Fantasy Football Girls

[KSB2424 3,086]

With the year in imaginary sports coming to an end, let us examine some of the more crucial moves of the season, by comparing the players on your team to every girl you've ever been involved with.

 

Lamont Jordan

Drafting him in the 8th round, was like dating a really hot girl from another school. All your friends were jealous. This girl gave you five of the best weeks of your life, and then suddenly moved to Canada. Now, all the other pretty girls already have prom dates, and you are stuck having to ask out Musa Smith.

 

Andre Johnson

A buddy of yours always used to brag about his ex-girlfriend, telling you detailed stories about how she would have sex with him in fast food restaurants or funeral homes. This girl was unbelievable and you had to find out for yourself. Unfortunately, in the time since they were together, she became a hardcore Mormon (which is the same as hurting your knee). You now have to wait nearly an entire season for her to give it up all the while knowing that she went down on your buddy in a Kmart dressing room on their first date.

 

Marc Bulger

She had been dating the same guy for three years. She used to be hot, but time has not been well to her, and she has lost that sparkle in her eye. Still, you couldn’t resist picking up the leftovers. Just like this girl, Bulgers body had already seen too much wear and tear, and he had a mad tendency for giving it up to people on the other team.

 

Eli Manning

What a disappointment! Her sister was so hot, and put up such good numbers. You’ll probably keep dating her, but will eventually realize that she has much smaller breasts and one more conversation about Young Jeezy or the Real World Road Rules Challenge will cause you to stab yourself in the throat with her pink ipod nano.

 

Lee Evans

You still can’t figure this girl out. You know she’s only going to let you down, but you fall for her anyways. After a few good weeks together, she screws three guys in the bathroom during her shift at Hooters, and gives you herpes. You know she’s not keeper material, but your low self-esteem keeps you coming back for more.

 

Ronald Curry

His first few weeks of performing well is the equivalent of hearing a rumor about a girl being involved in a crazy three-way with one of her best friends. Even though she wasn’t that attractive, you immediately asked her out, only to later find that the rumor was about someone totally different. You keep her number programmed in your phone, just in case Randy Moss sprains his ankle.

 

Vernon Davis

This girl always showed up at the party looking really hot. If you got to her early, you may have gotten something out of it, maybe seventy five yards and a touchdown, but if you missed your twenty minute window , she had already thrown up rum punch all over her new white sweater.

 

Donovan McNabb

If you drafted this guy, it was the equivalent of trying to date a hot ass prostitute. You knew exactly what you were getting into, so don’t act surprised when you walk in to find her getting donkey punched by her cocaine dealer.

 

Derek Anderson

The exact equivalent of the nerdy brunette girl in the 80’s movie with the glasses and hair pulled up in a pony-tail. You took a chance on her, maybe because someone bet you that you couldn’t make her prom queen, and it paid off big. Once she got contacts and let her hair down, she was one of the top QB’s in the league.

 

Ahman Green / Reggie Brown / Tatum Bell

It’s not completely your fault. They looked pretty good after a case of Budwieser.

 

Tom Brady

She’s smoking hot, smart and funny. Somehow she gets all your jokes and also thinks you are attractive. She encourages you to spend more time with your friends, and waits at your apartment in nothing but one of your work shirts until you get home. You drafted him in a keeper league, and haven’t looked back since.

 

[stosher1 0]

[CornKobb 48]

 

very nice work.......... i enjoyed..... thanks for sharing.

[swirvenirvin 25]

You actually posted something funny

[p00h 85]

That Vernon is my kinda gal!

 

[Parkers99 0]

 

Very nice read over morning cofee.

[CurleyQ 0]

Very funny!

[KSB2424 3,086]

Add your own!

 

Brett Favre

Your highschool buddies older sister. You remember her from back in the day when she was really hot but haven't seen her in a while. All your current friends tell you that she is way to old and way past her prime. You took a chance on her anyway because all the other good looking younger chicks were taken, and it payed off huge. This cougar showed you tricks you've never seen before, brought along other girls, and put out everytime. Hell, you even took her home to Mom and Dad.

