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  1. Lessons Learned after Week 2? Don’t overreact to week 1, or week 2, but it's week 3 so now is the time to overreact! Don’t pick four road dog teams to win and expect to make money…then again ATS my picks were pretty bad so I can’t judge too harshly…I should stick to head to head picks. Picking all home teams (other than the Bills) every single week is a viable strategy in HTH pools! I went 12-3-1 this week and I’m 22-8-2 on the season so far! You gotta Moneyball those picks people. On-base percentage, and slugging percentage is very important, bitches. Odd’s n ends from week 2? As a long-suffering Bills fan, we gotta talk about Vontae Davis. You probably heard about him quitting on the Bills by retiring at halftime? Friends don’t let friends play for the Bills, much less cheer for them. For your amusement here are the best quotes I found about Davis this week: · Playing for the Bills actually broke a players spirit. · “Fuuuuuuck this sh1iiit” - Vontae · I can finally say that I’ve seen an NFL player rage quit · “The Bills are this year’s Browns” - Vontae Davis · This needs to be a thing on Madden. Throw 5 touchdowns in the first half to Richard Sherman's man, and he rage quits in the locker room and doesn't come back out for the second half. Bonus points if you do it on franchise mode. · We'll always remember that time the Bills were so bad that Vontae Davis had to retire at halftime. Connor and Brown's haircuts are horrific abominations but I fully respect them for bringing back the Mullet and Anchor haircuts (or whatever that thing on the back of Antonio Brown’s head is). Next, some player will bring back the rat-tail, now that would be something. In other Steelers news, allegedly Antonio Brown tweeted a mysterious “trade me” tweet in response to someone saying he wouldn’t be good without Ben. He then skipped work and team meetings on Monday. This means Tomlin will probably buy him ice-cream, give him a nice hot bath and a foot massage, then will insist Ben target him 14-18 times in the next game and throw into double coverage to keep him happy! Gotta love the Diva Wide Receivers...he does realize his team is 0-1-1 and desperate for a win right? Fitzmagic looks like Conor McGregor’s drunk uncle but he’s playing like a boss! I hope Fitzmagic is here to stay…but we all know it’s not. We’re talking about a journeyman’s journeyman who really should be laying drywall but somehow ended up as an NFL QB. Soon he’ll be back to his normal 60% completions and 81% QB rating. Enjoy it while it lasts. As long as he doesn’t touch the beard, he should be fine. Legend has it, if you rub the beard, you get good luck for 2 weeks. Patrick Mahomes throws darts! Now I don’t know if he looks great because the Steelers don’t know how to stop receivers with open field tackles, or maybe they were playing by touch football rules, but KC wasn’t aware of it? Anyway, that kid throws a good ball, that’s all I’m saying, you can’t deny that. Kickers are all terrible. They lost games for their teams left and right (as in outside left or outside right). Browns kicker missed 2 XP and 2 FG and got waived on Monday. Pitt kicker misses twice. Minn kicker misses 3 Field goals, including a FG in OT so they tied the game, and he got cut on Monday as well. Why are we even talking about kickers? It’s enough to make you want to see them retire at halftime…Also if anyone wants to make a “Norwood Wide Right” joke you can shut the hell up, I’m over it. Really. Enough nonsense on with the picks! HTH this time. Jets @Browns – I agonized over this one. At the last minute, I wimped out and picked the Browns. I'm not proud of myself, but hey it's a win. Saints @Falcons – Sorry ‘aints just haven’t looked good this season now they’re on the road and Atlanta is playing better. 49ers @Chiefs – Did you not see what I said about Mahomes? Darts man, he throws darts. All to my man Kelce. Raiders @Dolphins – West coast to East coast travel for the raiders, after a tough matchup against the Broncos? Gimmie the Fish. Bills @Vikings – Again, this is a game where you would be well advised by your financial advisor to take a second mortgage on your house, and bet against the Bills. Colts @Eagles – This game is closer than you think, it’s not an auto-win for the Eagles, and Luck has been looking better. I’m just taking the home team here. Packers @Redskins – A road favorite! Muh packers! Colts made the Washington D look pretty piss poor last week, I think Rodgers can do it as well. Bengals @Panthers – Mixon is out getting his knee scoped. Dalton was great last week but he’s not gonna throw 3 TDS to Green every week. Panthers D is better than you think and bring good pressure up front. Titans @Jaguars – Another really close one. It depends on if Fournette plays, Jags need that run game. This one is a game-day decision, check the injury report! Broncos @Ravens – Raven’s won’t cover, but they should win. Giants @Texans – Really are you going to put money on Eli on the road? Really? Chargers @Rams – Rams look very poised to kick the crap out of this division this year. Goff is racking up yards but managing the game. Gurley is smashing multiple TDs every week into the Endzone. Love it. Not just because I own Gurley. I’ll be watching this one for sure, and drinking every time Rivers makes his patented Derp-face or yells at a teammate. Bears @Cardinals – Man the Cardinals are having a tough outing. Khalil Mack is highly entertaining to watch. ‘member back in the day when JJ Watt was a monster and carrying the team on his own, that’s Khalil Mack today. Cowboys @Seahawks – I almost went against my gambling sense and picked Dallas because I didn’t like much of what Wilson did last week, but he was playing against Mack…Dallas defense is not so scary. Patriots @Lions – LOL common. Brady yelled at his teammates. Know what happens when Brady yells at his teammates? The opposite of what happens when Rivers yells at his teammates. Pats win. Steelers @Bucs – Here is the thing. You can’t go 0-3 and make the playoffs in that division and Pitt know it. I’m picking a reasonable upset here, assuming they can keep Fitzmagic to just 2 TDs.
