The Soilost

IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

This is what the MAGAturd mind doesn't understand. BLM is a peaceful movement. I was in Dallas yesterday and saw it emblazoned on the side of a church. I was in Washington, D.C., and it has the Black Lives Matter Plaza. The MAGAturd labels it a terroist organization because of the actions of opportunistic drugged-up thugs who take advantage of a volatile situation and loot, burn and destroy things because they get a kick out of it and they think they can get away with it. That's like labeling all MAGAturds as racist, fascists goods because of the actions of the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, skinheads, the KKK and other neo-Nazi organizations.

Hello, friends and enemas! The Soilost is back with a fresh set of predictions that will help you win your league. My patented software, which I tweek annually, has proven to be the best predictor in the business. Everything from family background to field conditions to crowd noise gets factored into the equation. Last year I factored in the influence the Ukraine war would have on fantasy production, and boy did I hit the nail on the head. Not much has changed in the past year, but I did notice some unusual activity in my systems in February. As it turns out, the Chinese were sending spy balloons over our country to tap into MY network and steal MY intellectual property! Well, The Soilost turned the tables on those commie bastages. I managed to protect my information while giving them completely bogus predictions that are sure to ruin a whole lot of fantasy seasons over there. Ha! That said, here are The Soilost rankings for 2023: QUARTERBACKS. 1.) Jordan Love - The Love Boat will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone. Set a course for adventure. Your mind on a new romance. 2.) Kenny Pickett - What do you do when your nose goes on strike? PICKETT! 3.) Brock Purdy - He sure has a Purdy mouf. 4.) Jimmy Garoppolo - Oh, juke joint Jimmy is the latest thing. He's got QB skills that everybody digs. Yeah, the stadium be jumpin' when Jimmy's arm pumpin'. And you know they play a crazy gig. Well, you ain't been living 'til you've seen the living end. Top Jimmy and his Gridiron Pigs. Top Jimmy cooks, top Jimmy slings. He's got the look. Top Jimmy, oh, Jimmy. Top Jimmy, go Jimmy. Top Jimmy. Oh, he's the king. 5.) C.J. Stroud - Strouded in mystery! 6.) Patrick Mahommes - Still pretty good. 7.) Dak Prescott - Tick Dak score! 8.) Gino Smith - Gino is like a fine vino! 9.) Justin Fields - Justin Fields forever. 10.) Anthony Richardson - Richardson won't give you a reason to bitchardson! RUNNING BACKS 1.) Nick Chubb - Rub-a-dub-dub. Your mom and Nick Chubb. 2.) Jahmyr Gibbs - Jahmyr Jahmyr Gibbs. 3.) Alexander Mattison - He'll be Mattisonbating all over opposing defenses. 4.) Khalil Herbert - Khalil Khalimazel. Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. 5.) Deuce Vaughn - Drop this Deuce onto your roster. 6.) Zach Charbonnet - My Charbonnet lies over the ocean. My Charbonnet lies over the sea. My Charbonnet lies over the ocean. Oh bring back my Charbonnet to me. 7.) Austin Ekeler - Austin Powers! 8.) Dalvin Cook - This Cook will be serving up a generous helping of TDs. 9.) Bijan Robinson - Bijan mustard! 10.) De'Von Achane - You must take the Achane. To go to Sugar Hill, way over in Miami. If you miss the Achane. You'll find you missed the quicket way to Miami. Get on the Achane. WIDE RECEIVER 1.) CeeDee Lamb - Mares eat oats, and does eat oats. And CeeDee Lamb eats endzone. A kid'll eat end zone too, wouldn't you? 2.) Ju Ju Smith-Schuster - Ju Ju on that beat. 3.) Christian Kirk - Capt. Kirk going to beam up some TDs! 4.) Garrett Wilson - Garrett Schmarrett. 5.) Zay Flowers - Where have all the Flowers gone? Long time passing. Where have all Flowers gone? Long time ago. Where have all Flowers gone. In the end zone, everyone! When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? 6.) Nico Collins - Definitely something in the air tonight with this Collins. 7.) Justin Jefferson - Mr. Jefferson be movin' on up to that de-lux end zone in the sky. 8.) Chris Olave - The name of the game (football). The name of the game (football). The name of the game (football). The name of the game. OLAVE! OLAVE! OLAVE! OLAVE! 9.) Jaxon Smith-Njigba - Action Jaxon. 10.) Drake London - London caling! The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in. Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin. A nuclear era, but I have no fear. 'Cause London is calling, and I live by the river. Well that will do it for this year. Now go win your leagues. PEACE OUT! The Soilost

I second Pimpadeaux.

I predict no charges on Trump.

18 years ago.

