Had marriage counseling last nite

[cmh6476 1,160]

That he's a cukholded sissy-pants?

yeah, i'm not sure what is to be gained by being loyal to a cheating s/o, other than allowing yourself to be hurt continually. But I think what everyone seems to be getting at is that you could probably be taking a better approach at making your relationship better. You guys obviously want this to work, or you wouldn't be going to counseling in the 1st place. but I think you're really going to have to try harder to understand the issues bothering your wife, and then try to re-ignite that spark that made you fall in love with her.

[Ignignokt 0]

If only she could get fashion tips from shovelhead's daughter somehow.

[davebg 0]

maybe it's just me, but it doesnt matter what my wife wears. She can spend 4 hours getting all dolled up before we go out, or she can throw on some sweats and a T and I think she's beautiful either way.

I think there's a bigger issue than your wife not wearing something sexy to entice you personally.

Does the marriage counseling seem to be working? Your counselor seems to be eggin you on and attacking the wife, at least in this exercise, which would only lead to your wife becoming disinterested with something that is suppossed to be helping. Maybe it's just this one example though.

You are also a newlywed...come and see me in a few years. Let me know how your love life is and whether it needs some spicing up.

 

The counselor wasn't egging me on or attacking anyone. He showed us a communication exercise and then left it up to us what the subject would be. Mrs. daveBG just sat there, so I picked something.

[brinett9 0]

Brinette9's wife is cheating on him and going on "business trips" all the time and he still remains loyal.

They're "vacations", sphincter boy. Ha!

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

Let me do something that your counselor has apparently not done yet.

 

Ask yourself what your life would be like without your wife?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember, she has half of your stuff

[galmgren 0]

davebg: We went to marriage counseling last night and I brought down the hammer! First I crapped in her purse then I lit her hair on fire!

 

everybody else: that sounds sort of mean...

 

davebg:

[Force of Two 0]

Let me do something that your counselor has apparently not done yet.

 

Ask yourself what your life would be like without your wife?

Remember, she has half of your stuff

 

Patsy Fat isnt telling you to kill your wife....HTH

[davebg 0]

Let me do something that your counselor has apparently not done yet.

 

Ask yourself what your life would be like without your wife?

Remember, she has half of your stuff

Actually, last week the doc wanted us to discuss what it would be like fof the two of us to break up, but Mrs. DaveBG didn't want to talk about that.

[cmh6476 1,160]

You are also a newlywed...come and see me in a few years. Let me know how your love life is and whether it needs some spicing up.

 

The counselor wasn't egging me on or attacking anyone. He showed us a communication exercise and then left it up to us what the subject would be. Mrs. daveBG just sat there, so I picked something.

 

 

you're 100% right. I only hope the wife and I have the same spark we do no in 5, 10, 25 years down the line. I believe we will, but I also understand it's going to take a lot of work to keep the fire lit.

 

I'm not attacking you, and I don't think most of the others here are either. I'd look at it as constructive criticism, with some geek board smart-ass flava.

[zen 0]

This onrunning drama is the most superficial, pathetic thing I've read in awhile. It's right up there with the Smoking Gun guy who made up that sex contract for his wife. That there are such inorganic, superfical couples in the world saddens me. Everybody has problems, sure. But the two of you obviously can't even talk to each other about them, and when you do (in front of a third party you pay assloads of money to), it's the most knit-picky banal crap possible (why can't you wear sexy lingere - new undies aren't sexy!). This is like scratching the surface of tumor, hoping that by relieving the itch, the cancer will go away.

 

My faith in humanity has just dropped another half-notch.

 

 

 

In the interests of being constructive, I'll offer this: Dave, if you hate the things your wife wears, why don't you suggest going with her to a Victoria's Secret or Fredrick's of Hollywood to pick out stuff? Not only will she end up with something sexy, it'll be something you both like and the shared excitement of going to a sexy place together will bring you closer. It will feel a little naughty since you haven't done this sort of thing before, and while perhaps intitially embarrassing, I think you'll find overcoming that embarrassment together will be cathartic. After all, what's "naughty" about a married couple wanting to spice things up?