  2. Super NFL Rant: lockdown prognostications (fancy way of sayin’ educated guesses) *Credit to brotherbrock for some extremely quotable Rivers/Bears shade, and Byrdman5 for coining the phrase "Fitzmagic" which I'm stealing forever. Lets start this off with my man…Aaron “NFL QB GOD” Rogers. What was that last Sunday? That was Rodgers showing us the Bears are who we thought they were. Sit down and watch as THE 1st round HOF/GOAT/QB dismantles them, on one leg and rips out Khalil Mack’s heart with the greatest comeback win ever! Khalil Mack is really entertaining though. That guy can do it all, except play QB and make his team score more than 6 points in the second half, poor guy. I somehow entirely missed the fact that one of my old favorites, Chucky is back as a coach with the RAIDERS!! While this excites me a lot – not because I think he is any good as a coach, this is fuckin’ great for beer drinking every time they show his “angry chucky face”. Didn’t his last tenure as a coach in Tampa confirm he sucks? Tony Dungy called and thanks Gruden for winning a Superbowl with his team, against his old team where you knew all the plays in advance...good job Chucky, gold star. He’ll be fired at the end of the year, then he can go back to telling Raiders and Bucs stories, and lamenting the “tuck rule” in the broadcast booth. Ahh…good old plucky Eli Manning. So apparently throwing swan-dive-deep hail-Mary passes all game into double and triple coverage is a thing now? Also, just induct Saquon Barkley into the HOF now, he’s clearly the best RB we’ve ever seen. Brady to Gronk connection is alive and well…at least for 6 games until Gronk breaks his fibula/tibula/scapula/collarbone/arm or whatever season ending injury he gets this year happens. Smoke ‘em while you got ‘em people, Gronk is a part-time FF player now, then the rest of the season he’ll be on your IR. Let’s move on to the Steelers! Le’Veon Bell was busted night-clubbing in Miami late Monday night, so Pitt took him off their official depth chart, and changed their Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated”. Until Bell comes back Connor filled in admirably, but he’s not going to get to go up against the Browns every week. At some point, they need Bell back, and Ben needs to stop going full retard with the INTs. Jets are apparently some sort of good football team now? Who cares? I have never willingly sat down to watch a Jets game, I don’t intend to start now. Then again, they made Matty Stafford look pretty stupid by picking him 4 times. My 8-year waiting game to for Stafford to become an elite QB is on a 10-year timeline. According to Chargers insider Brotherbrock: Allegedly Phillip Rivers spent all of practice on Tuesday throwing the ball as hard as he could at his receivers' ankles and screaming "What!? You wouldn't catch it anyway!" Remember, it’s always the WR’s fault Phillip, always. “Fitzmagic” is back! Remember once upon a time when Fitzpatrick strung 4 good games together for the Bills and they signed him to a big contract? Then he was the ultimate journeyman with journeyman beard to bounce around the league…but GOD DAMN IS THAT NOT A MAGNIFICENT BEARD? You know this man went to Hahvahd right? That means he’s SMART and can read defenses and such! On with the picks! Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals (-1) – This will be a close one, but Ravens DST looked really good. Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (-5.5) – Not confident on this one but maybe Matt can put a good game together. Indianapolis Colts at Washington Redskins (-5.5) – Skins looked pretty decent last week Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-1) – Pretty much a pick em, I like the Texans roster more. Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Fitzmagic 2 weeks in a row? I doubt it, Eagles DST is scary. Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5) – Sorry Pitt, you gotta prove it. KC are a hella good team, I like them to cover that spread. Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (-3) – Fins always seem to play the Jets close. Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo Bills – That’s a big ass spread, but what is Buffalo going to do if they fall behind? Throw deep passes? Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-1) – Obviously I’m a Rogers homer, I think if GB could handle Chicago pass rush they can handle the vikes. Cleveland Browns at New Orleans Saints (-8.5) – I was briefly tempted to take the Browns to cover, but I don’t think Taylor can keep pace with Brees. Detroit Lions at San Francisco 49ers (-5.5) – You know I like Stafford….but I like winning money more. Arizona Cardinals at Los Angeles Rams (-12.5) – This line is Ridiculous. Also I am a Gurley owner...but the Cards will cover…maybe. New England Patriots (-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars – I was briefly tempted to take the Jags, but I think NE win by 3. Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos (-5.5) – Raiders did not inspire much confidence at all last week, I really like Denver here, expect to see lots of angry chucky-face. New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-3) – I think Dallas rebound. Eli looked like…well bad Eli. Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-3.5) – I’m ok with Wilson on the road to cover.
