The Soilost

IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

This is what the MAGAturd mind doesn't understand. BLM is a peaceful movement. I was in Dallas yesterday and saw it emblazoned on the side of a church. I was in Washington, D.C., and it has the Black Lives Matter Plaza. The MAGAturd labels it a terroist organization because of the actions of opportunistic drugged-up thugs who take advantage of a volatile situation and loot, burn and destroy things because they get a kick out of it and they think they can get away with it. That's like labeling all MAGAturds as racist, fascists goods because of the actions of the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, skinheads, the KKK and other neo-Nazi organizations.

Hello, friends and enemas! The Soilost is back with a fresh set of predictions that will help you win your league. My patented software, which I tweek annually, has proven to be the best predictor in the business. Everything from family background to field conditions to crowd noise gets factored into the equation. Last year I factored in the influence the Ukraine war would have on fantasy production, and boy did I hit the nail on the head. Not much has changed in the past year, but I did notice some unusual activity in my systems in February. As it turns out, the Chinese were sending spy balloons over our country to tap into MY network and steal MY intellectual property! Well, The Soilost turned the tables on those commie bastages. I managed to protect my information while giving them completely bogus predictions that are sure to ruin a whole lot of fantasy seasons over there. Ha! That said, here are The Soilost rankings for 2023: QUARTERBACKS. 1.) Jordan Love - The Love Boat will be making another run. The Love Boat promises something for everyone. Set a course for adventure. Your mind on a new romance. 2.) Kenny Pickett - What do you do when your nose goes on strike? PICKETT! 3.) Brock Purdy - He sure has a Purdy mouf. 4.) Jimmy Garoppolo - Oh, juke joint Jimmy is the latest thing. He's got QB skills that everybody digs. Yeah, the stadium be jumpin' when Jimmy's arm pumpin'. And you know they play a crazy gig. Well, you ain't been living 'til you've seen the living end. Top Jimmy and his Gridiron Pigs. Top Jimmy cooks, top Jimmy slings. He's got the look. Top Jimmy, oh, Jimmy. Top Jimmy, go Jimmy. Top Jimmy. Oh, he's the king. 5.) C.J. Stroud - Strouded in mystery! 6.) Patrick Mahommes - Still pretty good. 7.) Dak Prescott - Tick Dak score! 8.) Gino Smith - Gino is like a fine vino! 9.) Justin Fields - Justin Fields forever. 10.) Anthony Richardson - Richardson won't give you a reason to bitchardson! RUNNING BACKS 1.) Nick Chubb - Rub-a-dub-dub. Your mom and Nick Chubb. 2.) Jahmyr Gibbs - Jahmyr Jahmyr Gibbs. 3.) Alexander Mattison - He'll be Mattisonbating all over opposing defenses. 4.) Khalil Herbert - Khalil Khalimazel. Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. 5.) Deuce Vaughn - Drop this Deuce onto your roster. 6.) Zach Charbonnet - My Charbonnet lies over the ocean. My Charbonnet lies over the sea. My Charbonnet lies over the ocean. Oh bring back my Charbonnet to me. 7.) Austin Ekeler - Austin Powers! 8.) Dalvin Cook - This Cook will be serving up a generous helping of TDs. 9.) Bijan Robinson - Bijan mustard! 10.) De'Von Achane - You must take the Achane. To go to Sugar Hill, way over in Miami. If you miss the Achane. You'll find you missed the quicket way to Miami. Get on the Achane. WIDE RECEIVER 1.) CeeDee Lamb - Mares eat oats, and does eat oats. And CeeDee Lamb eats endzone. A kid'll eat end zone too, wouldn't you? 2.) Ju Ju Smith-Schuster - Ju Ju on that beat. 3.) Christian Kirk - Capt. Kirk going to beam up some TDs! 4.) Garrett Wilson - Garrett Schmarrett. 5.) Zay Flowers - Where have all the Flowers gone? Long time passing. Where have all Flowers gone? Long time ago. Where have all Flowers gone. In the end zone, everyone! When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? 6.) Nico Collins - Definitely something in the air tonight with this Collins. 7.) Justin Jefferson - Mr. Jefferson be movin' on up to that de-lux end zone in the sky. 8.) Chris Olave - The name of the game (football). The name of the game (football). The name of the game (football). The name of the game. OLAVE! OLAVE! OLAVE! OLAVE! 9.) Jaxon Smith-Njigba - Action Jaxon. 10.) Drake London - London caling! The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in. Engines stop running, the wheat is growing thin. A nuclear era, but I have no fear. 'Cause London is calling, and I live by the river. Well that will do it for this year. Now go win your leagues. PEACE OUT! The Soilost