Give me a funny story. (true)

[fandandy 3,311]

There are two customers that come into the store.  Appliance repairmen.  They both buy beer but one always buys scratch-off lotto tickets and one never does.  Time goes by and in my mind, I think it would be funny to start giving the guy who never buys tickets (Doug) my winners, just so he can show them off and act as he won to his buddy who always buys them, every single day.

So, I do this. I talk to Doug and run my plan by him to see what he thinks.  He's in.  We've been doing this for like 4 months.  He and his buddy live close to each other and hang out, especially on weekends, so last Friday they come in the store and I give Doug a $500 winner.  Monday rolls around and Doug is in line first.  I ask him what he did this weekend.  He says nothing and his buddy chimes in all pissed off, He won $500 is what he did!

I swear to God, I want to keep this going forever.  I think it's so funny.

[Mike Isles 583]

32 minutes ago, fandandy said:

There are two customers that come into the store.  Appliance repairmen.  They both buy beer but one always buys scratch-off lotto tickets and one never does.  Time goes by and in my mind, I think it would be funny to start giving the guy who never buys tickets (Doug) my winners, just so he can show them off and act as he won to his buddy who always buys them, every single day.

So, I do this. I talk to Doug and run my plan by him to see what he thinks.  He's in.  We've been doing this for like 4 months.  He and his buddy live close to each other and hang out, especially on weekends, so last Friday they come in the store and I give Doug a $500 winner.  Monday rolls around and Doug is in line first.  I ask him what he did this weekend.  He says nothing and his buddy chimes in all pissed off, He won $500 is what he did!

I swear to God, I want to keep this going forever.  I think it's so funny.

What kind of store do you work in ?

[fandandy 3,311]

Just now, Mike Isles said:

What kind of store do you work in ?

Mind your own.  I never ask you this kind of stuff.

[Mike Isles 583]

  

What kind of store ? 

[Drizzay 644]

Met John Randle at a local bar.  My buddy (who is bad at knowing famous athlete's names), and who was piss-drunk, called him "John Rambo". 

Another buddy (who knew of said first buddy's affliction) said, "Hey that's pretty good!  At least Rambo's first name was John!"

You had to be there.

[phillybear 364]

I remember the first fish I ever bought. I had just come back from a family summer vacation in California, and I musta had like some tourist stink on me. Was like 3AM and I had a craving for some paté from a little place named Florént in the Meat Packing District (Men in Black was shot there). They have awesome paté, and it comes with bread, and mustard and cornichons, and olives ... used to be like $8, and they are open to 4 AM.

Anyway, one night I was walking over there from my APT to pick up my order (they do not deliver), walk around a corner, I see 2 black transvestites for about one second before I get pepper sprayed. I was wearing glasses, and I whipped off my glasses, but they got me point blank, I was pretty blind (NEVER want to have glasses on during a fight anyway) and they came at me, but I fought them off blind. Never did find my glasses ... but I did get my focking paté!

And I called the cops. Filed a report. I had like $40 in my wallet ... which should be a pass for a mugging, but no ... they just focking attacked me! Didn't even ask for my wallet. However ... my $400 designer transition glasses were never found. So, they mighta gotten my glasses ... I dunno.

You can't make this shiat up. Only in New York. They were eventually busted. Got a more sophisticated plan, robbing guys looking to pick up male prostitutes, and pretending to be cops. I'm pretty sure it was the same guys. They could not fight ... worth a damn. If it was the same guys. Crakhead trannies. Might as well be the Mafia ... you do not want crackhead trannies mad at you. Trust me. I never pressed any charges.

Never got my glasses back either. Brand new. Ken Cole.

[phillybear 364]

In New Jersey "gravy" is something else. I have secret trick to make it brown ... but the basics are easy. Chicken or turkey.
Collect drippins, bring to a boil in saucepan. Sprinkle in flour to thicken and whisk well.
FYI: My secret browning sauce is Balsamic vinegar
You make a rue .... and it's easy to add more fat (butter) and make more gravy if you need more. How come this is never done well at Thanksgiving? It's not that hard.