Thanks for the catch! Correction made, sir.

Hello, friends and foes! Another fantasy football season is upon us, and we are in the thick of draft season. For years, I've been using my patented software and genius fantasy-football knowledge to bring you the best fantasy-football rankings in the business. My rankings go beyond the X's and O's. They go beyond what you see on the field. I dig into family backgrounds, field types, those susceptible to illness, fan energy and myriad other factors. The obvious factor I worked into this year's formula was the war in Ukraine. Most of us like war movies, right? They get the adrenaline pumping and bring out our inner warriors. Using what I know coupled with deep insider information about each player, I came up with a formula that determines how much war a player has in his body, right down to the DNA level. Is he a wimp or a warrior? Or somewhere in between. That said, here are The Soilost rankings for 2022: QUARTERBACKS 1.) Russell Wilson - This Wilson isn't some old volleyball with a crudely drawn face on it. 2.) Trey Lance - Sir Lance A Lot of Defenders in the butt. 3.) Josh Allen - Ooh ooh. You might not ever get rich. But let me tell ya it's better than diggin' a ditch. There ain't no tellin' who you might meet. A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief. At the car Josh. Workin' at the car Josh, girl. 4.) Justin Herbert - Herbert will be a touchdown pervert. 5.) Joe Burrow - Hey, Joe. Where ya going with that football in your hand? He's going down to the end zone, and he ain't messin' 'round with another man. 6.) Trevor Lawrence - Lawrence of Score-rabia! 7.) Tua Tagovailo - His last name sounds like some kind of Ukrainian pastry. 8.) Jared Goffe - Goffe will go off! 9.) Davis Mills - One Mills make you larger. The others make you small. But he ones the Texans give you will show a lot of balls. 10.) Derek Carr - Ooh ooh. You might not ever get rich. But let me tell ya it's better than diggin' a ditch. There ain't no tellin' who you might meet. A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief. At the Carr wash. Workin' at the Carr wash, girl. RUNNING BACKS 1.) Rhamondre Stevenson - Rhamandre noodles! 2.) Dameon Pierce - Didn't he make you feel like you were the only fan? Yeah. And didn't he give you nearly everything that the man possibly can? Honey, you know I did. And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I can't get enough. But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a player can be tough … I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it. Take another little Pierce of my heart now, baby (whoa, break it). 3.) Breece Hall - The Jets saw their problems, and they've seen the light. They got a lovin' thing, and we gotta feed it right. There ain't no danger, they can go too far. They start believin' now that J-E-T-S can be who they are. Breece is the word ... Breece is the word, is the word that you heard. He's got a groove, it's got a meaning. Breece is the time, is the place, is the motion. Breece is the way we are feeling. 4.) Austin Ekeler - Ekeler Skelter ba-na-na-na-na-na-na! 5.) Javonte Williams - Javonte is smooth like Belafonte. 6.) James Conner - Conner the dive bomber. 7.) Rachaad White - Rachaadmen noodles! 8.) Aaron Jones - Mr. Jones has a thang going on. 9.) Rashaed Penny - Penny Lane is on the field and in the end zone. Wet beneath the blue Seattle skies. I sit and meanwhile back in. 10.) Jonthan Taylor - Great value at this draft position. WIDE RECEIVER 1.) Courtland Sutton - Sutton will be end-zone sluttin'! 2.) Ju Ju Smith-Schuster - There's this man that's been on my mind. All the time, JuJu Schustudio. Oh oh. Now he don't even know my name. But I think she likes me just the same JuJu Schustudio. Woah oh. 3.) Christian Kirk - Mister Christian, oh, the time has come. And you know that you're the only one to say, "Okay." Where you going? What you looking for? You know those boys don't want to play no more with you, it's true. MOTORIN'! 4.) D.J. Moore - This D.J. will spin footballs instead of records in the end zone. 5.) CeeDee Lamb - Has the Lamb stopped screaming, Clarice? 6.) Justin Jefferson - Justin be lustin' for the end zone. 7.) Cooper Cupp - Give me little drink from your loving Cupp. Just one drink and I'll fall down drunk yeah. 8.) Tee Higgins - Tee Rex! 9.) Deebo Samuel - Deebo ain't no end-zone placebo! 10.) Amon-Ra St. Brown - Amon noodles! Well that will do it for this year. Now go win your leagues. PEACE OUT! The Soilost

So Week 1 turned out to be a disaster for your fantasy team. Those with Aaron Rogers must feel like their fantasy year is over before it began. Derrick Henry pooped the bed, as did Mike Evans. You know my word is gold, and my fantasy prognosticating is the world's best Well here's a little Soilost advice I've only shared with a select few in the past, something you need to do RIGHT NOW to save your season: PANIC!

