Anyone Here Been To Marriage Counseling?

[pj66jp 0]

We went back in November/December for a few weeks. The only thing that came out of it was what a pr!ck I am. When the counselor turned things on my wife & asked what her part in the problems were, she shut down & hasn't been back. I went a few weeks on my own to try & deal with some "anger" issues

 

We haven't been since before Christmas & its been pretty rocky since

 

It probably would've worked better for us if my wife had been willing to get her issues out in the open. If you go, make sure both parties are going to open up & actually try to make things better.

 

This sounds awfully familar to me, followed by lots of and now a seperation

[davebg 0]

There are a few things that my husband has problems with doing, and ITA with Rusty and Jerry that those things are trivial.

 

I also agree with Jerry that it does sound for some reason like you do think that you are superior to her...if I knew or had in inkling that my husband was out there calling me "stupid" and how can I focking not buy the right sausage, or do laundry or whatever, you bet your azz that he'd hear about it from me...that's just kinda disrespectful if you ask me...regardless if she knows you're saying these things ot not.

I think you guys are missing my point.

 

One of the core issues we have is her inability to "let go" of work and how it forces the time we do have together to be on her schedule. When that happens once in a while, that's life. When it happens all the time, that sucks.

 

Then, to see how meticulous she can be when she puts her mind to something she is interested in (work), but how careless she can be when it is something she isn't interested in (seems like most non-work, non-shopping related activities these days) it sucks even more.

 

Yes...the examples I gave you are petty things, but when you pile all of the petty things like that (and believe me, there are plenty more) on top of one another it kind of makes you feel like you have someone to care for or look after, rather than a spouse or partner.

[EndGame 0]

My wife and I went for a month or two about five years ago. We were having some severe problems with a number of things. The woman we actually was is a psychiatrist. I was shocked to find her siding with me. She basically ended up counseling my wife, saying my wife had a lot of issues left over from the breakup of her parents' marriage. The counselor essentially said that my wife was trying to sabotage our marriage because she expected it to break up on its own and she didn't want that pain. Crazy. I knew my wife had a lot of baggage, so I shouldn't have been surprised. Our marriage is pretty good now, so I'd say it was a positive experience.

[Reverend Cleophus James 0]

wake her up with a blowjob

[jerryskids 6,827]

I think you guys are missing my point.

 

One of the core issues we have is her inability to "let go" of work and how it forces the time we do have together to be on her schedule. When that happens once in a while, that's life. When it happens all the time, that sucks.

 

Then, to see how meticulous she can be when she puts her mind to something she is interested in (work), but how careless she can be when it is something she isn't interested in (seems like most non-work, non-shopping related activities these days) it sucks even more.

 

Yes...the examples I gave you are petty things, but when you pile all of the petty things like that (and believe me, there are plenty more) on top of one another it kind of makes you feel like you have someone to care for or look after, rather than a spouse or partner.

 

Congrats. You married a dude.

[CurlyNight 0]

I never did when I was married. I just knew soon after we got married that I rushed into it. I knew counseling would be a waste of money because some things you can't change, and there were too many for us to do to make it work out. He was/is a very sweet and good guy and we fit personality wise quite well, but it wasn't the best fit in other areas for the long haul. I found early on we are much better at being good friends than married, so I decided before we turned sour on each other to end it. We are both in happier places right now, and still keep in touch. GL with your situation. Hope it works out if that's what you really want.

[tctfootball 0]

I've been to counseling with both wives (serial monogomist) and have noticied a couple of things.

 

1) Each person going is thinking the therapist will totally agree with them, a good one doesn't, and the person who most wanted the sessions will be pissed.

2) The sessions are never long enough to get anything settled so early on you mostly have open wounds all week so fighting ensues.

3) Some therapist bring their own garbage into the session -- pay attention and change if you FEEL that is happening.

4) Sometimes the person most seeking the counseling really just wants someone to say "its OK to leave this marriage-- your spouse is a jerk" and will hear everything that agrees with this statement and nothing else

 

that being said--

 

IF BOTH PARTIES want to work it out the therapist can give great techniques to help communicate. Example my wife and I are complete opposites and every piece of info I give to her or recieve from her is usually in direct opposition of how she means it or understands it. Our marriage is great now. Still have emotions hurt by mis understandings - but it does not lead to major problems like in the past

 

good luck.

