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How do you maintain friendships?


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#41 Alias Detective

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:32 AM

We hang out with friends, curious kids spend much of their time pestering us. Meanwhile parents are freed up to do adult things. After this cycle repeats itself a few times, friends actually ask us to babysit while they do something else.


Wow! That isn't a friend dude. I assure you that wouldn't fly with me either but all parents aren't that way.

#42 MDC

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:33 AM

Yeah I can tell you I have never and would never ask friends to babysit.
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#43 Gladiators

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:33 AM

We hang out with friends, curious kids spend much of their time pestering us. Meanwhile parents are freed up to do adult things. After this cycle repeats itself a few times, friends actually ask us to babysit while they do something else.

 

Sounds like terrible "friends."  I have never asked a friend to watch my kids.  Parents/In-laws or a babysitter...never friends.



#44 Hardcore troubadour

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:35 AM

Yeah I can tell you I have never and would never ask friends to babysit.


You would have to drive to Fishtown. That's about 8 miles away in city traffic.

#45 12th Man

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:37 AM

I don't think I have ever envied being a parent. I'm sure the early unconditional love is great, the sense of pride later, and depth of caring is unparalleled. But sacrificing decades of your life, right when you're at the sweet spot of youth/good health and earnings? No thanks.
 
And while sexual variety is great, dating sucks too.

I think it's called selfishness.

#46 MDC

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:38 AM

Still going - sad! :D
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#47 cyclone24

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:46 AM

I can't tell if the friends I've latched onto which are pretty much still my college friends just suck or what it is but I'm like always the one calling just to check on guys to see how they're doing. How their families are doing.
I always either have season tickets or come across tickets to stuff all the time I take buddies too and don't ask for anything in return. I'm not sure that favor has ever been returned by a buddy.

But it's weird as we all stay in touch for the most part and it is fun when we do get together.
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#48 edjr

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:54 AM

Try grinder

 

you thought by misspelling it, we wouldn't know the truth?


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#49 Djgb13

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:56 AM

If someone has kids then you have to at least give them 3-4 years before they can really go out and do stuff. My buddy and his wife just had twins. So he DEFINITELY is out of the question to go out and do something for a while. I still keep in touch with him, talk on the phone, etc. But he wont be playing any PS4 any time soon or going out to a bar.

#50 GuardBum

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 06:58 AM

I guess it's all what you're looking for.

 

Are you looking for friends to talk to and vent with about personal issues?  If so you likely need a variety of those people as each situation would be different.  These kind of friends you don't just find or come across, they take time to build and develop trust with.

 

If you are looking for activities to diffuse or distract you from stresses in your life, those can be easy to find.  You just need to make time and work that time out with the already important things and people in your life (family, work, commitments).  I coach and play sports to "hang out" and let off some steam or get some positive energy back.  I don't discuss personal things with these people however.

I've been lucky to have 22+ years of marriage and she's someone I've learned to discuss anything with.  Even if it's between me and her, we can talk about it and figure it out.  I don't need to talk to someone else about what she may have said, done, didn't do if it bothered me.  I just talk to her.  Figure the sh!+ out and move on.  We work at the same complex, half the time ride in together, opened a small business additionally together... too much time many would say but it works.

 

Friends you've made over the years, if they are important to you, you need to maintain that relationship.  I've kept in touch but not enough that I have put my need for venting or advice into these folks anymore.  I know my brother has held onto close relationships from high school to the point that at least 2 or 3 times a year they all get together and constantly keep in touch.  That's not me however.


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#51 TimmySmith

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:06 AM

It's tough to make friends later in life, especially if you don't have kids.  I have been playing baseball for the last 12 years, 20 Sundays a year with the same group of guys.  We meet, we play, we hang for 3 hours, occasionally grab a beer after, and yet, we rarely hang out outside of that.  We know just about everything about each other's, wives, kids, jobs.  We all like each other, and yet, I don't know how I would classify our relationship. 


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#52 cmh6476

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:12 AM

I never "hung out" with my friends, so i may not be the best person to give advice. But my friends are the people i go fishing, hunting, bowling, etc with.

