Super NFL Rant: lockdown prognostications (fancy way of sayin’
*Credit to brotherbrock for some extremely quotable Rivers/Bears shade, and Byrdman5 for coining the phrase "Fitzmagic" which I'm stealing forever.
Lets start this off with my man…Aaron “NFL QB GOD” Rogers. What was that last Sunday? That was Rodgers showing us the Bears are who we thought they were. Sit down and watch as THE 1st round HOF/GOAT/QB dismantles them, on one leg and rips out Khalil Mack’s heart with the greatest comeback win ever! Khalil Mack is really entertaining though. That guy can do it all, except play QB and make his team score more than 6 points in the second half, poor guy.
I somehow entirely missed the fact that one of my old favorites, Chucky is back as a coach with the RAIDERS!! While this excites me a lot – not because I think he is any good as a coach, this is fuckin’ great for beer drinking every time they show his “angry chucky face”. Didn’t his last tenure as a coach in Tampa confirm he sucks? Tony Dungy called and thanks Gruden for winning a Superbowl with his team, against his old team where you knew all the plays in advance...good job Chucky, gold star. He’ll be fired at the end of the year, then he can go back to telling Raiders and Bucs stories, and lamenting the “tuck rule” in the broadcast booth.
Ahh…good old plucky Eli Manning. So apparently throwing swan-dive-deep hail-Mary passes all game into double and triple coverage is a thing now? Also, just induct Saquon Barkley into the HOF now, he’s clearly the best RB we’ve ever seen.
Brady to Gronk connection is alive and well…at least for 6 games until Gronk breaks his fibula/tibula/scapula/collarbone/arm or whatever season ending injury he gets this year happens. Smoke ‘em while you got ‘em people, Gronk is a part-time FF player now, then the rest of the season he’ll be on your IR.
Let’s move on to the Steelers! Le’Veon Bell was busted night-clubbing in Miami late Monday night, so Pitt took him off their official depth chart, and changed their Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated”. Until Bell comes back Connor filled in admirably, but he’s not going to get to go up against the Browns every week. At some point, they need Bell back, and Ben needs to stop going full retard with the INTs.
Jets are apparently some sort of good football team now? Who cares? I have never willingly sat down to watch a Jets game, I don’t intend to start now. Then again, they made Matty Stafford look pretty stupid by picking him 4 times. My 8-year waiting game to for Stafford to become an elite QB is on a 10-year timeline.
According to Chargers insider Brotherbrock: Allegedly Phillip Rivers spent all of practice on Tuesday throwing the ball as hard as he could at his receivers' ankles and screaming "What!? You wouldn't catch it anyway!" Remember, it’s always the WR’s fault Phillip, always.
“Fitzmagic” is back! Remember once upon a time when Fitzpatrick strung 4 good games together for the Bills and they signed him to a big contract? Then he was the ultimate journeyman with journeyman beard to bounce around the league…but GOD DAMN IS THAT NOT A MAGNIFICENT BEARD? You know this man went to Hahvahd right? That means he’s SMART and can read defenses and such!
On with the picks!
Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals (-1) – This will be a close one, but Ravens DST looked really good.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5) – Not confident on this one but maybe Matt can put a good game together.
Indianapolis Colts at Washington Redskins (-5.5) – Skins looked pretty decent last week
Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-1) – Pretty much a pick em, I like the Texans roster more.
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Fitzmagic 2 weeks in a row? I doubt it, Eagles DST is scary.
Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5) – Sorry Pitt, you gotta prove it. KC are a hella good team, I like them to cover that spread.
Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-3) – Fins always seem to play the Jets close.
Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills – That’s a big ass spread, but what is Buffalo going to do if they fall behind? Throw deep passes?
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-1) – Obviously I’m a Rogers homer, I think if GB could handle Chicago pass rush they can handle the vikes.
Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints (-8.5) – I was briefly tempted to take the Browns to cover, but I don’t think Taylor can keep pace with Brees.
Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers (-5.5) – You know I like Stafford….but I like winning money more.
Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams (-12.5) – This line is Ridiculous. Also I am a Gurley owner...but the Cards will cover…maybe.
New England Patriots (-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars – I was briefly tempted to take the Jags, but I think NE win by 3.
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-5.5) – Raiders did not inspire much confidence at all last week, I really like Denver here, expect to see lots of angry chucky-face.
New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3) – I think Dallas rebound. Eli looked like…well bad Eli.
Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-3.5) – I’m ok with Wilson on the road to cover.