[Fervid Ro 0]

I think you guys are missing my point.

 

Yes...the examples I gave you are petty things, but when you pile all of the petty things like that (and believe me, there are plenty more) on top of one another it kind of makes you feel like you have someone to care for or look after, rather than a spouse or partner.

 

What was it that made you fall in love with this woman in the first place? Why did you think she was the right woman to spend the rest of your life with?

 

You don't have to answer here. But you should to yourself. If you really are considering whether to stay or stray, then give pause to reflect upon what led you to choose marriage with this person in the first place.

 

See if you can focus on the positive and see the petty bs in a new light.

 

In other words- what really matters to you?

 

Yes your lady has flaws. All women do. Can you live with her idiosyncracies and love her still?

[davebg 0]

What was it that made you fall in love with this woman in the first place? Why did you think she was the right woman to spend the rest of your life with?

 

You don't have to answer here. But you should to yourself. If you really are considering whether to stay or stray, then give pause to reflect upon what led you to choose marriage with this person in the first place.

 

See if you can focus on the positive and see the petty bs in a new light.

 

In other words- what really matters to you?

 

Yes your lady has flaws. All women do. Can you live with her idiosyncracies and love her still?

It's not a matter of stay or stray...it's stay or go.

 

We have a number of issues (not all of them discussed here) that have been brewing for a long time...some maybe since before we were married. We always kind of ignored them...or we'd argue a little, not resolve anything and then pretend everything was fine. It's just gotten to the point where I've had enough and haven't been happy for a while.

 

It's time to either work this stuff out or call it quits.

 

That's what I'm hoping counseling will help me figure out...whether we can fix the big issues and get by one another's little quirks or not.

[Fervid Ro 0]

It's not a matter of stay or stray...it's stay or go.

 

We have a number of issues (not all of them discussed here) that have been brewing for a long time...some maybe since before we were married. We always kind of ignored them...or we'd argue a little, not resolve anything and then pretend everything was fine. It's just gotten to the point where I've had enough and haven't been happy for a while.

 

It's time to either work this stuff out or call it quits.

 

That's what I'm hoping counseling will help me figure out...whether we can fix the big issues and get by one another's little quirks or not.

So that's a no, you don't remember what led you to love and choose her in the first place?

"Ignoring and pretending" is a recipe for disaster in any marriage.

 

Best of luck. Even good relationships can go through challenging times. Breakups aren't easy. at least you don't have kids.

[Slruc 0]

It really sounds like you have already made up your mind and are just going through the paces.

 

Good luck. Your situation sux and there is no easy way out.

[Fervid Ro 0]

It really sounds like you have already made up your mind and are just going through the paces.

That's what I see. Many people go through the motions of "counseling" when they have already made up their minds that it's over.

Dave- it sounds like you have little respect for your wife. Honestly, I don't know that solving the issues will matter if you think of her as stupid and beneath you. If you can't quickly list at least a couple of pros to staying (you've easily spelled out the cons) and at heart you don't respect her, counseling may well be a waste of time.

[zen 0]

If by counceling you mean "raucous group sex with five other couples, ending in her having sex with someone else's wife and all the guys spewing on the two of them", then yes, I've been to marriage counceling. It was a roaring success.

 

Fixored.

[Brown Eyed Girl 1]

I think that regardless of what it was that made him fall in love with her and marry her, we all have to agree that people and feelings change. If he loved her for a particular quality he saw in her, maybe she no longer has that quality or maybe it's there but just clouded by all of the issues standing in the way.

 

He mentioned that she has some deep family issues from her adolescence. This can play a major role in a relationship, especially if the person with the issues is reluctant to work through them or refuses to face them. It can be a living hell on their partner and I personally think it is selfish of them to not take initiative to work through them when it openly affects someone who loves them.

 

Anyway, just my 10 cents.

Carry on!

 

Also, good luck DaveBG!

