The mother of all poops

[wiffleball 4,797]

Okay now, I've taken my fair share of poops. By my conservative estimate, probably well over 15,000 in my lifetime. But today was unlike any other poop I've ever had.

 

Granted, I didn't poop yesterday - and I"m pretty sure I paid the price for it today. I get up feeling those same familiar feelings, so I sit down and in short order the baby starts to crown (that's when you can see the top of his head, but nothing else), it feels like I'm passing a football. My poophole is stretched wider than it's ever been before - and it hurts! I'm thinking of calling for an episiotomy or at least an epidural.

 

Then - nothing. I mean, nothing. Minutes pass, my alarm clock goes off and nothing. I can't get up, can't push it back in, nothing. I just sit there pondering how many radio stations use the term "Morning Zoo" and waiting for something to happen. Musta sat there for ten minutes just waiting for something - anything - to happen.

 

And then it did. What I didn't realize is the plethora of forces working deep within my bowels to move this behemoth. And when it came, it came as a slow moving juggernaut. No one or nothing was going to impede this giant from its course. and GAWD, it hurt. I was gripping the tub and the counter just to stay upright. This was as close to childbirth as I ever want to come. I wanted it to stop, I wanted it out of me, but it just kept coming and coming. Minutes passed. It felt like quite possibly days passed and it kept issuing forth from my body like magma from Pompeii; Slow, but unstoppable - and deadly.

 

Finally, it ended. I'm not sure when because I think I lost consciousness for a while. And I just sat there, spent, bleeding, in pain, feeling violated and relieved at the same time.

 

When I could finally support myself (shakily), I rose to see what could have possibly birthed itself in such a malevolent fashion.

 

And there it was.

 

It was too long to measure. I'm sure the first several feet had wound through the plumbing, but the girth was undeniable. This beast had to have at least a 6-7 inch diameter. I couldn't believe this came from me - or any other living creature. It wound itself back and forth like the lines at the amusement park. It had long since breached the water and rose toward the sky like an island formed by some unseen mammoth undersea volcano.

 

And then I flushed.

 

But, fighting with a verocity found only in wounded animals refusing to accept death, this giant spawn fought off its watery demise. Without a shred of toilet paper, this beast clogged the toilet all by itself.

 

And, as I stand there exhausted, bleeding and unwiped, I plunged the beast repeatedly chanting "The Power of Christ Compels You!". Finally, after a pitched battle that easily could have gone horribly awry, the behemouth of my bowels succumbed to the inexorable pull of its watery grave.

 

Exhausted and still bleeding, I fishished and stumbled wearily to my bed where it took me another half-hour just to recover from the ordeal. I'm still exhausted, still in pain and yes, probably still bleeding. But beyond the physical trauma is the mental trauma. I used to look at the bowl and my little morning ritual as a place of solace and contemplation. Now, I feel that the rest of my days will be filled with foreboding; Waiting in fear. Wondering if the next time will be like this time - or worse. I feel a violation and an emptiness unlike any other. How could a place that seemed so safe, so comfortable suddenly feel so horribly horribly wrong??

 

[phillybear 366]

I believe the movie Dreamcatcher has a bathroom scene that can put a visual to your ordeal.

 

Also, whatever you do, don't let Bono find out about this. Or there will be hell to pay.

[wiffleball 4,797]

I believe the movie Dreamcatcher has a bathroom scene that can put a visual to your ordeal.

 

I read the book. That scene was eerily reminiscent of this morning.

[shake_a_leg 0]

Fiber. Eat more fiber.

[wiffleball 4,797]

Fiber. Eat more fiber.

 

I'm pretty sure that's what caused this. Had a salad for lunch yesterday.

[heavy-set 39]

within 10 minutes, a father of all poop threads will appear

[gocolts 300]

within 10 minutes, a father of all poop threads will appear

Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Let Da Big Dog Eat 42]

WB this poop story had me laughing so hard I couldn't see due to the tears in my eyes.

[wiffleball 4,797]

WB this poop story had me laughing so hard I couldn't see due to the tears in my eyes.

 

I'm glad my pain brings you pleasure.