Deadspin, Why your team sucks Minnesota Vikings.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

This is some funny shiot.  

 

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-minnesota-vikings-1837166258

 

Some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Minnesota Vikings. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. .

Your team: Minnesota Vikings.

 

Your 2018 record: 8-7-1. This team had Super Bowl aspirations after GM Rick Spielman, who looks like a televangelist who does vanity HGH treatments, neatly rounded out a roster that had already gone to the NFC title game the year prior (although what happened in that game and its final score escape my memory). He broke the contract mold for QB Kirk Cousins. He got a bargain deal on Sheldon Richardson. He drafted Mike Hughes to spruce up an already loaded secondary. He hired John DeFilippo, fresh off an Eagles Super Bowl win, to call plays. Wherever the Vikings had a hole, Rick spieled directly into it.

It didn’t matter. The Vikings spent all of last season looking very much like an 8-7-1 team. They were banking on two interior linemen, Pat Elflein and Nick Easton, to come back perfectly unchanged after both men suffered season-ending injuries late in 2017. Easton never came back at all, suffering a NEW season-ending injury before Week 1. Elflein had such a bad season that he got fired from centering. The line, as a whole, was a stool sample for the zillionth season in a row. In fact, Football Outsiders kept track of blown blocks for their yearly almanac. Last year’s Vikings blew more blocks than any team, by far, total and per play. They never ran the ball and couldn’t when they tried.  DeFilippo got fired midseason. They got destroyed at home by BUFFALO. I watched that game and they fell behind early and I was like, “Oh well they’ll settle down and come back.” No they did NOT. When this team is losing to Buffalo, it’s right at home. The settling down has already taken place.

Head coach Mike Zimmer’s vaunted Double-A gap blitz defense got so fully exposed by Jared Goff and the Rams that Zimmer had to essentially re-engineer his own defensive philosophy so that LB Anthony Barr wouldn’t end up having to cover a wideout 60 yards downfield later in the season. Cousins fumbled the ball 537 times. They STILL couldn’t kick a field goal. They brought in Dan Bailey to replace the draft bust they originally had at kicker and Bailey went onto have his worst season as a pro. Fock me in the cleathole.

We continue. Their stud defensive end had a terrifying mental breakdown in September (don’t worry; he came back to play more football later on, which is good for the brain!). One of their star wideouts got into a shouting match with Bill Belichick and lost. Laquon Treadwell, very much not a star wideout, dropped every pass and Cousins kept targeting him anyway. Spielman eats eggs and peanut butter together, and not in some like cool Thai dish, and he puts on his shoes BEFORE putting on his pants. Hughes’s knee dissolved like a sand castle hit by a light wave.

The Vikes only beat one team with a winning record. They turned the ball over so many times, only an idiot would think it was just bad luck. Xavier Rhodes had one of his worst seasons as a professional. And, topping off their masterwork with a crown of dried turds, they controlled their own destiny going into Week 17 and BLEW IT by dropping their final game at home to a Bears team that essentially had nothing to play for.

I watched that game from a hospital bed. Yes, I am a Vikings fan, which means all of my petty jokes about all the other teams are just as hollow as my brainpan. Anyway, when I watched the Vikings piss away a Wild Card berth, I was both annoyed and relieved. I was like oh my God I almost died. Life … Life is so very precious to me now. Life MATTERS. Thank god I don’t have to spend three more hours of it watching this team play like dogshit. This team exists to disgust me.

Your coach: It’s still Mike Zimmer, who gets caught off guard in certain game situations enough times to make you realize he’s probably not gonna get any better at this. DeFilippo’s replacement is former QB coach Kevin Stefanski, but it gets weird because the team ALSO brought in former Broncos head man Gary Kubiak, along with his tag-team partner Rick Dennison. And so Stefanski will be tasked with essentially implementing Kubiak’s offense. Does this sound like a roundabout way of doing things? Welcome to Minnesota, where a dozen silently angry moms have to make two dozen silently angry phone calls just to arrange a hotdish potluck at the Protestant church.

Please keep in mind that while Kubiak does have a Super Bowl title to his credit, that ring wasn’t exactly the result of offensive showmanship. That old Broncos offense was like watching Danish C-SPAN. Kubes will replace Zimmer sometime by Christmas.

Your quarterback: Human cup of ranch dressing Kirk Cousins, who as Mina Kimes and the rest of the world have pointed out, looks like a normal dude UNTIL he tries to smile.

