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The Soilost

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About The Soilost

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    Exposing conspiracy theories. Meeting Q's needs.

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  1. So Week 1 turned out to be a disaster for your fantasy team. Those with Aaron Rogers must feel like their fantasy year is over before it began. Derrick Henry pooped the bed, as did Mike Evans. You know my word is gold, and my fantasy prognosticating is the world's best Well here's a little Soilost advice I've only shared with a select few in the past, something you need to do RIGHT NOW to save your season: PANIC!
  2. The Soilost

    I don't like metal

    I'm sure metal feels the same way about you, Capt. Crabbypants.
  3. The Soilost


    It already has. This guy came over to fix my septic tank earlier. Seemed trustworthy. I was on my porch, trying to wrap my head around what my software was producing. I see turkey vultures overhead. Circling. Circling. Circling. And then all of a sudden we have a suicide bomber outside Kabul. Coincidence? Nope. It's NEVER a coincidence. 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10. J. It's all about J.
  4. The patented software used to make my league-winning picks over the years has incorporated everything from turf brands, allergies, pandemics, fan noise and hurricanes to family background and religious beliefs. Last year, I selected Josh Allen as the No. 1 fantasy QB. Guess who wound up being the No. 1 fantasy QB? But much has changed in the past year for The Soilost. I used my patented software to analyze conspiracy theories, and the results were mind-altering. That said, I have become a devoted member of Qanon, whose secret leader is a Silverback Geek I am not at liberty to disclose, lest he strike me down with a wave of his hand and turn me into a greasy spot. I simultaneously ran Qanon and my usual fantasy-football information through the software, and it came up 10 10 10 10 10 10. The 10th letter of the alphabet is J. Plugging that into the software, a clear pattern emerged for this year's fantasy rankings. Every player on my list has the letter "J" in his name. So here you have it, the 2021 Soilost rankings: QBs 1.) Josh Allen - Does he ever get tired of being so ... amazing? 2.) Justin Herbert - He'll be Justin side her end zone all day. 3.) Jalen Hurts - Hurts so good. Come on, baby, make it Hurts so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should. 4.) Lamar Jackson - Still pretty good. 5.) Joe Burrow - He'll burrow into defenses like a chigger on a lawn-maintence guy. 6.) Justin Fields - Let him take you down, 'cause we're going to Justin Fields. Nothing is real. And nothing to get hung about. Justin Fields 4 ever. 7.) Jarod Goff - It's a good thing his first name isn't Jack! 8.) Jameis Winston - He tastes good like he should. 9.) Mac Jones – Fleetwod Mac will displace Olivia Newton Portojohn in no time. 10.) Jimmy Garapollo - Hopefully he won't be the Crapollo we've seen in pre-season. RBs 1.) Najee Harris - Najee Najee boo boo!! 2.) J.K. Dobbins - And if Dobby does this wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the top of M&T Bank Stadium! 3.) Joe Mixon - Mixon is fixin' to bust loose. 4.) Aaron Jones - The Lord said to Moses, "Tell Aaron, 'Take your staff and stretch out your hand over the grass at Lambeau Field - over the end zones and grass, over the goal lines and yard markers - and they will turn to beer.' Beer will be everywhere in Green Bay, in every cuppeth, bowl and crotch protector. 5.) Josh Jacobs – Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in the NFL. And I say unto you, That many shall come from the opposing team, and shall try to tackle Abraham, Isaac and Jacobs, in the kingdom of Vegas. But the opponents of Jacobs shall be cast out into the desert, where there will be weeping and chafing of thighs among the crapper-busting fatties from another land. 6.) Jonathan Taylor – As soon as he had finished speaking to Coach Reich, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of Good King Wentzeslas, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Reich took hm that day and would not let him return to the bench. Then Jonathan made a cornveneant with Wentzeslas ... And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe ... wait what the hell is going on here? 7.) James Robinson – Rockin' Robinson. Tweedle lee dee dee dee! 8.) Javonte Williams – Javonte sauce! 9.) David Johnson – Staying out of the massage parlors! 10.) Jamaal Williams - He'll be in while Swifterpickerupper nurses his lady parts. WRs 1.) Justin Jefferson – Jefferson Scareplane! 2.) A.J. Brown – He's big, bad A.J. Brown. Meanest wide receiver in the whole dang town. Stronger than ol' King Kong. Meaner than a junkyard dog. 3.) Diontae Johnson – His team will be stroking this Johnson for TDs! 4.) Odell Beckham Jr. – Odellay! 5.) Jerry Jeudy – Jeudy blue eyes! 6.) D.J. Moore – Moore than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me. 'Cause I'd already know. 7.) Julio Jones – Julio TDglesias jacks off in outter spacesias. 8.) Ju Ju Smith Schuster – Here come old Steelers. They come grooving up slowly. They got Ju Ju eyeball. He one holy roller. He got taters down to his knees. Got to be a player he just do what he please. 9.) Marvin Jones – Mr. Jones and me. Tell each other fairy tales. And we stare at the beautiful end zone. It's looking at you. 10.) Ja'Marr Chase – Ja'scoringmachine! That’ll do it for this year folks. Now go win your league! Peace out! The Soilost
  5. The Soilost

