What do you do about cancerous people?

[trumpurethra 42]

You know, people who lack compassion and empathy. People that just generally don't like people lol. And I'm talking cancerous people who are in your circle, family members, close friends, etc. It's easy to cut someone loose you don't really care about.

 

Do you just cut them off or do you try to help them and hope they will come around?

[Cdub100 3,370]

Hi it's me your cancer

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

You know, people who lack compassion and empathy. People that just generally don't like people lol. And I'm talking cancerous people who are in your circle, family members, close friends, etc. It's easy to cut someone loose you don't really care about.

 

Do you just cut them off or do you try to help them and hope they will come around?

My natural father is like that. I put up with it for almost thirty years. For a number of years, we practiced law together.

 

Hes bitter, always angry, always negative. Everything is always bad, everyone is always stupid. He is also a raging control freak. Everyone has to be doing what he wants. We would all watch tv together, him controlling the remote of course. If his wife would go into the back to wash her hair or whatever, hed get annoyed. If I went to talk to my girlfriend on the phone (I was 22) he got annoyed.

 

There were daily screaming matches and head games. Raging narcissist.

 

I finally realized he didnt really see the people around him as people. I was not special to him for myself, or anything normal, but almost as an institution. The heir to the throne. An extension of himself, his genes thrown into the future.

 

We had a huge blow out around the time I met my ex wife. He was hideously rude to her, he and I damn near came to blows, and I resigned from the practice.

 

Shortly thereafter, after a couple more fights, I was done. I eventually asked my stepdad (who married my mom when I was 8 and thus raised me) to adopt me and took his name.

 

Havent spoken to my father since. That was... around ten years ago Id say. His wife has tried to contact me a couple of times. I didnt respond.

 

Do I feel bad about it? Yeah. Sometimes. He is my father and was for a long time my best friend. We are a lot alike, in good ways and bad. I try my best to fight the demons he long since gave into.

 

Bottom line... he is miserable and rather than changing anything, he chooses to blame the world and everyone in it. The more I was around it the more like him I became. I feel like I had to do what I did.

 

I still feel guilt though. One day Ill get the deathbed call. Since I live on the other side of the world, I wont go, and it will probably haunt me.

[IGotWorms 3,302]

Depends on the situation.

 

Got a coworker that fits the bill. I actually like her in many ways but shes one of those people that seems to ultimately alienate everyone. Probably has some mental health issue like borderline personality. As much as Id like to help, it is not my duty or my place. So I just stay the fock away like most everyone probably ends up doing in the poor gals life.

 

Now its different if its a close friend or relative. Then, yes, I think you do need to try to help. Convince them they have a problem and need to address. Be compassionate. But ultimately if they wont do anything and their behavior is very problematic for you or your family, then sadly you might have to kind of cut em loose while letting them know youre still there for them should some crisis occur or if they should ever come around on the problem.

[drobeski 3,061]

Bill, is that you ?

[IGotWorms 3,302]

My natural father is like that. I put up with it for almost thirty years. For a number of years, we practiced law together.

 

Hes bitter, always angry, always negative. Everything is always bad, everyone is always stupid. He is also a raging control freak. Everyone has to be doing what he wants. We would all watch tv together, him controlling the remote of course. If his wife would go into the back to wash her hair or whatever, hed get annoyed. If I went to talk to my girlfriend on the phone (I was 22) he got annoyed.

 

There were daily screaming matches and head games. Raging narcissist.

 

I finally realized he didnt really see the people around him as people. I was not special to him for myself, or anything normal, but almost as an institution. The heir to the throne. An extension of himself, his genes thrown into the future.

 

We had a huge blow out around the time I met my ex wife. He was hideously rude to her, he and I damn near came to blows, and I resigned from the practice.

 

Shortly thereafter, after a couple more fights, I was done. I eventually asked my stepdad (who married my mom when I was 8 and thus raised me) to adopt me and took his name.

 

Havent spoken to my father since. That was... around ten years ago Id say. His wife has tried to contact me a couple of times. I didnt respond.

 

Do I feel bad about it? Yeah. Sometimes. He is my father and was for a long time my best friend. We are a lot alike, in good ways and bad. I try my best to fight the demons he long since gave into.

 

Bottom line... he is miserable and rather than changing anything, he chooses to blame the world and everyone in it. The more I was around it the more like him I became. I feel like I had to do what I did.

 

I still feel guilt though. One day Ill get the deathbed call. Since I live on the other side of the world, I wont go, and it will probably haunt me.

You should reach out. Forgive. Hell you live half the world away. All you gotta do is see him once.

