My Kingdom's State of the Union

[cbfalcon 824]

Dear components,

 

On this, the most festive of days, I am here to offer thanks, on all of your behalf, to my organization and it's continued dominance and rule over our league and world. And for that, please allow your El Padrino to say "You're welcome hombres. While I sit on too high a perch to be able to make out the shapes of your faces, I am more than able to hear your cheers and applause from below." With all of the formalities handled, let me now offer you all an update on the state of my kingdom.

 

LEAGUE GOD:

11-1: The Die Nasty El Padrino - We have experienced another remarkable era of rule in this 2016. Our 11-1 record is a bit average, but it's time to look deeper and focus on the positive.

 

Example 1: We have no weakness, as we have a positive point differential at all 6 FF positions. No other franchise has a positive point differential at more than 3 of 6 positions. That alone shows that our franchise is twice as powerful as any other.

 

Example 2: All play records have been scientifically proven to be the best indicator of skill, power, sex appeal, and glory. With that in mind, there is a larger gap in all play winning percentage between the El Padrino and the second best team (21.4%) than there is between that second best team and the last ranked team (20.7%). Has one franchise ever been so dominant? No. But dominance is the expected result when hard work is combined with style, explosiveness, boldness, good looks, and the love of the people.

 

LESSER DIVISION CHAMPS:

8-4: The Nonsexuals - I will commend this franchise's strategy. When faced with the task of competing in the face of the insurmountable overall brilliance of a league god, its wise to accept truth. In this case, the Unsexuals have decided to concede overall strength and focus on creating a powerful WR core that gives them a chance to get lucky in any individual contest. It's a viable strategy. The Nonsexuals beloved Dallas Cowboys are currently attempting a similar strategy in a lesser league than ours, as they have positioned enough power and strength into a running game, all in the hopes of masking their deficiencies on defense. The El Padrino approves of said thinking.

 

8-4: The Peaches: This once proud franchise is far past its prime, both on the field and in terms of comedy when it comes to posting. Once so elite, owner and roster have been allowed to age, all without reinforcements coming up from underneath. The Peaches are our league version of the tale end KG-Pierce-Rondo lead Celtics teams that could put up an impressive record via veteran savvy, but lack the talent level to compete with the likes of the El Padrino.

 

And we have now finished discussing all franchises with winning records. But when a league is as top heavy as this one, one may consider it a surprise that there are even 3 teams in said group.

 

THE PLAYOFF CONTENDERS:

6-6 : The Dakota Iron Fists - The El Padrino still considers the franchise that was gifted last season's title in an effort to rebuild a once beloved poster to be his greatest threat to glory. With players like DJ and Old Dirty Bastard, the team is explosive enough to win, even if not confident enough to make the moves required to be potent week in and week out.

 

6-6: The Tampa Bay Docs - This franchise has earned El Padrino respect, as they are the franchise that truly engineered a trade that the El wishes he could have back. The AJ Green/Big Ben deal enabled the El Padrino acquisition of Rob Gronkowski, but there were ways to have our cake and eat it as well. The trifecta of Ben, Zeke, and Green (if healthy) puts this franchise squarely in the competition for runner up status.

 

6-6: The 4 Inches of Man - Similar to the Kuntululus, this once proud franchise is past its prime. But I applaud management for seeing the writing on the wall and attempting to making moves towards the future. The acquisitions of players like Dez, Ingram, Langford, Eifert, may not have resulted in complete glory yet, but there is a strategy in play.

 

6-6: The Fancy Cats - The Cupboard is bare, but with 4 first rounders and 2 second rounders in the upcoming draft, the future would be quite bright for a franchise with someone as skilled as the El Padrino making the selections. And opportunity is half the battle.

 

TEAMS HOPING TO GET IN SO THEY CAN LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND:

5-7: The Dixon Pixies - Nobody quite understands this team name. Does this franchise consider itself the line of demarcation, in which teams below said place in the standings are my slaves? If so, I reject this definition, as all teams in my league succumb to my rule by choice, as all want to bask in the reflected glory I provide season after season....that aside, this franchise has a bright future, evidenced by its willingness to gamble and hunt.

 

5-7: I Quit - While this franchise lacks the hubris required to pose threat on the field of play, the ability and affinity for dramatics make them a power broker in my kingdom now and into the future.

 

GROUP ROADKILL:

4-8: Poor Poor Poor PoColts - Long the league mascot, I maintain this franchise is closer than many listed above. With talent like Luck, Hilton, Shepard, and Olsen, this franchise is solid RB play away from being a solid middle of the pack franchise....The following must be said in regards to this franchise. While the El Padrino is the leagues heart, the Quitters are the instigator and the Unsexuals are his foil, the El Padrino is the league's soul, the Narcs are the league evil, and the El Padrino is the league's intellect, the Gary's are firmly entrenched as the leagues single tear running down the side of the cheek when our entity is forced to feel things.

 

4-8: The Narcs - When one has his hands in as many pockets as the El Padrino, one of the missions of utmost importance is to create as much space as possible between our activities and any and all narcs. The distance betwixt 1 and 11 is great, but we can do one better. While the narcs have shown a willingness to make deals, effectively infiltrating those groups several levels below me, he has yet to threaten my rule.

 

3-9: The Fighting NearBeers - The El Padrino has always been known as a humble bastion of truth. With that truth in mind, I don't know much about this franchise. In fact, when my generals brought me their file earlier this morning, it may have been the first time I'd come upon their name. I didn't bother to read said file, as my instincts told me there would be nothing memorable or even of note within.