[Celticspride 0]

Shaun Alexander

 

An older girl who was prom queen in her day. Used to be really hot and great in bed. Was up for anything. But she's getting a little older and your friends warn you, but its an easy score so you can't refuse, hoping for a little fun...the definition of sloppy seconds. Because of her past "glory days" she's damaged goods and you catch HIV and your fantasy season is over because of her...

[p00h 85]

Cedric Benson

 

 

1/2 your friends think she's hot, the other 1/2 think she's busted. You go for it. She's not an expensive date, but not a cheap one either. You feel the price is just right, but its blue balls city every single time. Then she breaks her leg, but by this time its too late to find another hot piece of ass. You retire for the winter, hoping not to fall for a cocktease like Cedric again next year...

[alldayarbymojo 0]

Award winning! LMAO and spit my drink all over the keyboard! Some of the best analogies I have ever seen.

 

In light of that, I will add the next girl...

 

Maurice Jones Drew:

She's like the foreign exchange student from Brazil that sits next to you in chemistry. Boomin' body, all kinds of rumors about her wild ways, even has a cool name.(MoJo). You wait the whole class period each day to see her drop her pencil just to catch a glimpse of that prized Brazilian rump (85 yard screen pass for a TD). The only problem is her translator came with her, carries all her supplies and never gives her a chance to move from her seat (Fred Taylor/ David Garrard get all the action). You stay worked up all year in hopes to hook up with her, but you only get a few cleavage shots when you are going to sharpen your pencil. (1 yd TD's) And with your luck, she will be in a different class than you next year wearing nothing but low-rise jeans and thong underwear. (if ya don't keep him he will blow up on ya)

[Filthy Fernadez 2,696]

Frank Gore

 

 

You remember this gal. You picked her above all else, deciding she was your #1 and you'd ride that all year long. After a couple good weeks where you were teased into thinking you'd get the payoff, she grows cold for the next 8 weeks. After much begging and pleading to no avail, you give up on her and instead take out her ugly a$$ sister MJD who at least gives you a handjobbie. The very same week (#12) you give up on her, you find out she came to your house with her twin sister and pulled a threesome with your best friend. He lets you know over and over again that it was a near religious experience and he's moving to Tibet to find meaning in all of this. P.S. You put her back on her pedestal this week in Carolina only to find out she got the clap from your friend.

[Coach3K 0]

Ron Dayne

 

You fell in love with her as a young beauty pageant queen when you were in Junior High, but High School has not kind to her since she discovered Chunky Monkey and joined the choir. She's still kind of cute, though, and since she will give a BJ to just about anybody, the desperate boys line up when the hot girls are all taken. But, she's mostly just used up. Every once in a while, she'll surprise somebody and go all the way, so guys keep coming back hoping to be the one who scores big, but it usually takes a lot of alcohol for both of them, and half the time, she just passes out after throwing up on your bucket seats.

[BirdBradyBobbyOrr 0]

Laurence "Kool Aid" Maroney

 

This girl had great hair, and moves, plus she was part of the Fab 5 along with, Brady, Moss, Watson, and Welker. Dating Maroney meant you'd be cool all year. You asked her out before any of the other guys (5th overall) because you thought she was special and with friends like the Fab 5 she was a can't miss cool chick for the Prom and Playoffs. Of course come to find out that she's not allowed to attend any dances or stay out late so you'll never score with her and when she does go out she doesn't like to dance, f--- u--- ck or score touchdowns.

[KSB2424 3,086]

Drew Brees

You keep hearing a rumor that last years prom queen has the clap. She walks around school with her head down in shame and her boyfriend breaks up with her; But you just don't care because this is your only shot at talking to her as she wouldn't have given you the time of day before. You two become close in her time of need and she loves you for it. Suddenly it is realized that she was mis-diagnosed and only had a urinary tract infection. The next two months are filled with walks on the beach, moonlight kisses, movie theatre blowjobs, and deep bombs to Marques Colsten.

 

[slamNJ 0]

Travis Henry

 

Girl with a good history and in a good situation. Asking her out was a match made in heaven. Then you find out she has been around the block a million times, a drug addict, and has nine kids at home.

