Divorced men: Do you think about your ex-wife much?

[peenie 1,690]

Do you miss her or are you more free now than you ever thought?

Are you happier today than when you were married?

If you could go back would you work harder to maintain your marriage or leave earlier?

Do you miss your kids or are you okay with less responsibility (assuming you had children and she has custody)?

TIA

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Dating a divorcée, huh?

[peenie 1,690]

No, actually I just remember when Newbie was married and I wondered those things about him and realized that it's an interesting question to ask out loud to anyone who would answer.

[peenie 1,690]

(I'm really just procrastinating right now. I have things to do but am wasting time here and on YouTube and IG)

[cbfalcon 824]

Do you miss her or are you more free now than you ever thought?

Are you happier today than when you were married?

If you could go back would you work harder to maintain your marriage or leave earlier?

Do you miss your kids or are you okay with less responsibility (assuming you had children and she has custody)?

TIA

 

I'm in a unique situation because my ex wife and I are still very close, best friends even. We actually had a long text exchange the other day in which I went into detail about how important she is and will always be to me. Yet it was also made clear that what we have now is too valuable to risk, so none of it was about ever considering getting back together. It was the kind of convo that most people wouldn't buy if I were to show it to them. They'd think we were still humping or about to hump or something.

 

So to answer your questions in a very confusing manner:

 

Do you miss her or are you more free now than you ever thought?

- I don't miss her much because I talk to her daily and I got to keep the best parts of our relationship. I do like being free most of the time, but I also miss the support she offered.

 

Are you happier today than when you were married?

- I used to have a list of things/achievements/etc that I felt would make me happy. But then as I get there, the list just changes. So in the last couple of years I've somewhat developed the theory that I'm eternally restless and will never quite feel happy in an overall sense. But I experience tons of happy moments, so I now try to repeat those and soak them in as often as possible. So my final answer to your question is "About the same."

 

If you could go back would you work harder to maintain your marriage or leave earlier?

- I think the person I was back then needed the marriage to end. The person I am now actually understands what went wrong and would try to make the adjustments necessary to hopefully fix it.

 

Do you miss your kids or are you okay with less responsibility (assuming you had children and she has custody)?

- I keep my daughter half the time, and I talk to her every day I don't have her. In truth, I actually think I'm closer to her than I may have been had I stayed married. The explanation is more complex that this, but I'll simplify it for the sake of brevity. A married dad probably does 30% of the parenting. We change diapers less, we give baths less, we fix boo boos less, we take get them from school less, we sit and play less. But I have to do 100% of that stuff half the time. So that 50% forced me to be closer to her than doing 30% of it would have....and because I miss her so much on the days I don't have her, I am very eager and enthusiastic to do that 50% of the stuff I just talked about. So as a result, I suspect I'm closer to her than I may have been had her mother and I not split up.

 

[fandandy 3,311]

I used to. I was devastated for a long time, especially when my daughter was younger. Time and her decisions have not been kind to my ex though. She got tattoos after we divorced and she just overall doesn't look good anymore. I will always love her, but it's different now. I miss that past though, but for many reasons. Just being young and in love and starting out together. There were a lot of good times and that's what I miss.

[Voltaire 4,555]

1) I don't miss her in the slightest, I'm re-married for ten years and don't think about my first wife ever at all. More apt to think of ex-girlfriends and "what if" them, not her. Never her.

 

2) Absolutely happier. Marriage was miserable, as I dreaded coming home. Getting divorced was only rivaled by getting out of the Army, or when my Little League team won the championship game. I felt so free and happy like I was walking on the wind and sunshine for the next couple of weeks. Dazed and stunned the nightmare was finally over. The only thing that comes close is when the Pistons/Red Wings/Tigers/UM/MSU championships or college/HS graduation, getting off the plane in China can be on this second tier as well.

 

3) No. I'd not even bother trying. I'd leave as soon as I'd realized the mistake. It wasn't worth trying to save.

 

4) Not applicable thankfully. Especially so since I'd wanted so much to get her pregnant so badly. What an awful thing that would have been.

[peenie 1,690]

I love when you guys share!! Great thread so far!

 

cbfalcon - great response, especially about the child rearing. last question: why did you break up?

