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The Soilost

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About The Soilost

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    Enlighting the Little People
  1. The Soilost


    No, I have Eli as No. 2, son. You show me where anyone else anywhere picked Mahomes as No. 1. PEACE. OUT.
  2. The Soilost


    And who was it who said Mahomes was No. 1? That would be The Soilost. Did anyone else in THE WORLD have him No. 1? Peace out?
  3. Folks, I humbly thank you for all the kind words from those who used my rankings last year to win their leagues. After having to lay off a year due to some court nastiness with my ex-wife over my patented software system, I was more determined than even to fine-tune my rankings even more - to great success. My comprehensive rankings have included family background, stadium volume levels, the economy, hurricanes and spirituality. Obviously, the distraction of player’s taking a knee during the National Anthem had to be factored in this year, as did the fact that so many folks decided not to watch the NFL last year. Plus the distraction caused by all these wacky presidential tweets. So here they are, my 2018 rankings: QUARTERBACK Patrick Mahomes – Mahoooommmes, Mahomes on the raaaannngge … Eli Manning – Well you better hide your heart, your loving heart. Eli’s a-comin’ and the cards say … TOUCHDOWN! Tyrod Taylor – T-bone won’t be giving Browns fans the shaft they’re all too used to. Maybe being losers will no longer be part of their culture. Browns are playoff bound. Mark it down! Case Keenum – Denver is going to get a Case full of winnin'! Ben Roethlisberger – Roethlisbunghole is motivated. Deshaun Watson – Deshaun will not desuck this year. Jimmy Garoppolo – No crapoppolo here! Russell Wilson – Still a pretty good No. 1 quarterback for your team. Jared Goff – They went to Jared! Tom Brady – He’s closer to Depends than Pop Warner, but he’s got another good year left. RUNNING BACKS Alvin Kamara – Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kameleon. You come and go. You come and go. Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams. Black and gold. Black and gold not green. Saquon Barkley – Oooooooooh Saquon you seeeeee by the dawn’s touchdown light. Kareem Hunt – Mo’ Kareem pie after the end-zone TD money shot! Jay Ajayi – Jajajajajajajajajajajajajaja!!!! Nick Chubb – Browns will get them some Chubby! Rashaad Penny – Penny lane, baby! Todd Gurley – No Gurley man here. Royce Freeman – Royce rolls. Kerryon Johnson – Kerryon my wayward son. There’ll be points when you are done. Ezekiel Elliott – Elliott won’t smelliott. WIDE RECEIVERS JuJu Smith Schuster – [philcollins] Ju-Ju-schudio! [/philcollins] Adam Thielen – He’s lookin’ California but Thielen Minnesota! Tyreek Hill – Tywreckin’ ball. Christian Kirk – Sister Christian motorin’. Devin Funchess – Bunches of Funchess! Odell Beckham Jr. – Old Bloody Jockstrap is back in the saddle. Chris Hogan – Ball-hoggin’ Hogan, they call him. Davante Adams – Has a pretty good QB throwing him the rock. Golden Tate – Tate worm all day. Kenny Stills – You can’t kill this Kenny, you bastages! Now go win your leagues! Peace out. The Soilost
  4. The Soilost


    Certain religious beliefs carry a heavier acceptance of violence than others. Other religions condemn the touching of certain body parts. It's far too complicated for a simple explanation. You just have to trust me.
  5. The Soilost


    Yeah. I beat his ass silly.
