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cmh6476

Dilemma - with self-serving interests

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Ok, this past summer found the culmination of a year-long divorce.  I never wanted the damn thing to happen and she just got to a point "where she couldn't do it anymore" blah blah blah.  So there have been times I've been a jerk.  There have been times I've flown off the handle.  There have been times I have made her feel guilty and probably about 2 inches tall.  And I've completely been an ass to this dude that she cheated on me with several years ago (supposedly was a one-off, she cut it off to try and make things work, whatever) and now just happens to pretty much be living in her duplex and probably sees my kids just about as much as I do.  Don't get me wrong the visitation rights aren't awful, but I want my kids all the damn time, and never intended to be a part-time parent.

Anyway, I do a lot of cool sh1t with my son.  We watched the Royals clinch the ALCS in '15 against the Blue Jays.  He was with me at both Chiefs playoff games last year.  He was with me yesterday.  And even though next weekend is mom's weekend, I had mentioned to him that I'd love to take him to the game Sunday as a birthday treat which is later this month.

So as I texted his mom earlier this week to suggest that if the Titans and Chiefs would happen to win, I would like to take him.  There was some delay and then I get "we've actually talked about that game and he already has plans to go if it happens."

Fock that focking bull2h1t.  Of course I find out it's the boyfriend and my ex-FIL (who I was friends with before I married his sh1tty daughter) wanting to take my son.  I'm like no focking way.  So really kind of throwing a fit.  I revert back to the parenting plan that states if either parent should need child care for more than a 2-hour period the must first offer first right of refusal to provide such child care to the other parent.  So on the way back from the game I bring it up to my almost 13-year old boy and explain the dilemma.  That I want to share these memories with him, and could care less if mom's boyfriend wants to.  I told him that I was in his shoes, and would give anything to get time back and live out missed opportunities with my dad, and while I love my step-dad the feelings are different.  I'm tempted to reach out to my attorney and explore options if I don't get to do this.  And I know I'm a sh1thead and selfish for putting my son in the middle of it.  But am I focking wrong?

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Tickets go on sale at noon by the way :dunno:

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You're right.  You are a shithead for putting your son in the middle.  You are also right in that she is being a kunt.  However, that sometimes happens in a divorce and it sometimes really sucks. 

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Pretty cut and dry...  She has him next weekend scheduled, she wins...

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Tell him where you will be sitting and have him just walk over.

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Tough it out next week and take him to the Super Bowl if the Chiefs make it. 

 

ETA - I guess that's her weekend too. Take him to spring training. 

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Sorry to hear about all this, good luck, I doubt anything I might have to say on it would help you, I suck at these things....

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That'll suck if he has a better time with them than with you.

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32 minutes ago, posty said:

Pretty cut and dry...  She has him next weekend scheduled, she wins...

I disagree.  She has him so long as it's in her custody.  Other than that, it's up to interpretation.

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31 minutes ago, Patriotsfatboy1 said:

You're right.  You are a shithead for putting your son in the middle.  

You should have stopped here.  This is enough.  The kid didn't ask for any of this, making him feel guilty is a d1ck move.  Sorry, CMH, I know you just want the best for him, but it's a different world now.  Tell him he can go and to enjoy himself.  

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30 minutes ago, Patriotsfatboy1 said:

You're right.  You are a shithead for putting your son in the middle.  You are also right in that she is being a kunt.  However, that sometimes happens in a divorce and it sometimes really sucks. 

This.

 

 Being in this exact same situation all I can tell you is knock it off with the boyfriend. It's not his fault.  He could be anyone. He is just the result of your wife's actions.

 Secondly and I know this is hard but you have to have a conversation with the eX and get on good terms. And I mean I literally told my ex listen I'm going to be nice to you either way so it's your choice how you want to handle things. And I mean it was bad. Like call the cops on her, her attacking me, her just taking my daughter unannounced type crap.

 You can't get into use little power struggles and have your kid in the middle.  It's almost like being in another relationship you have to work at and cultivate. And if you can do it you can start getting away with asking for time or switching days to do things like this... I'm not going to tell you that is going to work but going at it I certainly won't.

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I get why you’re upset but you’re wrong for putting this on your 13 y/o boy. Complaining about his mom is going to lower your ex and you in his estimation. If you aren’t seeing a therapist to work through your anger and resentment you should think about finding one for your son’s sake.

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2 minutes ago, cyclone24 said:

 Being in this exact same situation

:huh:  Spill.  I thought you were married to a doctor.  What happened?

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1 minute ago, TimmySmith said:

You should have stopped here.  This is enough.  The kid didn't ask for any of this, making him feel guilty is a d1ck move.  Sorry, CMH, I know you just want the best for him, but it's a different world now.  Tell him he can go and to enjoy himself.  

