Hello. I registered here, and I don't think I've ever posted, let alone read this forum. But I just so happened to saunter through here and this thread really caught my attention.
First, I am not a counsellor.
Second, I am happily married, but only for a couple of years.
Third, I agree with others (and probably yourself) that you have *major* communication problems. I also think you have expectation problems.
Translation:
Mrs. DaveBG (or, what she is saying): Talk with me. Don't run away and shut down like you usually do. What are you thinking about the whole counseller thing?
DaveBG (or, what she hears): I don't want to talk with you. I'm just going through the motions to save face and get away from you.
Mrs. DaveBG: I just want to spend time with you.
Translation:
Mrs. DaveBG: I still want to talk about everything.
DaveBG: An hour of talking with you is more than enough.
Mrs. DaveBG: I'm losing hope that this will ever work out, though I want it to.
DaveBG: Lack of response says, "yup, you're right!"
This is an expectation thing. You expect her to work and split the chores at home. She may have different expectations. Perhaps she expects to work and have you do 75% of the chores. Is this fair? Well, it might be. Perhaps she is not capable of working AND coming home to more work. Perhaps you are emotionally stronger and able to work then come home to more work. Perhaps she has a more emotionally draining job that you. I don't know. Does this make her less of a person? I say no. But I do say that you need to talk about what each of you expects in this marriage. But that will come later after you learn how to communicate in the first place.
Translation:
Mrs. DaveBG: Just what I expected. Another day, he's fallen asleep no problem with nothing bothering him, when our marriage is collapsing in on itself. And he doesn't even want to try to fix anything. He hates me and wants out, and I don't want that to happen. It hurts too much (cue crying).
Mr. DaveBG: Yup, not only do I hate you, I hate you *really* badly.
You know what I say about this? I say the one with the mangina is the one who cowers in the face of a challenge. The one who runs away from fighting for his wife. The one who throws in the towel when the going gets tough. Yes, you're miserable. You keep bringing up "bowing to her every whim". You are, quite frankly, very selfish, and can't see how stepping out and swallowing your pride and doing what I believe she is so clearly telling you in your (brief) conversations listed here can actually improve the situation. I say man up and fight FOR her, and lose the "mangina" by cowering behind "she's an idiot" or "her parents are lunatics" or "she's a lunatic" or "I'm the sane one here" or "I am trying".
I know this is pretty tough on you, DaveBG, and I've painted her in a good light here, but you CANNOT change her behavior. You CAN change your own. If you can't see where YOUR fault lies in this matter (and there will be some), then it is over. My advice is to decide you want to fight for her, to trust that she will come around and follow your lead, and change your behavior above and beyond what is required of you. As someone else said, give 150% and expect 50%. In your case, I would expect back 0%.
It won't be easy. You are in for a tough fight. But if you are willing, and you get back up on that horse every time she throws you off it, you can and will overcome this.
The first step, I think, is to work on your own communication. Don't say "I'm going to the gym" because she hears "I don't want to talk about this". Instead say, "I'm going to the gym, because I need some time to think over what went on today. I think we covered some good ground, and I think it would benefit us both if we had some time to ourselves to think things through, and come back together later to go over everything". Of course, then you MUST follow up on coming back later to discuss everything. Even if it means you go to bed late. Right now it seems your priority is on your sleep, and not your relationship. What message does that send to her?
Am that I far off here? Ladies: on my interpretation of what she is saying? Guys: am I being too rough on him?