  6. Folks, it has been a sad two years since The Soilost brought you his fabled fantasy-football rankings. I was under court order not to release rankings last year following my ex-wife’s filing of a ridiculous lawsuit, which claimed that the Direct TV guy she left me for was the one who developed the software system I use for my rankings. The lawsuit claimed that the day I came home and caught them bumping uglies in my bedroom, plans for the ranking system fell out of his pocket while he scrambled to put his pants back on as I wildly swung at him with a nine iron. A few months ago, I won the legal battle, so here we are on the verge of another glorious football season. For those who don’t know me, I developed a complicated software system that takes into account myriad factors when coming up with fantasy football ranking. It takes into account family background, weather, stadium volume levels and configurations, the economy and even hurricanes. Other factors will remain secret, but I can say one factor I added this year was spirituality. A deep look was taken into every kind of religion imaginable and how that would affect a player’s performance on the field. It took a lot of research to just get all those players' religions, I tell ya. The results were astonishing, and I’m excited to share them with you. So here they are, the 2017 Soilost Rankings: QUARTERBACK 1.) Jameis Winston – Tastes good like a quarterback should. 2.) Kirk Cousins – Capt. Kirk will beam up one TD after another. 3.) Dak Prescott – Dakity schmakity doooo!!! 4.) Tom Brady – Still has skills. 5.) Carson Wentz – Good King Wentzeslas looked on feast of Sunday. When the snow lay round about crips and even. Brighly shone the stadium lights. Though the defenses were cruel. When his receiver got open, it made the fans drool. 6.) Aaron Rodgers – Rodgers will Hammerstein opposing defenses. 7.) Tom Savage – Today’s Tom Savage, he gets by on you, and the space he invades, he gets by on you. 8.) Trevor Siemian – What’s hard and full of Siemian? A submarine! And Trevs is gonna torpedo opposing defenses. 9.) Drew Brees – Still good. 10.) Brock Osweiler – Ol’ Assweiler finally gets it together this year. RUNNING BACK 1.) Kareem Hunt – Kareem pie! 2.) Leonard Fournette – He’ll be Fournettecating defenses all year. 3.) Todd Gurley – Hurly Gurley, hurly Gurley, hurly Gurley Gurley, he sang. 4.) Le’Veon Bell – Le’Veon, Le’Veon likes his money. He makes a lot, they say. 5.) Jay Ajayi – Ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja … 6.) Joe Mixon – Don’t need no fixin’. 7.) David Johnson – Some have him at No. 1. 8.) Bilal Powell – Powell! Right in da kissah! 9.) Dalvin Cook – He’ll be Dalving into the end zone! 10.) Mark Ingram – Yep. WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Antonio Brown – Good. 2.) Dez Bryant – Dez dispenser will crank out TDs. 3.) Tyreek Hill – Tyreek havoc on D’s. 4.) Michael Crabtree – Craptree’s year to shine. 5.) Golden Tate – More like golden showers for opponents. 6.) Willie Snead – You have a need for Snead. 7.) Odell Beckham Jr. – Odell lay! 8.) Brandon Marshall – I like this kid. 9.) Julio Jones – He’s got a thing going on. 10.) Mike Evans – Yes! Well that’s it for this year folks. Now go win your leagues. Peace out! The Soilost
  7. I'll never understand why the Browns won't put a lock on this talented young man. The Soilost has some unreleased information on him and what he's been up to, and my software indicates a very high probability of an explosion of success next season. He's going to be a fantasy stud wherever he lands. 35 TDs and 5,000 yards next year. Write it down. Peace out!
  8. For many years now, my predictions have set the fantasy football industry standard. My software program, simply put, belongs in the Smithsonian. The variables added over the years are unlike anything you’ll find anywhere else but right here, right now, with Fantasy Football Today, with The Soilost. Year after year, team owners have hopped on Soilost shoulders and ridden them to league championships. Some say, “Hey, Soilost, I saw four footprints in the sands of fantasy football and yet at times I only saw two.” And then The Soilost says, “Well, sons and daughters, these are the times I carried you.” Who else works in the details about family history, weather forecasts, crowd support, field composition and the economy? Who else factors in events such as