 

Volty - why did you get married or rather what about her changed so much that made you so unhappy?

 

fandandy - I suppose your simple answer is the truth of it all, things change and life goes on...just appreciate the moments if you're lucky enough to have them.

[cbfalcon 824]

I love when you guys share!! Great thread so far!

 

cbfalcon - great response, especially about the child rearing. last question: why did you break up?

 

 

At the time, all I knew to tell people was that we'd slowly grown apart. We'd argue about anything and everything it seemed, and the issue didn't matter so much as we just found each other annoying.

 

But looking back on it with more knowledge gained......At the root of it all I believe it was my restless nature. I had a habit (still do, but am more cognizant of it now and working on it) of focusing on what I don't have as opposed to what I do have. So instead of appreciating everything my wife was, I was constantly trying to push her into also being the few things she wasn't....the result was she felt like she was disappointing me, which made her feel badly about herself....then she slowly became bitter towards me for making her feel that way...and when she became bitter, I became bitter back....and so it went.

 

I could rewrite the paragraph above to include some of the actual events that occurred during the marriage that would convince everyone it was her fault totally. But I'd rather get to the "why", and that's where I feel I am responsible.

 

It's also important to note that neither her nor I were really conscious of the above paragraph at the time it was happening. I didn't realize I wasn't appreciating what she was and was trying to push her into also being something she wasn't. I didn't realize I was making her feel bad about herself for disappointing me. She didn't realize why she slowly became bitter about me. We just knew how we felt. It's only with time, experience, and a clear head not wrapped up in the emotion of the moment that I've been able to really figure out what happened.

[Voltaire 4,555]

 

 

Volty - why did you get married or rather what about her changed so much that made you so unhappy?

 

I was too anxious to have children. I was absolutely obsessed with it. I'd wanted them a long time and never had a firm footing to support a family. I'm different than most other men here, dating to me was always about commitment and "do I want to marry this one? what kind of mother will she be?" it was never about playing the field. It was those times when I found myself lacking, between jobs and unsuitable to be a good provider and husband that I felt worse about myself.

 

And I'd wanted a bigger family, with a minimum of four children. The honest ones didn't hold my interest. Both times I'd married women that lied to me, at least this second time I gout to three before she shut me down. By then I was already too deep in.

 

And I'd gotten married too soon after meeting her, too anxious. Expressing an interest in a large family melted me as I was so tired of the ones only wanting one or two kids (those were the honest ones though). Thinking on and realizing how terrible a mother she would be, ended it for me.

[cyclone24 1,805]

I struggled a LONG time with my divorce, how I acted, what I put her through...and just how immature I was in dealing with some of her depression issues. I didn't do a good enough job having some understanding of what she went through.

 

But...we are both with better fits for us relationship wise. She was a lightswitch away from being Amish, hates sports, hates sweating, etc. Great person just very sheltered.

 

So while I regret where things ended up..I also wouldn't be the husband to my wife now if it hadn't of happened. It was awful, embarrassing in my community, and lost some great friends.

Took me close to 5 years to rebuild my life to the point where I could be mentally in another relationship.

 

At times I do wish I had worked harder, but given where we were financially, and compatibility wise....hindsight tells me this wasn't a good decision by either of us to marry.

[cmh6476 748]

Can't answer yet. Hopefully never will

[wiffleball 4,631]

Seems like a lot of my guys have been getting divorced in the last few years. Here's one consistent trend:

 

 

The guys seem to take the divorce the hardest up front. The wimmen think they're 'empowered' and, since they've been blaming literally EVERY focking thing that's wrong in their life on one particular guy, removing that guy creates a bit of a placebo effect. And, for a minute, they think they're going to go back to their halcion 'Sex and the City' single days and everything will be wonderful - because why? "That man" that was the source of all their problems - including split ends, weight gain and restless leg syndrome - is GONE.

 

Meanwhile, guys don't do change well. - Or failure. Plus, they don't 'emote' and share and whatnot n - ear as well as women. So, again from what I've seen, the first six months/year is tougher on them. - Not to mention, financially.

 

Then, the script flips. Turns out, "that guy" WASN'T the source of all the broad's problems. And, if he life sucked before, now it just sucks - alone. Her girlfriends got back to their lives about a month after her divorce - so much for the 'ladies who lunch/brunch' - and they're just older, not better.

