Manage my divorce

[IGotWorms 3,300]

Hello again, Geeks!  It’s been a while.

To the likely surprise of no one, the missus recently filed for divorce. Apparently she considers me a bit of an arsehole. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s boffing some dude from her work but that’s beside the matter.

No bloodsucking lawyers yet and we’re hoping to keep it that way. Or at least I am and she professes the same. Seems to be general agreement on custody (split), property etc.

One main hang up is the house. We could probably each independent qualify for a mortgage refi in our own name. Would be a little stretch on the budget for her, probably well within reason for me.

She wants it owing mostly to one neighbor for whom I don’t really care. They do have kids that are the same age as ours and that like to play together a lot.

I like the house and it’s where the kids are comfortable and what they consider home, so I’m a little reluctant to give it up.

On the other hand, there are lots of houses. Person who doesn’t get the house will instead get a big wad of cash as buyout on the equity. That wad of cash could represent a down payment on another house that could actually be a bit more expensive than this one (if 20% down). Or could use it to pay off debts and for down payment on a smaller house or what have you. Obviously the liquid funds give you a lot of flexibility, but then you’ve got to move and start over (maybe not so bad after adjustment).

If I were buying a new house it’d probably be about 300-500 square feet less owing to one less person and being by myself half the time. I’d probably also go with a smaller backyard for maintenance and water conservation reasons. Also the house might ideally have a slightly different floor plan with a little more separation in the bedrooms for when the kids are older, though they’re still pretty young so that would be a delicate balance for the time being.

Otherwise house is pretty much exactly what I’d want. We built it, picked the lot and house plan and finishes. There were some compromises made for the (soon to be ex) wife, of course, but by and large it’s almost exactly what I would’ve selected myself. It was a bit of a pain in the ass for a few years while the landscaping came in and such, but it’s come into its own pretty well at this point. Major benefit is the view, which is pretty darn good although not quite spectacular. A good view is important to me. Also the neighbors are not up on our ass which I really like.

Though I don’t care a great deal for the one next door neighbor, as I mentioned, and the other is an ex-pig who got himself in a big spot of trouble and may be heading to the big house. A coming foreclosure next door might not shock me in the coming months. So certainly less than ideal situation there but I’ve also never really given much thought to who my neighbors are.

Other big question is her pension. She has the better retirement due to working for government. I may eventually catch up or maybe not. As I understand I could have a pro rata 1/2 interest in her eventual pension benefit, or I think it could be reduced to present value with her buying me out of that.

So questions: 1) do I want the house or the cash; and 2) do I stick to my guns on the pension?

Would look forward to hearing the perspective of any other Geeks who have been through the process and what I might want to consider in any respect, and then of course you’re also free to pile on with of course no one could ever live with my difficult ass etc.

[Fireballer 2,369]

Damn that sucks.  Welcome back

[Hardcore troubadour 12,588]

5 minutes ago, IGotWorms said:

Hello again, Geeks!  It’s been a while.

To the likely surprise of no one, the missus recently filed for divorce. Apparently she considers me a bit of an arsehole. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s boffing some dude from her work but that’s beside the matter.

No bloodsucking lawyers yet and we’re hoping to keep it that way. Or at least I am and she professes the same. Seems to be general agreement on custody (split), property etc.

One main hang up is the house. We could probably each independent qualify for a mortgage refi in our own name. Would be a little stretch on the budget for her, probably well within reason for me.

She wants it owing mostly to one neighbor for whom I don’t really care. They do have kids that are the same age as ours and that like to play together a lot.

I like the house and it’s where the kids are comfortable and what they consider home, so I’m a little reluctant to give it up.

On the other hand, there are lots of houses. Person who doesn’t get the house will instead get a big wad of cash as buyout on the equity. That wad of cash could represent a down payment on another house that could actually be a bit more expensive than this one (if 20% down). Or could use it to pay off debts and for down payment on a smaller house or what have you. Obviously the liquid funds give you a lot of flexibility, but then you’ve got to move and start over (maybe not so bad after adjustment).

If I were buying a new house it’d probably be about 300-500 square feet less owing to one less person and being by myself half the time. I’d probably also go with a smaller backyard for maintenance and water conservation reasons. Also the house might ideally have a slightly different floor plan with a little more separation in the bedrooms for when the kids are older, though they’re still pretty young so that would be a delicate balance for the time being.