I have a different opinion on this than most people.  I know psychologists will tell you, and so will wimmen who leave men because they are unhappy that children should be protected and not put in the middle of the divorce.  My dad never did a good job at this, but looking back now I respect him more for standing up for himself because he got focked over too.  I'm not saying everything needs to run through the kids, and obviously using them as pawns is not acceptable.  But explaining to him that I want to take him, just as I have with just about every other Chiefs playoff game, and how I feel that I've been screwed over like most dads do with custody and child support, and that if anything we should have tried harder to work through issues and challenges and I shouldn't have to miss a chance for the Chiefs to hoist the Lamar Hunt trophy because of decisions I couldn't control is a problem?  The kid is smart as hell, just took the ACT as a 7th grader and got a 21 for a competition he is going to.  Perhaps it's not fair, but life isn't fair.  And my kids are smart enough to understand what's happening and make decisions for themselves.

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I don't have any advice to give. Just wanted to say that the situation sucks and I feel for you, man. 

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38 minutes ago, Patriotsfatboy1 said:

You're right.  You are a shithead for putting your son in the middle.  You are also right in that she is being a kunt.  However, that sometimes happens in a divorce and it sometimes really sucks. 

This.   What did your kid say when you told him about it?

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3 minutes ago, MDC said:

I get why you’re upset but you’re wrong for putting this on your 13 y/o boy. Complaining about his mom is going to lower your ex and you in his estimation. If you aren’t seeing a therapist to work through your anger and resentment you should think about finding one for your son’s sake.

I do appreciate what you guys are saying.

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4 minutes ago, cyclone24 said:

 Being in this exact same situation all I can tell you is knock it off with the boyfriend. It's not his fault.  He could be anyone. He is just the result of your wife's actions.

 

 

Bullsh*t.  He cheated with the wife.  If he had come in to the picture after the divorce and only after the divorce you're have a point.  But he is PART OF the divorce.  Look, I've slept with a married chick, although she was separated so it was kind of a gray area.  But I'd never expect the husband to be cool to me.

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1 minute ago, cmh6476 said:

I have a different opinion on this than most people.  I know psychologists will tell you, and so will wimmen who leave men because they are unhappy that children should be protected and not put in the middle of the divorce.  My dad never did a good job at this, but looking back now I respect him more for standing up for himself because he got focked over too.  I'm not saying everything needs to run through the kids, and obviously using them as pawns is not acceptable.  But explaining to him that I want to take him, just as I have with just about every other Chiefs playoff game, and how I feel that I've been screwed over like most dads do with custody and child support, and that if anything we should have tried harder to work through issues and challenges and I shouldn't have to miss a chance for the Chiefs to hoist the Lamar Hunt trophy because of decisions I couldn't control is a problem?  The kid is smart as hell, just took the ACT as a 7th grader and got a 21 for a competition he is going to.  Perhaps it's not fair, but life isn't fair.  And my kids are smart enough to understand what's happening and make decisions for themselves.

Being frank and honest with your son is exactly what you want to do, but your ex said that he had plans already.  That is the end of it.  What you are trying to do is get him to voice his opinion and you absolutely do not want to do that. 

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1 minute ago, Strike said:

This.   What did your kid say when you told him about it?

It was uncomfortable.  And I told him I get it, and that he should be excited to want to go to the game, no matter who it's with.  But I simply explained that these are experiences we should share as a father and son, and if the Chiefs were to win the title there isn't anyone else in the world I would want to be sitting by my side other than him.  After a couple minutes I explained that I'm sorry for putting him in the middle of stuff but I want him to know how I feel and that I would drop it for the rest of the night.  His response was "yeah, it sucks for me too."

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Some good advice here...nothing I can add that hasnt already been said.

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1 minute ago, Strike said:

Bullsh*t.  He cheated with the wife.  If he had come in to the picture after the divorce and only after the divorce you're have a point.  But he is PART OF the divorce.  Look, I've slept with a married chick, although she was separated so it was kind of a gray area.  But I'd never expect the husband to be cool to me.

The boyfriend isn't the one that took a vow.  I don't understand people that get upset at the person their spouse cheated with.  

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Just now, cmh6476 said:

It was uncomfortable.  And I told him I get it, and that he should be excited to want to go to the game, no matter who it's with.  But I simply explained that these are experiences we should share as a father and son, and if the Chiefs were to win the title there isn't anyone else in the world I would want to be sitting by my side other than him.  After a couple minutes I explained that I'm sorry for putting him in the middle of stuff but I want him to know how I feel and that I would drop it for the rest of the night.  His response was "yeah, it sucks for me too."

What is your kid's relationship with new dad like?  Sorry, just kidding about the new dad ;).  But does your kid have a good relationship with this guy or is he being forced to spend time with him?

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1 minute ago, Bert said:

The boyfriend isn't the one that took a vow.  I don't understand people that get upset at the person their spouse cheated with.  

Of course he didn't.  I'm just saying expecting someone to be cool to someone who slept with their SO is bullsh*t.  Why should CMH be cool to this dude? 

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1 minute ago, Strike said:

What is your kid's relationship with new dad like?  Sorry, just kidding about the new dad ;).  But does your kid have a good relationship with this guy or is he being forced to spend time with him?

All the kids like him and whatnot.  I just can't get past it.  The dude's a d0uche and as much as I want to forgive my ex someday, I really have no intention of trying to forgive this dude.  Screw him.