hurricanes, wars and celebrities undergoing sex changes? No one but The Soilost. But it has taken a very long time to factor in perhaps the greatest factor of all: The Soilost. I have spent every waking hour of every day since the first kickoff of last season analyzing how my very predictions affected player performance, and the results are downright stunning. Little did I know that by revealing my predictions as early as I once did, actual player performance would be influenced by this. NFL players read me religiously, and I can’t imagine the psychological impact – positive and negative – my predictions have on them. So with that in mind, I’ve waited until the absolute 11th hour to release these predictions, in hopes that player performance based on them will be minimized as much as possible. They will impact a very small percentage of drafts, but at least the magic I do can help you over a more season-wide perspective. It’s all about you, the team owners, and I really need to keep it that way. So here they are: QUARTERBACKS 1.) Blake Bortles – Bortles chortles as he chunks another TD. 2.) Kirk Cousins – Gotta be better than that broken down circus dog RGIII 3.) Ryan Fitzpatrick – Shitzpatrick will be like TD diarrhea. 4.) Jameis Winston – “I” before “e” except after JAM, baby! 5.) Brian Hoyer – Your functional playing card. 6.) Tyrod Taylor – T-rod headed for the end-zone pooper. 7.) Peyton Manning – He’ll be farting dust all the way down the field one more time. 8.) Nick Foles – He won’t Foles like a cheap tent in a hurricane. 9.) Marcus Mariotta – Mucus Marcus will be all up in defense’s sinuses. 10.) Andrew Luck – As Loverboy said: “Get Luck-y.” RUNNING BACKS 1.) Jeremy Hill – We found our thrill on Jeremy Hill 2.) Carlos Hyde – All Hyde; no Jeckyll. 3.) Latavius Murray – Do the Latavius Labia End Zone Dancy Dance. Fap. Fap. Fap 4.) C.J. Anderson – Cinderblock Juice. 5.) Tevin Coleman – Who names their kid Tevin? “Tevin, go fetch my slippers and rub my corns,” grandma says. Do it for grandma, Tevin. 6.) T.J. Yeldon – Because it’s really cool to have a name with two all-cap letters and two periods. 7.) Isaiah Crowell – Mr. Crowell-y. 8.) Alfred Blue – Love you, Blue. Let those balls be released upon the land. 9.) Melvin Gordon – Melvin? 10.) Khiry Robinson – The wind blows hard against this mountain side. Across the sea into his soul. It reaches into where he cannot hide. Setting his feet upon the road. His heard is old, it holds his memories. His body burns a gemlike flame. Somewhere between the soul and soft machine, the end zone waits for him again. Khiry Robinson, down the gridiron he must travel. Khiry Robinson, through the darkness of the night. Khiry Robinson, where he is going, will you follow? Khiry Robinson, on a highway in stadium light. WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Brandin Cooks – Cookins’ up TDs. 2.) Jordan Matthews – Should get some looks. 3.) Steve Smith – Could score TDs while sitting in the stands with his son. 4.) Allen Robinson – Koo koo catchoo, Mr. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know. Whoa whoa whoa. 5.) Randall Cobb – Kern on the kerb. 6.) Golden Tate – Will shower the end zone with TDs. 7.) Brian Quick – As quick as a brick! 8.) Mike Evans – Talent. 9.) Dez Bryant – Gotta recognize. 10.) Antonio Brown – Safe pick here. Now go win your league. Peace out. The Soilost
  9. Howdy, Soilost fans! It’s time to own your league again, and The Soilost is here to make it rain! My patented, always improving software program year after year has done nothing but lead you to championship greatness, and this year will be no exception! Last year, a group of noteworthy psychologists got on Google Earth and carefully examined the players' homes and surroundings, right down to the quality of their neighbors. Two years ago, the noted psychologists analyzed every NFL player’s Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, Instagram accounts and Pinterest accounts. The year before that, the psychologists studied each player and their off-season workout habits, family life, contract situations and what mental impact the lockout had on them. I even factored in Hurricane Irene. In the past, crowd support has factored into the software. For this year’s rankings, I took a step further and got an early start by hand picking a team of sonologists to be at every NFL game to measure and analyze sound and how that affected each play. Then I factored that into how it would affect each team in each game of the upcoming season It was my most complicated undertaking yet, and I think you’ll be pleased with the results. Here are my 2014 rankings: QUARTERBACKS 1.) Ryan Fitzpatrick – They won’t be calling him Shitzpatrick after this season! 