[** OFFICIAL 2017 SOILOST RANKINGS **]

[The Soilost 28]

Folks, it has been a sad two years since The Soilost brought you his fabled fantasy-football rankings.

 

I was under court order not to release rankings last year following my ex-wife’s filing of a ridiculous lawsuit, which claimed that the Direct TV guy she left me for was the one who developed the software system I use for my rankings. The lawsuit claimed that the day I came home and caught them bumping uglies in my bedroom, plans for the ranking system fell out of his pocket while he scrambled to put his pants back on as I wildly swung at him with a nine iron.

 

A few months ago, I won the legal battle, so here we are on the verge of another glorious football season.

 

For those who don’t know me, I developed a complicated software system that takes into account myriad factors when coming up with fantasy football ranking. It takes into account family background, weather, stadium volume levels and configurations, the economy and even hurricanes.

 

Other factors will remain secret, but I can say one factor I added this year was spirituality. A deep look was taken into every kind of religion imaginable and how that would affect a player’s performance on the field. It took a lot of research to just get all those players' religions, I tell ya.

 

The results were astonishing, and I’m excited to share them with you.

 

So here they are, the 2017 Soilost Rankings:

 

QUARTERBACK

 

1.) Jameis Winston – Tastes good like a quarterback should.

2.) Kirk Cousins – Capt. Kirk will beam up one TD after another.

3.) Dak Prescott – Dakity schmakity doooo!!!

4.) Tom Brady – Still has skills.

5.) Carson Wentz – Good King Wentzeslas looked on feast of Sunday. When the snow lay round about crips and even. Brighly shone the stadium lights. Though the defenses were cruel. When his receiver got open, it made the fans drool.

6.) Aaron Rodgers – Rodgers will Hammerstein opposing defenses.

7.) Tom Savage – Today’s Tom Savage, he gets by on you, and the space he invades, he gets by on you.

8.) Trevor Siemian – What’s hard and full of Siemian? A submarine! And Trevs is gonna torpedo opposing defenses.

9.) Drew Brees – Still good.

10.) Brock Osweiler – Ol’ Assweiler finally gets it together this year.

 

 

RUNNING BACK

 

1.) Kareem Hunt – Kareem pie!

2.) Leonard Fournette – He’ll be Fournettecating defenses all year.

3.) Todd Gurley – Hurly Gurley, hurly Gurley, hurly Gurley Gurley, he sang.

4.) Le’Veon Bell – Le’Veon, Le’Veon likes his money. He makes a lot, they say.

5.) Jay Ajayi – Ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja …

6.) Joe Mixon – Don’t need no fixin’.

7.) David Johnson – Some have him at No. 1.

8.) Bilal Powell – Powell! Right in da kissah!

9.) Dalvin Cook – He’ll be Dalving into the end zone!

10.) Mark Ingram – Yep.

 

WIDE RECEIVERS

 

1.) Antonio Brown – Good.

2.) Dez Bryant – Dez dispenser will crank out TDs.

3.) Tyreek Hill – Tyreek havoc on D’s.

4.) Michael Crabtree – Craptree’s year to shine.

5.) Golden Tate – More like golden showers for opponents.

6.) Willie Snead – You have a need for Snead.

7.) Odell Beckham Jr. – Odell lay!

8.) Brandon Marshall – I like this kid.

9.) Julio Jones – He’s got a thing going on.

10.) Mike Evans – Yes!

 

Well that’s it for this year folks. Now go win your leagues.

 

Peace out!

 

The Soilost

 

 

 

 

 

[stonewall 647]

Back from the dead.......

[BuschWack 56]

You lost me at "Dakity schmakity doooo!!!", but I kept reading anyways.

[jgcrawfish 232]

Dude might be better than Santa Clause...show's up once a year with goodies then is gone for another 364. I can't wait to read them.

[jgcrawfish 232]

So here they are, the 2017 Soilost Rankings:

 

QUARTERBACK

7.) Tom Savage – Today’s Tom Savage, he gets by on you, and the space he invades, he gets by on you.

8.) Trevor Siemian – What’s hard and full of Siemian? A submarine! And Trevs is gonna torpedo opposing defenses.

10.) Brock Osweiler – Ol’ Assweiler finally gets it together this year.

 

 

RUNNING BACK

 

8.) Bilal Powell – Powell! Right in da kissah!

10.) Mark Ingram – Yep.

 

WIDE RECEIVERS

 

4.) Michael Crabtree – Craptree’s year to shine.

5.) Golden Tate – More like golden showers for opponents.

The Soilost

 

 

 

[Gladiators 1,903]

A few days late. Get your sh!t together next year.

[JagFan 97]

Always a fun read, but I am curious....

 

7.) Odell Beckham Jr. – Odell lay!

8.) Brandon Marshall – I like this kid.

 

But no Eli in your top 10????

[Raider 84 29]

Welcome Back!

[SkoomaTrader 0]

Did you catch the guy with the 9 iron? I hate Direct TV

[The Soilost 28]

Did you catch the guy with the 9 iron? I hate Direct TV

 

Yeah. I beat his ass silly.

[Gladiators 1,903]

Can you shed some light on how religious beliefs play into the rankings? I've gone back and forth on this over the years, but just can't seem to buy into it.