[the s is ilent 69]

I ran into an old friend from high school. He had on a titleist golf hat so invited him to play with our regular group.

 

Well, he sucks so bad it's uncomfortable to play with him. Constantly lost and slow as fock. "Back in the day he was scratch".....bullchit

 

He's on disability for a bad back and gets a monthly guberment check. Now I'm getting texts like "can I borrow a hundo so I can play golf" first few times I would give him some cash and then not see him for weeks at a time. Now I dont answer his calls or texts.

 

I don't really care if he ever comes back.

[kutulu 1,542]

GFY

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

You should reach out. Forgive. Hell you live half the world away. All you gotta do is see him once.

Its not about forgiveness. I dont hate him at all. Im not angry with him. I pity him.

 

I dont see reaching out as a viable option. He would view my adoption and name change as an unforgivable betrayal (he absolutely hates my step father.)

 

It is what it is at this point. My sister has long since done the same. She hasnt spoken to him in over a decade either. Except the time he called on her wedding night to scream at her for not inviting him and letting our stepfather walk her down the aisle.

[IGotWorms 3,302]

Its not about forgiveness. I dont hate him at all. Im not angry with him. I pity him.

 

I dont see reaching out as a viable option. He would view my adoption and name change as an unforgivable betrayal (he absolutely hates my step father.)

 

It is what it is at this point. My sister has long since done the same. She hasnt spoken to him in over a decade either. Except the time he called on her wedding night to scream at her for not inviting him and letting our stepfather walk her down the aisle.

Well thats pretty sad, this dude is gonna die estranged from his own children. Would it kill you not to let that happen? Unless youre like a kiddie diddler or something, Im not sure anyone deserves that fate. And even if they did you can be the better man and act humanely

[Brad GLuckman 518]

Its not about forgiveness. I dont hate him at all. Im not angry with him. I pity him.

 

I dont see reaching out as a viable option. He would view my adoption and name change as an unforgivable betrayal (he absolutely hates my step father.)

 

It is what it is at this point. My sister has long since done the same. She hasnt spoken to him in over a decade either. Except the time he called on her wedding night to scream at her for not inviting him and letting our stepfather walk her down the aisle.

Why do you think his wife reached out instead of him? I find that odd. Maybe he's voiced to her that it bothers him, but he's too proud to reach out?

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Well thats pretty sad, this dude is gonna die estranged from his own children. Would it kill you not to let that happen? Unless youre like a kiddie diddler or something, Im not sure anyone deserves that fate. And even if they did you can be the better man and act humanely

Youre likely right.

 

My sister and I have talked about it. Its just one of those things neither one of us wants to face. We have our scars and have found happiness after going through some sh!t, and neither one of us really wants him back in our lives.

 

But yeah, it might be somewhat cathartic to just do it and move on. Its one of the things I carry with me.

 

Either that or it would be an ugly focking scene. I have no objection whatsoever to forgive and forget. I have zero inclination to beg forgiveness and listen to a tirade from him.

 

My sister on the other hand has zero interest. They never had a good relationship and he terrifies her. As the boy, he and I always got along better, until I had enough.

[peenie 1,690]

Titans, you don't have to see him, but please, maybe this Father's Day, send him a nice gift package from China. Include a picture of you and a nice loving note. It can be short. Just let him know that you love him and maybe a few things where you have been proud of him.

He will die one day, heck maybe you'll die first. Either way, let him know your love and respect for him is still there even though you're not physically in his life.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Why do you think his wife reached out instead of him? I find that odd. Maybe he's voiced to her that it bothers him, but he's too proud to reach out?

Yeah thats my read on it. Shes sent me a letter or two. Tried on Facebook a couple of times over the years with my sister and myself.

 

I venture to guess, knowing him, that hes taken a their dead to me position on the matter but she knows it really bothers him.

[IGotWorms 3,302]

Youre likely right.

 

My sister and I have talked about it. Its just one of those things neither one of us wants to face. We have our scars and have found happiness after going through some sh!t, and neither one of us really wants him back in our lives.

 

But yeah, it might be somewhat cathartic to just do it and move on. Its one of the things I carry with me.

 

Either that or it would be an ugly focking scene. I have no objection whatsoever to forgive and forget. I have zero inclination to beg forgiveness and listen to a tirade from him.

 

My sister on the other hand has zero interest. They never had a good relationship and he terrifies her. As the boy, he and I always got along better, until I had enough.