2.) Colin Kaepernick – His name sounds like some kind of ancient astronomist, and he’ll be chucking the pigskin all the way to Uranus! 3.) Nick Foles – Could become the greatest quarterback of our time. 4.) Tom Brady – He’ll have defenses’ panties in a bunch once again! 5.) Geno Smith – Geno ain’t no pizza poo. 6.) Peyton Manning – He’ll be Peytoning the end zones red! 7.) Cam Newton – His success will not be some Fig Newton of your imagination! 8.) Johnny Manziel – If he can keep from rolling up a Benjamin and snorting up the chalk lines, he’ll be fine. 9.) Matt Schaub – Ol’ Schwabby Pants will wipe away the tears and defensive end fecal matter from his face and return to glory. 10.) Tony Romo – His passes will see more ribs than a Nazi prison camp. RUNNING BACKS 1.) Bishop Sankey – There’ll be a lot of Sankeying the Bishop into Tennessee opponents’ end zones! 2.) Montee Ball – Gonna make a touchdown deal! 3.) Rashad Jennings – The hillbilly terrorist will cook up some touchdowns. 4.) Ben Tate – He’ll Tateworm right into the end zone. 5.) Khiry Robinson - And here's to you, Mr. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know. 6.) Jamaal Charles – Still good. 7.) Alfred Morris – Morris – he’s a kitty cat. And he meow, meow, meows and he meow, meow, meows. 8.) Zac Stacy – He’ll be Zacking off in opponents’ end zones. 9.) Arian Foster – It’s an Arian Nation, and we just get to live in it. 10.) Matt Forte – Going to the Mattresses! WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Demaryius Thomas – When the moon is in the Seventh House. And Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the plants. And love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Demaryius. Age of Demaryius. Demaryiusssssss! De-mar-eee-usssssss!!! Let the freakin’ sun shine in! 2.) Cordarrelle Patterson – Mr. Cordarrelle Pants will sashay into the end zone with style. 3.) Jordy Nelson – Jordy Pordy Puddin’ and Pie. Will kiss the end zone and make them cry! 4.) T.Y. Hilton – It’s fun to stay at the T-Y-C-A. 5.) Calvin Johnson – Another year not being a Megabust. 6.) Dez Bryant – Dez Dispenser. 7.) Julio Jones – He’s Julio like that. 8.) Miles Austin – Austin is now the capital of Ohio! 9.) Marvin Jones – Hopefully he won’t shoot anyone like that other Marvin. 10.) Michael Crabtree – Since when the hell do crabs grow on trees? Now go win your league! Peace out! The Soilost
  10. Howdy, Soilost fans! It’s time to own your league again, and you know my picks will be money! My patented software program once again has been upgraded and is better than ever. Last year, I brought my trusty group of crack psychologists together and had them sign up for analyze every NFL player’s Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, Instagram accounts and Pinterest accounts. The year before that, I convened the psychologists to study each and every player and their off-season workout habits, family life, contract situations and what mental impact the lockout had on them. I even factored in Hurricane Irene. For this year’s rankings, I stretched those folks to the limit and not only had them re-analyze all of those things, but they were tasked with getting on Google Earth and carefully examining the players' homes and surroundings, right down to the quality of their neighbors. (You wouldn't believe some of the vehicles they drive and the hotness of their wives/girlfriends! And all that was factored into the rankings.) What I came up with is nothing short of being a cornucopia of awesomeness. Here you go: QUARTERBACKS 1.) Colin Kaepernick – Kaepernickus can chunk it past Uranus and beyond! 2.) Russell Wilson – Wiiilson! 3.) Carson Palmer – Locked, loaded and ready to saddle it up big-time. 4.) Ryan Tannehill – Ol’ Tannenbottom will return the Dolphins to greatness. 5.) Andrew Luck – Luck don’t suck. 6.) Sam Bradford – Sam the butcher, bringing St. Louis the meat. 7.) Blaine Gabbert – Gabbert Gabbert we accept you, we accept you one of us! 8.) Aaron Rodgers – Still pretty good. 9.) Andy Dalton – Raggedy Andy will stomp the stuffing out of defenses. 