Zap 0 Posted September 11, 2003 Take a biiiiig whiff. Aahhhh, how sweet it is to be in the midst of the NFL season once again. Man hath made no finer distraction (breast implants not withstanding). Like all glorious season openers, week one brought us expected surprises, unexpected probables, no names with big games, big names with no games, teams in the tank, and teams on fire. It's all good. It's all so very good. Can we get a Booyah? Come on friar. You too. Booyah!! As for the Weekly, our two for eight performance in Week One money plays brought a minor financial burden that caught the attention of corporate headquarters. An attempt to cover the gambling debts includes the addition of an ad exec. If you'd like to advertise in the Weekly, send your query to ads@prozacweekly.com for display rates and information. We appreciate your business. Determined to recoup the losses, we now focus only on the sure things. That's right. It's the GOIDPANKAL Week Two in review: ***** Five Star Matchup ***** Prozac Attack (1-0) @ Rhody T-Run (1-0) Point Spread: Prozac Attack -1 Over - Under: 225 A bad blood battle of unbeatens kicks off week two. PIK 95 quietly seethed when Prozac owner, Zap, used his moderator/fuhner status to manipulate the end of the fraft, thus trying to coerce Rhody T-Run out of TE Teyo Johnson. Zap's excuse of a difficult to interpret draft list fell on deaf ears as PIK waived Teyo in anger this week. PIK's message was clear. The Teyo debacle will have nothing to do with the outcome of this one. Blowing out the Friars last week by 38 points, Rhody T-Run returns to Rhode Island where a huge mob of postal workers should make things difficult for team Prozac. Against a far more formidable opponent than the Friars, the Prozac Attack also posted a 30+ point victory. Carried by a corps of overachieving receivers, Prozac enters this one the clear favorite to remain undefeated. Give the point. The Prozac Attack is back. **** Four Star Matchup **** Stuart Scott (1-0) @ Crankshaft Grinders (1-0) Point Spread: Crankshaft Grinders -17.5 Over - Under: 229 In any ordinary week this conflict would receive five star status. Two more undefeated teams go head to head, and no team was more impressive in the opener than SONM's Crankshaft Grinders. In a rare acknowledgement, Diesel stated, "Crankshift will be a tougher opponent than the ol Sharkbait." He followed that remark by claiming, "I have the edge due to the mobility of Culpepper." And then he reminded SONM that, "There's no crying in fantasy football." Soon after these comments Diesel was found crying about a scoring error regarding Travis Henry. To all of this SONM merely shouted, "I'm drunk again! I love Joe Jurevicius! GREAT WALL, HERE I COME!!!!!!" Speaking of traveling, the long trip to Korea will prove the downfall of Stuart Scott this weekend. Take the 17.5 points, but expect Cranky to pull out a close one. *** Three Star Matchup *** The Seeker of Truth (0-1) @ SweetLeaf Vaporizors (1-0) Point Spread: Sweetleaf Vaporizors -4 Over - Under: 210 The three star matchup threatens to be a creative and entertaining affair as FourTwoOh established himself as the league's connect by offerring his personal stash, "All the Seeker of Truth will need do, is vaporize a few of my sweet leaves." The issue of a GOIDPANKAL substance abuse program has been before the league committee and random piss testing is on the horizon, but for now we see SweetLeaf's higher tolerance as an advantage in all home games. Expect a toxic cloud to rise from the stadium as thick as those seen at Dead concerts. 420 defends his unblemished record. Take the under and give the 4 points. ** Two Star Matchup ** Peerless Prices (1-0) @ Shark Jumpers (0-1) Point Spread: Even Over - Under: 215 Shark Jumper GM, t.j, opened the week by generously offering a little advice to the league, "Don't get used to seeing Rank 1 of 12 when you log in! After this week, 6 of you won't see it anymore, and it won't be long before it's just me. You're welcome!" Well, t.j still sees Rank 1 of 12, it's just that a zero follows the one now. About his loss to Stuart Scott he lamented, "It doesn't get much more embarassing than that." Wait till he goes down to Ayatollah this weekend. Go with the Prices. * One Star Matchup * Tenacious D (0-1) @ Scorgasms (0-1) Point Spread: Tenacious D -3.5 Over - Under: 211 In a surprising turn of events two of FFToday's more prominent posters face off in an early must win game. It's hard to pick a winner here because both owners have committed cardinal fantasy sins. TR flew in the face of every opinion on record by drafting Warner and not supporting the risk by adding Bulger to the team. The decision has left him with Patrick Ramsey at the helm. TR sealed his fate by taunting Bulger's owner earlier in the week, and now it is TR who must face the taunting of his own fans. RLLD crossed the fantasy taboo line when he called out anyone who criticized his Javon Walker draft pick. Gloating over injuries to Driver and Ferguson can only bring fantasy wrath down on the premature Scorgasms. Both these teams now destined to lose repeatedly leaves us unable to pick a winner. If there was a way they both could lose, that would be our pick. Stay away from this cursed match. No Star Matchup Scurvy Mongrel Dogs (0-1) @ Providence Friars (0-1) Point Spread: Scurvy Mongrel Dogs -27.5 Over - Under: 179 teddyt's Scurvy Mutts posted last week's highest losing score, while the Friar's tallied the lowest losing score in league history. You do the math. Take the Dawgs and give all 27.5 points. It's a lock. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