    GEEK of the DECADE volume 2 :updated

    I second the Hardcore troubadour nomination and predict that he will win.
  6. The Soilost

    Trump Accountability Project

    Rusty is on point here. It's about time for the far right to shut up and fall in line.
  7. The Soilost

    Robin Williams last interview

    Wow, Peenie, that's a name I haven't seen in a long time!
  8. The Soilost


    "1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire!"
  9. The patented software used to make my league-winning picks over the years has incorporated everything from fan noise and hurricanes to family background and field types. But nothing presented a challenge like factoring in a pandemic, complicated virology, changes in season preparations, player blood types, the altered schedule and where and how many fans will fill stadium seats. The work on upgraded software began long before the first U.S. COVID-19 case. Not long after the disease's discovery in December 2019, I flew to Wuhan, China, to study the virus and its effects on humans. My work took on an almost spy-like method of operation as I skillfully dodged Chinese authorities and even went so far as disguising myself as a hospital worker to get a closer look at COVID patients. I got out before Trump's travel ban in February, hiding in a barrel on a fishing boat bound for Vietnam, but not before the collection of data harvested 20 hours a day, seven days a week, for more than a month. That's right, folks, I did this for you, my loyal followers who have been dominating your leagues for years thanks to my expertise. So here you have it, the 2020 Soilost rankings: QBs 1.) Josh Allen - Oh, by Josh, by golly. It's time for pigskin and holly. Running guys and cheerleader thighs. And folks spreading a disease or two. As they whisper, "The NFL is back!" to you. 2.) Drew Lock - They're screaming TDs. They're screaming at you. Lock up the Broncos. Lock up the Broncos, yeah, yeah, yeah. 3.) Tom Brady - A modern-day warrior. Mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Brady. Mean, mean pride. 4.) Lamar Jackson - Still pretty good. 5.) Teddy Bridgewater - Like a bridge over Teddy waters. 6.) Cam Newton - Sir Newton will be dropping TDs like Galileo dropped the orange. 7.) Patrick Mahomes - Still belongs on this list. 8.) Phillip Rivers - Left a good job in L.A. Workin' for no fans every night and day. But he never lost one minute of sleepin'. Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been. Big arm keep on throwin'. Now his team won't be blowin'. Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the Rivers. 9.) Dwayne Haskin – 10.) Joe Burrow - Hopefully the wheels won't be off this Burrow by Week 4 as the Bungholes face a questionable season. RBs 1.) C.Edwards-Helaire - The fresh prince of Helaire! 2.) J.K. Dobbins - J.K. stands for JUST KICKASS! 3.) Derrick Henry - Derrick Henry was about three days old. Sittin' on his papa's knee. He picked up a pigskin and put cleets on his feet; Said, "Football's gonna be the death of me, Lord, Lord. Football's gonna be the death of me." 4.) Ezekiel Elliott - Ezekiel: "Hey Tony! Guess what I did last night?" Tony Romo: "Don't you ... bring my mother into this!" Ezekiel: "I built that fire over there! ... Then I boinked you mother next to it!" 5.) Leonard Fournette – Little red Fournette. Baby, you're much too fast, oh. Little red Fournette. You need a team that's gonna last. 6.) Antonio Gibson – 7.) Devin Singletary – There isn't a Singletary reason he shouldn't score up a storm this year. 8.) Cam Akers – Cam Akers is the place to be. L.A. livin' is the life for he. Smog spreadin' out so far and wide. Keep the country, just give him that glamour side. 9.) Kareem Hunt – Kareem Abdul-JaTouchdown! 10.) D'Andre Swift - Swiftdelicious. WRs 1.) Chris Godwin – In a Godwin Da Vida, honey. Don't you know that I'm lovin' you? In a Godwin Da Vida, baby. Don't you know that he'll always be true. 2.) Will Fuller – Who is DeShaun going to throw it to? Brandon Cooks? Hahahahahahaha!!! 3.) CeeDee Lamb – Lamb of God. #headbang. 4.) Michael Thomas – Some might rank him higher than this. 5.) Jalen Reagor – Van Jalen! 6.) Terry McLaurin – 7.) Deebo Samuel – Deebop Deebop. 8.) Adam Thielen – Thielen, nothing more than Thielen, Trying to forget my Thielen of love. 9.) Courtland Sutton – If I'm going to rank Drew Lock so high, I guess I better put one of his receivers in the Top 10. 10.) D.K. Metcalf – D.K. stands for Double Kickass! That’ll do it for this year folks. Now go win your league! Peace out! The Soilost