[hoytdwow 202]

you're 100% right. I only hope the wife and I have the same spark we do no in 5, 10, 25 years down the line. I believe we will, but I also understand it's going to take a lot of work to keep the fire lit.

Please don't start talking about your wedding again

[Force of Two 0]

davebg: We went to marriage counseling last night and I brought down the hammer! First I crapped in her purse then I lit her hair on fire!

 

everybody else: that sounds sort of mean...

 

davebg:

 

I thought this immediatley...I brought down the hammer makes you sound like a real jerkstore, gathers you no sympathy

[Ignignokt 0]

I thought this immediatley...I brought down the hammer makes you sound like a real jerkstore, gathers you no sympathy

Nobody wins unless everybody wins. (True in this case, no matter how ghey it sounds.)

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

Actually, last week the doc wanted us to discuss what it would be like fof the two of us to break up, but Mrs. DaveBG didn't want to talk about that.

 

Just wait until she talks to a lawyer. Her tune will change rather quickly on that one. She will be imagining how she can spend your money, take your favorite toys, and make your life generally miserable.

 

If you are that unhappy, then go down that road. If there is any chance, I would suggest that you go into these sessions with a goal of coming together rather than attempting to "win" or "bring down the hammer".

[Force of Two 0]

Just wait until she talks to a lawyer. Her tune will change rather quickly on that one. She will be imagining how she can spend your money, take your favorite toys, and make your life generally miserable.

 

If you are that unhappy, then go down that road. If there is any chance, I would suggest that you go into these sessions with a goal of coming together rather than attempting to "win" or "bring down the hammer".

 

The last part was well said

[brinett9 0]

... I would suggest that you go into these sessions with a goal of coming together rather than attempting to "win" or "bring down the hammer".

A lot of REALLY good touchdown celebrations are gonna go to waste...

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

A lot of REALLY good touchdown celebrations are gonna go to waste...

 

This is the new NFL, fella. Get used to it.

 

None of this

 

Lots of this

[TimmySmith 2,783]

What celebrity does your future ex-wife most look like?

[zen 0]

If you are that unhappy, then go down that road. If there is any chance, I would suggest that you go into these sessions with a goal of coming together rather than attempting to "win" or "bring down the hammer".

 

I agree. Well said.

[davebg 0]

This onrunning drama is the most superficial, pathetic thing I've read in awhile. It's right up there with the Smoking Gun guy who made up that sex contract for his wife. That there are such inorganic, superfical couples in the world saddens me. Everybody has problems, sure. But the two of you obviously can't even talk to each other about them, and when you do (in front of a third party you pay assloads of money to), it's the most knit-picky banal crap possible (why can't you wear sexy lingere - new undies aren't sexy!). This is like scratching the surface of tumor, hoping that by relieving the itch, the cancer will go away.

 

My faith in humanity has just dropped another half-notch.

 

In the interests of being constructive, I'll offer this: Dave, if you hate the things your wife wears, why don't you suggest going with her to a Victoria's Secret or Fredrick's of Hollywood to pick out stuff? Not only will she end up with something sexy, it'll be something you both like and the shared excitement of going to a sexy place together will bring you closer. It will feel a little naughty since you haven't done this sort of thing before, and while perhaps intitially embarrassing, I think you'll find overcoming that embarrassment together will be cathartic. After all, what's "naughty" about a married couple wanting to spice things up?

We dont' have money or kid problems like most married couples...sorry.

 

Our biggest problems right now center around the fact that I am bored and just not all that interested these days. So, how is it superficial and pathetic that I'd want her to do some of these things to spice things up and hopefully rekindle that interest? I'm sorry if I'm not some asexual mute who doesn't have needs like a real man. I'm just trying to work these things out b/c while I don't plan to cheat on my wife, I also don't plan to spend the next 30-40 years jerking off to internet porn on the couch (at least, not exclusively.)