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It sucks for sure but it is his grandpa whose taking him. He'll want to have some memories with him too and he has less time to make those memories with him than he does with you. New guy should butt out and let the two of them go. Whatever you decide to do, just know that your kid will remember how you handle it. Be the bigger person. Let him know that you're disappointed that you can't be there with him this time but you want him to go and have fun.

As somebody else suggested earlier, let him know where you'll be sitting. Maybe he can sit with you for a quarter or a half. I mean, it's his weekend with his mom, not his mom's bf. If she's not going to be spending that time with him, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to if you're both at the game. He's 13? That's old enough for him to say, "hey grandpa, I'm going to go sit with my dad for a little bit. I'll be back by the start of the 3rd quarter." Or whatever time they agree to. 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Try to find some sort of compromise. That will reflect better on you than getting your attorney involved and might make things easier in the long run. You're going to have to deal with sh!t for 5 more years. Don't fock yourself over right out of the gate. 

My .02 fwiw 

 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Strike said:

Of course he didn't.  I'm just saying expecting someone to be cool to someone who slept with their SO is bullsh*t.  Why should CMH be cool to this dude? 

You don't have to be cool with him but he shouldn't hate him because is ex is a cheating .

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1 minute ago, cmh6476 said:

All the kids like him and whatnot.  I just can't get past it.  The dude's a d0uche and as much as I want to forgive my ex someday, I really have no intention of trying to forgive this dude.  Screw him.

Gotcha.  Personally, I feel you.  Considering the Chiefs have been pretty much irrelevant as far as the postseason goes since like SB 3 or something, this is a special season and quite honestly I think your ex is being a kunt for even putting you in this situation.  She should prioritize your time with the kid over her new beau, and should have anticipated that you'd want to do this.  So, while I agree with everyone here that putting the kid in the middle sucks, I do understand things from your perspective.

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1 minute ago, Strike said:

Of course he didn't.  I'm just saying expecting someone to be cool to someone who slept with their SO is bullsh*t.  Why should CMH be cool to this dude? 

I've been the opposite of cool to this dude.  Was leaving a bar by myself last year after going to a bday party and saw him hop out of a vehicle with 5 other people and after realizing it was him I tried to cheapshot him.  He dodged the punch and it was probably good I didn't get him but also regret not doing just that.  Was at the ER with a kid a couple months ago and she asked to talk to the d-bag.  She asked me if that made me mad and I think she was just trying to illicit a response because she was frustrated with me.  I was cool to her about it, told her I would go get him and when I went out to where the ex and him and the ex-in-laws were I announced "you're turn d0uchebag".

And I mean I tried to be friends with the guy before as he worked with my ex and we would occasionally hang out, but always thought he was kind of a self-centered jerk.  Turn your focking back on me though and then not ever really apologize about it.  Yeah, fock you.

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4 minutes ago, Bert said:

The boyfriend isn't the one that took a vow.  I don't understand people that get upset at the person their spouse cheated with.  

Unless the wife lied to the boyfriend about being married then the dude she cheated with is a POS as well. He knew full well what he was doing, even if it wasn't technically breaking a "vow".

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Just now, Bert said:

You don't have to be cool with him but he shouldn't hate him because is ex is a cheating .

People hate other people all the time, for various reasons.  If he chooses to hate this douche I won't hold it against him.

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8 minutes ago, cmh6476 said:

I do appreciate what you guys are saying.

I haven’t been divorced but I can imagine co-parenting is really hard especially if there are bad feelings toward the ex- and a new partner involved. I bet it’s real easy to lose your temper in that situation.

Sounds like you’re really committed to your boy. I hope you get some help in managing your emotions and dealing with your ex-. You know that’s what’s best for your son.

Good luck man. :cheers: 

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2 minutes ago, DonS said:

Unless the wife lied to the boyfriend about being married then the dude she cheated with is a POS as well. He knew full well what he was doing, even if it wasn't technically breaking a "vow".

they were both married and knew each other's spouses.  My wife considered his ex a friend in the same sense I guess me and the d-bag were.

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The boyfriend should back off. Let the kid go with his father. If he can’t see why then he’s a huge POS 

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Really shitty situation but it's probably best for your son to form a relationship with the guy he's going to have to live with at least half the time.

 

Besides, you'll want him to associate this Chiefs loss with the dirtbag, not you!

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Just now, Hardcore troubadour said:

The boyfriend should back off. Let the kid go with his father. If he can’t see why then he’s a huge POS 

I agree with this as well. 

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3 minutes ago, cmh6476 said:

they were both married and knew each other's spouses.  My wife considered his ex a friend in the same sense I guess me and the d-bag were.

That's different.  If he cheated on his wife he is a POS and should be despised.  

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2 minutes ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

The boyfriend should back off. Let the kid go with his father. If he can’t see why then he’s a huge POS 

I agree but  the grandfather is also involved.  It's an f'd up situation.  

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3 minutes ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

The boyfriend should back off. Let the kid go with his father. If he can’t see why then he’s a huge POS 

he has no kids.  It really explains a lot to me.

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