Enter Sandman

[TommyGavin 788]

This is funny though - origin unknown

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Dear Mr. Ulrich:

 

We have a situation here in New York that needs your urgent attention. As a longtime fan of your band Metallica, I feel it is my obligation to inform you of the controversy that is stemming from your band’s song “Enter Sandman”. I don’t know how much you follow baseball, especially New York baseball, so I’ll sum it up for you.

 

Over the winter, the Mets signed Billy Wagner as a free agent to be their new closer. For about 10 years, Wagner has been using the song “Enter Sandman” as the music that is played over the PA system when he enters the game. He did not choose the song, it was chosen for him by a teammate, but he is a fan of yours and has had great success since he started using the song.

 

The problem is, over in the Bronx, the Yankees closer Mariano Rivera uses the same song when he comes out to the mound. Again, he did not pick the song, it was chosen for him. He doesn’t particularly like the song, or your band, but because he has contributed to multiple world championships and has had tons of national exposure while using the song, “Enter Sandman” has now become synonymous with Mariano Rivera, and the tune has become every bit the institution that “Cotton-Eyed Joe” and “YMCA” has in Yankee Stadium.

 

Neither pitcher is concerned about the other one using the song. They know each other, respect each other and have no animosity toward each other. Moreover, the stadiums could probably play Gregorian chants, whale sounds, or worse yet, Yoko Ono warming up her voice, and both Rivera and Wagner would still come out and do their jobs the same way they’ve always done.

 

The fans, however, are a different story. Mets and Yankees fans are no strangers to being at each other’s throats, so a controversy like this isn’t going to make matters too much worse. For the most part, Yankee fans feel it’s sacrilegious for anyone but Rivera to use “Enter Sandman” while Mets fans think that Yankee fans are way too full of themselves, and Wagner owes nothing to the Yankees. However, on message boards, on the radio, in the media in general, the split hasn’t occurred simply across party lines.

 

Some Yankees fans are turning against their brethren and siding with Wagner, saying they don’t care if he uses the song, he had it first anyway. In turn, their peers are shunning them, and telling them that they aren’t true Yankee fans. The same goes for Mets fans siding with Rivera, arguing that you don’t come into the home of a future Hall of Fame pitcher and disrespect him like that. The amount of civil unrest is alarming, and as the scheduled Subway Series in mid-May approaches, I’m afraid that gathering the opposing factions into one stadium could prove catastrophic to life as we know it here in our metropolis.

 

I know you’re a busy man, and believe me, I wouldn’t be bothering you unless I hadn’t already exhausted all other options. I tried getting MLB commissioner Bud Selig involved, but he had some steroid thingy he said he was busy with right now. He told me as soon as he finished, he would launch an investigation as swift and thorough as the one he’s involved with now.

 

Since we don’t have five years to kill, I took the problem to Henry Kissinger, great man of diplomacy that he is. Though he sympathized with my plight, he simply told me that he’s too old to get involved in such a complicated peace-making endeavor and that I should look elsewhere for help.

 

So I wracked my brain for over an hour until it hit me. I’ll take this dilemma to the fairest, smartest, most respected judges in all the land. Unfortunately, the only thing Randy, Paula and Simon told me was that they weren’t interested in spending any more time together than they have to already. They suggested that Wagner and Rivera each sing a rendition of “Enter Sandman” and let America decide in a two-hour phone-in vote. I think that’s their answer to everything.

 

I’m at my wits end, Lars. You’re my last hope. I know you’re very protective of your copyrighted material. If there’s anything your battle with Napster taught me, it’s that you’re a man of action when it comes to defending your work. So I have this idea, which I ask you to take to fellow band members James, Kirk, and whatever bass player happens to be playing with you this week. Please, I implore you, ban both stadiums from playing “Enter Sandman”.

 

Think of it this way…every time the song is played in either stadium, millions of people are watching at home, many of them with DVRs. What’s to stop them from recording the song from the television with the DVR, transferring it from the DVR to their computers, editing down the section they need, extrapolating the audio from the video, converting it to MP3, dragging it into their I-Tunes index and then uploading it into their MP3 players? It’s like Napster all over again.

 

If you’re worried about what the fallout might be over banning the song, don’t. Rivera and Wagner won’t have any problems finding new songs to backdrop their journey from the bullpen to the pitching rubber. If they do, they can always use these suggestions. For Rivera, he can use Van Halen’s “Panama” as an ode to his home country. For Wagner, he can try “Don’t Go Messing With A Country Boy," Hillbilly Jim’s old entrance music back in the mid-1980s when the WWE was the WWF. Jim’s not using it anymore, so no one will have to worry about a new controversy.

 

Thanks for your help, Lars. See you next tour.

[kutulu 1,542]

Metallica is perparing two sue both of these pitchers as well as the Yanks, the Mets and MLB!