Otherwise house is pretty much exactly what I’d want. We built it, picked the lot and house plan and finishes. There were some compromises made for the (soon to be ex) wife, of course, but by and large it’s almost exactly what I would’ve selected myself. It was a bit of a pain in the ass for a few years while the landscaping came in and such, but it’s come into its own pretty well at this point. Major benefit is the view, which is pretty darn good although not quite spectacular. A good view is important to me. Also the neighbors are not up on our ass which I really like.

Though I don’t care a great deal for the one next door neighbor, as I mentioned, and the other is an ex-pig who got himself in a big spot of trouble and may be heading to the big house. A coming foreclosure next door might not shock me in the coming months. So certainly less than ideal situation there but I’ve also never really given much thought to who my neighbors are.

Other big question is her pension. She has the better retirement due to working for government. I may eventually catch up or maybe not. As I understand I could have a pro rata 1/2 interest in her eventual pension benefit, or I think it could be reduced to present value with her buying me out of that.

So questions: 1) do I want the house or the cash; and 2) do I stick to my guns on the pension?

Would look forward to hearing the perspective of any other Geeks who have been through the process and what I might want to consider in any respect, and then of course you’re also free to pile on with of course no one could ever live with my difficult ass etc.

So you call cops pigs now. Cool.  

[5-Points 2,715]

Let her have the house in exchange for no alimony and shared custody. 

Find a smaller place in a nearby college town and bang all the hot young tail you can when you don't have your kids. 

Whatever you do, be a stand up guy that your kids can respect. These things often start out amicably but can turn on a dime. Don't be the doosh we all know and love, be better than that. 

Also, post all of the nudes you've taken of her over the years. It's the least you can do.

 

 

 

 

 

Also also,  sorry, man. 

 

[Strike 3,947]

You don't want her pension.  Do you really want to have to be chasing her about it 30 years from now?  Just find a reasonable sum you can agree on and take a lump sum, and invest it.  It's free money that will grow for the next 30 years.  My former company where I have about 10 years of pension keeps trying to get me to do that, but they keep lowballing me on the value so I've turned them down.  But I'm much closer to retirement than you are and I keep hoping they'll eventually offer me a more reasonable offer which I would gladly take.

Doesn't sound like you're a good fit for the current house so I'd let her have it if she wants it.  Then you get to find the one that fits you better as a single guy.

[Old School 360]

My divorce was final just before the plague hit. The separation drug far too long, partly because we unsuccessfully attempted counseling, and partly because my ex wanted the house. I thought about making concessions on the division of assets so she could afford to keep it. My attorney questioned my sanity and just said “the house needs to be sold. You don’t want it and she can’t afford it.”
Once we agreed to sell the house, things went much faster.

As for pensions- IDK as we had retirement plans and not pensions. I basically wrote a check (actually a transfer) to make it a 50/50 split of the value of the combined retirement plans.

[Mookz 1,287]

No advice as I've barely even been on a date, but welcome back.  

There's a geek here by the name of tj booker that may have some good pointers for you.  

[IGotWorms 3,300]

9 minutes ago, Mookz said:

No advice as I've barely even been on a date, but welcome back.  

There's a geek here by the name of tj booker that may have some good pointers for you.  

I’ll eat a gun if I end up like tj  

[IGotWorms 3,300]

14 minutes ago, Strike said:

You don't want her pension.  Do you really want to have to be chasing her about it 30 years from now?  Just find a reasonable sum you can agree on and take a lump sum, and invest it.  It's free money that will grow for the next 30 years.  My former company where I have about 10 years of pension keeps trying to get me to do that, but they keep lowballing me on the value so I've turned them down.  But I'm much closer to retirement than you are and I keep hoping they'll eventually offer me a more reasonable offer which I would gladly take.

Doesn't sound like you're a good fit for the current house so I'd let her have it if she wants it.  Then you get to find the one that fits you better as a single guy.

As I understand the payment would automatically come my way, though maybe she could try to wait me out on retirement or something. But point taken and that tended to be my line of thinking as well

[Bier Meister 1,512]

Sorry to hear.  My best to you.

1) Sell and split may be most equitable.  I might want my kids growing up in the house they know.... so buy out and have flexibility

2)  I am not certain how her pension works.  Does she allocate a percentage? if so, and you make more (are paying off more bills, etc)... your earning power has enabled her to allocate more into her pension, so in that scenario I believe you have a claim to part of it should you choose to go in that direction.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

This is a tough one as it has several angles to consider. Let me ask a question first:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can size???!!!!????!!!