 

As for your suggestion...do you really think I haven't tried that before? I point to something (and not that crap w/the holes precut for easy access either) and she makes a face like she just trew up in her mouf.

[Force of Two 0]

 

 

Our biggest problems right now center around the fact that I am bored and just not all that interested these days.

 

I'm just trying to work these things out b/c while I don't plan to cheat on my wife,

 

But you considered it last year?

 

and you sure sound like a teenager with ADD

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

We dont' have money or kid problems like most married couples...sorry.

 

Our biggest problems right now center around the fact that I am bored and just not all that interested these days. So, how is it superficial and pathetic that I'd want her to do some of these things to spice things up and hopefully rekindle that interest? I'm sorry if I'm not some asexual mute who doesn't have needs like a real man. I'm just trying to work these things out b/c while I don't plan to cheat on my wife, I also don't plan to spend the next 30-40 years jerking off to internet porn on the couch (at least, not exclusively.)

 

As for your suggestion...do you really think I haven't tried that before? I point to something (and not that crap w/the holes precut for easy access either) and she makes a face like she just trew up in her mouf.

 

Was she ever a dynamo in the bed? Are there any issues besides sex?

 

Women are not like guys. Guys will have sex with anyone regardless of whether they love (or even like) them. Women are only going to put out for a guy they love or if they think it is their duty. Sounds like you are in the latter and she wants you to be in the former. If you have changed (and not for the better), you may want to look at yourself to see if you can be the person that she loves.

 

If you can't be the person that she is going to get hot for, then it might be time to move on. Communication, therapy and sessions with the doc where you are trying to win are not going to change that. Unless the doc is going to get her to tell you what it is about you that needs to change, you are not going to know if that is a small step or the Grand Canyon. Suggest you start there.

[DanXIII 8]

Then, when it's her turn to choose a topic she just sits there. I'm not going to sit there and not talk about the things that bother me or I think need improvement just b/c she's content to sit there as if nothing is wrong...that's how we let things get so bad in the first place.

 

dave I'm not trying to flame or anything, but I went through this same thing with my ex wife. She was the one in counseling "trying" (like you are) and I was the one "just sitting there" (like your wife). After several hundred dollars worth of wasted counseling sessions I finally discovered why I wouldn't participate: I simply didn't give a shat. I was so sick of her, and her bullshat that I was just ready to get the hell OUT. The only reason I was still in it was purely out of the "guilt" of keeping the vows.

 

I really hope this is not true in your wife's case -- unless you're to the point of not caring anymore, which I doubt considering you're sharing this with all of us. Perhaps it is time you "confronted" her about her feelings and whether she is still emotionally committed to this marriage...?

 

In any case, your initial post clearly indicates the competitive nature in which you view the marriage, or at least the counseling. I can assure you from experience that this will lead nowhere fast.

 

I wish you luck! Seriously! I know how gut-wrenching it can be at times.

 

-edited for punctuation

[davebg 0]

Was she ever a dynamo in the bed? Are there any issues besides sex?

 

Women are not like guys. Guys will have sex with anyone regardless of whether they love (or even like) them. Women are only going to put out for a guy they love or if they think it is their duty. Sounds like you are in the latter and she wants you to be in the former. If you have changed (and not for the better), you may want to look at yourself to see if you can be the person that she loves.

 

If you can't be the person that she is going to get hot for, then it might be time to move on. Communication, therapy and sessions with the doc where you are trying to win are not going to change that. Unless the doc is going to get her to tell you what it is about you that needs to change, you are not going to know if that is a small step or the Grand Canyon. Suggest you start there.

Was she ever a dynamo in bed? Not really. We met young...I was her first. It's not about her getting hot for me...it's about her loosening up and being willing to grow.

 

Over the years people change...their tastes evolve...taste in music, clothes, sex, whatever.

 

I feel as if while I've evolved when it comes to sex and what I like, she's remained a sexual amoeba.

[jerryskids 7,200]

davebg: We went to marriage counseling last night and I brought down the hammer! First I crapped in her purse then I lit her hair on fire!