You could also brown it with redcued wine or beer, even milk ... perhaps add stock. Depends on what kinda gravy uo want to make. Cook with onions and stewed tomatoes to make "Itallian" gravy.
But yer standard brown gravy .... a little balsamic goes a long way.

Just because he blew Mick Jager .... doesn't make him ghey.
Ok it prolly does ... but he was still a pioneer.

BUT IT AINT OVAH YET! BIZNIACH!
I think I'ma call you Norvern whaa?
41-0? Them fools?
You gotta respect by boys.
BALLIN'!
Anna Kournikova is the best musician ever!

[Hardcore troubadour 12,592]

True? That leaves Digby out. 

[vuduchile 1,940]

1 hour ago, Mike Isles said:

  

What kind of store ? 

Jerk. 

 

[vuduchile 1,940]

My son (13) came home from the pool the other day complaining that his balls were stinging when he was in the pool   
 

I figured it was just over chlorinated or something   

Anyway, my wife said I should take a look. 
 

I didn’t want to, and my son didn’t want me to, but my wife somehow convinced me that it was my duty as a dad.  
 

So, he showed me his sack and it was red, but also focking hairy.  
 

I was not prepared for that. 
 

I probably haven’t seen it since he was potty training.
 

I gave him some lotion and gold bond and told him to use them both liberally.  
 

What else was I supposed to do at that point?   
 

Next time something like that comes up I’m taking him straight to a doctor.  

 

[fandandy 3,311]

6 minutes ago, vuduchile said:

My son (13) came home from the pool the other day complaining that his balls were stinging when he was in the pool   
 

I figured it was just over chlorinated or something   

Anyway, my wife said I should take a look. 
 

I didn’t want to, and my son didn’t want me to, but my wife somehow convinced me that it was my duty as a dad.  
 

So, he showed me his sack and it was red, but also focking hairy.  
 

I was not prepared for that. 
 

I probably haven’t seen it since he was potty training.
 

I gave him some lotion and gold bond and told him to use them both liberally.  
 

What else was I supposed to do at that point?   
 

Next time something like that comes up I’m taking him straight to a doctor.  

 

So, are we doing ball chafe levels now?

It's that customary and forced?

I hate that sh1t.

[BunnysBastatrds 1,911]

 Too many! I’ve given many. 
 

 Stealing mayor mc cheese from McDonalds at 2:00 in the morning ranks up there. Mooning 17000 people at a Ratt concert is a close second. Was busted doing 114 in a convertible Delta 88 is up there. Tripping on acid and ecstasy at a Metallica concert in Mississippi and fingering a blonde figment of my imagination whilst friends looking at me finger the wind. Speaking of fingering, I fingered Edie Brackel at a crawfish boil in NOLA. Rode in numerous parade here in New Orleans. Endymion being the biggest. Gawked a marine biologist with one arm at the ball that I named the one armed bandit. Was a licensed PI for 15 years. Avoided death from three black men by telling them I worked for Popeyes chicken and wanted to put a store in the ninth ward. Have had numerous photos published in newspapers and books. Have drunk more alcohol and more than one should. All done in 52 years of life. I also met my birth mother through ancestry and learned I was convinced on Valentine’s Day at a motel with a heart shaped bed that vibrate.

[Cdub100 3,369]

I was working out at the gym when I look over and it's focking carrot top working out next to me. I don't really give a sh1t so I don't bother him and I just keep lifting. He ends up striking up a conversation with me. Tells me he's doing a show nearby and we end up lifting together for the next hour. 

I don't remember much else since it was almost 20 years ago. Not sure why I told this story. It's neither funny nor interesting.

