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edjr

Joke thread.

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

 

 

 

How is Christmas like your job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

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How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two.

one to hold the light bulb, one to drink until the room spins.

 

:D VEAL!

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mdc went to jerry world to see the iggles play

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My son, TD Jr's favorite joke...

 

 

What's Red and bad for your teeth?

 

 

 

 

a brick!

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What's the difference between the Red Sox and dirt?

 

 

 

Nothing. They both got swept.

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What's the difference between the Red Sox and dirt?

 

 

 

Nothing. They both got swept.

 

 

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What's the difference between a 12 year old girl in 12 year old scotch?

 

The Scotch doesn't whimper when you stick a couple fingers in it.

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Not in much of a joking mood. My wife died from an accident the other day and I feel a little guilty because I couldn't remember her blood type when they wanted to transfuse her at the hospital.

 

Plucky gal right to the end though. She kept yelling "Be Positive!" but it's going to be hard without her around. :(

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I know. Lol. I have more but they're horrible.

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I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I could stop anytime! :banana:

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Best sight gag that I've seen in a very long time just this morning early.

 

It was on that show con Man starring Alan Tudyk from Firefly and serenity. He's standing in line at the hotel check-in and the handle to his roll-on bag wouldn't go down he's pushing on it and push down and putting all his weight on it and just about then the wheels on the bag kick out and the whole bag goes shooting into the woman standing behind him. Takes her out in a massive chop block she goes down hard face first. I was laughing out loud as hard as I've done in a long time.

😂

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I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I could stop anytime! :banana:

:lol:

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Got to admit, I needed that laugh. Remember that girl I told you about a while ago? Well the other day I dropped her kid. Young thing too. Probably no more than 5 or 6 years old and she just got away from me. I felt horrible.

 

But, in a way, I blame my girlfriend.

 

I never asked her to make me a pallbearer.

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees a

 

Ees a

 

Ees a

 

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush...."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too soon? :unsure:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:banana:

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What's worse than ants in your pants?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uncles :banana:

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What's the difference between jam and jelly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's a lot harder to jelly my d!ck in your ass.

 

:banana:

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Black kid dies and goes to heaven. He gets his wings and is totally excited, and he runs up to God and says

 

"God, God! You gave me wings! Does this mean that I'm an angel?"

 

 

God says...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Naw n*gga. You a bat." :ninja:

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What's the difference between a 300 lb black chick and a bucket of sh!t. ??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bucket

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Andrew Dice Ghey: So I'm fawking this Jew in the ass! Wooooooo! Real estate!!!

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A frog hops up to a princess and says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a handsome prince!!!"

 

 

The princess replies "F*ck that. I want a talking frog!"

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What's the best thing about focking 21 year olds?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's twenty of them :ninja:

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I made up a cute little dumb one the other day.......

 

 

 

What do Cats use to freshen their breath?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mousewash ;)

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some azzhole has my pen!"

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some azzhole has my pen!"

:D

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Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning,
"Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every
day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my
wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to
make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this
little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:

Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue,
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so
dang sentimental an' shiot...."

But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try,
so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes,
broken nose, fat lip, the works.

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and
tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told
him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I
could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

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A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your ?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

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A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

 

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your ######?"

 

She replies, "Hell no!"

 

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

 

:overhead:

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Whats the difference between a n*gger and heroin?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think twice before shooting heroin :banana:

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