Had marriage counseling last nite

[George Carlin 1]

You know, when I was away from my computer for a while, I had this EXACT same thought. Davebg also mentioned how he's sat around and watched his parents marriage be miserable for the last some-odd years and all, and that his mom is miserable...Davebg, have you thought that perhaps the way you're treating your wife is the same way that your dad treats (treated) your mom? We do learn the example of marrage (at times) from our parents, and we learn how to treat others we love at ta VERY young age.

 

I was also thinking, perhaps your wife knows that you don't think much of her (I have gathered from your threads that you don't think much of her). And she may know that if she opens her mouth and tells how she really feels that it doesn't matter, you will find some way to beat it down into some kind of failure. She might have dressed sexy Saturday night, but you might not have liked the color of the outfit. Point being, you would have found *something* to find fault with her.

 

She may not dress sexy because SHE doesn't feel comfy, because of the self esteem issues that you blame her mom for. As her husband, shouldn't you try to build up that esteem? To help her get to the point that she does feel comfy in front of you wearing whatever, acting however, and just being HER? How can she do that when you most likely consistently make her feel inadequate? I have this feeling that's what you do...she probably wants to try to do laundry, try to cook for you, and try to be more adventurous in bed, but I have this feeling that you'd make comments that were both subtle and direct that she was failing in some way.

 

Personally, if I were her, I would get to a point where nothing I did satisfied you, and I would probably sit there close-mouthed too.

 

I do hope that things get worked out, but honestly, I said it once and I will say it again, I think that you've made your choice and you're just going thru the motions. You're unhappy, and anything that you can do to make your guilty feelings go away. By guilt, I mean, you've been with this girl for over 13 years, you were her first, you married her and took vows - and you feel bad that you've done this because in a way, it's been a waste of time for you. Anything and anyone who agrees with you (on here or the counselor) is going to feel like a "win" for you, just because of the guilt that you kind of harbor for all of this.

 

These are just my opinions and I do realize that I could be talking out of my azz.

 

Thanks to this post, I've decided I'm leaving my girlfriend.

 

Ok, no seriously. Dave, you're an enormous dickhead and that's coming from edjr, you have problems.

[Franknbeans 46]

Thanks to this post, I've decided I'm leaving my "girlfriend".

 

[TheNewGirl 1,639]

Thanks to this post, I've decided I'm leaving my girlfriend.

 

Why?

[George Carlin 1]

Why?

 

I was kidding. It was very well put and spot on.

 

Just made me think a little and I don't like thinking at 8:30 am.

[TheNewGirl 1,639]

I was kidding. It was very well put and spot on.

 

Just made me think a little and I don't like thinking at 8:30 am.

 

 

Ah...I see.

 

If this alias is who I remember it being, then I think that you and your GF are pretty good for each other, personally. You have a lot of the same "interests."

[George Carlin 1]

Ah...I see.

 

If this alias is who I remember it being, then I think that you and your GF are pretty good for each other, personally. You have a lot of the same "interests."

 

yes, I am who you think I am.

 

edjr

[mighty_thor 115]

yes, I am who you think I am.

 

edjr

 

If this is the same alias i think it was, then breaking up with your girlfriend is as simple as letting the air out, folding her up and putting her back in her box.

[George Carlin 1]

If this is the same alias i think it was, then breaking up with your girlfriend is as simple as letting the air out, folding her up and putting her back in her box.

 

I'm not MDC.

[mighty_thor 115]

I'm not MDC.

 

Why aren't you posting under edjr? This is the time to make up ground on Torrids post count.

[davebg 0]

You know, when I was away from my computer for a while, I had this EXACT same thought. Davebg also mentioned how he's sat around and watched his parents marriage be miserable for the last some-odd years and all, and that his mom is miserable...Davebg, have you thought that perhaps the way you're treating your wife is the same way that your dad treats (treated) your mom? We do learn the example of marrage (at times) from our parents, and we learn how to treat others we love at ta VERY young age.

 

I was also thinking, perhaps your wife knows that you don't think much of her (I have gathered from your threads that you don't think much of her). And she may know that if she opens her mouth and tells how she really feels that it doesn't matter, you will find some way to beat it down into some kind of failure. She might have dressed sexy Saturday night, but you might not have liked the color of the outfit. Point being, you would have found *something* to find fault with her.

 

She may not dress sexy because SHE doesn't feel comfy, because of the self esteem issues that you blame her mom for. As her husband, shouldn't you try to build up that esteem? To help her get to the point that she does feel comfy in front of you wearing whatever, acting however, and just being HER? How can she do that when you most likely consistently make her feel inadequate? I have this feeling that's what you do...she probably wants to try to do laundry, try to cook for you, and try to be more adventurous in bed, but I have this feeling that you'd make comments that were both subtle and direct that she was failing in some way.