[Mike Isles 583]

45 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

I was working out at the gym when I look over and it's focking carrot top working out next to me. I don't really give a sh1t so I don't bother him and I just keep lifting. He ends up striking up a conversation with me. Tells me he's doing a show nearby and we end up lifting together for the next hour. 

I don't remember much else since it was almost 20 years ago. Not sure why I told this story. It's neither funny nor interesting.

Was it carrot top or RedTodd

[vuduchile 1,940]

1 hour ago, Cdub100 said:

I was working out at the gym when I look over and it's focking carrot top working out next to me. I don't really give a sh1t so I don't bother him and I just keep lifting. He ends up striking up a conversation with me. Tells me he's doing a show nearby and we end up lifting together for the next hour. 

I don't remember much else since it was almost 20 years ago. Not sure why I told this story. It's neither funny nor interesting.

How could it be?  It's Carrot Top.

[JustinCharge 2,397]

Sometimes groups of guys go to amusement parks to meet girls.  So this one time several years ago I decide to go to Magic Mountain by myself and try it.  Outside the park I spot this tall cute blonde having some trouble with payment so I offer to help.  She is grateful.  So then I ask if she wanted to do the park together.  She was like sure.  So we enter the park together and at the front there are a few workers with cameras offering randoms the chance to take a photo for a fee.  Of course, one of them picks us.  We were like "Uh, we *just* met like 30 seconds ago. LOL.  We had a great time. On the slingshot ride I got her into a deep conversation on purpose right before we got launched into the sky to scare the hell out of her which worked BRILLIANTLY.

[BunnysBastatrds 1,911]

 So this girl asked me at the bar if I wanted go back to her place and have a threesome. She was kind of gothic looking, but at that point in life I’d fawk a chick behind a dumpster with lettuce on her breasteses. Go to their apartment and there are candles lit everywhere. The table in front of the sofa is a coffin. Was told shower and cleanse thyself and return fully unclothed. They were naked and chanting some bullshit. They told me to lay down on the coffin and repent. I started jerking off on a coffin in front of two goth chicks and said” Forgive me witches for I am sinning! How many bloody Mary’s do I need to do?” Before I knew it I was bawls deep in both of them. Got up the next night and went home. A few weeks later I’m back at the bar and Billy the bartender says,”You know that chick and friends you banged? They taped it dumbass! We’ve been watching all week.” Sure said enough, there I was on a coffin with two drunk goths fawking one whilst the wanted to sacrifice me by stabbing me in the heart while the other was saying no!!! Wait, I haven’t cvm yet. Good times.

[Cdub100 3,369]

6 minutes ago, BunnysBastatrds said:

 So this girl asked me at the bar if I wanted go back to her place and have a threesome. She was kind of gothic looking, but at that point in life I’d fawk a chick behind a dumpster with lettuce on her breasteses. Go to their apartment and there are candles lit everywhere. The table in front of the sofa is a coffin. Was told shower and cleanse thyself and return fully unclothed. They were naked and chanting some bullshit. They told me to lay down on the coffin and repent. I started jerking off on a coffin in front of two goth chicks and said” Forgive me witches for I am sinning! How many bloody Mary’s do I need to do?” Before I knew it I was bawls deep in both of them. Got up the next night and went home. A few weeks later I’m back at the bar and Billy the bartender says,”You know that chick and friends you banged? They taped it dumbass! We’ve been watching all week.” Sure said enough, there I was on a coffin with two drunk goths fawking one whilst the wanted to sacrifice me by stabbing me in the heart while the other was saying no!!! Wait, I haven’t cvm yet. Good times.

Link to the video

[Utilit99 4,099]

12 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

Link to the video

The real truth.

 

[BunnysBastatrds 1,911]

30 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

Link to the video

 It was 1990. When VHS was king. And you want to see my jun? Phag!!!

[Cdub100 3,369]

3 hours ago, BunnysBastatrds said:

 It was 1990. When VHS was king. And you want to see my jun? Phag!!!