[drobeski 3,061]

47 minutes ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

So you call cops pigs now. Cool.  

He already did.

[MTSkiBum 1,593]

Sorry to hear. I hope it works out.

[IGotWorms 3,300]

13 minutes ago, Patriotsfatboy1 said:

This is a tough one as it has several angles to consider. Let me ask a question first:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can size???!!!!????!!!

She’s hot. Definitely her finest quality.

[Alias Detective 1,179]

It’s about the kids.  All of it.  Every decision should be based on what is in the best interest of the kids.

[tanatastic 2,061]

No lawyers? That’s a trap to get YOU to lapse on representation. She is probably right now in a war room with an army of legal reps planning your complete and utter destruction. If she isn’t, one convo with a friend or coworker and that changes. “Oh you aren’t getting this and that? Call my lawyer, he will get you literally his spleen in a paper bag.”

[IGotWorms 3,300]

7 minutes ago, Alias Detective said:

It’s about the kids.  All of it.  Every decision should be based on what is in the best interest of the kids.

50/50 custody I can’t see where that really makes a huge difference here. It’s a nice neighborhood so I do think one of us should keep the house if possible

[Old School 360]

3 minutes ago, tanatastic said:

No lawyers? That’s a trap to get YOU to lapse on representation. She is probably right now in a war room with an army of legal reps planning your complete and utter destruction. If she isn’t, one convo with a friend or coworker and that changes. “Oh you aren’t getting this and that? Call my lawyer, he will get you literally his spleen in a paper bag.”

This. It doesn’t have to be too confrontational- but  3k or 5k retainer with a good attorney will help answer questions and keep your best interests in mind during the process.

[Alias Detective 1,179]

Just now, IGotWorms said:

50/50 custody I can’t see where that really makes a huge difference here. It’s a nice neighborhood so I do think one of us should keep the house if possible

Correct.  You finding a new place allowing your wife to have an established home and a good neighbor for the kids seems best to me.

[IGotWorms 3,300]

9 minutes ago, Alias Detective said:

Correct.  You finding a new place allowing your wife to have an established home and a good neighbor for the kids seems best to me.

You’ve lost me there. Only difference between her and I being in the home is the neighbor kids but a) it’s not like I’m going to prohibit their playing together and b) people move, kids grow up etc. Seems like an awfully speculative reason to make a permanent decision.

[Alias Detective 1,179]

2 minutes ago, IGotWorms said:

You’ve lost me there. Only difference between her and I being in the home is the neighbor kids but a) it’s not like I’m going to prohibit their playing together and b) people move, kids grow up etc. Seems like an awfully speculative reason to make a permanent decision.

I see why your getting divorced.  You start a thread “Manage my divorce”. I reply and you argue.  Go be alone you crotchety Fock.

[t.j. booker 206]

Mine went smooth. I gave Gloria the house cause she wanted it and had the kid. Not my kid but still a kid and you need a house if you have one. We split my 401(k) and I paid for the arbitrator but I got a great deal cause it was a guy Gloria knew from college. She kept the Audi but I’ll be done making payments next year. She got to keep all our furniture and friends. 

All I got was the clap and a 1-room apartment.  

[IGotWorms 3,300]

12 minutes ago, Alias Detective said:

I see why your getting divorced.  You start a thread “Manage my divorce”. I reply and you argue.  Go be alone you crotchety Fock.

Oh sorry, I see you’ve misunderstood the purpose of this forum.

It’s for dialogue. You type something and perhaps I respond.

Others may even jump in with their own two cents.

Opinions can differ and, indeed, some might say it actually leads to further dialogue.

HTH

[MDC 5,877]

Sorry to hear it went South for you buddy. I’m sure being divorced will be preferable to a bad marriage. 

 

[Casual Observer 597]

2 hours ago, IGotWorms said:

Hello again, Geeks!  It’s been a while.

To the likely surprise of no one, the missus recently filed for divorce. Apparently she considers me a bit of an arsehole. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s boffing some dude from her work but that’s beside the matter.

No bloodsucking lawyers yet and we’re hoping to keep it that way. Or at least I am and she professes the same. Seems to be general agreement on custody (split), property etc.

One main hang up is the house. We could probably each independent qualify for a mortgage refi in our own name. Would be a little stretch on the budget for her, probably well within reason for me.