10.) EJ Manuel – The Electric Jellybean will bring it. RUNNING BACKS 1.) C.J. Spiller – Spiller the wine, take that pearl! 2.) Lamar Miller – Miller time. 3.) Eddie Lacy – His man tank is full of awesome. 4.) Giovani Bernard – Had Mozart composed something about this Giovani, it would have been in the key of K – for kicking ass! 5.) Chris Ivory – This kid will run through defenses like soap through a kindergartener. 6.) Alfred Morris – Morris the Touchdownasaurus. 7.) Reggie Bush – We’ll see more Bush this year than a Bangkok ho-house! 8.) Darren McFadden – The McFatwaggon will roll over defenses. 9.) Montee Ball - Montee gonna ball all day. 10.) Adrian Peterson – Whackity schmackity doo! WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Pierre Garcon – Defenses will see a whole lot of Pierre derriere! 2.) Anquan Boldin – Boldinly going where no man has gone before. 3.) T.Y. Hilton – He’ll make defenders looking like Hotel 6. 4.) Dez Bryant – No longer starts his day with a big cup of dumbass. 5.) Torrey Smith – The Torreyizer will kill it. 6.) A.J. Green – The Atomic Juice definitely be a Top 10 receiver. 7.) Antonio Brown – Defenses will get tired of this Brown star. 8.) Julio Jones – Julio TDglesias! Hoo! 9.) Danny Amendola – Got a last name that sounds like a stringed instrument in an orchestra. Look at me, I’m playing the freakin’ amendola! 10.) Calvin Johnson – Still pretty good. No go win your league. Peace out, The Soilost
  11. Hello folks! Another fantasy year is upon us, so it’s time for my can’t-miss picks as you head into your drafts, armed with an edge that only The Soilost can give you. As many of you know, I work a ridiculous number of critical variables into my patented software program, which improves year after year. Weather, field conditions, fan support, upbringings, etc., all are part of it. Last year, I convened a team of psychologists to study each and every player and their off-season workout habits, family life, contract situations and what mental impact the lockout had on them. I even factored in Hurricane Irene. This year, I brought those same psychologists together and had them sign up for every NFL player’s Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, Instagram accounts and Pinterest accounts, and boy was that telling. I could write a book about what they came up with, but for now you’ll just have to savor my 2012 player rankings. QUARTERBACKS 1.) Matt Stafford – This Stafford infection will make opposing D’s skin rot. 2.) Matt Schaub – He’ll be Schaub nobbin’ the end zone. 3.) John Skelton – He may be a passer, but he ain’t no dancer. Helter Skelton. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. 4.) Ryan Fitzpatrick – Puttin’ on The Fitz. 5.) Peyton Manning – It's Peyton's place now! 6.) Joe Flacco – His Flacculence will most certainly air it out. 7.) Andy Dalton – A. Dalton End-Zone Store. 8.) Aaron Rogers – Airing Aaron will put up some points. 9.) Tom Brady – This Brady Bill will be a head shot to defenses. 10.) Drew Brees – They call him The Brees. He keeps blowin’ down the field. He ain’t got him nobody. He don’t carry him that load. RUNNING BACKS 1.) DeMarco Murray – DeMarco. Polo! DeMarco. Polo! DeMarco. Polo! 2.) Donald Brown – Donald will duck his way into the end zone with regularity. 3.) Cedric Benson – Will be smoking defenses like Benson and Hedges. 4.) Stevan Ridley – Ridley me this, Batman, isn’t it time for a solid workhorse NE back? 5.) Evan Royster – Rolls Royster will scoring with style. 6.) Adrian Peterson – Peterbeater will rise again. 7.) Chris Johnson – Gonna come back huge this year. 8.) Isaac Redman – Will be giving defenses a case of the red ass! 9.) Ray Rice – He’ll pilaf down the field. 10.) LeSean McCoy – He LeWon’t McSuck. WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Eric Decker – Hit the Decker! 2.) Julio Jones – Matt and Julio down by the school yard. 3.) Larry Fitzgerald – Gets some red-zone Skelton throwing to him. 4.) Percy Harvin - Say it with a lisp. 5.) Darrius Heyward-Bey – Heyward! Ho-ward! Let’s go-ward! 6.) Victor Cruz – The end zone is Victor’s vector 7.) Jeremy Maclin – Holy Maclin! 8.) Roddy White – Still awesome. 9.) Pierre Garcon – RG to PG! Woot! 10.) Calvin Johnson – Pretty good. Now go win your league! PEACE OUT!
  12. http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=387359&st=0&gopid=4546001entry4546001