 

Join a bowling league, buy a boat, etc. Easier to find/keep friends that way.

I do slow pitch softball, so I guess I got that goin for me.  But again it's more plutonic and not something you share intimate details with.  Sounds like I need a "best friend" more than a bunch of friends to hang with


#Royals


#53 cmh6476

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:14 AM

I guess it's all what you're looking for.

 

Are you looking for friends to talk to and vent with about personal issues?  If so you likely need a variety of those people as each situation would be different.  These kind of friends you don't just find or come across, they take time to build and develop trust with.

 

If you are looking for activities to diffuse or distract you from stresses in your life, those can be easy to find.  You just need to make time and work that time out with the already important things and people in your life (family, work, commitments).  I coach and play sports to "hang out" and let off some steam or get some positive energy back.  I don't discuss personal things with these people however.

I've been lucky to have 22+ years of marriage and she's someone I've learned to discuss anything with.  Even if it's between me and her, we can talk about it and figure it out.  I don't need to talk to someone else about what she may have said, done, didn't do if it bothered me.  I just talk to her.  Figure the sh!+ out and move on.  We work at the same complex, half the time ride in together, opened a small business additionally together... too much time many would say but it works.

 

Friends you've made over the years, if they are important to you, you need to maintain that relationship.  I've kept in touch but not enough that I have put my need for venting or advice into these folks anymore.  I know my brother has held onto close relationships from high school to the point that at least 2 or 3 times a year they all get together and constantly keep in touch.  That's not me however.

you're like that guy that sits in the corner and never says anything, but when you do finally speak up everyone is like "ohhhh dammmnnnnnnn!!"

 

:thumbsup:


#Royals


#54 GuardBum

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:22 AM

you're like that guy that sits in the corner and never says anything, but when you do finally speak up everyone is like "ohhhh dammmnnnnnnn!!"

 

:thumbsup:

I'm naturally an introvert.  So again it makes my "needs" different than yours when it comes to friends.  I like to think I listen pretty well (from my corner).


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#55 nzoner

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:27 AM

It's really too bad you never came to any of the CP fundraisers at my place as you would have met numerous people from all over and more than likely established a few additional friendships.I can honestly say of all the the people that visited I made five quality friendships as in I've traveled to their cities,been a guest in their homes,done numerous things together and stay in touch.In fact one of the guys from Omaha is on his way down again today as he's been helping me with fireworks and doing some work at our place that I can't do.He stays in our guest bedroom and last week while he was here we sat on the deck till after midnight drinking some cold ones and visiting about pretty much everything.

 

Not saying this to be judgemental as I have no idea what your circumstances are/were but if I ever decide to host another such event maybe you can join us.


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#56 cmh6476

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:59 AM

It's really too bad you never came to any of the CP fundraisers at my place as you would have met numerous people from all over and more than likely established a few additional friendships.I can honestly say of all the the people that visited I made five quality friendships as in I've traveled to their cities,been a guest in their homes,done numerous things together and stay in touch.In fact one of the guys from Omaha is on his way down again today as he's been helping me with fireworks and doing some work at our place that I can't do.He stays in our guest bedroom and last week while he was here we sat on the deck till after midnight drinking some cold ones and visiting about pretty much everything.
 
Not saying this to be judgemental as I have no idea what your circumstances are/were but if I ever decide to host another such event maybe you can join us.


I have thought about it a few times, but in looking at them the dates never seemed to work. Again might be easier with no kids at home, but next time you do for sure I will take a look and see what's happening.

Also, I need thad to come home :(

#Royals


#57 jerryskids

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:34 AM

Great thread.

 

All of my life I've had a "best friend" who I spent most of my time with; the identity changed occasionally but the role was the same.  Then I got married and my wife became my best friend.  

 

I agree with others that the best way to meet people is through shared activities.  Our closest friends are the folks we did taekwondo with -- there is a certain bond and trust you get when you spar a guy yet nobody gets hurt (well maybe a little), and then you grab a beer afterwards.  Also our kids did it and became friends, and we traveled around the country together for tournaments.  We haven't done it in years (my wife keeps talking about going back, but I've broken too many bones) but we still keep in touch.  We've started to get to know folks at our HIIT gym and hoping to do similar.  I need to get back into golfing as well.