[TheNewGirl 1,498]

I agree with much of what Fervie and other chicks have said (Slruc and CN). I was going to ask yesterday if you can remember why you fell in love with her...etc... I am also curious if you knew that she was like this before you got married? If you have known her for 13 years, I am assuming that at some point, you recognized that she did have these things that you don't agree with. If so, did you think that she would change after you got married?

 

My husband is much the same in some aspects. If it's work related, his drive and ambition is much higher than, say, painting a room in our house. If he has something that he deems a priority to him, it gets done much faster than things that are priorities to ME. Does it include cooking, laundry and household things? Yes. Having a clean house is VERY important to me. Is it to him? No. Only if he's having a poker game at our house - then does his azz get in gear and he cleans like a mother focker.

 

Did I notice these things before we got married? Meh, I can't remember, and I probably didn't really pay too much attention to them. Do they bother me? Sometimes. Do I address those issues with him? YES. All the time. It's ranged from YOOGE fights to smaller discussions to "Ah, whatever."

 

I do have to agree that it does sound as if your mind is made up on this situation, and that you are looking for reasons to justify or relieve yourself of any bad/hurt feelings that you might have or cause to your wife. I do hope that things do work out for the best for both of you.

[Fumbleweed 547]

Well, obviously I think marriage counseling is a good idea. I hope you will follow through with the idea and really try hard to make things work.....best wishes.

[Jeremy 0]

What has he said exactly that makes people here think his mind is made up? He's got a long list of gripes, but he's trying to work it out from what I can see.

[davebg 0]

I'd like to think that I haven't made up my mind yet...I honestly don't know if things will work out or not.

 

A few people mentioned how long she and I have been together and asked how did I feel about her then, what made me fall for her, did we always have these issues...

 

Good questions, but the thing is that was a long time ago. Sure, some of these things have been issues since we started, but when you're in your 20's you don't look for or value the same things as when you are in your 30's.

 

I always knew that some of these things were going to pose a challenge, but you figure that a smart woman like Mrs. DaveBG can learn to do some things that she didn't learn growing up. Then, when you take the time to try to teach her...only to have to try to teach her again...and again...and again...

 

It gets very frustrating and all the more difficult to try to remember, let alone focus on, the things that made me fall in love w/her in the first place.

 

Plus, we're getting to that age where if we're going to have kids now is the time. I want kids, but if it's such a burden to get her to carry her weight when it's just the two of us then WTF will happen when there's a kid crying at 4AM?

 

These are the types of questions that weren't really on my radar when I asked her to my fraternity hayride back in Oct 93.

 

Also, as I mentioned in an earlier post, these are not all our issues. In fact, the things I've discussed in this thread are really more the product of some of the real issues that we have.

[Slruc 0]

What has he said exactly that makes people here think his mind is made up? He's got a long list of gripes, but he's trying to work it out from what I can see.

 

 

As for trying to make things better...not sure whether I want to stick around or not just yet. Someone asked me if I wanted to fight for my marriage. I told them I don't know until I know what all the issues are and how much of a fight I'd have on my hands, but that I wasn't willing to give up w/out trying...hence the counseling.

 

 

So, did you guys get to resolve anything or what? One thing I am sure about is that I won't let this crap drag on forever...either things start improving or I'm off like a prom dress.

 

 

Believe me, when you don't have any kids together and stand to make a few hundred K that can be split if you sell the house...all of a sudden divorce becomes a bit more appealing than death.

 

But we're not quite there...yet.

 

 

My reply is usually along the lines of..."I'm not playing this focking game...I'm sleeping. But if you keep telling me how I feel when I don't even know how I feel, I can guarantee you one thing...eventually you WILL be right. Now STFU or hit the couch."

 

 

Just to name a few.

 

Sure he's trying but he's not really trying. He just wants to be able to say he tried and then walk away.

 

I say you either shyt or get off the pot.

 

But then I think he already commited himself to working it out when he MARRIED her which would contradict some of the above statements.

[davebg 0]

Just to name a few.

 

Sure he's trying but he's not really trying. He just wants to be able to say he tried and then walk away.

 

I say you either shyt or get off the pot.

 

But then I think he already commited himself to working it out when he MARRIED her which would contradict some of the above statements.