 

everybody else: that sounds sort of mean...

 

davebg:

 

Summed up perfectly what I would have said, but in less-efficient style.

 

Not sure if rehashing the same stuff everyone else is saying will help, but maybe I'll hit on some combo of words that will get thru to you.

 

You are clearly trying to win vs. resolve issues. My wife used to be like you are, every time she argued she would throw out shiot at me just to try to win. We worked for a long time to get past that, now it never happens.

 

In karate we work on "praise, correct, praise" vs. just negative corrections. As an example, say a student does an incorrect kick.

 

Wrong: "That kick sucked, it should look like this."

Right: "Very strong kick. (Praise). This time try it more like this. (Correct). [After kick] Nice kick! (Praise).

 

In your lingerie scenario, it might work something like this:

"I appreciate your wearing new panties for our date." (Praise). "I'd really like to see you in something a little sexier to show off your body, can we buy something together? (Correct). [After hot monkey sex] "Booyah".

 

This all presumes that you can get over your desire to "win."

[cmh6476 1,160]

Was she ever a dynamo in bed? Not really. We met young...I was her first. It's not about her getting hot for me...it's about her loosening up and being willing to grow.

 

Over the years people change...their tastes evolve...taste in music, clothes, sex, whatever.

 

I feel as if while I've evolved when it comes to sex and what I like, she's remained a sexual amoeba.

 

 

women dont hit their sexual prime until their 30s

[Force of Two 0]

Was she ever a dynamo in bed? Not really. We met young...I was her first. It's not about her getting hot for me...it's about her loosening up and being willing to grow.

 

Over the years people change...their tastes evolve...taste in music, clothes, sex, whatever.

 

I feel as if while I've evolved when it comes to sex and what I like, she's remained a sexual amoeba.

 

Why dont you come out and say exactly what you want to us and then let us judge if she is being absolutley prudish or you are asking for something over the top?....I know that there are things that I want from my wife that she and I have talked about and she flat out wont do....that usually ends without the need to go to counseling or me posting on a Football Board about her prudish behavior.

[davebg 0]

women dont hit their sexual prime until their 30s

She just turned 31.

[Guest stevejohnson]

Wow, an interesting thread to say the least.....To answer the orginal question, getting on your wife about the kind of underwear she had on for your "date" is really petty considering that the marriage is going so poorly that you need counseling in the first place. Better to stick to major issues that can be worked out instead of trying to make someone feel bad about something so foolish.

 

I also agree with some of the other posters that have said that you are looking at this trying to "win". All that does is make your wife the ENEMY instead of your PARTNER. When one "loses" you BOTH lose!

 

Just my two cents.....

[cmh6476 1,160]

She just turned 31.

how old are you? You guys planning on having any kids?

[Force of Two 0]

Wow, an interesting thread to say the least.....To answer the orginal question, getting on your wife about the kind of underwear she had on for your "date" is really petty considering that the marriage is going so poorly that you need counseling in the first place. Better to stick to major issues that can be worked out instead of trying to make someone feel bad about something so foolish.

 

I also agree with some of the other posters that have said that you are looking at this trying to "win". All that does is make your wife the ENEMY instead of your PARTNER. When one "loses" you BOTH lose!

 

Just my two cents.....

 

This guy has been beating around the bush about cheating on his wife for nearly a year....and it sounds like his one problem is her outward sexuality and prudishness in bed....Lets say that Im glad this tool isnt married to my sister

[davebg 0]

Why dont you come out and say exactly what you want to us and then let us judge if she is being absolutley prudish or you are asking for something over the top?....I know that there are things that I want from my wife that she and I have talked about and she flat out wont do....that usually ends without the need to go to counseling or me posting on a Football Board about her prudish behavior.

See...that's part of my point. Look at all I am going through to get her to wear some sexy ligere and outfit for our date nite, which is supposed to help us improve our intimacy w/one another.

 

Could you imagine if I had actually brought up some of the other things that I'd like us to start doing in bed?

