Anyone Here Been To Marriage Counseling?

[davebg 0]

Things have been quite rocky the past few months between me and Mrs. DaveBG.

 

We started going to counseling a couple of weeks ago, but so far we've only gone separately. This week we go together for the first time.

 

I'm just rying to get an idea as to how brutal it's going to be.

[TheNewGirl 1,020]

Aren't you the one who was recently married, and then you went on a business trip and kinda "hit it off good" with a co-worker?

 

 

Never been to counseling, never really needed to. We recognized what our issues were (we were both working nights and NEVER saw each other)...and we've also learned from past mistakes/errors with the ways that we discussed and fought about issues, and the issues that we chose to fight about...if that makes any sense...

 

Hope all goes well. Going to counseling both together and separately is a good place to start if you think that there are problems.

[fricker66 91]

Sorry, dude. I only went to pre-marriage counseling. For as much as I disagree with much of what the Catholic church does, I like their requirement of having counseling before the marriage. A weekend of counseling, if properly conducted, can really alert you to some potential issues so that you can resolve them (or learn to deal with them) prior to being married.

[parrot 789]

Nah, but the wife suggested it once.

 

Once.

[davebg 0]

Aren't you the one who was recently married, and then you went on a business trip and kinda "hit it off good" with a co-worker?

She was not a co-worker...I met her at the conference.

 

And nothing happened.

 

Nah, but the wife suggested it once.

 

Once.

Honestly, the frist two times I've gone by myself haven't been that bad. Sometimes it feels good to vent...kind of like a Phillybear "good morning geeks" rant.

 

I think that may change now that we'll be in session together.

I'm skeered.

[golden eagles 0]

We went back in November/December for a few weeks. The only thing that came out of it was what a pr!ck I am. When the counselor turned things on my wife & asked what her part in the problems were, she shut down & hasn't been back. I went a few weeks on my own to try & deal with some "anger" issues

 

We haven't been since before Christmas & its been pretty rocky since

 

It probably would've worked better for us if my wife had been willing to get her issues out in the open. If you go, make sure both parties are going to open up & actually try to make things better.

[kutulu 1,542]

yep.

[stop talking cheerleader 0]

I would consider pre-marriage counseling because I think it would be benificial for me, and because I'm skeered of divorce

[fricker66 91]

yep.

 

Did you end up in a threesome with the counselor?

[kutulu 1,542]

Did you end up in a threesome with the counselor?

 

nope.

[davebg 0]

If you go, make sure both parties are going to open up & actually try to make things better.

I will have no problem opening up...in fact, I'm looking forward to it b/c usually when me & Mrs. DaveBG argue I clam up b/c I get so angry that if I let loose I know I'll say something really nasty that will make things worse. I am hoping that having a referee will help me w/that.

 

As for trying to make things better...not sure whether I want to stick around or not just yet. Someone asked me if I wanted to fight for my marriage. I told them I don't know until I know what all the issues are and how much of a fight I'd have on my hands, but that I wasn't willing to give up w/out trying...hence the counseling.

[Brown Eyed Girl 1]

Yes.

 

I think it can be a great thing, but you've both got to want to be there and be completely honest in your sessions in order to get anything out of it.

 

When we went (4 years ago), it seemed to be doing us "some" good, but then that particular counselor stopped accepting our insurance and just like that it was either start paying $150. per session (we were going once/wk) or start new somewhere else with a new counselor. (one who did accept ins. coverage).

 

It was hard enough to get where we were with the guy we had... we didn't feel right starting from scratch with someone else. (it's also difficult to find someone you BOTH feel comfortable with).

 

Now, I can't get my husband to agree to go back. It took everything I had to get him to agree to go the first time around. (damn insurance company). I think individual counseling can be a good thing too, although I've never gone.

 

[phillybear 364]

No. But I killed an alcohol counselor once. I cut her focking head off, and was dissapointed to find out that she was not full of alcohol. How are you supposed to know that ahead of time?

[davebg 0]

Yes.

 

I think it can be a great thing, but you've both got to want to be there and be completely honest in your sessions in order to get anything out of it.

 

When we went (4 years ago), it seemed to be doing us "some" good, but then that particular counselor stopped accepting our insurance and just like that it was either start paying $150. per session (we were going once/wk) or start new somewhere else with a new counselor. (one who did accept ins. coverage).