 

And with these words and this message that serves to inform all of the state of my kingdom, your El Padrino wishes you all a blessed day, and once again thanks you for all of your cheers, worship, loyalty, and service.

 

With immeasurable love and glory,

The Die Nasty El Padrino

[mmmmm...beer 691]

He's nothing if not entertaining.

[WhiteWonder 2,171]

good read. 4.5 stars. was going to be 4 stars until you paid small praise to the pron docs.

[edjr 5,556]

Chris, admit it.

 

you used to be Nostradumbass on the mange board?

[cbfalcon 824]

Chris, admit it.

 

you used to be Nostradumbass on the mange board?

 

I have never posted under an alias. If I had, I'd find a way to spin it into further proof of the El Padrino's dynasty greatness. You know this.....I attempted to create an alias once related to Terri Schiavo I believe, but whatever name i was going for had already been taken, thus the mission was abandoned.

[MedStudent 56]

Just like last year, IFP is a team built for the championships, not gaudy regular season records. The homestretch started week 10 and IFP is on the verge of being the weekly high scorer for the third week in a row since this critical perod started led by mister irrelevant (last pick in our draft) Tyreek Hill. I'm sure El Pedrino will be champion in the end but thanks for the bulletin bored material. IFP is slowly stewing in your disrespectfulness.

[mobb_deep 917]

My team appears to be fading, just like last year. Deja Vu.

 

I don't know if I can handle another reign from The The Father.

[kutulu 1,545]

I don't think I'm doing too bad for a rebuilding year. Plus lost my top two backs (AP and CJ) Gordon flaked again, and my number one time pick got hurt after looking promising once he got the start

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also helps to be lucky as fock

[cbfalcon 824]

I don't know if I can handle another reign from The The Father.

The reign of the El Padrino never ended. My dominance is eternal. Even when I've allowed others to hold my trophy, I've lorded above with ownership of the hearts and souls of the people. One might say I've even evolved beyond the point in which titles still matter to my legacy.

[WhiteWonder 2,171]

if not for AJ Green's hammy, I might be able to hang a bit in the playoffs but that likely won't be the case.

 

Still, for what this trash pile was when I took it over, things are looking up

 

a few moves i wish i had made but didn't. Namely not drafting Dak Prescott when I had already done so in another dynasty. I think I was trying to spread out the backup QB shots.... A couple drop/adds I wish i had executed.

 

Honestly, not many trades I wish I had done differently. No, I don't wish I had Powell and Crabtree for Riddick. Or McCoy for Hyde at this juncture.

[Frozenbeernuts 1,652]

I can't believe someone didn't want Mccoy to help win a ship. Dude is money

[cbfalcon 824]

This week, your league god, The Die Nasty El Padrino, cements his reign , carving it even deeper into the souls of men and woman alike. This week, we wrap up our 5th consecutive season with a 1st round bye, and our 3rd straight season with best record. As stated prior, we have titles already, we own the all time wins mark already, and we own the woman already. Thusly, The El Padrino has evolved beyond things as trivial as individual seasons. We strive for a higher level of legacy. The El Padrino is a dynasty.

 

Who shall dare challenge my rule? It would appear the Peaches and Mobb Romos are alive for a bye. Meanwhile the Dualing Doctor franchises along with the savvy 4 Inches appear to have locked down the remaining positions in the battle to finish runner up to the dynasty created of heaven, sex, blood, afros, and the tears of vanquished foes. Glory is upon us. Bask before me.

[kutulu 1,545]

Peaches good luck continues... More than likely backing into the bye. The wheels are sure to fall off soon though but we'll take it. Thanks Neckbeards

[cbfalcon 824]

It appears safe to call the results. Most importantly, your savior and ruler has wrapped up a 13-1 season, which caps off a 3 year stretch in which your king has posted a regular season record of 37-5. Please take note that each of you has lost as many or more games this season as I have in the last three seasons combined. Let my organization's ongoing glory and power provide you warmth and comfort through the upcoming harshness of winter.

 

This creates the following for this years playoffs:

 

Byes:

#1 The El Padrino (13-1)

#2 The Peaches (9-5)

 

Wild Card Weekend:

#3 The Dakota Skies (8-6) vs #6 Four Inches (7-7)

#4 Romolovers (8-6) vs #5 Tampa Bay Pornos (7-7)

[kutulu 1,545]

Pretty sure I'll be 8 and 5 but still gets the coveted bye week

[WhiteWonder 2,171]

well, I admit that after the great start I had to the season, The El Mago is not happy about a 7-7 finish and a limp into the playoffs, but sometimes in the pron industry, limp happens.

 

however, when formulating our franchise strategy once being formally named as the owner, the goal was put pieces in place to not only compete later on (as some dynasty owners would do) but to be a playoff team in year 1. So.... mission accomplished despite losing a very key piece.

 

The El Mago doesn't care about 5 and 10 dollar weekly prizes, he cares about advancing in the playoffs. We shall see what happens. At this point in time, The El Mago does not have the luxury that some long time owners have which was the time to prey on weaker owners and build a deeper roster, thus injuries impact the El Mago a little more than the other playoff teams. We will rectify this issue for 2017 and beyond.

[mobb_deep 917]

my team is fading badly. happy to most likely be looking at a matchup with a team i should beat. But I'm pretty sure he beat me both times in the regular season, so we'll see what happens.

 

Good luck all.

[WhiteWonder 2,171]

my team is fading badly. happy to most likely be looking at a matchup with a team i should beat. But I'm pretty sure he beat me both times in the regular season, so we'll see what happens.

 

Good luck all.

 

makes sense

 

good luck next week. you shouldn't need it