I can see where you'd come to your conclusion, based on the things you quoted.

 

A little background b/c I too am not w/out some baggage.

 

My folks do not get along. My dad is a supreme douche bag...he's a liar, a thief and a criminal. I barely speak to him. For whatever her reasons were/are, my mom has stayed. I have seen her be miserable in a marriage to a person she can't stand. Mrs. DaveBG and I are not there yet, but I am not going to subject myself to the same type of situation.

 

Right now I am really unhappy...have been for months now. If things do not improve I am not going fall into the same hellhole that my folks are in.

[Slruc 0]

I can see where you'd come to your conclusion, based on the things you quoted.

 

A little background b/c I too am not w/out some baggage.

 

My folks do not get along. My dad is a supreme douche bag...he's a liar, a thief and a criminal. I barely speak to him. For whatever her reasons were/are, my mom has stayed. I have seen her be miserable in a marriage to a person she can't stand. Mrs. DaveBG and I are not there yet, but I am not going to subject myself to the same type of situation.

 

Right now I am really unhappy...have been for months now. If things do not improve I am not going fall into the same hellhole that my folks are in.

 

 

I can respect that. But I think that perhaps relating your parent's realtionship to your own is a bad idea. Even same with hers.

 

Focus on yours.

 

You've grown apart you say, why have you both allowed that to happen? Growing together takes real effort. Did you both just not try? (not looking for answers to those questions). It seems like you just got married becasue it was the next thing to do.

 

I have to say that IMO most often the sex is a reflection of the whole relationship. Somewhere in that arena, you will find the root of the problem (the one that isn't sexual).

 

I don't think its the things you've listed. It seems to be a lot of resentment/lethargy/lacking.

I also think that you need to evaluate just want you expect from a marriage, and see if it matches or gels with hers. What can you offer each other and is that sufficent.

 

Give 150% and expect 50% in return. If you both do that, you'll be leaps and bounds. But it does take 2.

 

 

But then Who the helle asked me.

[CurlyNight 0]

but when you're in your 20's you don't look for or value the same things as when you are in your 30's.

I agree with this. I was 26 when I married my 34 y/o ex. We never really thought things through, and we each thought the other would change. Well that just didn't happen, so neither one of us was willing to sour our relationship or waste our time while we were still young to find someone who was right for each of us. If you have a lot of issues in addition to what you revealed here, there very well may be no solution to making it work to where you are both happy. I found when I "changed," which lasted a month before I went back to being me, I was not happy- and the same thing for him. We loved each other sure, but just couldn't keep beating ourselves to try and make it work.

 

 

I always knew that some of these things were going to pose a challenge, but you figure that a smart woman like Mrs. DaveBG can learn to do some things that she didn't learn growing up. Then, when you take the time to try to teach her...only to have to try to teach her again...and again...and again...

Being smart has nothing to do with how someone conducts themselves at home. She is who she is at whatever age she is, and she has to really want to change her ways for herself (not for you) or the change won't last.

[Fervid Ro 0]

I always knew that some of these things were going to pose a challenge, but you figure that a smart woman like Mrs. DaveBG can learn to do some things that she didn't learn growing up. Then, when you take the time to try to teach her...only to have to try to teach her again...and again...and again...

Didn't you say that this woman is an educational consultant?

 

maybe she can consult herself about how to learn new things from her highly annoyed and halfway out the door husband.

[davebg 0]

Didn't you say that this woman is an educational consultant?

 

maybe she can consult herself about how to learn new things from her highly annoyed and halfway out the door husband.

I have learned that teachers make the worst students.

[golden eagles 0]

I have learned that teachers make the worst students.

 

Funny, my wife's a teacher too

 

One of your later posts said that you were thinking kids. I'm telling you, don't do it unless you guys get past this & I mean so far past that it wouldn't come back up under any circumstances. We have 2 girls now & though I wouldn't give them back, they have made things harder on an already rocky relationship.

 

I've been reading through a this thread thinking about my own situation & while I think we'll eventually get things worked out, if we didn't have kids, my wife would probably have taken a walk a while ago. She grew up in a broken home & her step dad was/is a first class jerk, so she's made more effort than she might have so that our girls don't have to deal with what she did. It's not totally a "staying together for the kids" situation, there are other factors, but that has some play in it.