  10. It has taken me more than a decade of study, heartache, money and time to perfect my time-tested fantasy rankings. The mind-numbing array of software-program facets has incorporated everything from hurricane activity to religious beliefs, crowd volume to off-field family drama, soil composition of natural fields to uniform colors, and so much in between. And when The Soilost told you to take Patrick Mahomes with your top pick last year, did you listen? And when The Soilost told you to put Saquon Barkley and Alvin Kamara atop your RB list, did you listen? Well, The Soilost’s starters last year included Mahomes, Barkley and Kamara en route to destroying his league last year, slaughtering opponents with his weekly high scores. So what am I doing to tweak this year’s software program? NOTHING. That’s all caps, bolded, italicized and underscored. With that, I give you this year’s rankings: QBs 1.) Baker Mayfield – B-b-b-baker and the Browns! 2.) Patrick Mahomes – Momma, momma I’m comin’ Mahomes. 3.) Drew Brees – They call him The Brees. He just keeps blowin’ down the field. He will carry him the load. 4.) Kyler Murray – His Murray-up offense will befuddle opponents. 5.) Jacoby Brissett – This Briss will slice opposing meat to the nutsack. 6.) Joe Flacco – Mile-high Flacculence! 7.) Lamar Jackson – He got drafted in a fever. Hotter than a pepper sprout. We’ve been talkin’ ‘bout Jackson, ever since from college he got out. 8.) Derek Carr – Asked this guy what he wanted to be. He said, “Baby, just a QB. I want to be famous, a star on the field.” So they gave him an NFL deal. Baby, you can throw my ball. All the plays you’ll get to call. Baby, you can throw my ball. And maybe I’ll love you. Hut-hut, hut-hut, yeah! 9.) Jameis Winston – He’ll Win-ston. He’ll Lose-ston. 10.) Aaron Rogers – This Rogers’ neighborhood won’t have any cozy sweaters, comfortable shoes or creepy-assed puppets. RBs 1.) Damien Williams – Damien! Damien! Damien! Look at me! I’m over here! Damien, I love you! … Look at me, Damien! It’s all for you! Aaaaaaaaarrrgggg … silence .. 2.) Alvin Kamara – Bitchin’ Kamara! Bitchin’ Kamara! 3.) Chris Carson – Heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrre’s CHRIS! 4.) Devin Singletary –Devination, cross the nation, an infestation, with endzone masturbation. 5.) James White – Catch that funky football James White. Catch that funky football right. Lay down the route tree and catch that funky football ‘til you die! 6.) Derrius Guice – Squeeze me baby, until the Guice runs down my field. 7.) Josh Jacobs – This Jacobs ladder will take you to the fantasy-league tops. 8.) Duke Johnson – Football knows it is and always will/Be one of the things that life just won’t quit/But here are some of football’s pioneers/That time will not allow us to forget/For there’s Sanders, Faulk and Campbell/And the king of all Sir Duke/And with a voice like Watson’s ringing out/There’s no way the team can lose. 9.) Tony Pollard – The annual Cowgirls drama will create Pollardtown, who will give them something to whine about next year. 10.) Miles Sanders – I know you’ve deceived me, now here’s a surprise/I know that you have ‘cause there’s magic in his thighs. He can run for miles and miles and miles and miles/Oh yeah. WRs 1.) Tyreek Hill – The KC Hillbillies! 2.) D.J. Moore – And there goes the last D.J. Who plays what he wants to play. And says what he wants to say. Hey hey hey. And there goes your freedom of choice. There goes the last human voice. And there goes the last D.J. 3.) N’Keal Harry – When Harry met Bill. 4.) Adam Thielen – Thielen, nothing more than Thielen/Trying to forget their Thielen of love/Teardrops rolling down opponents’ faces/Trying to forget their Thielen of love. 5.) Tyler Lockett – He’s rich and he’s happy. He’s loaded and kind. He’s short but he’s healthy, yeah. He’s high but he’s grounded. He’s sane but he’s overwhelmed. He’s lost but he’s hopeful, baby. What it all comes down to is that your team will be fine, fine, fine. Cause you got one hand in Tyler Lockett, and the other one is giving a high five. 6.) Christian Kirk – Capt. Kirk will beam up some TDs this year. 7.) Odell Beckham Jr. – How could he not flourish in the Brown’s system? 8.) Calvin Ridley – Believe or not, sugar pickles. 9.) James Washington – It is far better to be alone than in bad company. Winning, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth. Guard against the postures of pretended Patriots. Experience teaches us that it is much easier to prevent the other team from scoring than it is to create a turnover after they have got possession. 10.) Courtland Sutton – Courtland, you gotta live it every day/Let the broken hearts stand/As the price they’ve gotta pay/He’ll keep pushin’ till it’s understood/And this Courtland starts treating us good. That’ll do it for this year folks. Now go win your league! Peace out!
  11. The Soilost