 

Hell, I was going to mention the fact that it would have been nice if she had gotten a fresh bikini wax for date nite, instead of commandeering my clippers for a quick trim...but given her reaction to me wanting her to get something sexy from Victoria's Secret (like a million of other women in malls across America) I held back.

[Snuff 10]

What does she say about you and why it isn't working?

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

Was she ever a dynamo in bed? Not really. We met young...I was her first. It's not about her getting hot for me...it's about her loosening up and being willing to grow.

 

Over the years people change...their tastes evolve...taste in music, clothes, sex, whatever.

 

I feel as if while I've evolved when it comes to sex and what I like, she's remained a sexual amoeba.

 

Sounds like you have changed and she hasn't. You met young. Any sex was good sex because you did not have vast experience to compare it to. Now you are looking for a little spice in the relationship and she probably just does not like sex. There are many women who don't need sex AT ALL.

 

Some other points:

- people don't necessarily change for the better. Some people mature

- You are expecting her to change to meet your needs. Perhaps she needs you to change to meet some of her needs

- You missed the point on her getting hot for you. As I said, women are different. If you want someone who can change at the drop of a hat and get horny for you regardless of how you treat them, you probably will have to go ghey

 

I wish you both luck.

[davebg 0]

how old are you? You guys planning on having any kids?

I'm 33. I want kind. She says she wants kids.

 

Recently (while we've been fighting) she dropped the "and to think I finally was thinking that I wanted to stop working full time and have some kids" thing.

 

But we both agree that it is not the time to consider it until we have worked things out.

[Guest stevejohnson]

See...that's part of my point. Look at all I am going through to get her to wear some sexy ligere and outfit for our date nite, which is supposed to help us improve our intimacy w/one another.

 

Could you imagine if I had actually brought up some of the other things that I'd like us to start doing in bed?

 

Hell, I was going to mention the fact that it would have been nice if she had gotten a fresh bikini wax for date nite, instead of commandeering my clippers for a quick trim...but given her reaction to me wanting her to get something sexy from Victoria's Secret (like a million of other women in malls across America) I held back.

 

If you don't have kids then there is no reason to stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in......period.

[jerryskids 7,200]

In the past when these theads have run their course, do you feel like you've learned anything? Just wondering how much time we are wasting.

[Force of Two 0]

See...that's part of my point. Look at all I am going through to get her to wear some sexy ligere and outfit for our date nite, which is supposed to help us improve our intimacy w/one another.

 

Could you imagine if I had actually brought up some of the other things that I'd like us to start doing in bed?

 

Hell, I was going to mention the fact that it would have been nice if she had gotten a fresh bikini wax for date nite, instead of commandeering my clippers for a quick trim...but given her reaction to me wanting her to get something sexy from Victoria's Secret (like a million of other women in malls across America) I held back.

 

Its not what you say its how you say it....Im not trying to kill you here but your doing yourself an injustice by coming out like the heavy saying things like "I dropped the hammer"....Your going to have to forgo some of what you want and get her to gradually get into different things sexually. Ask her what her thing that she hasnt done before could be done to improve your sex life....make it about her and she will likely reciprocate.

[cmh6476 1,160]

In the past when these theads have run their course, do you feel like you've learned anything? Just wondering how much time we are wasting.

 

 

sometimes, after I feel like you guys have beaten me over the head with wooden mallots, I come out thinking I actually have something to take from all that was posted, FWIW

[davebg 0]

This guy has been beating around the bush about cheating on his wife for nearly a year....and it sounds like his one problem is her outward sexuality and prudishness in bed....Lets say that Im glad this tool isnt married to my sister

Beating around the bush = away at a conference, met someone who shared a mutual attraction to, but DIDN'T cheat

 

As for this being my "only" issue w/her...I'm sure it's not. We haven't been going to counseling long and the sessions only last so long. This is what came up this week...so this is what I have to talk about. Each time we go we peel back another layer of the onion and get closer to the center of our problems.