That’s what the Vikings offense looks like. They are EXTREMELY nervous to have the ball, at all times. HOO BOY DUNNO HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT, GANG! As someone who has shat on Kirk Cousins for the bulk of his career, I can tell you it’s not fun to be on the other side of that gag. I have, against my better judgment, gone the full homer and taken pains to defend Kirk, even to myself, when he plays his least inspired football in moments that require he summon the precise opposite. He’s got great numbers! The line is ! If you look at QB salaries since he signed, he’s actually something of a bargain! He has wonderful accuracy downfield! He’ll beat a winning team one day! All you have to do is reply LOL KIRK to me and you’ve already won the argument, and won it handily.

It’s Kirk Cousins. He could throw 50 TDs, and the fourth-rounder in him would still come out right when the Vikings are about to pull a Vikings. This guy would study tape of Tom Brady working the grand opening of a Sweetgreen and yet steadfastly refuses to work on any fumbles he says are out of his control. This team and this galactic dork deserve one another.

What’s new that sucks: Cousins’s monster contract essentially paralyzed Spielman for the 2019 season. He was able to draft center Garrett Bradbury in the first round to patch the line, but Bradbury’s promise is already undermined by the fact that his taint appears to be the source of the River Nile

Great. My team’s quarterback fumbles like Jesus told him to, and now the ball will be coated in a gallon of liquefied, unpasteurized fromunda cheese on every down. The team also extended tight end Kyle Rudolph, who catches six nice touchdowns a year and does little else. He’s a local legend now. They convinced Barr to leave the Jets at the altar and sign an extension, all so Zimmer can continue to misuse him. They fired their gay-hatin’ idiot of a special teams coach, but that’s not gonna make a difference. You can’t just fire black magic. Already, the Vikings expended another draft choice to bring in another kicker. That kicker, Kaare Vedvik, will be killed by a falling stadium panel the first time he attempts a PAT.

Mike Hughes remains on the PUP list. UFA treasure Holton Hill will start the season under suspension. How does this team have 9,000 corners and yet no corners all at once? Put my balls in a Vitamix. Bene’ Benwikere is gonna start 14 games this year. I already know it. Dalvin Cook may never be the same. I wanna move to Poland.

What has always sucked: Time for me to point out that the Vikings have the sixth highest all-time winning percentage of any NFL team. Fifteen of the top 16 teams on that particular list have won the Super Bowl. Guess which one hasn’t? I can believe that’s a statistical anomaly but, well now, I’ve talked myself into Kirk Cousins, haven’t I? I am a big gullible shithead, and the Vikings are here to draw in lumbering imbeciles such as myself with superficial victories and nothing more. They belong to Minnesota for this very reason. People from Minnesota are friendly mainly as a way of figuring out what exactly it is that they hate about you. And so it’s very easy for them, and for me, to hit it off with this team at first, and to then spend DECADES nurturing the ensuing, private resentment. I wish this team had never been born.

I enjoy my weed from time to time, as all good Americans do. And I know when my high is wearing off because, and I swear this is true, I start thinking about the Vikings when it has happened. One second my fingers and toes are tingling and I feel like I’m being lifted into the SKY. The next, I’m back to pretending I’m Zim in a preseason presser, marveling at Irv Smith displaying so much maturity as a rookie. That’s when I know I need another hit. Come January, I’ll have a new collection of shitty memories to drag my ass back down to sobriety anytime I’m feeling nicely toasted. This team is my weather. Never let it be yours.

What might not suck: In my life, the Vikings have only had a contender season (12-plus wins) when people predicted them to be average. Right now, their over/under betting line stands at nine wins, which is a bit above average. But it’s still average enough for me to forget the OTHER fact that in my life, this team only has a contender season once a decade, and that they end that season humiliated in the NFC Championship.

 

 

[NorthernVike 2,080]

Post your teams fellas. 

[dain11279 928]

I posted all these a couple years back. Magary is the best at them, hilarious content.

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-buffalo-bills-1836879288

 

 

[bostonlager 2,463]

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-cleveland-browns-1837109263

[supermike80 1,285]

I forgot about these.  Always entertaining

[Drizzay 645]

The fan comments are the best.

[patweisers44 697]

5 minutes ago, Drizzay said:

The fan comments are the best.

Comment from the Lions (they aren't even worth posting the whole article):

"F**k the Lions with Matt Patricia's pencil."

[DonS 3,067]

20 minutes ago, dain11279 said:

I posted all these a couple years back. Magary is the best at them, hilarious content.