It ain't g@y if it's a three way

[BunnysBastatrds 1,911]

12 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

It ain't g@y if it's a three way

 Was fawking this chick at a  bar called Bandis off Metairie Rd. Patty. Hot blonde with 36’s I was bar backing. Would come to the bar every night to get with me. Great sex but she had a boyfriend, Dig Doug. Grew up with him and my friends. One night Patty asked me to go back with them and have a threesome. I agree knowing Dig Doug would be passed the fawk out. So I banged her all night whilst he passed out on the sofa DD gets up and went to the store for more beer. I ffawked her again when he left. He comes and started banging her. She screams out….Bunny, it’s time for fun!!! I Ed horridfied at the thought. She went down on me while getting it doggie styled. One of the worst sexual events I’ve ever had. 
 

 I stopped seeing Patty after that  fast forward 20+years. I was T a grocery store getting beer and ice. Patty: Hey Bunny. How are you? HeRd you were dead?  Me: Not yet but I am working on it. 

[Mookz 1,287]

5 hours ago, JustinCharge said:

Sometimes groups of guys go to amusement parks to meet girls.  So this one time several years ago I decide to go to Magic Mountain by myself and try it.  Outside the park I spot this tall cute blonde having some trouble with payment so I offer to help.  She is grateful.  So then I ask if she wanted to do the park together.  She was like sure.  So we enter the park together and at the front there are a few workers with cameras offering randoms the chance to take a photo for a fee.  Of course, one of them picks us.  We were like "Uh, we *just* met like 30 seconds ago. LOL.  We had a great time. On the slingshot ride I got her into a deep conversation on purpose right before we got launched into the sky to scare the hell out of her which worked BRILLIANTLY.

Can size and did you stay in touch after that day?  

[Hardcore troubadour 12,592]

5 hours ago, JustinCharge said:

Sometimes groups of guys go to amusement parks to meet girls.  So this one time several years ago I decide to go to Magic Mountain by myself and try it.  Outside the park I spot this tall cute blonde having some trouble with payment so I offer to help.  She is grateful.  So then I ask if she wanted to do the park together.  She was like sure.  So we enter the park together and at the front there are a few workers with cameras offering randoms the chance to take a photo for a fee.  Of course, one of them picks us.  We were like "Uh, we *just* met like 30 seconds ago. LOL.  We had a great time. On the slingshot ride I got her into a deep conversation on purpose right before we got launched into the sky to scare the hell out of her which worked BRILLIANTLY.

It it doesn’t end in a three way it’s not worth telling. The standard has been set. 

[Mike Isles 583]

45 minutes ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

It it doesn’t end in a three way it’s not worth telling. The standard has been set. 

So since it’s become a sex story thread and the word three way is the standard - here is a story. 
 

Took my GF to motel and banged for better part of three hours with some drinking going on. She had to work the next day early so I dropped her off and went to my local bar. 
 

Me and Tom (RIP) pick up these two chicks and bring them to another friends basement apartment (he was on vacation and left the door open for this very reason). 
 

I was with one chick in bedroom and Tom had another girl on the couch. He passed out before anything happened. She comes into the bedroom But only to watch. I tried my best to make it a three way. When we were done Tom’s chick said “My turn” ! Again I failed to make it a 3 way !!!!!

Three chicks in one night and never got the three way. Except that time with Bunny and Sux - I think ‘Skids has the video. 

[Bier Meister 1,512]

14 minutes ago, Mike Isles said:

 Except that time with Bunny and Sux - I think ‘Skids has the video. 

Were you guys re-enacting Clay Shaw with the gimp in deliverance?

[JustinCharge 2,397]

4 hours ago, Mookz said:

Can size and did you stay in touch after that day?  

B.  her name was ellsbeth.  she was from the netherlands.  she worked as a caregiver in canada and took a solo vacation to los angeles.  didnt stay in touch.