 

It was hard enough to get where we were with the guy we had... we didn't feel right starting from scratch with someone else. (it's also difficult to find someone you BOTH feel comfortable with).

 

Now, I can't get my husband to agree to go back. It took everything I had to get him to agree to go the first time around. (damn insurance company). I think individual counseling can be a good thing too, although I've never gone.

 

So, did you guys get to resolve anything or what? One thing I am sure about is that I won't let this crap drag on forever...either things start improving or I'm off like a prom dress.

[golden eagles 0]

I will have no problem opening up...in fact, I'm looking forward to it b/c usually when me & Mrs. DaveBG argue I clam up b/c I get so angry that if I let loose I know I'll say something really nasty that will make things worse. I am hoping that having a referee will help me w/that.

 

Well, that's half the battle, make sure the other half is on that page too, trust me...

 

My problem is/was that I don't clam up, I say what I think & have to pick up the pieces. Our guy was a pretty good referee, and he was smart enough to know that there were two parties involved, but he wasn't smart enough to get anything out of her. I was willing to admit my problems & as I said, went alone for 3 weeks to deal with my part. The other half, who initiated these meetings, hasn't been willing to do that. Hence, we haven't been back.

 

I don't know what's going to happen with us, it's been a stressful view months around my house.

[davebg 0]

Well, that's half the battle, make sure the other half is on that page too, trust me...

 

My problem is/was that I don't clam up, I say what I think & have to pick up the pieces. Our guy was a pretty good referee, and he was smart enough to know that there were two parties involved, but he wasn't smart enough to get anything out of her. I was willing to admit my problems & as I said, went alone for 3 weeks to deal with my part. The other half, who initiated these meetings, hasn't been willing to do that. Hence, we haven't been back.

 

I don't know what's going to happen with us, it's been a stressful view months around my house.

Sorry to hear that...I know how it feels. When you kind of start looking forward to Mondays rather than Fridays b/c you'd rather deal w/work than your marriage you know you have a problem.

 

I know that Mrs. DaveBG has been willing to work on some of the things that have come up, but I don't think the counselor has really gotten into the nitty gritty w/her yet.

 

Once that happens the wheels may come off.

[TheNewGirl 1,020]

So, did you guys get to resolve anything or what? One thing I am sure about is that I won't let this crap drag on forever...either things start improving or I'm off like a prom dress.

 

Is she aware of this?

 

I had a couple of YOOGE blow ups in front of my husband a couple of times, and one he said, "You need to knock that ###### off...I am not putting up with it..." I really started to look at my anger management issues and what *I* needed to do.

 

Although I have never been to counseling, ITA that both parties have to be willing to work on it. If your wife isn't really willing to work on the relationship and herself, then I could totally see how it wouldn't be feasible to stay together.

 

How long have you guys been married? I thought that you'd posted on the board when you got married/honeymoon suggestions, etc...so I didn't think it was that long ago...

[fricker66 91]

When you kind of start looking forward to Mondays rather than Fridays

 

If this ever happens to me, I won't need counseling because I will have killed myself.

[davebg 0]

Is she aware of this?

 

I had a couple of YOOGE blow ups in front of my husband a couple of times, and one he said, "You need to knock that ###### off...I am not putting up with it..." I really started to look at my anger management issues and what *I* needed to do.

 

Although I have never been to counseling, ITA that both parties have to be willing to work on it. If your wife isn't really willing to work on the relationship and herself, then I could totally see how it wouldn't be feasible to stay together.

 

How long have you guys been married? I thought that you'd posted on the board when you got married/honeymoon suggestions, etc...so I didn't think it was that long ago...

We've been married for 4 yrs, but dated on and off since college (our first date was Oct 93), so it's not like this is a new relationship.

 

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing at this point. We are very opposite people and you know what they say...opposites attract. But what if that opposite attraction doesn't last? What if it's not who you love, but what you love. It just seems as if we don't have much in common anymore...like we've been growing apart.

 

As for her being willing to work on improving herself...I think she's willing, to a point (although that point may not be far enough.) The bigger question, though, is whether she can do it. She's got quite a few issues from her upbringing and relationship w/her parents (who are both crazier than a couple of sh|thouse rats.) In fact, the first time I met w/the counselor, after he had only met Mrs. DaveBG once, he mentioned that she might need to be on medication.