    No, I have Eli as No. 2, son. You show me where anyone else anywhere picked Mahomes as No. 1. PEACE. OUT.
  12. The Soilost


    And who was it who said Mahomes was No. 1? That would be The Soilost. Did anyone else in THE WORLD have him No. 1? Peace out?
  13. Folks, I humbly thank you for all the kind words from those who used my rankings last year to win their leagues. After having to lay off a year due to some court nastiness with my ex-wife over my patented software system, I was more determined than even to fine-tune my rankings even more - to great success. My comprehensive rankings have included family background, stadium volume levels, the economy, hurricanes and spirituality. Obviously, the distraction of player’s taking a knee during the National Anthem had to be factored in this year, as did the fact that so many folks decided not to watch the NFL last year. Plus the distraction caused by all these wacky presidential tweets. So here they are, my 2018 rankings: QUARTERBACK Patrick Mahomes – Mahoooommmes, Mahomes on the raaaannngge … Eli Manning – Well you better hide your heart, your loving heart. Eli’s a-comin’ and the cards say … TOUCHDOWN! Tyrod Taylor – T-bone won’t be giving Browns fans the shaft they’re all too used to. Maybe being losers will no longer be part of their culture. Browns are playoff bound. Mark it down! Case Keenum – Denver is going to get a Case full of winnin'! Ben Roethlisberger – Roethlisbunghole is motivated. Deshaun Watson – Deshaun will not desuck this year. Jimmy Garoppolo – No crapoppolo here! Russell Wilson – Still a pretty good No. 1 quarterback for your team. Jared Goff – They went to Jared! Tom Brady – He’s closer to Depends than Pop Warner, but he’s got another good year left. RUNNING BACKS Alvin Kamara – Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kam-a-Kameleon. You come and go. You come and go. Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams. Black and gold. Black and gold not green. Saquon Barkley – Oooooooooh Saquon you seeeeee by the dawn’s touchdown light. Kareem Hunt – Mo’ Kareem pie after the end-zone TD money shot! Jay Ajayi – Jajajajajajajajajajajajajaja!!!! Nick Chubb – Browns will get them some Chubby! Rashaad Penny – Penny lane, baby! Todd Gurley – No Gurley man here. Royce Freeman – Royce rolls. Kerryon Johnson – Kerryon my wayward son. There’ll be points when you are done. Ezekiel Elliott – Elliott won’t smelliott. WIDE RECEIVERS JuJu Smith Schuster – [philcollins] Ju-Ju-schudio! [/philcollins] Adam Thielen – He’s lookin’ California but Thielen Minnesota! Tyreek Hill – Tywreckin’ ball. Christian Kirk – Sister Christian motorin’. Devin Funchess – Bunches of Funchess! Odell Beckham Jr. – Old Bloody Jockstrap is back in the saddle. Chris Hogan – Ball-hoggin’ Hogan, they call him. Davante Adams – Has a pretty good QB throwing him the rock. Golden Tate – Tate worm all day. Kenny Stills – You can’t kill this Kenny, you bastages! Now go win your leagues! Peace out. The Soilost
  14. The Soilost


    Certain religious beliefs carry a heavier acceptance of violence than others. Other religions condemn the touching of certain body parts. It's far too complicated for a simple explanation. You just have to trust me.