An ode to George Carlin. Quotes and anecdotes.

[George Carlin 1]

Frisbeetarianism

 

is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck

[George Carlin 1]

Baseball and Football

 

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

 

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

 

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

 

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

 

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

 

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.

Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

 

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!

Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

 

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.

Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

 

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

 

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?

Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

 

In football you receive a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

 

In football the specialist comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

 

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.

Baseball has the sacrifice.

 

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...

In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

 

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.

Football has the two minute warning.

 

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

 

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.

In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

 

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

 

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

 

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

[George Carlin 1]

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

[patweisers44 697]

Saw him in Vegas a few years back, his first line

 

"you know what nobody talks about anymore? puzzy farts"

 

RIP George.

[thekris 0]

Here's something you never see...

 

A grown man running full speed taking a shi+

 

miss him already

[George Carlin 1]

Here's something you never see...

 

A grown man running full speed taking a shi+

 

miss him already

 

 

 

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten"

 

 

“If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter”

 

 

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like”

 

 

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”

 

 

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

 

 

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity”

 

 

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept”

 

 

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

 

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

 

 

...and you finish off as an orgasm.”

[tubby_mcgee 686]

Here's something you never see...

 

A grown man running full speed taking a shi+

 

 

Classic!

 

 

A math professor recently discovered a number between six and seven, called bleen.

[redtodd 7]

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is something you do to prevent from drowning."

[redtodd 7]

Apparently, Carlin did not like me.

 

 

[parrot 789]

"######, piss, ######, ######, cocksucker, motherfucker, and ######."

[George Carlin 1]

"Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is something you do to prevent from drowning."

 

Sailing isn't a sport, sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn't a sport, why the fock should sailing be a sport?

[kutulu 1,547]

Rat Sh1t

Bat Sh1t

Dirty Old Twat

69 Azzholes

Tied in a Knot

Hooray

Lizard Sh1t

Fock!

[edjr 5,567]

Rat Sh1t

Bat Sh1t

Dirty Old Twat

69 Azzholes

Tied in a Knot

Hooray

Lizard Sh1t

Fock!

 

 

[hitman29 0]

Bull Sh1t, fock you, up yours, get laid, eat sh1t, drop dead, jack me off, suck this, I don't need parts that badly, I'm not that sick.

[Chronic Husker 85]

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

I saw him quite a few years ago go off on his hatred of pc and pc terms. He said he couldn't wait until he was watching the news and heard a rape victim referred to as an "unwilling sperm recipient".

 

[jets24 6]

Things you never hear people say:

 

 

1. Hand me that piano

 

2. Please saw my legs off

 

3. Do what you want to the girl, just leave me my wallet.

 

 

 

 

Anyhow, having said all that, I never thought he was all that. I mean, I certainly appreciate what he meant to the comedy world, etc. but I never thought he was that funny. Sorry. I saw him twice and never thought he was very good. How many times can I hear the "what do you do with all that stuff"

routine? Oh well, just my opinion. RIP Mr. Conductor.

[MisanthropicAnthropoid 0]

Rufus!

[NewbieJr 540]

Anyhow, having said all that, I never thought he was all that. I never thought he was that funny. Sorry. I saw him twice and never thought he was very good.

 

Kinda makes me think the second show was a stupid investment.

[heavy-set 39]

i think he was overrated

[Me_2006 14]

Apparently, Carlin did not like me.

 

 

my first AND middle names are in there.

[frank 2,145]

You know what George Carlin said when he dropped a hammer on his foot?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOCK!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I made that up.

[edjr 5,567]

 

[Engorgeous George 1,176]

Found him funny whileIi was high in sixth grade.  So too Cheech and Chong.  I pretty much grew out of it by seventh grade.  Still, good laughs at the time. 

[edjr 5,567]

Just now, Engorgeous George said:

Found him funny inwhile i was high in sixth grade.  So too Cheech and Chong.  I pretty much grew out of it by seventh grade.  Still, good laughs at the time. 

That's fair. He did get kinda onry for his last few specials. I saw him live in 1990. I was 17. I fell asleep. I just didn't get his schtick. When I turned 30, it all started to make sense.