 

If this ever happens to me, I won't need counseling because I will have killed myself.

Believe me, when you don't have any kids together and stand to make a few hundred K that can be split if you sell the house...all of a sudden divorce becomes a bit more appealing than death.

 

But we're not quite there...yet.

[Brown Eyed Girl 1]

So, did you guys get to resolve anything or what? One thing I am sure about is that I won't let this crap drag on forever...either things start improving or I'm off like a prom dress.

 

No, unfortunately we never got far enough. I too, was more than willing to put everything out on the table, but my husband was not. There were a couple of things that he thought were too personal and asked me not to bring up and even went so far as to tell me that if I "did" bring them up while we were in there he would just get up and walk out. That right there told me he was not serious about facing and dealing with some very big issues on his end. Which is why I say to you... both of you have to want more than anything to be there, not hold back and only then will you get anything out of it.

[TheNewGirl 1,020]

We've been married for 4 yrs, but dated on and off since college (our first date was Oct 93), so it's not like this is a new relationship.

 

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing at this point. We are very opposite people and you know what they say...opposites attract. But what if that opposite attraction doesn't last? What if it's not who you love, but what you love. It just seems as if we don't have much in common anymore...like we've been growing apart.

 

As for her being willing to work on improving herself...I think she's willing, to a point (although that point may not be far enough.) The bigger question, though, is whether she can do it. She's got quite a few issues from her upbringing and relationship w/her parents (who are both crazier than a couple of sh|thouse rats.) In fact, the first time I met w/the counselor, after he had only met Mrs. DaveBG once, he mentioned that she might need to be on medication.

 

 

I see.

 

I do agree that opposites attract, as my husband and I have a lot of differences. From our hobbies/interests, to eating habits (I am a vegetarian, he's a total meat and potatoes man)...but there are things that we have in common, too. You can't ALWAYS get along with everyone, even your spouse. But I guess there is a point at which a line has to be drawn and you do have to question how long you're willing to deal with things.

 

If she wants to work on herself, she can do it. Whether that means visiting a counselor on her own, getting medication, or whatever. But she does have to want to do it herself, and you and the counselor are't going o be able to force her to do anything. While her parents might be crazy people, your wife is an adult and can make her own choices. Sure, we all have issues that we deal with from our upbringings, however, you do have to sit back and say, "Sure, my mom was a ######, but I can't blame my choices on her anymore..." if that makes any sense...

 

I really do hope that everything works out for you guys.

[davebg 0]

your wife is an adult

That is debatable.

 

One of our problems stems from how she reacts to/handles stressful situations. Something she learned from her parents.

 

Have you ever seen a hairy, 6ft 7in man in his mid 60's, wearing too-short shorts w/white sneakers and dress socks throw a hissy fit?

 

I have. It's not a pretty sight.

 

Suprisingly, it's not all that better when it's a 5ft 5in woman in her early 30's, wearing the latest from Ann Taylor Loft.

[TheNewGirl 1,020]

That is debatable.

 

One of our problems stems from how she reacts to/handles stressful situations. Something she learned from her parents.

 

Have you ever seen a hairy, 6ft 7in man in his mid 60's, wearing too-short shorts w/white sneakers and dress socks throw a hissy fit?

 

I have. It's not a pretty sight.

 

Suprisingly, it's not all that better when it's a 5ft 5in woman in her early 30's, wearing the latest from Ann Taylor Loft.

 

LOL.

 

I used to be like that too. I would throw things, end up on the floor in a crying bawling heap...yelling/screaming, so on and so forth. Not anymore. Paritally due to my husband telling me that ###### wouldn't fly with him...and partially because I realized how dumb and ridiculous I looked.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Not really. I have gone to hookers under the premise of "sex therapy", but I figure that is not really the type of thing you are talking about here.

[davebg 0]

LOL.

 

I used to be like that too. I would throw things, end up on the floor in a crying bawling heap...yelling/screaming, so on and so forth. Not anymore. Paritally due to my husband telling me that ###### wouldn't fly with him...and partially because I realized how dumb and ridiculous I looked.

Her latest has been to start the waterworks about 15-20 min after I go to bed...just as I'm getting my sleep on.

 

Then proceding to put words in my mouf like "You hate me", "You don't love me anymore", "You want a divorce."

