The Soilost 28 Posted September 3, 2020 The patented software used to make my league-winning picks over the years has incorporated everything from fan noise and hurricanes to family background and field types. But nothing presented a challenge like factoring in a pandemic, complicated virology, changes in season preparations, player blood types, the altered schedule and where and how many fans will fill stadium seats. The work on upgraded software began long before the first U.S. COVID-19 case. Not long after the disease's discovery in December 2019, I flew to Wuhan, China, to study the virus and its effects on humans. My work took on an almost spy-like method of operation as I skillfully dodged Chinese authorities and even went so far as disguising myself as a hospital worker to get a closer look at COVID patients. I got out before Trump's travel ban in February, hiding in a barrel on a fishing boat bound for Vietnam, but not before the collection of data harvested 20 hours a day, seven days a week, for more than a month. That's right, folks, I did this for you, my loyal followers who have been dominating your leagues for years thanks to my expertise. So here you have it, the 2020 Soilost rankings: QBs 1.) Josh Allen - Oh, by Josh, by golly. It's time for pigskin and holly. Running guys and cheerleader thighs. And folks spreading a disease or two. As they whisper, "The NFL is back!" to you. 2.) Drew Lock - They're screaming TDs. They're screaming at you. Lock up the Broncos. Lock up the Broncos, yeah, yeah, yeah. 3.) Tom Brady - A modern-day warrior. Mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Brady. Mean, mean pride. 4.) Lamar Jackson - Still pretty good. 5.) Teddy Bridgewater - Like a bridge over Teddy waters. 6.) Cam Newton - Sir Newton will be dropping TDs like Galileo dropped the orange. 7.) Patrick Mahomes - Still belongs on this list. 8.) Phillip Rivers - Left a good job in L.A. Workin' for no fans every night and day. But he never lost one minute of sleepin'. Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been. Big arm keep on throwin'. Now his team won't be blowin'. Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the Rivers. 9.) Dwayne Haskin – 10.) Joe Burrow - Hopefully the wheels won't be off this Burrow by Week 4 as the Bungholes face a questionable season. RBs 1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire! 2.) J.K. Dobbins - J.K. stands for JUST KICKASS! 3.) Derrick Henry - Derrick Henry was about three days old. Sittin' on his papa's knee. He picked up a pigskin and put cleets on his feet; Said, "Football's gonna be the death of me, Lord, Lord. Football's gonna be the death of me." 4.) Ezekiel Elliott - Ezekiel: "Hey Tony! Guess what I did last night?" Tony Romo: "Don't you ... bring my mother into this!" Ezekiel: "I built that fire over there! ... Then I boinked you mother next to it!" 5.) Leonard Fournette – Little red Fournette. Baby, you're much too fast, oh. Little red Fournette. You need a team that's gonna last. 6.) Antonio Gibson – 7.) Devin Singletary – There isn't a Singletary reason he shouldn't score up a storm this year. 8.) Cam Akers – Cam Akers is the place to be. L.A. livin' is the life for he. Smog spreadin' out so far and wide. Keep the country, just give him that glamour side. 9.) Kareem Hunt – Kareem Abdul-JaTouchdown! 10.) D'Andre Swift - Swiftdelicious. WRs 1.) Chris Godwin – In a Godwin Da Vida, honey. Don't you know that I'm lovin' you? In a Godwin Da Vida, baby. Don't you know that he'll always be true. 2.) Will Fuller – Who is DeShaun going to throw it to? Brandon Cooks? Hahahahahahaha!!! 3.) CeeDee Lamb – Lamb of God. #headbang. 4.) Michael Thomas – Some might rank him higher than this. 5.) Jalen Reagor – Van Jalen! 6.) Terry McLaurin – 7.) Deebo Samuel – Deebop Deebop. 8.) Adam Thielen – Thielen, nothing more than Thielen, Trying to forget my Thielen of love. 9.) Courtland Sutton – If I'm going to rank Drew Lock so high, I guess I better put one of his receivers in the Top 10. 10.) D.K. Metcalf – D.K. stands for Double Kickass! That’ll do it for this year folks. Now go win your league! Peace out! The Soilost 2 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
donkeyjotes 54 Posted September 3, 2020 Another solid list, from soilost. I will walk with you into fantasy heaven. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stonewall 647 Posted September 3, 2020 Even got the John Henry lyrics incorporated......A Steel Drivin' Man! Hat's off to you, sir. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kutulu 1,516 Posted September 3, 2020 I soiled myself when I read these Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nobody 2,023 Posted September 6, 2020 I was concerned soilost may have been a victim of the 'vid. Should've known he'd have powered through. Too bad I already had my draft. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ST_Pete 3 Posted September 7, 2020 You...complete me... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smperry 0 Posted September 7, 2020 You had me at pigskin and holly Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frozenbeernuts 1,652 Posted September 7, 2020 I love Mahomes at 7. It takes a bold predictor to put him there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmh6476 734 Posted September 8, 2020 I see what you did with the Washington football team Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Soilost 28 Posted September 11, 2020 "1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jrokh 567 Posted September 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, The Soilost said: "1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire!" Does this mean we are supposed to forget you picked Baker Mayfield as the #1 QB last year? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AxeElf 787 Posted September 11, 2020 2 hours ago, The Soilost said: "1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire!" Ah, THAT'S why you put him #1... because he was the first RB to play, and so for at least three days, CEH will be the #1 RB, and you get to crow about the call! BRILLIANT! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hardcore troubadour 12,407 Posted November 12, 2020 Fail for the most part Share this post Link to post Share on other sites