How does a guy like me “get lucky”?

[t.j. booker 206]

Before we got divorced Gloria gave me a “hand job” but only with the lights off if I promised to think about someone else and not to touch her boobs. That was the last sex I had three years ago.

Im divorced, middle aged, short, fat, bald and broke. How does a fellow like me “get lucky”? She can be fat and ugly I don’t care at all. I need release.

Many if you are smooth with the ladies. Please help a desperate brother out!  

[JustinCharge 2,397]

In some cultures, being fat is a sign of immense wealth.  Typically nations face brutal starvation.

[Mookz 1,287]

Would you be averse to having this performed by someone who could be a girl, but there would be no way of knowing?  

You already have some good experience with picturing "someone else".  

[Strike 3,932]

There are women who make a living by helping guys like you get lucky. 

[TimmySmith 2,782]

Go to a protest.  If you play your cards right you will be hit by a car.  

[jerryskids 5,149]

I’ve found that throat cancer surgery attracts hot nurses who pretty much need to pay attention to you.  :thumbsup:

[Strike 3,932]

10 minutes ago, jerryskids said:

I’ve found that throat cancer surgery attracts hot nurses who pretty much need to pay attention to you.  :thumbsup:

Have you gotten the sponge bath yet?

[jerryskids 5,149]

23 minutes ago, Strike said:

Have you gotten the sponge bath yet?

No. Morning nurse is attractive tho so I’m hopeful.

[Hardcore troubadour 12,552]

Ask MDC

[edjr 5,538]

Wear a MAGA hat to a Klan rally

[The Elevator Killer 497]

1 hour ago, Mookz said:

Would you be averse to having this performed by someone who could be a girl, but there would be no way of knowing?  

You already have some good experience with picturing "someone else".  

You know it's going to look a lot like a cashew don't you? Breaking down after just one day. 

[t.j. booker 206]

2 hours ago, riversco said:

In some cultures, being fat is a sign of immense wealth.  Typically nations face brutal starvation.

I can’t afford to travel.  

[Utilit99 4,099]

Get a pelosi blow up doll and give it to her good. 

[Bier Meister 1,512]

For you.... SI swimsuit edition and costco lotion.

[nobody 2,031]

Just join antifa.  I hear those guys are swimming in ass

 

[Gladiators 1,900]

13 minutes ago, Bier Meister said:

For you.... SI swimsuit edition and costco lotion.

Nailed it.

[BufordT 371]

Where's Gepetto when you need him?

[Bier Meister 1,512]

5 hours ago, Strike said:

There are women who make a living by helping guys like you get lucky. 

 

21 minutes ago, Bier Meister said:

For you.... SI swimsuit edition and costco lotion.

 

7 minutes ago, Gladiators said:

Nailed it.

There is, of course, this.  I was helping him with cost effective ways to fulfill his needs.  may a little baby oil now and then to mix things up?

[fricker66 91]

26 minutes ago, Bier Meister said:

 

 

There is, of course, this.  I was helping him with cost effective ways to fulfill his needs.  may a little baby oil now and then to mix things up?

For cost effectiveness, all that is really needed is imagination.  Of course , if he had to ask the question here, he probably doesn't have that either.  

[phillybear 364]

Ah, so I was to talking to a woman thing a few months back in a casual conversation over alcoholic beverages in an enclosed business facility. She asked what I did for a living.

I'm a roofer.

Really? How do you do deal with all those hot temperatures in the summer working on top of houses?

Houses? What are you babbling about? I said roofer. Do you see this pill? I put one of these in your drink 20 minutes ago. *checks watch* Well, I guess it's time to carry you out to my car...

Remember, doofus, a gentleman helps his date to his car by holding the trunk open.

I strongly recommend a crash course in chemistry, surgery, and agriculture.

Good luck.

HTH.

[edjr 5,538]

Tell your uncle you like his bulge

[peenie 1,690]

If you just want sex, it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you're not broke. If you don't want to directly or indirectly pay for sex you'll have to invest a bit of your time getting to know a woman and pretending you care and want a relationship. Otherwise you need to be a smooth talker or good looking. 

[FlyinHeadlock 459]

9 hours ago, riversco said:

In some cultures, being fat is a sign of immense wealth.  Typically nations face brutal starvation.