 

You don't have kids yet & I'd keep it that way unless things get much, much better for you both.

[TheNewGirl 1,498]

ITA with Slruc about the growing apart, kids, and your posts that indicate that you might have all ready made up your mind about this situation.

 

Do not bring children into this situation. So many people think that having kids will "bring them together" to fix something. No, it doesn't. Bringing a child into a relationship that is all ready rocky isn't a good idea. Your questions of how she'd be able to tolerate a child at 4AM kind of answers your question about children - you obviously don't think that she could do it, right? She relies on you to get so many other things done, you feel this would just be something else to add to your plate. You don't down right say it, but I think that your post speaks VOLUMES on how you feel about having kids with her.

 

I do agree that the things that you looked for in your 20's are different from the things that you are seeking in your 30's. I can see those differences in myself and my marriage. However, it's not vausing us to drift apart. We talk about things that we see differently, we agree to disagree (no matter how hard that is for me sometimes). How have you allowed yourselves to "drift apart?" (I am also not looking for an answer to that question, just talking out loud). Things will also be different for you when you reach your 40's, and so on. My parents are in their 50's - my father retired last December, and had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago, along with some other health problems. My mom is still working, looking to retire in a couple of years...she's flat out said that she doesn't want to retire just to stay home all the time to take care of someone who doesn't take care of himself...does that mean that she's going to leave him? No. It means that they will have to re-evaluate where they are in life and make decisions based on their current situation.

 

ITA also that you can't bring your parents and her parents relationships into yours. You are all different people. Sure, you see that your mom/dad is miserable, and you don't want to be that way. Separating may not be the answer, and working on those issues is...maybe your mom and dad never chose to work on their issues, thus resulting in the misery.

 

That said, about 20 years ago (I was 9) my dad cheated on my mom. She stayed with him, went to couseling, he moved out, he moved back home, etc etc. It took me A VERY VERY long time to realize that not ALL men do this to their wives. It wasn't until well after I met my husband that I realized that not all men are going to do this...I can't take the mistakes that my mother and father made with each other and project them onto myself and my husband. That's just not fair. While I do agree that some people do have personal issues that they need to work through, you also have to remember that while you aren't responsible for your parents actions/reactions, you can be responsible for yours.

[jerryskids 6,827]

ITA also that you can't bring your parents and her parents relationships into yours. You are all different people. Sure, you see that your mom/dad is miserable, and you don't want to be that way. Separating may not be the answer, and working on those issues is...maybe your mom and dad never chose to work on their issues, thus resulting in the misery.

 

That said, about 20 years ago (I was 9) my dad cheated on my mom. She stayed with him, went to couseling, he moved out, he moved back home, etc etc. It took me A VERY VERY long time to realize that not ALL men do this to their wives. It wasn't until well after I met my husband that I realized that not all men are going to do this...I can't take the mistakes that my mother and father made with each other and project them onto myself and my husband. That's just not fair. While I do agree that some people do have personal issues that they need to work through, you also have to remember that while you aren't responsible for your parents actions/reactions, you can be responsible for yours.

I agree with the spirit of this, but the reality is that our parental relationships are a strong influence on our expectations for our own. Heck, you said as much. My FIL was an alcoholic and his relationship with my wife while she was a teen was, ummm, rocky at best. He is sober now and they have a fine relationship, in large part due to counseling after he quit drinking.

 

It is very hard for people to let this stuff go. It took years for me to convince my wife that if I had that one extra drink, I wasn't being like her dad.

 

I'm becoming convinced that some individual therapy might help Mrs. DaveBG, prior to working on the marriage stuff.

[davebg 0]

the reality is that our parental relationships are a strong influence on our expectations for our own.

I agree. While this is about my relationship w/Mrs. DaveBG I cannot ignore how these parental relationships are effecting my marriage.

 

Mrs. DaveBG is, in large part, the person that she is b/c of her upbringing...especially her toxic relationship w/her mother.