 

Personally, if I were her, I would get to a point where nothing I did satisfied you, and I would probably sit there close-mouthed too.

 

I do hope that things get worked out, but honestly, I said it once and I will say it again, I think that you've made your choice and you're just going thru the motions. You're unhappy, and anything that you can do to make your guilty feelings go away. By guilt, I mean, you've been with this girl for over 13 years, you were her first, you married her and took vows - and you feel bad that you've done this because in a way, it's been a waste of time for you. Anything and anyone who agrees with you (on here or the counselor) is going to feel like a "win" for you, just because of the guilt that you kind of harbor for all of this.

 

These are just my opinions and I do realize that I could be talking out of my azz.

I totally understand where you would get that impression from what I've posted, but you and everyone else here needs to realize that you don't have the advantage of seeing what has led up to this point over the past 4+ years of marriage and 3+ years of cohabitating before that.

 

For years I have been the one to prop her up and try to instill some confidence in her. Belive me when I tell you that there have been many occasions (too numerous to mention) when I openly encouraged her and displayed more confidence in her and her abilities than she did in herself.

 

But after literally YEARS of this I have reached my limit. I can't be her personal cheerleading section every damn day for the rest of my life. I feel like I have a little league team, not a wife.

 

This has been building for some time and there's a great deal of pent up frustration and anger that needs to get out...that's prolly part of what is happening right now.

[Rusty Syringes 479]

I totally understand where you would get that impression from what I've posted, but you and everyone else here needs to realize that you don't have the advantage of seeing what has led up to this point over the past 4+ years of marriage and 3+ years of cohabitating before that.

 

For years I have been the one to prop her up and try to instill some confidence in her. Belive me when I tell you that there have been many occasions (too numerous to mention) when I openly encouraged her and displayed more confidence in her and her abilities than she did in herself.

 

But after literally YEARS of this I have reached my limit. I can't be her personal cheerleading section every damn day for the rest of my life. I feel like I have a little league team, not a wife.

 

This has been building for some time and there's a great deal of pent up frustration and anger that needs to get out...that's prolly part of what is happening right now.

 

No kidding. How dare she expect you to be her emotional rock. I mean, women aren't supposed to be that way. They're supposed to be cold, self-sufficient, superconfident creatures who wear sexy clothes, never ask for anything and never expect you to be there for them.

 

[jerryskids 7,201]

No kidding. How dare she expect you to be her emotional rock. I mean, women aren't supposed to be that way. They're supposed to be cold, self-sufficient, superconfident creatures who wear sexy clothes, never ask for anything and never expect you to be there for them.

 

 

Where can I find me one of those?

 

I totally understand where you would get that impression from what I've posted, but you and everyone else here needs to realize that you don't have the advantage of seeing what has led up to this point over the past 4+ years of marriage and 3+ years of cohabitating before that.

 

For years I have been the one to prop her up and try to instill some confidence in her. Belive me when I tell you that there have been many occasions (too numerous to mention) when I openly encouraged her and displayed more confidence in her and her abilities than she did in herself.

 

But after literally YEARS of this I have reached my limit. I can't be her personal cheerleading section every damn day for the rest of my life. I feel like I have a little league team, not a wife.

 

This has been building for some time and there's a great deal of pent up frustration and anger that needs to get out...that's prolly part of what is happening right now.

I meant to ask earlier, you made a comment that the counselor wanted you to discuss what life would be like without the other person, but your wife didn't want to. WTF does that mean? Isn't that where the counselor says, "I know if is hard, but it is part of the process, and I make the rules here so get to it." ?

[fricker66 93]

I'm just glad I don't have to read 5 pages of this to know that nothing is davebg's fault.

[davebg 0]

No kidding. How dare she expect you to be her emotional rock. I mean, women aren't supposed to be that way. They're supposed to be cold, self-sufficient, superconfident creatures who wear sexy clothes, never ask for anything and never expect you to be there for them.

 

Silly me...thinking I had a partner in life...who could maybe carry some of the weight once in a while.

 

Where can I find me one of those?

I meant to ask earlier, you made a comment that the counselor wanted you to discuss what life would be like without the other person, but your wife didn't want to. WTF does that mean? Isn't that where the counselor says, "I know if is hard, but it is part of the process, and I make the rules here so get to it." ?

The counselor said sometimes it's helpful to talk about that. She said she didn't want to go there. He didn't push it.

 

I'm just glad I don't have to read 5 pages of this to know that nothing is davebg's fault.