 

Meantime, guys realize there are younger women (who like money) who'll pay them attention, laugh at their jokes and not flinch like a rape victim every time the guy touches them. And, beyond women, they don't have to answer for every focking thing, get their schedules approved and/or report on when they're coming home and what they did before then.

 

So, among the half dozen guys I'm thinking of, this has been the consistency. Some have kids, others not. Seems every guy is messed up on the kids. Mostly, because women lie to their kids, trash Dad, and generally play the victim. Unfair. Parents should be adults about that with the kids - but women seem incapable of that. The lost kid relationship (worse with daughters) is what kills even my happiest divorced friends. I try to tell them the kids will turn around and that teens are gonna hate you at that age regardless - they kind of need to - as part of the whole independence thing. Still, tough on Dads - who are fighting uphill already.

 

But, other than that, the guys end up being a lot happier and kicking themselves for not making the change earlier.

 

The women? Look, if you think one person is why your life sucks, that one person - is you.

[NewbieJr 540]

We text quite a bit. We have a great relationship. A lot of our conversation centers around our daughter, but she was at the shore this week with three of her girlfriends and several times she sent me pictures of them being goofy.

My sister had her 50th birthday party a few weeks ago and my ex was invited. Her and her boyfriend sat at the same table as my girlfriend and I.

[Bill E. 666]

Seems like a lot of my guys have been getting divorced in the last few years. Here's one consistent trend:

 

 

The guys seem to take the divorce the hardest up front. The wimmen think they're 'empowered' and, since they've been blaming literally EVERY focking thing that's wrong in their life on one particular guy, removing that guy creates a bit of a placebo effect. And, for a minute, they think they're going to go back to their halcion 'Sex and the City' single days and everything will be wonderful - because why? "That man" that was the source of all their problems - including split ends, weight gain and restless leg syndrome - is GONE.

 

Meanwhile, guys don't do change well. - Or failure. Plus, they don't 'emote' and share and whatnot n - ear as well as women. So, again from what I've seen, the first six months/year is tougher on them. - Not to mention, financially.

 

Then, the script flips. Turns out, "that guy" WASN'T the source of all the broad's problems. And, if he life sucked before, now it just sucks - alone. Her girlfriends got back to their lives about a month after her divorce - so much for the 'ladies who lunch/brunch' - and they're just older, not better.

 

Meantime, guys realize there are younger women (who like money) who'll pay them attention, laugh at their jokes and not flinch like a rape victim every time the guy touches them. And, beyond women, they don't have to answer for every focking thing, get their schedules approved and/or report on when they're coming home and what they did before then.

 

So, among the half dozen guys I'm thinking of, this has been the consistency. Some have kids, others not. Seems every guy is messed up on the kids. Mostly, because women lie to their kids, trash Dad, and generally play the victim. Unfair. Parents should be adults about that with the kids - but women seem incapable of that. The lost kid relationship (worse with daughters) is what kills even my happiest divorced friends. I try to tell them the kids will turn around and that teens are gonna hate you at that age regardless - they kind of need to - as part of the whole independence thing. Still, tough on Dads - who are fighting uphill already.

 

But, other than that, the guys end up being a lot happier and kicking themselves for not making the change earlier.

 

The women? Look, if you think one person is why your life sucks, that one person - is you.

Pretty good analysis.

[jerryskids 5,172]

Hey peenie, aren't you divorced? If so, you need to answer too.

 

I'm still on my first marriage so I got nothing. I'm fascinated reading the answers though as there is always room for improvement in a relationship and it is good to know things that drove a marriage apart.

[peenie 1,690]

No, I've never been married. I'm kinda sad about it, but then again kinda not. Seems like a lot of work. I'm too lazy. (too old now)

[penultimatestraw 473]

We had an amicable divorce (no lawyers), went on separate ways and both eventually remarried. She still lives on island and I have crossed her path a couple times in the last 14 years. She emailed me when one our shared cats died, and I did the same when I put the second one to sleep last summer. Somewhere along the way she apologized for not trying harder to make our marriage work.