[BeenHereBefore 1,329]

One time I was at Steeler training camp and here comes Kent Graham over to the small crowd I was in to sign autographs. I yelled out Sam Mallone and the crowd laughed and so did he. It was like really funny and he signed my Steeler license plate.

[Big Guy 1,400]

My girlfriend and I were once in a Las Vegas Nightclub before a show, when this dude kept staring at her. A half hour or so went by and I kept getting madder and madder to the point I finally said to her....

"If that guy stares at you 1 more time I'm gonna kick his ass!!!" 

within seconds after I said that he was called to take a bow after being introduced as the "World's Middleweight Kickboxing Champion" 

I soooooo would have died! 

We laughed at that the rest of the night and for months after. 

[BeenHereBefore 1,329]

47 minutes ago, Big Guy said:

My girlfriend and I were once in a Las Vegas Nightclub before a show, when this dude kept staring at her. A half hour or so went by and I kept getting madder and madder to the point I finally said to her....

"If that guy stares at you 1 more time I'm gonna kick his ass!!!" 

within seconds after I said that he was called to take a bow after being introduced as the "World's Middleweight Kickboxing Champion" 

I soooooo would have died! 

We laughed at that the rest of the night and for months after. 

Well you are a Big Guy and still should have been able to take him.

[JustinCharge 2,397]

Best real story ever.

 

 

[Cloaca du jour 2,064]

Back in high school dissection of a perch.

Girl cut into perch and it kinda splashed out in her lap.

She stands up and says..omg..now my crotch is gonna smell like fish!!

We died laughing...the teacher walked straight to the hall 

She never lived it down

[nzoner 936]

Long story short I got busted at Arrowhead a week before Christmas with a flask.Officer poured out my booze and mixed drink and after much complaining I was able to get my flask back.Later that night I was on a Chiefs messagebored retelling my story and the cop got renamed Deputy Dawg and quite a few rude comments were made.

Fast forward one week later Christmas Day Chiefs are hosting the Raiders and same cop walks up to our section before the game and produces three printed pages of the messagebored discussion calling him Deputy Dawg etc. He then proceeds to leave but tells me he'll be right back and returns with a large Sprite and apologizes for dumping out my $7 Sprite and wishes me a Merry Christmas.

Deputy Dawg actually started stopping by our tailgate parties the following season,small world.

[BiPolarBear 476]

On 7/21/2021 at 5:51 PM, Hardcore troubadour said:

It it doesn’t end in a three way it’s not worth telling. The standard has been set. 

I was in a popular bar band, and a high school wanted some musicians with local cred to judge a talent show, where the kids would imitate rock bands. They asked me and our female lead singer to judge. She was a model, and had her ass plastered on billboards coast-to-coast for a jeans company. And yes, dear readers, I got to feel the fit.   

After we did the judging at the high school, she wanted to go bar hopping. We started in San Clemente, and made it to Dana Point, where we ran into a model I knew. She had worked at a clothing boutique next to the music store I managed. She had shown me her runway stuff, and was quite lovely. Her problem was that she grew a pair of 36DD's and no longer filled the mold. Or, possibly over-filled the mold. Whatever. 

Like I said: I knew her. She was Bi,  but mostly just gay. She had a boyfriend she punished like Fock. 

Anyway, she fell in with us at the Wind & Sea in Dana point and hung on for the trip back to my place. 

The chick from my band was ready to go, and whipped off her clothes and pushed me over on the bed.  She would look me in the eyes and say "I'm all yours." while she did the grinding. The Bi girl stripped down, and let me play with her , while the rocking' roll queen rode unit one. When she was done, she said; "He's all yours." and split.

Bi girl was just ok; wanted to be a motionless bottom. 

At a later date, I had the opportunity to live with the lead singer. She required that I through the girl that was currently living with me onto the street the same day. I could not do that, and missed out. If I ever get the chance to have her cold hearted ass back again; I will do whatever it takes to get it done. Trust me.