 

That all being said, I don't like people in general and usually am happy just hanging with my family.  :dunno:


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#58 DankNuggs

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 09:15 AM

We hang out with friends, curious kids spend much of their time pestering us. Meanwhile parents are freed up to do adult things. After this cycle repeats itself a few times, friends actually ask us to babysit while they do something else.

So my sister in law (my wifes brothers wife) doesnt get along with his family. MIL Is a control obsessed matriarch, which truthfully can be annoying, but she also helps us out a lot. Take the good with the bad.

So SIL wont leave their 2 y.o. daughter with the in laws. She comes from a bit of a mess of a family, 8 siblings, parents out to lunch, no money. Etc. so there is no help there.

My wife already watches their kid once a week for half a day to help with their work schedules. But recently we were asked to watch the kid overnight. It went really well, which was strange because the kid isnt exposed to anyone really and usually has major issues at a new place to sleep. But now we are the only source for their kid-less entertainment. We are now getting requests once a week or every other week to take the kid overnight. On top of the standard weekly help

SIL stayed overnight last week w kid because husband had a stomach bug. Brings kid over who was already sick. Got my two kids sick which we are still getting over.

Ill end my overshare/rant. But next weekend is a big golf tournament weekend for me, which is always a fine line w my wife as Im not around to shoulder to kid load during those two days. Now SIL wants wife to take the kid all Saturday and overnight so they can go to a game in the afternoon and spend the night in the city.

We obviously want to be there for family and will be, but what do you do when the requests go over the top? Ultimately its my wifes family so she can figure it out. When it impacts golf I feel the need to get invovled

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#59 mobb_deep

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 09:21 AM

Maintaining friends is like masturbating. You need to check in pretty often and massage the relationship, to maintain the right balance. If you go MIA for a while and then jump back in full throttle, the initial excitement is too much. You need to switch things up, to keep it fresh. Don't be afraid to try new things. There are groups out there for pretty much everything and anything. You would be amazed what people are into. Safe travels, awkward geek.


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#60 jerryskids

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:00 AM

Maintaining friends is like masturbating. You need to check in pretty often and massage the relationship, to maintain the right balance. If you go MIA for a while and then jump back in full throttle, the initial excitement is too much. You need to switch things up, to keep it fresh. Don't be afraid to try new things. There are groups out there for pretty much everything and anything. You would be amazed what people are into. Safe travels, awkward geek.

 

I used to get emails from a site called Meetup; near as I could tell a person could set up a get-together on any topic and people would join if they were interested.  I thought about trying one or two but never did, in part because I didn't know if the attendees were ax-murderers or zombies or ax-murdering zombies.  :dunno:


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#61 Frozenbeernuts

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:06 AM

My good friends I grew up with, I am the one who hasn't maintained the social gathering end. A lot because of my ex. They all know so much more about each other than I do now, save for my best friend. We keep in contact pretty regularly.

My gf is taking up that role though right now.

#62 Bier Meister

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:15 AM

We hang out with friends, curious kids spend much of their time pestering us. Meanwhile parents are freed up to do adult things. After this cycle repeats itself a few times, friends actually ask us to babysit while they do something else.

That should not be happening. When we get together with friends (with children or not), we do not expect others to watch our child.  There have been times where we (all parents) collectively keep an eye on the kids and ensure that they are being safe and not being a nuisance to others.  My closest friend and wife do not have children, but have offered to watch our daughter.  We have never taken them up on it.

 

So my sister in law (my wifes brothers wife) doesnt get along with his family. MIL Is a control obsessed matriarch, which truthfully can be annoying, but she also helps us out a lot. Take the good with the bad.

So SIL wont leave their 2 y.o. daughter with the in laws. She comes from a bit of a mess of a family, 8 siblings, parents out to lunch, no money. Etc. so there is no help there.