Heres what you do. You and your sister both travel to wherever he is. Just the two of you, no spouses etc for this one. Dont stay with him, get a hotel room. Look at it like you and your sister spending some time together and then oh yeah were gonna stop in and see whats up with dad. Go visit him and see how it goes. Keep it as brief and confined as you need to. Dont fight/argue. If hes too much of an ahole day good to see you again dad and leave.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Heres what you do. You and your sister both travel to wherever he is. Just the two of you, no spouses etc for this one. Dont stay with him, get a hotel room. Look at it like you and your sister spending some time together and then oh yeah were gonna stop in and see whats up with dad. Go visit him and see how it goes. Keep it as brief and confined as you need to. Dont fight/argue. If hes too much of an ahole day good to see you again dad and leave.

Maybe. From what i understand, he lives way out in the sticks on a lake now. Maybe next summer when Im home Ill see if shes down with that.

 

Ill leave the wife behind for that though. No way Im dragging her into that clusterfock.

[wiffleball 4,631]

The word is Toxic, ya fockchop.

[wiffleball 4,631]

I had a friend who was like that. It took me too long to realize that she would only call to talk to me when she wanted to about something. Which was pretty damn frequently. And if I try to offer a suggestion? Oh holy hell, she ripped my head off.

 

I'm sure most of us know the type. How are you? Really means, I don't give a how you are but I'll wait in patiently until you're done blabbering so I can for the next 45 minutes solid.

 

One day, like I said, far too late, she was bitching about some grocery store and I offered up Will hey, blah blah blah man is like 5 minutes away from you and she starts to lose her shyt and I just hung up on her.

 

She was just an awful horrible toxic person to be around. And obviously miserable.

 

She texted me something like wtf? And I texted back something like if you are honestly as miserable as you appear to be every damn day of your life, just put a bullet in your head and get it over with.

 

She would try to call or text or email me and I wouldn't even give her the satisfaction of reading or listening to the messages.

 

It takes a lot, but when I'm done, I'm done. I did the same thing with my grandmother. And it scared the out of my parents. Because then they knew that I would do the same thing with them. Grandmother tried to bribe me guilt me and everything in between and I was just done. Like turning off a switch. Never gave her two thoughts ever again.

 

Point being, once you get to that point? Just be done. If you keep going back to that kind of toxic environment, you are just a willing participant in your own victimization.

[shotsup 831]

I think Titians is Trumpurethra and started this thread to tell his story.

 

And the adoption and name change as an adult was absolutely an intentional betrayal.

[Gladiators 1,904]

My father in law has always been miserable. Hes had cancer for about 10 years, so I give him a bit of a break. But if its not 70-75 degrees, sunny, with no wind, he will complain about the weather. He complains about it pretty much every day. He also generally hates people.

 

He tends to be different around me because I have never given in to his attempts to bait me into joining in his misery. I stay positive, point out the good or that things could be worse...I also change the subject to sports, which occasionally leads into us biching about our teams.

 

You will never change people. Just have to decide whether its worth being around them. When you have kids, it becomes much easier to say no to spending time with the negative people.

 

I need to get the fock out of here.

[Djgb13 2,338]

What do you do? You send them here. People like slonutt, newbie, and the resident drunk shotsy are prime examples. Gives this place life and makes it interesting

[shotsup 831]

What do you do? You send them here. People like slonutt, newbie, and the resident drunk shotsy are prime examples. Gives this place life and makes it interesting

Far from it kid. Thanks for thinking of me Gomer.

[wiffleball 4,631]

My dad was clinically depressed for probably 20 to 30 years. Again, I can't believe it took me as long as it did to realize that.

 

Between Cancer, COPD, his biitch lunatic wife, and his son beating him into the grave, I tended to give the guy a pass. But I would just take him in small doses so he wouldn't suck me down into his vortex.

[Mr. Hand 482]

My dad was clinically depressed for probably 20 to 30 years. Again, I can't believe it took me as long as it did to realize that.

Between Cancer, COPD, his biitch lunatic wife, and his son beating him into the grave, I tended to give the guy a pass. But I would just take him in small doses so he wouldn't suck me down into his vortex.

You need help.

[Djgb13 2,338]

Far from it kid. Thanks for thinking of me Gomer.

Drunk this early on a Sunday?! Shame shame I know your name

[Sho Nuff 719]

What do you do? You send them here. People like slonutt, newbie, and the resident drunk shotsy are prime examples. Gives this place life and makes it interesting

Such a sad petty little guy.

[Bier Meister 1,512]

to the original question, it depends on my level and necessity of interaction..... work, friend, family.

 

work: how much interaction? subordinate on my team? lateral? boss?

 

friend or family: how close?

 

the closer the person, the more energy and effort i will exert, to a point. offer assistance. give opportunities to correct behavior. then start to distance myself

[Djgb13 2,338]

Such a sad petty little guy.