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-buffalo-bills-1836879288

 

 

I love the reference to Genny Cream Ale. Aaahhhh sweet memories of having Genny Screamers

 

These people are ready to slowly poison themselves with Genny Cream in the parking lot and tattoo #BillsMafia on their d1cks, all to burn out the clock on an inevitably fruitless season and an even more inevitably fruitless existence.

 

 

[TimmySmith 2,782]

This is REALLY Kirk's year!   SERIOUSLY! 

 

[fandandy 3,311]

1 hour ago, patweisers44 said:

Comment from the Lions (they aren't even worth posting the whole article):

"F**k the Lions with Matt Patricia's pencil."

[sderk 1,040]

"Human cup of ranch dressing Kirk Cousins..."

I have no idea what that means but it sounds pretty damn funny.

[Frozenbeernuts 1,652]

I loath Mike Zimmer. Ruiner of talent and all around jackaloon. I'm glad he is coaching in the NFC north

[Mr. Hand 482]

This always brings a smile to my face

 

[TBayXXXVII 2,117]

They could make money on Tampa.  They could literally create an 1.5 hour movie out of it.

[edjr 5,564]

The only one for the Patriots is from last year. I think maybe they won the super bowl?

[Cdub100 3,380]

Jed:

Imagine you live in a city with all four major sports leagues. Three out of the four have been competitive in your lifetime, and even won championships. But not recently. The hockey team has been dead-last dreadful, and has only now started a rebuild, five years too late, with not enough salary cap room to buy a soda. The basketball team is stuck in the worst place a team can be in the NBA — a lower-tier playoff team — and also suffers with no salary cap room to speak of, plus an aging, injured superstar, and an owner who’d rather be buddies with players than a businessman. A 100+ loss baseball team that should’ve started the rebuild five years and hasn’t even done that, a buffoon GM who gets taken advantage of in trades, and a minor league system without a single positional player of consequence. Even the college teams are only good enough to be regional powerhouses, but will never match up to the southern teams in either sport.

Imagine living in that city, bereft of sports enjoyment with no end in sight.

NOW remember that first paragraph, and realize that, despite all their failures, somehow, THE DETROIT LIONS, a destitute tire fire of an organization, a team that would go .500 in arena football, are the best team in Detroit.

THAT is why the Lions suck.

[Cruzer 1,992]

I can't find a 2019 piece on Dallas.

Let's just say - I'll focking gladly trade Jason Garrett for a 6-pack of Big Red and some gum.

[Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt 155]

2 hours ago, TBayXXXVII said:

They could make money on Tampa.  They could literally create an 1.5 hour movie out of it.

Tampa needs the Mother of Dragons to fly in and just burn it all. Except the receivers. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,117]

6 minutes ago, Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt said:

Tampa needs the Mother of Dragons to fly in and just burn it all. Except the receivers. 

Pretty much.

[Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt 155]

Just now, TBayXXXVII said:

Pretty much.

Yep. I've been a fan since 1976. I've seen more bad football than Newbie has seen bans. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,117]

Just now, Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt said:

Yep. I've been a fan since 1976. I've seen more bad football than Newbie has seen bans. 

LOL

I wasn't born in 1976, but I've been a fan since the early 80's.

[Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt 155]

1 minute ago, TBayXXXVII said:

LOL

I wasn't born in 1976, but I've been a fan since the early 80's.

The early 80s so you weren't even 10 years old? Children shouldn't be subjected to such tramas. 

[Drizzay 645]

2 hours ago, Cruzer said:

I can't find a 2019 piece on Dallas.

Let's just say - I'll focking gladly trade Jason Garrett for a 6-pack of Big Red and some gum.

I don't think he has released it yet.  He goes in order by how they finished last year.

[TBayXXXVII 2,117]

13 minutes ago, Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt said:

The early 80s so you weren't even 10 years old? Children shouldn't be subjected to such tramas. 

LOL.  Technically, I guess mid 80's, since I was 5 years old when I went to my first Bucs game, which was in '86.  I remember that they beat the Bills that game.  It was their only home win... and second of only 2 wins all year.

Steve Young was the QB that game.  I don't remember the score though.

[Lil' Webtoed Porkbutt 155]

1 minute ago, TBayXXXVII said:

LOL.  Technically, I guess mid 80's, since I was 5 years old when I went to my first Bucs game, which was in '86.

Ouch. Well I guess that's better than starting off watching a winning team and thinking that it would always be that way. 

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

10 hours ago, edjr said:

The only one for the Patriots is from last year. I think maybe they won the super bowl?

He releases one team every weekday, from worst record to best. So pats will be last.