  3. Week 4 is almost over what have we learned? Let’s start with the Steelers pummeling Kansas City! I thought this would be a really good game as KC supposedly have a great defense. I started them on my fantasy team. My opponent started Big Ben. No surprise, I got bent over like a rented mule, and I now hate KC and Fantasy Football in general. I can’t believe the Steelers go from getting an epic beat down last week, to administering an epic beat down of their own this week. Also the refs absolutely HATE Antonio Brown. Apparently the No Fun League doesn’t allow any endzone dancing or celebrating, Brown will have to do his twerking on the sidelines. Also I legitimately thought Mike Tomlin’s eyeballs were going to pop out of his head when the refs didn’t call a penalty for a late hit on Ben…nobody does the crazy-eyes like Tomlin. Finally…Former 1st round draft pick Alex Smith, aka Captain Checkdown was brutal to watch. They’re down 36 and he’s still playing 5-10 yard dink and dunk, does the guy ever throw deep, like ever? Alex be like: “Noooo…we’re down 36 points coach, I can’t take a chance, I gotta checkdown every play!“ Rex Ryan just saved his job for another year. I haven’t even watched the post-game presser yet, but I know exactly what a big stupid happy red-faced Sexy-Rex said. “Ahh we’re great. Nothing like taking it to Belichick. We had this game circled on the calendar and these guys came out motivated and played hard…we can’t wait to meet them again this season…blah, blah, blah.” Sure thing Rex. You know he screamed at his team the entire week beforehand to make sure they won this, nobody gets jacked up to beat Belichick like Rex does. He probably threatened to take away all of the players foot-rubs and snacks if they lost this game. Now he’s gonna ride this to another year of mediocrity, when we finish 8-8 again, he’ll still keep his job and they won’t fire him, why? Because…he beat New England once. The Bills who probably think they’re gonna win the Superbowl at 2-2...Meanwhile the Pats are 3-1 without Brady, and he’s back next week, and will soon cruise through that weak ass division. Trust me, the Bills suck, they’ll probably find a way to lose a game on their bye week. Carolina’s season is done, and Oakland is for real: The Panthers have a major Superbowl hangover and Cam just got his bell rung bad this weekend, he’ll be out for a bit. He went completely wet-noodle legs after getting cranked in the side of the head by Atlanta’s linebacker. Not that I want to see injuries inflicted on my fellow human beings, but I’m pretty sure a sarcastic laugh happened across the NFL when he got TKO’d. Pay attention to Oakland. They’re back, they have a great offense, and they will make the playoffs as a Wild Card, I think. Also more reason to hate Fantasy Football? I had ###### Crabtree on the bench while he hauled in 3 touchdowns. F. off, I hate this game. The 2 most interesting QBs were off this week: Captain Touchdown (My man Aaron Rodgers) and Carson “The Real Deal” Wentz were resting up this week. They are both pretty awesome to watch, just sayin’. Wentz needs a cool nickname. Monday Night Prediction: Vikings have that purple people eater defense is great. Their season was supposed to be over with their QB Bilge-water out, as well as Pederson blowing up his knee again, yet after tonight they’re gonna be 4-0. Unless the Giants do what the Giants always do because they are GAMBLING POISON I HATE THE GIANTS THEY ALWAYS SCREW ME EVERY WEEK ALONG WITH THEIR ENTIRE STUPID NFC EAST DIVISION, I HATE BETTING ON THESE TEAMS…whew, ok sorry I got that out of my system…I’m out. Cheers!