Holy irony Batman!

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

I think Titians is Trumpurethra and started this thread to tell his story.

 

And the adoption and name change as an adult was absolutely an intentional betrayal.

Ive told it here before. Hell, probably when it all went down. I have no Alia here.

 

Maybe I was wrong to do what I did. It wasnt out of spite. My stepdad raised me. I lived in his house from about 8 years old on. He did all the dad stuff. Taught me to shave and drive, all the camping trips and whatnot. I asked him to do it because I knew it would mean a lot to him, and it did. It meant a lot to me too. It should have happened years before when we were children, but that wasnt possible.

 

Anyway, Ill shut up now.

[MDC 5,877]

What do you do? You send them here. People like slonutt, newbie, and the resident drunk shotsy are prime examples. Gives this place life and makes it interesting

Your lies about being a doctor and playing college baseball gave all of us some minor entertainment.

[Djgb13 2,338]

Your lies about being a doctor and playing college baseball gave all of us some minor entertainment.

Pot meet kettle (and seeing as I actually DID play ball proves youre a liar)

[MDC 5,877]

Sure you did kid. Sure you did.

[Djgb13 2,338]

Sure you did kid. Sure you did.

Yep. Even posted proof. But of course liars like you are what this thread is talking about

[shotsup 831]

Ive told it here before. Hell, probably when it all went down. I have no Alia here.

 

Maybe I was wrong to do what I did. It wasnt out of spite. My stepdad raised me. I lived in his house from about 8 years old on. He did all the dad stuff. Taught me to shave and drive, all the camping trips and whatnot. I asked him to do it because I knew it would mean a lot to him, and it did. It meant a lot to me too. It should have happened years before when we were children, but that wasnt possible.

 

Anyway, Ill shut up now.

I take it back. Totally get it now. It just seemed you practiced law with your natural (your word) father and when you split (22 years old I think you said) you had your stepdad adopt you.

He raised you. Makes sense. To bad it didn't happen earlier.

 

So who has all big money ?

Dad or stepdad ?

The thousand dollar birthday checks !

[MDC 5,877]

Yep. Even posted proof. But of course liars like you are what this thread is talking about

I posted pics and my travel itinerary. You posted no proof at all. You also lied about being a doctor and claimed to have / no have a yeti cooler in the very same thread.

 

We all cringe with embarrassment for you.

[Djgb13 2,338]

I posted pics and my travel itinerary. You posted no proof at all. You also lied about being a doctor and claimed to have / no have a yeti cooler in the very same thread.

 

We all cringe with embarrassment for you.

Wtf are you talking about travel itinerary? Whatever it is must have been a lie cause I havent said a word about it and youre defensive. Ive posted proof of playing ball. And yes I did not have a yeti cooler until this Christmas (which I didnt buy at all).

 

My God man get it together. You sound pathetic right now. Im about to start treating you like Slotard and just not bother cause I refuse to argue with idiots. And youre really turning out to be one more than usual

[MDC 5,877]

I assumed you were repeating HTs line about me lying about going to Dallas. I posted proof that I was there. From what I recall you posted a link to a non college roster as proof that you played college ball. You already readily admit to lying about being a doctor.

 

Id say youre a compulsive and very bad liar.

[shotsup 831]

Wtf are you talking about travel itinerary? Whatever it is must have been a lie cause I havent said a word about it and youre defensive. Ive posted proof of playing ball. And yes I did not have a yeti cooler until this Christmas (which I didnt buy at all).

 

My God man get it together. You sound pathetic right now. Im about to start treating you like Slotard and just not bother cause I refuse to argue with idiots. And youre really turning out to be one more than usual

Priceless

[Djgb13 2,338]

I assumed you were repeating HTs line about me lying about going to Dallas. I posted proof that I was there. From what I recall you posted a link to a non college roster as proof that you played college ball. You already readily admit to lying about being a doctor.

 

Id say youre a compulsive and very bad liar.

No i think most would agree youve been lying a lot more than I have ever. And if I find the picture of my signing day (parents have it somewhere) Ill post that but til then its safe to assume youre lying and that what I posted was complete proof since it was someone other than me saying that I had already signed with them.

 

However, there wont be a next time with you. Just gonna treat you like Slotard and stop arguing since its obvious youre an idiot and also proving to more people that youre one. Enjoy your day

[shotsup 831]

I assumed you were repeating HTs line about me lying about going to Dallas. I posted proof that I was there. From what I recall you posted a link to a non college roster as proof that you played college ball. You already readily admit to lying about being a doctor.

 

Id say youre a compulsive and very bad liar.

He's not that clever. He's a Gomer Pyle from SC.