My wife already watches their kid once a week for half a day to help with their work schedules. But recently we were asked to watch the kid overnight. It went really well, which was strange because the kid isnt exposed to anyone really and usually has major issues at a new place to sleep. But now we are the only source for their kid-less entertainment. We are now getting requests once a week or every other week to take the kid overnight. On top of the standard weekly help

SIL stayed overnight last week w kid because husband had a stomach bug. Brings kid over who was already sick. Got my two kids sick which we are still getting over.

Ill end my overshare/rant. But next weekend is a big golf tournament weekend for me, which is always a fine line w my wife as Im not around to shoulder to kid load during those two days. Now SIL wants wife to take the kid all Saturday and overnight so they can go to a game in the afternoon and spend the night in the city.

We obviously want to be there for family and will be, but what do you do when the requests go over the top? Ultimately its my wifes family so she can figure it out. When it impacts golf I feel the need to get invovled

I am ok with this so long as it is reciprocated. We have a few friends where it just works out better for us to host their child.  No problem, just at least offer (like reaching for your wallet when you go out).

We have a similar issue with us hosting dinners.  I enjoy hosting, just sometimes need a break from doing the majority of the work (still easier than putting out 500 dinners/night).

 

 

 

as for the original question....  family and work is definitely an obstacle to spending time together, but i would say that when we get together we do not miss a step.  i have about 5-6 friends i can discuss anything with and we all pretty much drop anything to listen or get together if there is something pressing.  we also do at least 1 guys trip a year (vegas for ffpc, then something else). 


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#63 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:19 AM

I think it's called selfishness.

Adding another body to occupy a planet overtaxed for resources, especially when plenty of kids are available for adoption? I agree, it's the single most selfish thing a person can do.  :thumbsup:



#64 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:21 AM

Wow! That isn't a friend dude. I assure you that wouldn't fly with me either but all parents aren't that way.

He and his wife are quick to volunteer to help us as well, and nothing is forced upon us. But if a friend in need asks, what are you gonna do?



#65 DankNuggs

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:22 AM

That should not be happening. When we get together with friends (with children or not), we do not expect others to watch our child.  There have been times where we (all parents) collectively keep an eye on the kids and ensure that they are being safe and not being a nuisance to others.  My closest friend and wife do not have children, but have offered to watch our daughter.  We have never taken them up on it.

 

I am ok with this so long as it is reciprocated. We have a few friends where it just works out better for us to host their child.  No problem, just at least offer (like reaching for your wallet when you go out).

We have a similar issue with us hosting dinners.  I enjoy hosting, just sometimes need a break from doing the majority of the work (still easier than putting out 500 dinners/night).

 

 

There is no reciprocation. They are extremely messy and disorganized and no one goes to their house. Our kids have never seen their place. 


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#66 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:29 AM

That should not be happening. When we get together with friends (with children or not), we do not expect others to watch our child.  There have been times where we (all parents) collectively keep an eye on the kids and ensure that they are being safe and not being a nuisance to others.  My closest friend and wife do not have children, but have offered to watch our daughter.  We have never taken them up on it.

 

I am ok with this so long as it is reciprocated. We have a few friends where it just works out better for us to host their child.  No problem, just at least offer (like reaching for your wallet when you go out).

We have a similar issue with us hosting dinners.  I enjoy hosting, just sometimes need a break from doing the majority of the work (still easier than putting out 500 dinners/night).

 

 

 

as for the original question....  family and work is definitely an obstacle to spending time together, but i would say that when we get together we do not miss a step.  i have about 5-6 friends i can discuss anything with and we all pretty much drop anything to listen or get together if there is something pressing.  we also do at least 1 guys trip a year (vegas for ffpc, then something else). 

It started out innocent enough, as the kids naturally gravitated to me and my wife. There was no expectation for anything. But once they figured out the kids really like us, we're put in an awkward situation to refuse baby sitting. It doesn't help that my wife can't say no (as most geeks already know).



#67 edjr

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:31 AM

you can pick a friend and you can pick a seat.

 

I've found when I try to pick my friend's seat, the friendship goes sour.


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#68 Bier Meister

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 10:42 AM



It started out innocent enough, as the kids naturally gravitated to me and my wife. There was no expectation for anything. But once they figured out the kids really like us, we're put in an awkward situation to refuse baby sitting. It doesn't help that my wife can't say no (as most geeks already know).

your wife is a fine giving woman.