This is true. Some of those fat disgusting pacific island nations that can digest spam and fast food faster than processing water. I'd move there. Being fit is frowned upon and considered a sign of weakness.  

[phillybear 364]

26 minutes ago, peenie said:

If you just want sex, it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you're not broke. If you don't want to directly or indirectly pay for sex you'll have to invest a bit of your time getting to know a woman and pretending you care and want a relationship. Otherwise you need to be a smooth talker or good looking. 

And then force your way into her domicile and choke the fock out of her. Once she is unconscious, grab a hammer, and beat her about the head with the claw end. Brutalize her skull. Bathe in her blood. You are reborn. Blood, blood, blood, everywhere. Wash your face with the plasma. Gargle the blood and spit it into the air....

Then go home. Maybe buy a burrito along the way.

[nobody 2,031]

Wash your face with the plasma?  I have to bring a hammer and a god damned centrifuge with me?

[t.j. booker 206]

2 hours ago, peenie said:

If you just want sex, it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you're not broke. 

 

[Gladiators 1,900]

4 minutes ago, nobody said:

Wash your face with the plasma?  I have to bring a hammer and a god damned centrifuge with me?

Yeah. Way too much work. Bier won this thread.

[Mookz 1,287]

21 hours ago, The Elevator Killer said:

You know it's going to look a lot like a cashew don't you? Breaking down after just one day. 

BRB, gotta go call my sponsor. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,104]

23 hours ago, t.j. booker said:

Before we got divorced Gloria gave me a “hand job” but only with the lights off if I promised to think about someone else and not to touch her boobs. That was the last sex I had three years ago.

Im divorced, middle aged, short, fat, bald and broke. How does a fellow like me “get lucky”? She can be fat and ugly I don’t care at all. I need release.

Many if you are smooth with the ladies. Please help a desperate brother out!  

Go to an "Alternative Lifestyle Bar", claim to be a trans woman.  There'll be "Lesbian's" there that'll put out.

 

A friend of mine dared me to do that once.  I told him that he'd have to do it first.  Jerkoff banged 2 "Lesbians" that night (threesome).  I told him I wasn't as brave as he was.  I punked out.

[Big Guy 1,400]

this thread so reminds me of this......

 

[Mookz 1,287]

7 minutes ago, Big Guy said:

this thread so reminds me of this......

 

The United States Department of Beauty 

[MTSkiBum 1,591]

22 hours ago, peenie said:

If you just want sex, it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you're not broke. 

 

This is true. I think the only logical conclusion is for @tj booker to spend his remaining money on scratch off lottery tickets. 

It is a no lose strategy.

[Voltaire 4,550]

Go to the hospital, snag a white lab coat in the break room or office, then find the coma patients or the morgue.

[Voltaire 4,550]

Put on a wig, find some chick on a free app that identifies as pansexual, hope it really is a chick, if she says ‘no’ badger her repeatedly with a ‘trans-phobe’ accusation.

[TBayXXXVII 2,104]

On 10/1/2020 at 7:47 PM, peenie said:

If you just want sex, it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you appear to be loaded. 

FIFY

If sex is the only objective, a guy can pretend to be well off.  Rent an expensive vehicle, have a good wing man, come off as a lawyer and boom... real in a hottie gold digger who finds fool's gold.

[Mike Isles 583]

On 10/1/2020 at 12:01 PM, jerryskids said:

I’ve found that throat cancer surgery attracts hot nurses who pretty much need to pay attention to you.  :penisup:

Fixorateded

[Mike Isles 583]

On 10/1/2020 at 11:12 AM, Mookz said:

Would you be averse to having this performed by someone who could be a girl, but there would be no way of knowing?  

You already have some good experience with picturing "someone else".  

What are you proposing to him ?

[Mookz 1,287]

2 hours ago, Mike Isles said:

What are you proposing to him ?

Really just trying to gauge interest at this point.  

[The Elevator Killer 497]

9 hours ago, Mookz said:

Really just trying to gauge interest at this point.  

Just eat a cashew already

[The Elevator Killer 497]

Get a job at a home for the blind. Or become a furry. The costume will hide your repulsiveness.