[p00h 85]

Adrian Peterson

 

 

Hottest young cutie that just turned 18, and you somehow landed her. Hot as a model, face, body, everything. On top of that, she puts out always. A true giver, asking for nothing in return. You ride and you ride her till your balls damn near fall off, until you break her back! And yet she wants to get back to being ridden as soon as possible. Meanwhile you're boning her sister the molestor, and loving it. You're willing to alternate with either, or even have a 3 way, depending on the circumstance...

[patweisers44 709]

Brandon Jacobs

 

Good looking gal with a nice body. Unfortunately she has a rare disease called Menstratum Oftenicus which causes her to be unavailable to perform as often as the normal girl is available to.

[Captain Goomy Noomy Roo 47]

Braylon Edwards

 

 

She was hot as you remember back in your college days...but you didn't know if she spent all her legs before her prime. So you took a late round chance and put her on ice just in case the latest fling didn't work out. Your current girfriend Chadina isn't living up to her potential so you take a shot with her. She spreads her wings and you are in extacy!

[DankNuggs 305]

Ahman Green -

 

The fat girl you banged but never told anyone about. You gave her a fake name and number, so after a few weeks of knobslobbing you could get away.

[Filthy Fernadez 2,696]

all very good. Thanks for the laughs.

[frank 2,157]

OK, THIS is the gayest thread ever.

[Captain Goomy Noomy Roo 47]

OK, THIS is the gayest thread ever.

 

You're right frank

[KSB2424 3,086]

You're right frank

 

frank

The ugly fat girl that is always bitchy because...well....she is ugly and fat. The band geeks that ask her out are turned down because she somehow thinks that she is above them. Her very low self esteem and self worth have contributed to only complaining about things and making excuses, instead of her stop eating so much and take a bath. She eventually ends up living alone in a trailer in Texas with 6 cats.

[Slim Pickins 0]

Steve Smith

 

This girl used to be your number one. She was literally your lap dog for 2-3 years. But she fell into a bad situation and ended up running away with her new pimp/sugar daddy and now she only comes around when she needs some money. Still, you won’t give up on her as you remember the good times you used to have. So you just pine away for the day she comes back to her senses.

 

 

 

At this time, I’d like to give a big FU to Mr. David Carr, aka Sugar Daddy.

[OD99 0]

This was a great read after all the bitchiness (sp?) in the Sean Taylor thread.

 

Nice job guys.

[Filthy Fernadez 2,696]

frank

The ugly fat girl that is always bitchy because...well....she is ugly and fat. The band geeks that ask her out are turned down because she somehow thinks that she is above them. Her very low self esteem and self worth have contributed to only complaining about things and making excuses, instead of her to just stop eating so much and take a bath. She eventually ends up living in a trailer in Texas alone with 6 cats.

 

 

Ha; focking pwned Frankie there.

[alldayarbymojo 0]

Brian Leonard:

You knew going into your senior year, you couldn't land the Head Cheeleader (SJax), so you thought, "Heck, that freshman cheerleader looks hot from afar and has some awesome flips and jumps in tryouts, plus she seems so motivated". You give her a shot and ask her out to the movies. She grabs your hand and you notice her fingers are a bit thick and your hands don't go together too well. Looking down, you realize her jumping ability came from her squatty thighs and you immediatley get turned off. About that time, the Head Cheerleader comes in late with her boyfriend, Marc and they sit right in front of you and make out. You're left with squatty thighs, thick fingers and a view of Steven Jackson the rest of the movie.

[Slim Pickins 0]

Brian Leonard:

You knew going into your senior year, you couldn't land the Head Cheeleader (SJax), so you thought, "Heck, that freshman cheerleader looks hot from afar and has some awesome flips and jumps in tryouts, plus she seems so motivated". You give her a shot and ask her out to the movies. She grabs your hand and you notice her fingers are a bit thick and your hands don't go together too well. Looking down, you realize her jumping ability came from her squatty thighs and you immediatley get turned off. About that time, the Head Cheerleader comes in late with her boyfriend, Marc and they sit right in front of you and make out. You're left with squatty thighs, thick fingers and a view of Steven Jackson the rest of the movie.

[alldayarbymojo 0]

OK, THIS is the gayest thread ever.