 

My reply is usually along the lines of..."I'm not playing this focking game...I'm sleeping. But if you keep telling me how I feel when I don't even know how I feel, I can guarantee you one thing...eventually you WILL be right. Now STFU or hit the couch."

[Mungwater 588]

My sister and her husband went, and I think she went into it with the wrong attitude. I don't think that she was totally honest with the counsellor, and when my BIL went, he got totally slammed. Even though, most of their problems is that psycho's fault, and what they were recommending wasn't consistent with what the actual problems were.

 

I think if you both go in there with the mindset to work on it, you should be fine.

[davebg 0]

when my BIL went, he got totally slammed

That was my fear in initially going. Mrs. DaveBG had her first session before me, so I figured I'd walk into the office and he'd turn to me and be like "So youuuuuuure the assho|e."

 

Thankfully, it was not like that. So far the things he's told me to work on have come as no suprise.

I know, it's hard to believe, but even I'm not perfect.

[hoffdaddy 1]

Nope. My wife knows her place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which is putting me in mine.

[Mephisto 15]

Nope. My wife knows her place.

 

I'll bet that hot little blonde number with the cans still masturbates while thinking about you!

[Jeremy 0]

That is debatable.

 

One of our problems stems from how she reacts to/handles stressful situations. Something she learned from her parents.

 

Have you ever seen a hairy, 6ft 7in man in his mid 60's, wearing too-short shorts w/white sneakers and dress socks throw a hissy fit?

 

I have. It's not a pretty sight.

 

Suprisingly, it's not all that better when it's a 5ft 5in woman in her early 30's, wearing the latest from Ann Taylor Loft.

 

My wife used to do this. She rarely does anymore. It was very odd. She'd get stressed out, usually while cooking supper (she can't multi task worth a damn), and then out of the blue start throwing this 2 year old like hissy fit. She did everything but throw herself on the ground with arms and legs flailing. It was strange coming from this otherwise very intelligent, mature woman. The first time she did it, I was like, "what the hell was that?"

[davebg 0]

She'd get stressed out, usually while cooking supper (she can't multi task worth a damn

Multi-task? At least your wife can cook!

 

A couple of weeks ago Mrs. DaveBG was making toast in the toaster oven. The stoopid beeotch left a box of chocolate covered donuts on top of the toaster oven!

 

Which leads to yet another one of my complaints...namely, how an intelligent woman who makes well over >$100k being an educational consultant...who gets up and speaks infront of crowds of 800 - 1000 strangers...who makes sure she crosses her T's and dots her I's when it comes to work...can be such a focking retard when it comes to everyday life.

 

If you think the toast thing is funny, you ain't heard nuthin' yet.

 

Like when I sent her to the market for hot Italian sausage to cook on the grill. She came back w/a dried Boar's Head spicy sausage. I was like WTF is this? It's a giant Slim Jim! Does this look like something you'd want to eat for dinner?

 

Or our arrangement doing laundry. I do the laundry b/c she still doesn't get the concepts of separating or different water temps. So, she folds. Except, she folds my shirts and they are a mess...no matter how many times I try to teach her. I mean, I walk into the Gap and see the chro-mags that they have working there and they can all figure it out. I thought all you needed to learn was a SSN and an opposable thumb. Apparently I was wrong.

 

I don't think I'm asking for much, but she is no help around the house. I cook, we have a cleaning lady, I do laundry, I do all the "man" stuff. Hell, I bust my hump planting all this crap out on the patio for her every spring and I can't even get her to water the sh|t.

 

I cannot believe someone so intelligent could be so stoopid...I am left w/no other alternative but to think that she just doens't care enough to pay any attention.

[Rusty Syringes 478]

Yeah, me and my first wife went.

 

We got divorced six months later.

 

HTH.

[Rusty Syringes 478]

Multi-task? At least your wife can cook!

 

A couple of weeks ago Mrs. DaveBG was making toast in the toaster oven. The stoopid beeotch left a box of chocolate covered donuts on top of the toaster oven!

 

Which leads to yet another one of my complaints...namely, how an intelligent woman who makes well over >$100k being an educational consultant...who gets up and speaks infront of crowds of 800 - 1000 strangers...who makes sure she crosses her T's and dots her I's when it comes to work...can be such a focking retard when it comes to everyday life.

 

If you think the toast thing is funny, you ain't heard nuthin' yet.