I'm sure metal feels the same way about you, Capt. Crabbypants.

It already has. This guy came over to fix my septic tank earlier. Seemed trustworthy. I was on my porch, trying to wrap my head around what my software was producing. I see turkey vultures overhead. Circling. Circling. Circling. And then all of a sudden we have a suicide bomber outside Kabul. Coincidence? Nope. It's NEVER a coincidence. 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10. J. It's all about J.

The patented software used to make my league-winning picks over the years has incorporated everything from turf brands, allergies, pandemics, fan noise and hurricanes to family background and religious beliefs. Last year, I selected Josh Allen as the No. 1 fantasy QB. Guess who wound up being the No. 1 fantasy QB? But much has changed in the past year for The Soilost. I used my patented software to analyze conspiracy theories, and the results were mind-altering. That said, I have become a devoted member of Qanon, whose secret leader is a Silverback Geek I am not at liberty to disclose, lest he strike me down with a wave of his hand and turn me into a greasy spot. I simultaneously ran Qanon and my usual fantasy-football information through the software, and it came up 10 10 10 10 10 10. The 10th letter of the alphabet is J. Plugging that into the software, a clear pattern emerged for this year's fantasy rankings. Every player on my list has the letter "J" in his name. So here you have it, the 2021 Soilost rankings: QBs 1.) Josh Allen - Does he ever get tired of being so ... amazing? 2.) Justin Herbert - He'll be Justin side her end zone all day. 3.) Jalen Hurts - Hurts so good. Come on, baby, make it Hurts so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should. 4.) Lamar Jackson - Still pretty good. 5.) Joe Burrow - He'll burrow into defenses like a chigger on a lawn-maintence guy. 6.) Justin Fields - Let him take you down, 'cause we're going to Justin Fields. Nothing is real. And nothing to get hung about. Justin Fields 4 ever. 7.) Jarod Goff - It's a good thing his first name isn't Jack! 8.) Jameis Winston - He tastes good like he should. 9.) Mac Jones – Fleetwod Mac will displace Olivia Newton Portojohn in no time. 10.) Jimmy Garapollo - Hopefully he won't be the Crapollo we've seen in pre-season. RBs 1.) Najee Harris - Najee Najee boo boo!! 2.) J.K. Dobbins - And if Dobby does this wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the top of M&T Bank Stadium! 3.) Joe Mixon - Mixon is fixin' to bust loose. 4.) Aaron Jones - The Lord said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the grass at Lambeau Field - over the end zones and grass, over the goal lines and yard markers - and they will turn to beer.' Beer will be everywhere in Green Bay, in every cuppeth, bowl and crotch protector. 5.) Josh Jacobs – Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in the NFL. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the opposing team, and shall try to tackle Abraham, Isaac and Jacobs, in the kingdom of Vegas. But the opponents of Jacobs shall be cast out into the desert, where there will be weeping and chafing of thighs among the crapper-busting fatties from another land. 6.) Jonathan Taylor – As soon as he had finished speaking to Coach Reich, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of Good King Wentzeslas, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Reich took hm that day and would not let him return to the bench. Then Jonathan made a cornveneant with Wentzeslas ... And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe ... wait what the hell is going on here? 7.) James Robinson – Rockin' Robinson. Tweedle lee dee dee dee! 8.) Javonte Williams – Javonte sauce! 9.) David Johnson – Staying out of the massage parlors! 10.) Jamaal Williams - He'll be in while Swifterpickerupper nurses his lady parts. WRs 1.) Justin Jefferson – Jefferson Scareplane! 2.) A.J. Brown – He's big, bad A.J. Brown. Meanest wide receiver in the whole dang town. Stronger than ol' King Kong. Meaner than a junkyard dog. 3.) Diontae Johnson – His team will be stroking this Johnson for TDs! 4.) Odell Beckham Jr. – Odellay! 5.) Jerry Jeudy – Jeudy blue eyes! 6.) D.J. Moore – Moore than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me. 'Cause I'd already know. 7.) Julio Jones – Julio TDglesias jacks off in outter spacesias. 8.) Ju Ju Smith Schuster – Here come old Steelers. They come grooving up slowly. They got Ju Ju eyeball. He one holy roller. He got taters down to his knees. Got to be a player he just do what he please. 9.) Marvin Jones – Mr. Jones and me. Tell each other fairy tales. And we stare at the beautiful end zone. It's looking at you. 10.) Ja'Marr Chase – Ja'scoringmachine! That’ll do it for this year folks. Now go win your league! Peace out! The Soilost

I second the Hardcore troubadour nomination and predict that he will win.