phillybear 365 Posted March 31, 2006 FOCK OFF. Seriously. As I got off my first bus this morning, and made my way towards the corner to buy my daily newspaper so I could enjoy reading the obituaries on the train, I heard a distinct whirring noise approaching from the left. Fearing the aliens had returned for me, I stopped on a dime to quickly plan my next move. An object suddenly buzzed through the space where my head would have been if I had kept walking. Instant subconscious recognition forced immediate swift action. With lightning quickness, my hand jabbed at the air, and with an outstretched back hand, **SLAP**, I propelled the dive bombing pigeon, **SPLAT**, into a concrete wall just a couple of yards away. As it slowly slid down the wall in a snail trail of an unrecognizable mass of feathers and ooze, I had come to grips that I was now at war with all aviary creatures, and this was only the beginning. I fear the extinction of many, many species is yet to come. Arriving at work, and unpacking, I headed to the bathroom. Oh, this was not just any bathroom. I had finally discovered the Holy Grail in the Promised Land in Daunte’s Inferno. A bathroom hidden away from the masses. Judging by the lack of towels in the trash cans, either no one ever comes here, or there are a lot of repulsive fockers in this building. As I was thoroughly enjoying my morning whiz, a pleasure that is so fleeting in such a loathsome working environment, someone opened the door and strolled in. This was shocking to the senses, as I was not accustomed to company in this restroom. Ah, I am in a sharing mood. I was standing at the end urinal, and much to my chagrin, he was drawn, much like Ryan Seacrest is to sucking, to use the urinal next to mine. What the fock is wrong with the focking building? These children of the corn insist on no privacy. Every mother focking time, someone feels the need to stand next to me at the urinal. You want to nurse from my breasts too, you sissy. I. Need. Space. Aaaaaaarrrghghgh. As I flushed, I turned and said in a distinct voice “QUEER…”. This caught the other gentleman by surprise. “What?” I remainly silent, and kept washing pigeon guts off my hands at a brisk pace. Before he had a chance to flush, I was already out the door. I would have punched him in the back of the head, but he looked like a dead ringer for our CEO. As I exited the restroom, I was attacked again this morning, for the third time. The unmistakable wafting aroma of burnt to a crisp popcorn emanating from a microwave. You stupid ass monkeys. When are you ever going to learn? When you put something in a microwave, you should maybe monitor it. Because maybe these microwaves aren’t exact duplicates for you $25 Walmart special at home. You know, the one that sits on cinderblocks in your living room. Maybe you two legged fluke worms would prevent the fire alarms going off 3 times a day. I am tired of staring at the overflowing dumpsters behind our building as the firemen tell us, all clear, just popcorn again. How about you eat breakfast, you anorexic piles of buffalo spunk. You know, the most important meal of the day. Instead of skipping breakfast, and burning popcorn, maybe you wouldn’t have to gorge on a lunch roughly twice the calories consumed by a Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contestant to make up the difference. Maybe you two bit witch wouldn’t waddle when walking. Maybe you glumps of whale vomit should just have your heart attack today, and get it over with. I’ll help you out by punching you in the heart. I’ll…I’ll…Well, someone has to put out the fire. I walked over the microwave as it was belching acrid smoke, and still timed to run another 4 minutes. I opened the door, unzipped my fly, and found that I had a reserve supply of piss. Fock off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
George Carlin 1 Posted March 31, 2006 I have never read one of these. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kutulu 1,554 Posted March 31, 2006 I have never read one of these. They seem to be getting longer each day so I QUIT reading them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
crackattack 513 Posted March 31, 2006 Your posts are starting to remind me of the killer in the movie Seven, all the notebooks he kept of daily anger and activities. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riddlen 1 Posted March 31, 2006 :yawn: mornin They seem to be getting longer each day so I QUIT reading them. they are funny, you are missing out. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cgod 0 Posted March 31, 2006 Much like the first robin indicates the arrival of spring, I believe the phillybear rants returning to their past brilliance is a harbinger of FFT's rise to it's former glory. Quick philly kill that fockin bird Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kutulu 1,554 Posted March 31, 2006 :yawn: morninthey are funny, you are missing out. I was kidding, as I usual am. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jjsparty68 0 Posted March 31, 2006 FOCK OFF. Seriously. I propelled the dive bombing pigeon Fock off. We had a deal!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cinciman7 2 Posted March 31, 2006 And then what happened? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jerryskids 5,248 Posted March 31, 2006 I hope CurlyNight doesn't read this one either. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Uh-huh 0 Posted March 31, 2006 phillybear should really publish these in a blog. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stop talking cheerleader 0 Posted March 31, 2006 Good Morning Guys and Gals Happy Friday Pray for me to pass my test at 1pm.....even if you don't pray....it determines my career..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