There's plenty that I do wrong too...we just didn't discuss any of that this week.

[George Carlin 1]

dave, while you were kicking your wife when she was down in the shrinks office. I hope you remembered to mention you don't like the way she puts away the dishes and she doesn't fluff your pillows exactly the way you like them.

[EMoney 0]

I'm not sure why everyone is giving Dave such a hard time. If the woman can't even put some effort into the date and try to look somewhat sexy then she has given up on the marriage. I'd certainly give her another opportunity now that its been explained by the counselor. Maybe she will see the light.

[jerryskids 7,201]

I'm not sure why everyone is giving Dave such a hard time. If the woman can't even put some effort into the date and try to look somewhat sexy then she has given up on the marriage. I'd certainly give her another opportunity now that its been explained by the counselor. Maybe she will see the light.

Nobody here is saying she is a saint or without fault. The primary issue is his trying to win vs. resolve. Also, he has indicated in past threads that she can do nothing right in his eyes.

[Toro 3]

If she hasn't changed in seven years, she won't change now.

 

Your efforts are useless.

[Rusty Syringes 479]

Silly me...thinking I had a partner in life...who could maybe carry some of the weight once in a while.

 

Clearly, you don't know the first thing about women.

[George Carlin 1]

If she hasn't changed in seven years, she won't change now.

 

Your efforts are useless.

 

 

I don't know why people get married thinking they'll ever change the other person for the better, or the person will ever change for the better themselves. It's only going to get WORSE once the marriage happens. Geez people, cmon.

[jerryskids 7,201]

I don't know why people get married thinking they'll ever change the other person for the better, or the person will ever change for the better themselves. It's only going to get WORSE once the marriage happens. Geez people, cmon.

My wife and I have changed quite a bit for the better. You are clueless.

[George Carlin 1]

My wife and I have changed quite a bit for the better. You are clueless.

 

like meeting women on the internet?

 

Of course, some blind fool is going to say something like this.

[TimmySmith 2,783]

I don't know why people get married thinking they'll ever change the other person for the better, or the person will ever change for the better themselves.

 

Marriage ain't dating dude. People MUST change after marriage, some don't realize it, but by then it's too late. It's not trying to change the other, it's expecting them to adapt to fit a whole new situation.

[George Carlin 1]

Marriage ain't dating dude. People MUST change after marriage, some don't realize it, but by then it's too late. It's not trying to change the other, it's expecting them to adapt to fit a whole new situation.

 

They DO change, for the worse.

[Toro 3]

Clearly, you don't know the first thing about women.

 

 

Perfect summary.

[jerryskids 7,201]

like meeting women on the internet?

 

Of course, some blind fool is going to say something like this.

Your obsession with this topic is impressive. Besides, 12+ years ago the internet wasn't what it is today, I could only improve in that area.

[cmh6476 1,160]

I don't know why people get married thinking they'll ever change the other person for the better, or the person will ever change for the better themselves. It's only going to get WORSE once the marriage happens. Geez people, cmon.

 

 

to me this doesnt sound like an instance of wanting someone to change into something they wish their life partner was, as oppossed to the two actually changing as they mature and learning that the person they married isn't really the person they thought they were marrying.

 

I can see differences between myself and my wife developing as we grow together, but I view those changes in a positive light. I know we're not going to be the exact same person 5, 10, 15 years down the road, but I look forward to what my wife and I will become and I welcome the opportunity to help my wife grow into the person she wants to become.

[Gabriel Balcavienga 0]

I just jumped in and am not reading this entire thing from the beginning, but this started a long time ago, probably even before davebg was considering hooking up with that chick from his company at the conference. or perhaps that was the starting point. either way, get it over with and go find many chicks to bang.

[Tusekan Raiders 0]

it's about her loosening up and being willing to grow.

 

 

So you want a fat ###### for a wife?

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

They DO change, for the worse.

 

I feel bad for you. You assume that marriage is this black hole and that everyone who is married is miserable. That is just not true.

[Electric Mayhem 35]

 

Summed up perfectly what I would have said, but in less-efficient style.

 

Not sure if rehashing the same stuff everyone else is saying will help, but maybe I'll hit on some combo of words that will get thru to you.

 

You are clearly trying to win vs. resolve issues. My wife used to be like you are, every time she argued she would throw out shiot at me just to try to win. We worked for a long time to get past that, now it never happens.

 

In karate we work on "praise, correct, praise" vs. just negative corrections. As an example, say a student does an incorrect kick.

 

Wrong: "That kick sucked, it should look like this."

Right: "Very strong kick. (Praise). This time try it more like this. (Correct). [After kick] Nice kick! (Praise).