[The Soilost 28]

Can you shed some light on how religious beliefs play into the rankings? I've gone back and forth on this over the years, but just can't seem to buy into it.

 

Certain religious beliefs carry a heavier acceptance of violence than others. Other religions condemn the touching of certain body parts. It's far too complicated for a simple explanation. You just have to trust me.

[VJaye 7]

[JagFan 97]

Can you shed some light on how religious beliefs play into the rankings? I've gone back and forth on this over the years, but just can't seem to buy into it.

This is a great read, and should shed light on Religion's role in Fantasy Football:

 

Redeeming Fantasy Football JEREMY WRITEBOL

[Gladiators 1,903]

 

Certain religious beliefs carry a heavier acceptance of violence than others. Other religions condemn the touching of certain body parts. It's far too complicated for a simple explanation. You just have to trust me.

This is exactly why I haven't taken the time to include it in my analysis. Fortunately, I haven't run into many opponents who've taken the time to do the research you have. Thank you for your work.

 

I don't want to derail such a great thread, so please answer this with a "yes" or "no." Should I say prayers for my guys?

[MTSkiBum 1,593]

It has been downhill ever since you got the Brandon stokely prediction correct.

[Mike FF Today 607]

History...

 

2015 Soilost Rankings
​2014 Soilost Rankings

2013 Soilost Rankings

2012 Soilost Rankings

[tanatastic 2,061]

Tom savage and Osweiler top 10 QBs. Worth it just for this!

[Patriotica 5]

Dammit...you only listed 2 of my guys.

 

 

:gulp:

[jgcrawfish 232]

 

For this year’s rankings, I took a step further and got an early start by hand picking a team of sonologists to be at every NFL game to measure and analyze sound and how that affected each play. Then I factored that into how it would affect each team in each game of the upcoming season It was my most complicated undertaking yet, and I think you’ll be pleased with the results.

 

Here are my 2014 rankings:

 

 

 

QUARTERBACKS

 

1.) Ryan Fitzpatrick – They won’t be calling him Shitzpatrick after this season!

2.) Colin Kaepernick – His name sounds like some kind of ancient astronomist, and he’ll be chucking the pigskin all the way to Uranus!

3.) Nick Foles – Could become the greatest quarterback of our time.

4.) Tom Brady – He’ll have defenses’ panties in a bunch once again!

5.) Geno Smith – Geno ain’t no pizza poo.

6.) Peyton Manning – He’ll be Peytoning the end zones red!

7.) Cam Newton – His success will not be some Fig Newton of your imagination!

8.) Johnny Manziel – If he can keep from rolling up a Benjamin and snorting up the chalk lines, he’ll be fine.

9.) Matt Schaub – Ol’ Schwabby Pants will wipe away the tears and defensive end fecal matter from his face and return to glory.

10.) Tony Romo – His passes will see more ribs than a Nazi prison camp.

 

 

 

RUNNING BACKS

1.) Bishop Sankey – There’ll be a lot of Sankeying the Bishop into Tennessee opponents’ end zones!

2.) Montee Ball – Gonna make a touchdown deal!

3.) Rashad Jennings – The hillbilly terrorist will cook up some touchdowns.

4.) Ben Tate – He’ll Tateworm right into the end zone.

5.) Khiry Robinson - And here's to you, Mr. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

6.) Jamaal Charles – Still good.

7.) Alfred Morris – Morris – he’s a kitty cat. And he meow, meow, meows and he meow, meow, meows.

8.) Zac Stacy – He’ll be Zacking off in opponents’ end zones.

9.) Arian Foster – It’s an Arian Nation, and we just get to live in it.

10.) Matt Forte – Going to the Mattresses!

 

 

 

Wow, i just re-visited this one...you definitely need to take the sonologists out of the equation...this wasn't a good year and I think they threw off your software.

[The Soilost 28]

RUNNING BACK

 

1.) Kareem Hunt – Kareem pie!

 

 

WIDE RECEIVERS

 

 

3.) Tyreek Hill – Tyreek havoc on D’s.

 

[KSB2424 3,082]

I've won multiple fantasy leagues using the Soilist rankings.

 

Thank you!

[AintNoStoppinMeNow 68]

Snead will be a top 6 WR according to the rankings despite a 3 game suspension...Josh Gordon who? I've got a need for Snead!

[tanatastic 2,061]

Taking his advice and rolling Tom Savage and Osweiler since they will be top 10qbs. I can smell the trophy now!

[American Chewy 98]

will be interesting to see how siemian and osweiler both end up top 10

[mobb_deep 917]

History...

 

2015 Soilost Rankings

​2014 Soilost Rankings

2013 Soilost Rankings

2012 Soilost Rankings

I'm not sure if I should be excited or worried that I have many of his targets on my 2017 squad. 2014 was especially rough for the SOILOST.

[sirensong 111]

maybe MKB4 will show back up, too.

 

it frightens me how long i've been a member here, but a little swag too.

[Kopy 489]

FFTodays version of the farmers almanac

[nobody 2,031]

Another homerun by the soilost.

[jerryskids 5,169]

Another homerun by the soilost.

 

I can't believe people still doubt the Soilost. In fact I missed his rankings this year and as a result benched Hunt on Thursday.

[cmh6476 748]

Good picks