 

i just can't even imagine asking friends to do that if there is not a child/daughter's friend in the house.


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#69 cbfalcon

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 11:02 AM

I'm 40 years old and still have about 5 high school friends I see regularly

 

This sounds simple, but I think one thing that helps a ton is a long running Group Text we have going. The group convo creates a dynamic where we are constantly making fun of each other, calling each other out for things that happened a decade ago, inside jokes, etc (kinda like this message board)....but it also includes lots of no pressure invites. It's easy enough for anyone in the group to say "I want to have a couple drinks and watch Golden State and Houston tomorrow if anyone is up for it.".....About 25% of the time, at least one person is up for it. If somehow you get 2, then it becomes easy to give the other guys helll. If one guy goes too long without showing up somewhere, he starts catching more hell, so it creates a little bit of pressure for him to make an effort....and so it goes....In the end, it means having drinks with at least 1 or more buddies 2-3 times a month.

 

As for the serious life discussions, they obviously don't occur in the Group Text....but once you are sitting with a friend and having a drink, those things come up. Then once a friend and I have discussed something, it's the norm for them to text me individually seeking out my advice.

 

It all works.


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#70 vuduchile

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 11:11 AM

Ive moved around a lot so most of my friends are out of state. We keep in touch electronically for the most part.

Locally, we have become friends with the parents of our sons friends by default.

Thankfully, there are some good people in those groups.

I dont ever have in depth conversations with anyone other than my wife, so I dont really need that.

You could also get a dog.

#71 12th Man

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 03:28 PM

Adding another body to occupy a planet overtaxed for resources, especially when plenty of kids are available for adoption? I agree, it's the single most selfish thing a person can do.  :thumbsup:

Nice trying to make it sound like you are saving the world. But more likely a Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a tad of Peter Pan syndrome.  



#72 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 03:33 PM

Nice trying to make it sound like you are saving the world. But more likely a Narcissistic Personality Disorder with a tad of Peter Pan syndrome.  

Also agree that many people raise kids as reflections of themselves, which is pretty narcissistic. And its a good way to relive your youth, albeit vicariously.  :wave:

 

Seriously though, I don't think having kids is necessarily altruistic or selfish, nor is abstaining from breeding.



#73 titans&bucs&bearsohmy!

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:00 PM

Also agree that many people raise kids as reflections of themselves, which is pretty narcissistic. And its a good way to relive your youth, albeit vicariously.  :wave:
 
Seriously though, I don't think having kids is necessarily altruistic or selfish, nor is abstaining from breeding.


Not to mention the whole, someone to take care of me when Im old, angle. Thats pretty selfish.

#74 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:02 PM

Not to mention the whole, someone to take care of me when Im old, angle. Thats pretty selfish.

yeah, it infuriates me when people say that.

#75 titans&bucs&bearsohmy!

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 07:16 PM

yeah, it infuriates me when people say that.


I find more often than not, if you scratch very deep, people who say that are coming from a eugenics angle. The country is going brown, white folk have a duty to keep up, etc.

#76 naomi

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:39 PM

We hang out with friends, curious kids spend much of their time pestering us. Meanwhile parents are freed up to do adult things. After this cycle repeats itself a few times, friends actually ask us to babysit while they do something else.

 

Maybe they are seeing if spending time with their kids will kind of make you want to have your own.

 

Don't think so. But maaaybe.



#77 penultimatestraw

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:48 PM

Maybe they are seeing if spending time with their kids will kind of make you want to have your own.
 
Don't think so. But maaaybe.

Yeah, that’s definitely part of it. There is so gawd damn much pressure to have kids in our society, especially for women.

#78 cyclone24

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 08:12 AM

I usually belittle them to the point where they dont think they can do any better than me. Theirs also the threat of physical violence. But then sometimes im really nice to them...i find the love followed by belittling really breaks them down to where they want to please me more. Plus i keep a dungeon.


Oh wait...you said friendships not relationships...sorry...nevermind what i said about all that other stuff.
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