 

In your lingerie scenario, it might work something like this:

"I appreciate your wearing new panties for our date." (Praise). "I'd really like to see you in something a little sexier to show off your body, can we buy something together? (Correct). [After hot monkey sex] "Booyah".

 

This all presumes that you can get over your desire to "win."

 

summary: the next time she doesn't wear what you want her to - kick her in the snatch

[George Carlin 1]

I feel bad for you. You assume that marriage is this black hole and that everyone who is married is miserable. That is just not true.

 

I'm married without the rings and piece of paper.

 

Sure some people can be happily married, the ones that can convince themselves their happy.

[Electric Mayhem 35]

Here's a suggestion that may be helpful.

 

Give her a nice little box from a fine jewelry store. Wrap it in fine white ribbon.

 

Imagine how owned she'll be when she opens it to find it contains only your fresh, steaming turd.

 

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

I'm married without the rings and piece of paper.

 

Sure some people can be happily married, the ones that can convince themselves their happy.

 

You keep proving my point. Your generalization in this area is way off base.

[SUXBNME 1,630]

Almost 200 replies to a "marriage counseling" thread????

 

 

 

 

 

I think phillybear should have put his 2 cents in this long ago...

 

Let me guess...

 

Phillybear : Just shoot her in the face with a shotgun like I did to my ex..good times, good times..

[TheNewGirl 1,639]

I totally understand where you would get that impression from what I've posted, but you and everyone else here needs to realize that you don't have the advantage of seeing what has led up to this point over the past 4+ years of marriage and 3+ years of cohabitating before that.

 

I am just making these assumptions off of what you have posted. I imagine if she posted things about you, it would be from an entirely different point of view. Of course, you're not going to post, "I am a d!ck to my wife."

 

For years I have been the one to prop her up and try to instill some confidence in her. Belive me when I tell you that there have been many occasions (too numerous to mention) when I openly encouraged her and displayed more confidence in her and her abilities than she did in herself.

 

But after literally YEARS of this I have reached my limit. I can't be her personal cheerleading section every damn day for the rest of my life. I feel like I have a little league team, not a wife.

 

Personally, if I have something going on in my life where I NEED my personal cheering section (regardless if it's a quick thing, or one that lasts years) the FIRST person I expect to see in that cheering section each and everytime is my husband. And, when he needs HIS cheering section, you're damn straight I will be the first one there for him.

 

This has been building for some time and there's a great deal of pent up frustration and anger that needs to get out...that's prolly part of what is happening right now.

 

Then why bother? If it's been going on as long as you say it has, and now, only she can't cook, clean, take care of herself, and she can't be sexy for you...why are you still around? I am asking that seriously. WHY are you still with her?

[peenie 2,023]

i have no advice, but i think it's great you're trying to save your marriage instead of taking the easy way out by divorcing or having an affair.

good luck, dave.

[davebg 0]

Personally, if I have something going on in my life where I NEED my personal cheering section (regardless if it's a quick thing, or one that lasts years) the FIRST person I expect to see in that cheering section each and everytime is my husband. And, when he needs HIS cheering section, you're damn straight I will be the first one there for him.

 

Then why bother? If it's been going on as long as you say it has, and now, only she can't cook, clean, take care of herself, and she can't be sexy for you...why are you still around? I am asking that seriously. WHY are you still with her?

If it was once in a while it would be one thing, but over time it just seems as if it gets to be more and more. I don't think it's an outrageous expectation that as someone gets older and more mature that they'd become more comfortable and confident with themselves. That doesn't seem to be happening.

 

I mean, if she needs her own personal cheering section to gather up the guts to snowboard down a trail she doens't think she can handle...I'm all there. However, when she comes to me to proof-read some silly little something for work to see if it sounds good and makes sense (it happens ALOT)...when she is an educational consultant who specializes in READING AND WRITING...well, it gets a little old. I mean, that's supposed to be her focking specialty. Schools pay her tens of thousands of dollars/year to come into their classrooms and teach reading and writing.

 

As for why I'm still around...well...one of the things that I am hoping to get from counseling is to figure out whether or not we should stay together.

[jerryskids 7,201]

However, when she comes to me to proof-read some silly little something for work to see if it sounds good and makes sense (it happens ALOT)...when she is an educational consultant who specializes in READING AND WRITING...well, it gets a little old. I mean, that's supposed to be her focking specialty. Schools pay her tens of thousands of dollars/year to come into their classrooms and teach reading and writing.

Wow. You hate her. Just move on. Seriously.

[davebg 0]

Wow. You hate her. Just move on. Seriously.

I'd like to think that it's just a whole bunch of pent up frustration, but you may be right.