 

Furthermore, both her parents are crazy like Cocoa Puffs...and when I start to see the same behavior in Mrs. DaveBG as I see in her parents I can't help but wonder if my future w/Mrs. DaveBG will entail enough flying over the cukoo's nest to rack up enough frequent flyer miles for our second honeymoon.

[Slruc 0]

you know, NM

 

 

I hope that your situation works out for the best, whatever that may be.

[davebg 0]

Well...I'm off to my first counseling session where both Mrs. DaveBG and I are there together.

 

This s/b fun.

 

alsonotreally

 

I guess I'll have an update tomorrow.

[CurlyNight 0]

Well...I'm off to my first counseling session where both Mrs. DaveBG and I are there together.

 

This s/b fun.

 

alsonotreally

 

I guess I'll have an update tomorrow.

 

Good luck. You got to do what's best for you in the long run. It's easier to do when there's no kids as was mentioned. Thank glorious God we didn't have kids to have to think about. Hope it all works out.

[ROBOKOP 0]

Dave, it is a big step to actually make the effort to go to counseling. That in itself should be recognized. The together counseling session may be a litle uncomfortable. This is because your wife will talk about you like you are an ass and embarass the heck out of you. She will bring up specific instances that you forgot that locked in her mind, when you might have called her sister a fat pig, or snapped at her and told her to fock off. She might even diss on your sex life. Part of this is to see you reeaction and your ability to communicate and handle conflict. When she talks, be quiet and dont argue, you will get your turn. Just explain things how they are and how you still care about the relationship. Plan to go out to lunch after the session, just to make sure things remain cordial and the intent of the counseling is met.

[davebg 0]

Well...I'm off to my first counseling session where both Mrs. DaveBG and I are there together.

 

This s/b fun.

 

alsonotreally

 

I guess I'll have an update tomorrow.

Well that sucked balls.

[CurlyNight 0]

Well that sucked balls.

Guess there's no need to go into the details with us. Sorry to hear it sucked.

[davebg 0]

Guess there's no need to go into the details with us. Sorry to hear it sucked.

I think after the session pretty much summed things up.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: What are you thinking?

 

DaveBG: I'm thinking I'm going to the gym to clear my head as soon as we get home.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: Why didn't you invite me to go w/you?

 

DaveBG:

 

Come back from the gym.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: I want to rehash everything.

 

DaveBG: Didn't we just discuss this crap for over an hour...w/ a professional who we pay mucho $$$ to? Nothing is going to get resolved in one week.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: Don't book that trip you were planning to give me for my birfday next week b/c who knows if we'll still be married by the summer.

 

DaveBG: Uh...OK

[TimmySmith 2,782]

You may want to give more detail, or less, because from the amount you gave it appears like your wife wanted to talk and you ran away.

[CurlyNight 0]

I think after the session pretty much summed things up.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: What are you thinking?

 

DaveBG: I'm thinking I'm going to the gym to clear my head as soon as we get home.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: Why didn't you invite me to go w/you?

 

DaveBG:

 

Come back from the gym.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: I want to rehash everything.

 

DaveBG: Didn't we just discuss this crap for over an hour...w/ a professional who we pay mucho $$$ to? Nothing is going to get resolved in one week.

 

Mrs. DaveBG: Don't book that trip you were planning to give me for my birfday next week b/c who knows if we'll still be married by the summer.

 

DaveBG: Uh...OK

 

She sounds passive aggressive to me. Go with your gut feeling. That's usually where the answer lies.

[Jeremy 0]

You may want to give more detail, or less, because from the amount you gave it appears like your wife wanted to talk and you ran away.

 

[davebg 0]

You may want to give more detail, or less, because from the amount you gave it appears like your wife wanted to talk and you ran away.

There was alot said in our session...I wanted to be able to clear my head and get my thoughts together w/out bringing everything that came up in our session home to argue about until next week's session.

 

If we were any good at resolving our differences by ourselves we wouldn't need to be going to couseling.

 

Plus, I just needed to blow off some steam...hence getting away to the gym.

[CurlyNight 0]

How did he run away? He went to the session with her yesterday. Hashing what was just said 2 minutes after is not always the best thing to do. He needed time to think and clear his head, and she probably should as well before they get into it again-- imo.