She wants it owing mostly to one neighbor for whom I don’t really care. They do have kids that are the same age as ours and that like to play together a lot.

I like the house and it’s where the kids are comfortable and what they consider home, so I’m a little reluctant to give it up.

On the other hand, there are lots of houses. Person who doesn’t get the house will instead get a big wad of cash as buyout on the equity. That wad of cash could represent a down payment on another house that could actually be a bit more expensive than this one (if 20% down). Or could use it to pay off debts and for down payment on a smaller house or what have you. Obviously the liquid funds give you a lot of flexibility, but then you’ve got to move and start over (maybe not so bad after adjustment).

If I were buying a new house it’d probably be about 300-500 square feet less owing to one less person and being by myself half the time. I’d probably also go with a smaller backyard for maintenance and water conservation reasons. Also the house might ideally have a slightly different floor plan with a little more separation in the bedrooms for when the kids are older, though they’re still pretty young so that would be a delicate balance for the time being.

Otherwise house is pretty much exactly what I’d want. We built it, picked the lot and house plan and finishes. There were some compromises made for the (soon to be ex) wife, of course, but by and large it’s almost exactly what I would’ve selected myself. It was a bit of a pain in the ass for a few years while the landscaping came in and such, but it’s come into its own pretty well at this point. Major benefit is the view, which is pretty darn good although not quite spectacular. A good view is important to me. Also the neighbors are not up on our ass which I really like.

Though I don’t care a great deal for the one next door neighbor, as I mentioned, and the other is an ex-pig who got himself in a big spot of trouble and may be heading to the big house. A coming foreclosure next door might not shock me in the coming months. So certainly less than ideal situation there but I’ve also never really given much thought to who my neighbors are.

Other big question is her pension. She has the better retirement due to working for government. I may eventually catch up or maybe not. As I understand I could have a pro rata 1/2 interest in her eventual pension benefit, or I think it could be reduced to present value with her buying me out of that.

So questions: 1) do I want the house or the cash; and 2) do I stick to my guns on the pension?

Would look forward to hearing the perspective of any other Geeks who have been through the process and what I might want to consider in any respect, and then of course you’re also free to pile on with of course no one could ever live with my difficult ass etc.

C-U-C-K-E-D.  Anyway, here's a Keystone Light to unpucker your bitter beer face, Little Buddy.

[fandandy 3,311]

Sorry to hear.  Good luck.  

[Bert 1,087]

Sorry to hear.  My divorce 5 years ago was one of the best things to happen to me.  I would let her have the house and take the money.  It sounds like the kid thing won’t be an issue which is awesome for you.  Good luck and be careful.  Mine started without lawyers and the ex started getting a little crazy aggressive. Once I lawyered up it went smoothly.  

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

2 hours ago, tanatastic said:

No lawyers? That’s a trap to get YOU to lapse on representation. She is probably right now in a war room with an army of legal reps planning your complete and utter destruction. If she isn’t, one convo with a friend or coworker and that changes. “Oh you aren’t getting this and that? Call my lawyer, he will get you literally his spleen in a paper bag.”

Yes. Absolutely get a lawyer. Immediately. 

[scott4507 2]

Did all of this in 2005.  Sorry you are going through this. 

Your relationship with your children is most important.  Everything else is just stuff.  You'll get more stuff.  Avoid the cliché of buying sportscars, etc. 

Work for an equal split amongst the assets.  Work, but don't brawl for it.  Give and take.

If she wants the house, let her have it for the kids.  You'll get cash and you'll look better later in the family and in court.  She probably regret it later when she actually has to do maintenance and upkeep.  That's her problem.  Go get something new but close enough that kid visits are not a ordeal. 

Keep it civil.  Never say anything negative about your ex in front of the kids, NO MATTER WHAT.   Realize that you can only control your actions.  She may be nice. She get may get stupid. She may get mean.   She may post on social media with pics in Barbados with Sancho.   Don't get caught up in her BS.

No matter how much money, property is involved, you'll look back one day soon and realize it was worth it to get your life back.   It's your life.   Find someone who treats you right all the time. 

Also: Stay off social media with partying pictures, chicks with big cans etc.  Save that for us....!

 

 

 

 

[Reality 2,710]

4 minutes ago, titans&bucs&bearsohmy! said:

Yes. Absolutely get a lawyer. Immediately. 

Right.... This 'lawyer' thinks it's a good idea not to get a lawyer... Lord.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

1 minute ago, Reality said:

Right.... This 'lawyer' thinks it's a good idea not to get a lawyer... Lord.