 

I almost never think about her, but have no ill will towards her when I do. She's a great person, but we just didn't have what it took to last as a couple. I am a very different person since we divorced, almost entirely for the better.

[NewbieJr 540]

We had an amicable divorce (no lawyers), went on separate ways and both eventually remarried. She still lives on island and I have crossed her path a couple times in the last 14 years. She emailed me when one our shared cats died, and I did the same when I put the second one to sleep last summer. Somewhere along the way she apologized for not trying harder to make our marriage work.

 

I almost never think about her, but have no ill will towards her when I do. She's a great person, but we just didn't have what it took to last as a couple. I am a very different person since we divorced, almost entirely for the better.

I never got a lawyer either. She had a coworker whose husband was a lawyer. She Drew up everything and he looked it over and it was just an agreement that I had to sign. I made one change to it and it was actually a change that favored my ex. And we never fought about money or custody one time after.

[jerryskids 5,172]

No, I've never been married. I'm kinda sad about it, but then again kinda not. Seems like a lot of work. I'm too lazy. (too old now)

 

One of our best friends, maid of honor in our wedding, has never been married and probably never will. She is around 55 now with a killer body -- 34 D's that never breast fed, and she teaches yoga. Wife and I always figured she'd be the second wife of some successful guy who already had his kids, and they'd go travel together. Doesn't seem to be happening, but she seems totally happy. Basically some people aren't meant to be married, like some aren't meant to have kids.

 

Also you said your daughter is engaged in that other thread, congrats! May you have grandbabies in your future.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Do I think about her sometimes? Yeah. I do. I think about her when we were married, why I put up with it, and what I should have done. I think about where she is now and why.

 

I believe that if you ever really loved someone, part of you always will. That doesn't mean I ever have any desire to see her again. I don't. I don't even want to speak to her. It reminds me of bad times. But I hope she finds whatever makes her happy (so far she has not.)

 

I'm far happier now than I was then. She seemed to see my only function in life as to be the meeter of her needs. And god knows I tried. I lost everything trying. My credit. My savings. Everything I owned. My dignity. For a while, my sanity.

 

Because I believe a man puts his wife first. If there is only enough to meet one of our needs, hers come first. I worked 80 hours to her zero. I bought nothing for myself, while she had new clothes and toys constantly. I left that. A marriage with a garbage bag full of clothes.

 

If I could go back, no, I would not work harder. I would never marry her. She is a good person by and large, but she and I simply do not work. Our flaws are such that we just can't.

 

She does not understand the concept of being part of a team. Never did. Took me a long damn time to see that.

 

And of course, god knows I wasn't perfect. I have my major flaws. Not trying to put it all on her.

 

I am in a relationships now that Is so much better in every way. She sees her job as to take care of me. Not financially, but in every other way. Being around her calms me. Keeps the angry crazy side a bit at bay. She pulls her own weight financially, and doesn't like it when I spend money on her, let alone demand it. She is grateful to have me in her life, As am I.

 

The weird thing is I'm so focked up from the last one that I have trouble believing it. I'm always asking her what's wrong... because something was always wrong, and it was my job to handle it. No matter what. I am having to learn to be in a healthy equal relationship. I've never done it before.

 

The general opinion of people I know here is that they will never date an American woman again. My brother has said the same. Now I know there are many good ones, but often times, they want everything, and want to give nothing. They will demand expensive everything, and maybe deign to sleep with you from time to time. And nag everything you do anything until slowly, it makes you hate her.

 

Again, that is a generalization. I, and many others, chose badly. Sounds like many of you chose well and got good women who give you what you need.

 

All that said, going through that taught me a lot about myself and women and relationships. I hope I learned enough to do it right this time. At least this time I know what I cannot tolerate.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

At the root of it all I believe it was my restless nature. I had a habit (still do, but am more cognizant of it now and working on it) of focusing on what I don't have as opposed to what I do have.

 

Good quote cb. I think this is a cultural failing of ours. We are trained from the cradle to always want more, bigger, better. We rarely appreciate the small things that make life special.

 

My ex always wanted a bigger house. The one we had had four bedrooms for two of us. There were many rooms we never even went in.

 

We have so much, as a people, and are honestly some of the most unhappy people I've seen in the world. We kill ourselves and sacrifice our happiness for a bigger house. A nicer car. Etc.