FRANK:

The bitchy goth chick who isn't even a hot goth chick. She always stood by her locker in the morning with boots that had oversized heels and a dirty Marilyn Manson shirt she won at the state fair. Even in your failed attempt to be nice to her (when no one was looking) she sneered and her teeth reminded you of the Gates of Vlad the Impaler's Underground Caves in Romania. You realized there was no hope for her, so you left her alone with her 'lucky' troll doll purse and reverse mullet haircut.

[alldayarbymojo 0]

Larry Johnson

So you're from a middle class family and you were always intrigued by this wealthy chick with thick hair, nice features and a non-descript body. She had an aura about her because her family had been so successful in town her mother was giving her the family business when she left high school. You thought, "Wow, if I could just be with her and play my cards right, I could be set for life." You catch her eye one day in the hall and get the balls to ask her out on a date. Ironically, she says, "yes" and your chest puffs up. The problems arise almost instantly in the relationship, though, because you are starting to see a trend in her immaturity. She starts gaining weight, getting complacent, snobby and less motivated. When you finally meet her parents, you realize that the family business is in Spinach Farming and there has just been a major E-Coli outbreak. Stock plummets in the family fortune now all you have is a poor, moody, fat chick.

[CornKobb 48]

Matthew Hasselbeck....... It all starts out the same with this chick in the beginning (wk 1-5)... Go to the movies, go parking and make out but never could round 2nd base, it was alot of rubbing and grinding with some wet titty action but no triple or homerun. Why was this the case you ask..... Well her first love Ex Boyfriend Sean Alexander was still calling her and trying to rekindle there old relationship. Once Ol Sean was sent off to sell Beer in Germany and told Matty he never wanted to see her again Matthew went completely nimfomania...... She doesnt want to have anything to do with the run "aka" Sean and passes over and over and over again..... multiples if you know what i mean.

 

No, She is not as experienced in the bed as some "brady,manning,palmer".....but all she wants to do is ######...######.. ######......

[nobody 2,075]

LenDale White

 

Fat girls need love too. THe definition of a big beautiful women. She has a pretty face and nice skin. Too bad each boob weighs 45 pounds. You needed a slump buster so you picked her up. Like all fat girls she was eager to please. The only problem now is that despite her best efforts to fool you into thinking she's hot, you see her for the fat sloppy pig she really is, but now you're stuck with her because all the hot girls are down at the lake skinny dipping with the other owners.

[nobody 2,075]

Adrian Peterson

 

Turns out the new girl in school everyone was talking about was in the hospital because she broke her collarbone. Everyone knew she was hot before her accident, but rumors were flying that she might not be so hot anymore. Especially since the she was only going to be co-captain of the cheerleading squad. Well, turns out, when she finally came back, she was hotter than ever. She was so hot, in fact, that she was named sole captain of the squad. Fortunately for you, you were patient enough to wait for her and now you're the most popular guy in school. Except she slipped on a banana peel in the cafeteria, and now you are just hoping she gets back for the playoffs.

[KSB2424 3,086]

LenDale White

 

Fat girls need love too. THe definition of a big beautiful women. She has a pretty face and nice skin. Too bad each boob weighs 45 pounds. You needed a slump buster so you picked her up. Like all fat girls she was eager to please. The only problem was that now that despite her best efforts to fool you into thinking she's hot, you see her for the fat sloppy pig she really is, but now you're stuck with her because all the hot girls are down at the lake skinny dipping with the other owners.

Well done

[KSB2424 3,086]

LaDanian Tomlinson

You've seen her and she is dynamite. Quite possibly the most beautiful woman you've ever laid eyes on. You've heard stories about how classy she is and what a tiger she is in the sack. After years of pining over her you finally get a date with this bombshell. However something is different. She has changed. Her parents divorced and now she has a step dad that is mean and won't let her stay out past midnight. This once ultimate prize is riddled with hate and takes it out on you. Very different than all the great stories you've heard. She is still a great catch, but a dissapointment none-the-less. :sadbanana:

[frank 2,157]

Cool. frank got more responses than Frank Gore.

[Filthy Fernadez 2,696]

Cool. frank got more responses than Frank Gore.

 

 

Then perhaps this IS the gheyest thread ever.

[Bengalboy 0]

BEST THREAD EVER

[CornKobb 48]

BEST THREAD EVER

 

lovin it....sending it to even non ffootball folks and there laughing........