Especially if he is a lawyer. Leaves him open to her claiming "oh, I'm unsophisticated, he used his lawyer mind tricks to take advantage of me" later. 

[IGotWorms 3,300]

Surprised so many of you urge lawyering up. Divorce lawyers only make money if there’s a dispute. Why would I want to create one just to hand tens of thousands to lawyers?

[naomi 343]

No experience here but I like scott4507's reply. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this worms. 

Sidenote on the lawyer up thought: I won't advise either way there, just want to say I don't think it's woman-nature to always seek to put the screws to the guy. I do understand the wisdom of not necessarily trusting sentiment at the outset to last though.

Wishing you the best.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

14 minutes ago, IGotWorms said:

Surprised so many of you urge lawyering up. Divorce lawyers only make money if there’s a dispute. Why would I want to create one just to hand tens of thousands to lawyers?

Because the entire point is to create a lasting peace. One that lasts until your kid is grown.

Often times, early in the divorce process, things are amicable. Both sides just want to move on, there are still feelings there, etc. It often turns to hatred later. 

Ive seen so many people do their own divorce, then years after the fact, one party or the other feels cheated and hires a lawyer to try to re do it all.

Just do it all right the first time.

Especially since you are a lawyer, what's the plan? She doesn't have one, you draft all the documents? The MDA, the custody plan, the decree? 

Gonna make it real easy for her to come in later and say she got screwed. He's a lawyer and I'm just a girl, etc. Especially when new husband is encouraging her to tear off a piece of your ass. 

At the very least go have a consultation with one, just so she can't do it and block you later. I'd also strongly encourage you to encourage she get one. 

[vuduchile 1,940]

23 minutes ago, IGotWorms said:

Surprised so many of you urge lawyering up. Divorce lawyers only make money if there’s a dispute. Why would I want to create one just to hand tens of thousands to lawyers?

Don’t you have a lawyer buddy who can represent you for a couple of beers?  

[scott4507 2]

Yeah, lawyer up.  Lawyer up for all  of things said in the last few posts.   My divorce was amicable most of the time and we had almost everything sorted before court.  

But you do need someone qualified to look after your interests during the divorce.  You never really know.   People get stupid when $$$ is involved. 

Mine was nowhere near $10K, much lower. 

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

30 minutes ago, scott4507 said:

Yeah, lawyer up.  Lawyer up for all  of things said in the last few posts.   My divorce was amicable most of the time and we had almost everything sorted before court.  

But you do need someone qualified to look after your interests during the divorce.  You never really know.   People get stupid when $$$ is involved. 

Mine was nowhere near $10K, much lower. 

Mine was $350 plus filing fees, but the lawyer was an old friend, we had no kids, and didn't own anything to fight about anyway.

I could have just written the mda and decree myself, but I was moving to China within a month, and needed someone there three months down the road when it came up in court to go final. 

Got the email from my lawyer with the signed decree while I was in bed naked with a chick 18 years younger than my ex wife. Good times. 

[Gladiators 1,903]

12 minutes ago, titans&bucs&bearsohmy! said:

Mine was $350 plus filing fees, but the lawyer was an old friend, we had no kids, and didn't own anything to fight about anyway.

I could have just written the mda and decree myself, but I was moving to China within a month, and needed someone there three months down the road when it came up in court to go final. 

Got the email from my lawyer with the signed decree while I was in bed naked with a chick 18 years younger than my ex wife. Good times. 

That is reason enough to pony up the $350.

Sorry to hear Worms.  Good luck.

[Voltaire 4,554]

Good to see you are back worms, crazy times going on right now with everyone at the end of their wits it's worse than usual, but I hope you stick for more than this thread.

As for the divorce, I really don't have any advice other than you're likely to be happier on the other side of it.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

2 minutes ago, Voltaire said:

Good to see you are back worms, crazy times going on right now with everyone at the end of their wits it's worse than usual, but I hope you stick for more than this thread.

As for the divorce, I really don't have any advice other than you're likely to be happier on the other side of it.

Agreed, good to have you back worms.

And yeah, hence the old saw... Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

I don't recall how old you are, but after the divorce, go out there for a year and just be a complete focking pig. I did, and it was a lot of fun. Gets old fast though. Glad I met a good one after that.

My only regret is that I didn't go to bangkok BEFORE I met the wife. That would have been fun.