t.j 35 Posted September 11, 2003 Maybe being dropped to the 2-star matchup is just what the Jumpers need to focus and win a game. The tour of opponents with crappy team names continues for the Sharkies, why a Raider fan calls his team the Peerless Prices (as if there are several of them?) is beyond me. Oh well. I have Jesus In Cleats (the most peerless player in football history) and he doesn't! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Diesel07 0 Posted September 11, 2003 t.j:The tour of opponents with crappy team names continues for the Sharkies Name may be "crappy" to you, but if i remember correctly, i think i gave u a pretty good a$$-whooping last week. Did you get a chance to see my commercial for Tylenol 8 hour relief pills? I recommened buying 2-4 bottles...you'll need them after i get done humiliating you next time we play, HoLLa!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zap 0 Posted September 11, 2003 t.j: The tour of opponents with crappy team names continues for the Sharkies, why a Raider fan calls his team the Peerless Prices Some of these names really squelch the creativity of writing a weekly too. I miss Death vs Thundering Orgasms, and Psycho 'Cocks vs Fighting Amish. Ah well, next year I think we need one of those team name rules wherein you must pick a locale and mascot. Edit to add there's only two names that seem silly to me. Peerless Prices?? WTF? I remember asking him about that during the recruiting/screening process and he said he thought it was funny. Ah well, the name is fine, and I wouldn't want any changes now. Diesel tried to slip a slightly over the top name in, then opted for the Amish Rake Fight, which would have been fun, then he came up with Stuart Scott?? WTF? An espn talking head? Ah well, he did promise to stay in character... playa. wink Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Diesel07 0 Posted September 12, 2003 Haha, well there were some other names that i opted for in the 1st place, but i guess we have little kids here and its inappropiate for them I changed from Amish Rake Fight to Stuart Scott b/c i didn't want to use someone else's idea for a name, but rather my own. I know people cant stand Stuart Scott, so i thought it would be a good idea to use his name. I guess it worked in once sense. TJ was pissed last week that he got beat by the ever so smooth cat they call Stuart Scott Here is the name i wanted originally (reserved for next year if i can use it) 2 in pink 1 in stink Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FourTwoOh 0 Posted September 12, 2003 Oh Zap-meister. Just a three star? I guess we're just gonna have to sit down over a bottle of you other name sake, and a bowl or t wo of my wares, and you'll be adding a 6th star with me permanently enshrined. Cool write-ups, once again. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PIK 95 2 Posted September 12, 2003 Zap[QB Prozac enters this one the clear favorite to remain undefeated. [/QB] If by remain undefeated you mean take an azz whopping I totally agree. Prozac the favorite...Not this week! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
teddyt 0 Posted September 14, 2003 I've been demoted from the ONE-STAR matchup to the NO-STAR matchup One would suspect this is due to the poor quality of my opponent rather than any reflection on my juggernaut of underachieving talent PS: Could you please repost a copy of the Prozac Weekly for week 1??? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
t.j 35 Posted September 14, 2003 If my scoring is right, a superior defensive performance (helped by my opponent starting two defensive linemen) has pulled me within a half point, with only Toomer (for me) and DWoodson (for him) tomorrow night. Please, football gods, don't punish me for benching Stephen Davis!@# Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
friar 0 Posted September 15, 2003 teddyt: I've been demoted from the ONE-STAR matchup to the NO-STAR matchup One would suspect this is due to the poor quality of my opponent rather than any reflection on my juggernaut of underachieving talent PS: Could you please repost a copy of the Prozac Weekly for week 1??? Your opponent beat your ass with his supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Running Back duo, his wrong choice of QB and one of his guys not even on the field yet. Perhaps, you could take a long and hard look at yourself before blaming others Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
teddyt 0 Posted September 15, 2003 Yes, it's true, I suck Willie Green is a heaping pile of dung and WTF is up with Heap? Me thinks I'm destined to ONE star or No Star matchups for the forseeable future... Thank you for whooping my a$$ this week, I am humbled! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zap 0 Posted September 15, 2003 teddyt: PS: Could you please repost a copy of the Prozac Weekly for week 1??? There's a drop down menu on the top right of our boards page that will allow you to reset the default of "show five days topics" to as many as you like. I've set mine to ten days and the week one Weekly is there. Thanks t.j. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