 

My girl literally grew up in a bamboo hut with ten siblings and a drunk abusive father. She missed a year of primary school because her family could not afford to pay for her supplies. She walked five miles to get there everyday, barefoot. Seriously.

 

I came from privilege. Had every damn thing I ever wanted and more. Never had to earn anything.

 

She is the happier person. Because she is grateful for what she has, and I tend to see, like you, what I don't.

 

You are starting to see this change a bit in America I think. The minimalist movements. The tiny house people. People focusing less on things and "success" and more on happiness. "Success" if you let other people define it is poison.

[vuduchile 1,940]

Do you miss her or are you more free now than you ever thought?

Are you happier today than when you were married?

If you could go back would you work harder to maintain your marriage or leave earlier?

Do you miss your kids or are you okay with less responsibility (assuming you had children and she has custody)?

TIA

Do not miss her at all. I'm thankful I freed myself from her and allowed myself to find true happiness. (Remarried for 12 years now)

 

Happier now for sure. Happy when I was single, but she poisoned my daughter against me and my daughter virtually became just like her mom. I knew it was going to happen, and couldn't really stop it. My relationship with my daughter was the biggest casualty of the divorce.

 

I could say I would have left much sooner. But it has all worked great for me as is. If the timing had been different, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

See above re: my daughter. She's grown now and I miss what she used to be.

 

I've posted this here before, but I'll repeat it. I really just don't like what she's become. Shallow, vapid, obsessed with her looks, and generally hard to be around. Has made bad career decisions that mirror those of her mom's and continues to keep her mom as her closest friend and ally. They're like 2 rotten peas in a pod.

[Frozenbeernuts 1,652]

Do not miss her at all. I'm thankful I freed myself from her and allowed myself to find true happiness. (Remarried for 12 years now)

 

Happier now for sure. Happy when I was single, but she poisoned my daughter against me and my daughter virtually became just like her mom. I knew it was going to happen, and couldn't really stop it. My relationship with my daughter was the biggest casualty of the divorce.

 

I could say I would have left much sooner. But it has all worked great for me as is. If the timing had been different, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

See above re: my daughter. She's grown now and I miss what she used to be.

 

I've posted this here before, but I'll repeat it. I really just don't like what she's become. Shallow, vapid, obsessed with her looks, and generally hard to be around. Has made bad career decisions that mirror those of her mom's and continues to keep her mom as her closest friend and ally. They're like 2 rotten peas in a pod.

That's focking terrible. I would be heart broken to see my daughter turn out that way. She won't though. My wife is a very good mom and a good person. People already rave about my daughter's manners. She says please and thank you on her own, she's been doing that since before 2. It's because we ingrain it in her all the time. She is already a very affectionate and compassionate little girl, so I doubt we have anything to worry about. Falling in line with the wrong crowd is probably the only thing that could turn her into a person I wouldn't like

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

That's focking terrible. I would be heart broken to see my daughter turn out that way. She won't though. My wife is a very good mom and a good person. People already rave about my daughter's manners. She says please and thank you on her own, she's been doing that since before 2. It's because we ingrain it in her all the time. She is already a very affectionate and compassionate little girl, so I doubt we have anything to worry about. Falling in line with the wrong crowd is probably the only thing that could turn her into a person I wouldn't like

It would be a terrible thing to dislike your own kid.

[WhiteWonder 2,171]

Do not miss her at all. I'm thankful I freed myself from her and allowed myself to find true happiness. (Remarried for 12 years now)

 

Happier now for sure. Happy when I was single, but she poisoned my daughter against me and my daughter virtually became just like her mom. I knew it was going to happen, and couldn't really stop it. My relationship with my daughter was the biggest casualty of the divorce.

 

I could say I would have left much sooner. But it has all worked great for me as is. If the timing had been different, I wouldn't be where I am today.

 

See above re: my daughter. She's grown now and I miss what she used to be.

 

I've posted this here before, but I'll repeat it. I really just don't like what she's become. Shallow, vapid, obsessed with her looks, and generally hard to be around. Has made bad career decisions that mirror those of her mom's and continues to keep her mom as her closest friend and ally. They're like 2 rotten peas in a pod.

 

whats her pron name?