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40 ways women fail in bed


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#1 sawilson

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 02:31 AM

Since I posted what makes a women smile, here is one that the geeks might enjoy...


1. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

2. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

3. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that ######. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That ###### is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

6. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that ######, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

7. Whining when he pushes your head down on his ###### instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

8. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

9. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some ######. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

10. Not shaving your legs and allowing your crotch to resemble the amazons. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That's fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that ###### if you want him to spend any time down there.

11. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

12. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

13. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

14. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

15. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a ###### and tells you to come, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

16. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

17. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

18. Being too much of a ###### to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his ###### in your butt.

19. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

20. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

21. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

22. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all ###### surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

23. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big ###### deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

24. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

25. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his ######.

26. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

27. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

28. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty ###### you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

29. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

30. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

31. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

32. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

33. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

34. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

35. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

36. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

37. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really ###### you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

38. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

39. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

40. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

#2 TommyGavin

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 03:23 AM

there is WAY to many words for me to read. Is it funny? Is there a Readers Digest version out yet?
:ninja:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. ~Jack Handey (VIA IronToeNedney)

#3 GettnHuge

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 04:19 AM

Since I posted what makes a women smile, here is one that the geeks might enjoy...

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

11. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

17. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

26. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

36. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

40. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.


yea! and by the way with the '20 minute quickie' thing...

When totally sober and discounting foreplay.....On average how long do you last after insertion before "finishing"?
Under 2 minites [ 5 ] ** [6.33%]
2-5 minutes [ 20 ] ** [25.32%]
5-10 minutes [ 16 ] ** [20.25%]
10-20 minutes [ 19 ] ** [24.05%]
20 Minutes plus [ 19 ] ** [24.05%]
http://www.fftodayfo...howtopic=251270

GettnHuge
post Nov 7 2006, 04:22 AM
oooook I sees the poll and am skipping the other stuff...

you can't be serious with all this 2 minute 5 minute stuff right? I mean -maybe- if you were getting worked
over well with the hands and mouth beforehand could I see a few minutes. but 10-15 mins would be a quickie/ nooner,
20+ a typical session and 30 mins or more a good long fock. Hell it takes at least 5 mins to jerk myself off and that's
while horny and knowing the best/fastest way to do it.
MedStudent: Sorry to disapoint you but i don't have a pair.

nikki2200: But STAY ON TOPIC. This thread is about shooting water out of your ass

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SUXBNME: One unfortunate or funny thing that I did do was have my buddy take a pic of my weiner

#4 joneo

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 04:55 AM

12. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.


:ninja:
QUOTE
A thumbless Gollum, a wretched slave to NSFW links.
-phillybear
QUOTE
It is the most vile link he's ever posted. It makes tubgirl look like Mary ###### Poppins.
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QUOTE(edjr @ Sep 26 2008, 03:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hey Dumbledoof. what good is $350 per adult going to do?
Try a little math, genius.

#5 jets24

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 07:17 AM

In the words of David Cassidy....(and Hugh Grant)....


I think I wuv you. :dunno:
Say your prayers.

#6 Big Blue 06

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 07:25 AM

11. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

12. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.


:dunno:
If all porn was removed from the internet, there would only be one website left, and it would be called "bring back the porn".

#7 ILoveScratchTickets

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 07:32 AM

41, They look like sawilson

#8 tony hardware

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 08:14 AM

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That ###### is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.


Sometimes I wake up feeling like a paraplegic. I have to lift one arm with the other that still has feeling.

(I only made it to #6)

#9 Riddlen

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 08:51 AM

this messageboard needs a bulk page for crap like this. Why the sudden barrage of lists from our "female" posters. :wub:
"Thanks for stopping by you guys, thanks for breaking my cow lamp"

#10 tony hardware

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 08:53 AM

this messageboard needs a bulk page for crap like this. Why the sudden barrage of lists from our "female" posters. :wub:


They want acceptance :cheers:

#11 Wildman

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 08:58 AM

Since I posted what makes a women smile, here is one that the geeks might enjoy...
1. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner's mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

2. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

3. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that ######. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

4. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That ###### is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

5. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a porn star all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

6. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don't know who comes up with half that ######, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

7. Whining when he pushes your head down on his ###### instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

8. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

9. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some ######. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

10. Not shaving your legs and allowing your crotch to resemble the amazons. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. That's fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that ###### if you want him to spend any time down there.

11. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

12. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

13. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

14. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

15. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a ###### and tells you to come, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

16. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

17. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There's an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

18. Being too much of a ###### to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his ###### in your butt.

19. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

20. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

21. Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

22. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all ###### surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

23. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big ###### deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

24. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

25. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his ######.

26. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

27. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

28. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty ###### you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

29. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

30. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

31. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

32. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

33. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

34. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

35. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

36. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

37. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really ###### you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

38. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

39. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

40. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

:wub:

#12 davebg

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 09:03 AM

Sent to Mrs. DaveBG.

Can't wait to discuss the specifics over dinner tonight.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you, saying "That was focking awesome!"

#13 GutterBoy

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 09:07 AM

42. In an attempt to introduce pron into the lovemaking, you pull out an adult video and project it on your forehead.

#14 Big_Pete

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:41 PM

42. In an attempt to introduce pron into the lovemaking

one of my ex's (34A's) use to love putting on hentai when we focked :banana:
QUOTE(titans&bucs&bearsohmy @ Mar 12 2009, 11:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dude, ditch the cafe thing.

Go to your local bookstore. Check the self help aisle. If there is a cutie there, pounce, that is fish in a barrel easy.

If not, next store.

This works best on Friday or Saturday night when they feel pathetic for being in a bookstore alone on a weekend night. It just doesn't get much easier than that.


#15 Big Blue 06

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:46 PM

one of my ex's (34A's) use to love putting on hentai when we focked :banana:


What was his name?
If all porn was removed from the internet, there would only be one website left, and it would be called "bring back the porn".

#16 Strike

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:51 PM

Sent to Mrs. DaveBG.

Can't wait to discuss the specifics over dinner tonight.


And the therapist?
2008 Geek Bored Football Pick'em Champion

Meet the new politics of hope and change - same as the old politics

What ... was your father abusive towards you? Did he fondle you in the naughty places? Is that why the subject of pedophelia bothers you so much?


#17 kutulu

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:52 PM

this messageboard needs a bulk page for crap like this. Why the sudden barrage of lists from our "female" posters. :P


People who constantly post lists are the suck. :P :P :banana:

#18 frank

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:55 PM

41. Dialing 911 with your nose. Just relax.

"If I could start my life all over again, I would be a professional football player, and you damn well better believe I would be a Pittsburgh Steeler."

-- Jack Lambert --

 

OOTMFFOTB


#19 davebg

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:59 PM

And the therapist?

We see him tomorrow night. :P
But Mrs. DaveBG and I have been getting along rather well of late.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you, saying "That was focking awesome!"

#20 Patriotsfatboy1

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 12:59 PM

Good list. I would love to hear a woman's point of view on this list.




of course, we don't have any on this bored

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

#21 Big_Pete

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 01:03 PM

What was her name?

Her name is/was Shawnna. <---yeah, that's how she spelled it.
QUOTE(titans&bucs&bearsohmy @ Mar 12 2009, 11:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dude, ditch the cafe thing.

Go to your local bookstore. Check the self help aisle. If there is a cutie there, pounce, that is fish in a barrel easy.

If not, next store.

This works best on Friday or Saturday night when they feel pathetic for being in a bookstore alone on a weekend night. It just doesn't get much easier than that.


#22 davebg

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 01:05 PM

Her name is/was Shawnna. <---yeah, that's how she spelled it.

Was she... :P ...you know...:whisper: black? :whisper: :P
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you, saying "That was focking awesome!"

#23 Big_Pete

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Posted 19 December 2006 - 01:10 PM

Was she... :P ...you know...:whisper: black? :whisper: :P

no. blonde/blue eyes... only 5'1"... she was fun to fock. I know, she spells her name unconventionally.

It's weird too, cause her cooch tasted like a taco bell bean burrito :banana: :banana: :P
QUOTE(titans&bucs&bearsohmy @ Mar 12 2009, 11:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Dude, ditch the cafe thing.

Go to your local bookstore. Check the self help aisle. If there is a cutie there, pounce, that is fish in a barrel easy.

If not, next store.

This works best on Friday or Saturday night when they feel pathetic for being in a bookstore alone on a weekend night. It just doesn't get much easier than that.


#24 kutulu

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 06:45 AM

Bump





















ing uglies. :banana:

#25 BudBro

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 04:10 PM

tasted like a taco bell bean burrito :banana: :banana: :P

:lol:

“You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift, help small men by tearing down big men, strengthen the weak by weakening the strong, lift the wage-earner by pulling down the wage-payer, help the poor by destroying the rich, establish security on borrowed money, or help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.” —William J. H. Boetcker

http://www.flickr.co..."]2007 f-18 pic