 

Like when I sent her to the market for hot Italian sausage to cook on the grill. She came back w/a dried Boar's Head spicy sausage. I was like WTF is this? It's a giant Slim Jim! Does this look like something you'd want to eat for dinner?

 

Or our arrangement doing laundry. I do the laundry b/c she still doesn't get the concepts of separating or different water temps. So, she folds. Except, she folds my shirts and they are a mess...no matter how many times I try to teach her. I mean, I walk into the Gap and see the chro-mags that they have working there and they can all figure it out. I thought all you needed to learn was a SSN and an opposable thumb. Apparently I was wrong.

 

I don't think I'm asking for much, but she is no help around the house. I cook, we have a cleaning lady, I do laundry, I do all the "man" stuff. Hell, I bust my hump planting all this crap out on the patio for her every spring and I can't even get her to water the sh|t.

 

I cannot believe someone so intelligent could be so stoopid...I am left w/no other alternative but to think that she just doens't care enough to pay any attention.

 

All this stuff is rather trivial in my book.

 

I don't focus on that kind of petty stuff.

 

I'm simply content with the crazy things we can do in bed with her various prosthetic body parts.

[Ravens 03 0]

 

 

I highly recommend it.

 

 

 

:alsonotreally:

[hoffdaddy 1]

I'll bet that hot little blonde number with the cans still masturbates while thinking about you!

 

Well, then at least it's reciprocal.....

 

My gosh, they were huge, HUGE.

[Fervid Ro 0]

No need for counseling, my cattle prod works every time.

[jerryskids 5,172]

I can't get past the visual of TNG in shorts, white sneakers, and dark socks.

[davebg 0]

All this stuff is rather trivial in my book.

 

I don't focus on that kind of petty stuff.

 

I'm simply content with the crazy things we can do in bed with her various prosthetic body parts.

If I was getting wild, stumpy, amputee sex like you I might be able to overlook the little things.

 

Unfortunately...well...let's just say that's another area in need of MUCH improvement.

[jerryskids 5,172]

Multi-task? At least your wife can cook!

 

A couple of weeks ago Mrs. DaveBG was making toast in the toaster oven. The stoopid beeotch left a box of chocolate covered donuts on top of the toaster oven!

 

Which leads to yet another one of my complaints...namely, how an intelligent woman who makes well over >$100k being an educational consultant...who gets up and speaks infront of crowds of 800 - 1000 strangers...who makes sure she crosses her T's and dots her I's when it comes to work...can be such a focking retard when it comes to everyday life.

 

If you think the toast thing is funny, you ain't heard nuthin' yet.

 

Like when I sent her to the market for hot Italian sausage to cook on the grill. She came back w/a dried Boar's Head spicy sausage. I was like WTF is this? It's a giant Slim Jim! Does this look like something you'd want to eat for dinner?

 

Or our arrangement doing laundry. I do the laundry b/c she still doesn't get the concepts of separating or different water temps. So, she folds. Except, she folds my shirts and they are a mess...no matter how many times I try to teach her. I mean, I walk into the Gap and see the chro-mags that they have working there and they can all figure it out. I thought all you needed to learn was a SSN and an opposable thumb. Apparently I was wrong.

 

I don't think I'm asking for much, but she is no help around the house. I cook, we have a cleaning lady, I do laundry, I do all the "man" stuff. Hell, I bust my hump planting all this crap out on the patio for her every spring and I can't even get her to water the sh|t.

 

I cannot believe someone so intelligent could be so stoopid...I am left w/no other alternative but to think that she just doens't care enough to pay any attention.

 

I'm with Rusty, that's some trivial stuff right there. More importantly, you clearly view yourself as superior to her. I imagine she can tell, if I can.

[TheNewGirl 1,020]

I'm with Rusty, that's some trivial stuff right there. More importantly, you clearly view yourself as superior to her. I imagine she can tell, if I can.

 

There are a few things that my husband has problems with doing, and ITA with Rusty and Jerry that those things are trivial.

 

I also agree with Jerry that it does sound for some reason like you do think that you are superior to her...if I knew or had in inkling that my husband was out there calling me "stupid" and how can I focking not buy the right sausage, or do laundry or whatever, you bet your azz that he'd hear about it from me...that's just kinda disrespectful if you ask me...regardless if she knows you're saying these things ot not.