[** OFFICIAL 2013 SOILOST RANKINGS **]

[The Soilost 28]

Howdy, Soilost fans!

 

It’s time to own your league again, and you know my picks will be money!

 

My patented software program once again has been upgraded and is better than ever. Last year, I brought my trusty group of crack psychologists together and had them sign up for analyze every NFL player’s Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, Instagram accounts and Pinterest accounts. The year before that, I convened the psychologists to study each and every player and their off-season workout habits, family life, contract situations and what mental impact the lockout had on them. I even factored in Hurricane Irene.

 

For this year’s rankings, I stretched those folks to the limit and not only had them re-analyze all of those things, but they were tasked with getting on Google Earth and carefully examining the players' homes and surroundings, right down to the quality of their neighbors. (You wouldn't believe some of the vehicles they drive and the hotness of their wives/girlfriends! And all that was factored into the rankings.) What I came up with is nothing short of being a cornucopia of awesomeness.

Here you go:

 

QUARTERBACKS

1.) Colin Kaepernick – Kaepernickus can chunk it past Uranus and beyond!

2.) Russell Wilson – Wiiilson!

3.) Carson Palmer – Locked, loaded and ready to saddle it up big-time.

4.) Ryan Tannehill – Ol’ Tannenbottom will return the Dolphins to greatness.

5.) Andrew Luck – Luck don’t suck.

6.) Sam Bradford – Sam the butcher, bringing St. Louis the meat.

7.) Blaine Gabbert – Gabbert Gabbert we accept you, we accept you one of us!

8.) Aaron Rodgers – Still pretty good.

9.) Andy Dalton – Raggedy Andy will stomp the stuffing out of defenses.

10.) EJ Manuel – The Electric Jellybean will bring it.

 

RUNNING BACKS

1.) C.J. Spiller – Spiller the wine, take that pearl!

2.) Lamar Miller – Miller time.

3.) Eddie Lacy – His man tank is full of awesome.

4.) Giovani Bernard – Had Mozart composed something about this Giovani, it would have been in the key of K – for kicking ass!

5.) Chris Ivory – This kid will run through defenses like soap through a kindergartener.

6.) Alfred Morris – Morris the Touchdownasaurus.

7.) Reggie Bush – We’ll see more Bush this year than a Bangkok ho-house!

8.) Darren McFadden – The McFatwaggon will roll over defenses.

9.) Montee Ball - Montee gonna ball all day.

10.) Adrian Peterson – Whackity schmackity doo!

 

WIDE RECEIVERS

1.) Pierre Garcon – Defenses will see a whole lot of Pierre derriere!

2.) Anquan Boldin – Boldinly going where no man has gone before.

3.) T.Y. Hilton – He’ll make defenders looking like Hotel 6.

4.) Dez Bryant – No longer starts his day with a big cup of dumbass.

5.) Torrey Smith – The Torreyizer will kill it.

6.) A.J. Green – The Atomic Juice definitely be a Top 10 receiver.

7.) Antonio Brown – Defenses will get tired of this Brown star.

8.) Julio Jones – Julio TDglesias! Hoo!

9.) Danny Amendola – Got a last name that sounds like a stringed instrument in an orchestra. Look at me, I’m playing the freakin’ amendola!

10.) Calvin Johnson – Still pretty good.

No go win your league.

Peace out,

The Soilost

[jerryskids 5,169]

Phew! I thought I was going to have to do my big money draft without your rankings. Thank you once again Soilost!

[[echo] 72]

u just made my draft.. ty Soilist

[Fantasy Noob 10]

Bonus points for the phrase "cornucopia of awesomeness" but I have to take some away for your wierd font in the predictions.

 

Great work, but your QB rankings made Blain Gabbert roll over in his grave...wait he's still alive...and playing? ? Nevermind you could be right.

[ralphster 274]

My year is now complete. Thanks Soloist.

[phillybear 364]

Leaping Lizards!! As always, I will jam my sweaty, meaty fist full of...cash....into the cavernous hole of an.... envelope...and send payment as fast as the Pony Expresso can get it there. I also expect shipment of my 12 cassette tapes for a penny with no obligation to ever buy another tape again. As a reminder, it was 10 copies of Linda Lavin's Greatest Hits and 2 copies of Yahoo Serious Gets Serious About The Blues.

[Mile High Magic 8]

Can I get 12 8tracks for my portable instead. Thanks for the info.

[Mike FF Today 607]

1.) Colin Kaepernick – Kaepernickus can chunk it past Uranus and beyond!

 

Off to a nice start!

[Mike FF Today 607]

5.) Chris Ivory – This kid will run through defenses like soap through a kindergartener.

 

Not even really sure what this means, but I think it's my favorite.

[phillybear 364]

 

Not even really sure what this means, but I think it's my favorite.

 

I suspect that an ex-coach from Penn St moved Chris Ivory to the top of his list.

 

Too soon?

[jerryskids 5,169]

My personal fav:

 

4.) Giovani Bernard – Had Mozart composed something about this Giovani, it would have been in the key of K – for kicking ass!

 

 

[tanatastic 2,061]

I read this guys kooky stuff every year, I even look forward to it. No peyton manning or Drew brees in the top 10 tho...

[unclemercy 51]

tell me moar!!