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The Soilost

[**OFFICIAL 2014 SOILOST RANKINGS**]

By The Soilost, in FFToday Board

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The Soilost    28

The Soilost
Posted

Howdy, Soilost fans!

 

It’s time to own your league again, and The Soilost is here to make it rain!

 

My patented, always improving software program year after year has done nothing but lead you to championship greatness, and this year will be no exception!

 

Last year, a group of noteworthy psychologists got on Google Earth and carefully examined the players' homes and surroundings, right down to the quality of their neighbors.

 

Two years ago, the noted psychologists analyzed every NFL player’s Twitter feeds, Facebook pages, Instagram accounts and Pinterest accounts. The year before that, the psychologists studied each player and their off-season workout habits, family life, contract situations and what mental impact the lockout had on them. I even factored in Hurricane Irene.

 

In the past, crowd support has factored into the software. For this year’s rankings, I took a step further and got an early start by hand picking a team of sonologists to be at every NFL game to measure and analyze sound and how that affected each play. Then I factored that into how it would affect each team in each game of the upcoming season It was my most complicated undertaking yet, and I think you’ll be pleased with the results.

 

Here are my 2014 rankings:

 

 

QUARTERBACKS

 

1.) Ryan Fitzpatrick – They won’t be calling him Shitzpatrick after this season!

 

2.) Colin Kaepernick – His name sounds like some kind of ancient astronomist, and he’ll be chucking the pigskin all the way to Uranus!

3.) Nick Foles – Could become the greatest quarterback of our time.

 

4.) Tom Brady – He’ll have defenses’ panties in a bunch once again!

 

5.) Geno Smith – Geno ain’t no pizza poo.

 

6.) Peyton Manning – He’ll be Peytoning the end zones red!

 

7.) Cam Newton – His success will not be some Fig Newton of your imagination!

 

8.) Johnny Manziel – If he can keep from rolling up a Benjamin and snorting up the chalk lines, he’ll be fine.

 

9.) Matt Schaub – Ol’ Schwabby Pants will wipe away the tears and defensive end fecal matter from his face and return to glory.

 

10.) Tony Romo – His passes will see more ribs than a Nazi prison camp.

 

 

RUNNING BACKS

1.) Bishop Sankey – There’ll be a lot of Sankeying the Bishop into Tennessee opponents’ end zones!

2.) Montee Ball – Gonna make a touchdown deal!

3.) Rashad Jennings – The hillbilly terrorist will cook up some touchdowns.

4.) Ben Tate – He’ll Tateworm right into the end zone.

5.) Khiry Robinson - And here's to you, Mr. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

6.) Jamaal Charles – Still good.

7.) Alfred Morris – Morris – he’s a kitty cat. And he meow, meow, meows and he meow, meow, meows.

8.) Zac Stacy – He’ll be Zacking off in opponents’ end zones.

9.) Arian Foster – It’s an Arian Nation, and we just get to live in it.

10.) Matt Forte – Going to the Mattresses!

 

WIDE RECEIVERS

1.) Demaryius Thomas – When the moon is in the Seventh House. And Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the plants. And love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Demaryius. Age of Demaryius. Demaryiusssssss! De-mar-eee-usssssss!!! Let the freakin’ sun shine in!

2.) Cordarrelle Patterson – Mr. Cordarrelle Pants will sashay into the end zone with style.

3.) Jordy Nelson – Jordy Pordy Puddin’ and Pie. Will kiss the end zone and make them cry!

4.) T.Y. Hilton – It’s fun to stay at the T-Y-C-A.

5.) Calvin Johnson – Another year not being a Megabust.

6.) Dez Bryant – Dez Dispenser.

7.) Julio Jones – He’s Julio like that.

8.) Miles Austin – Austin is now the capital of Ohio!

9.) Marvin Jones – Hopefully he won’t shoot anyone like that other Marvin.

10.) Michael Crabtree – Since when the hell do crabs grow on trees?

 

Now go win your league!

 

Peace out!

 

The Soilost

 

:bandana:

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dehaven123    31

dehaven123
Posted

this is the definition of goiing against the grain here, boys.

 

can you bump previous yr's iterations, please?

maybe provide a linky in this thread?

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Mike FF Today    609

Mike FF Today
Posted

 

2.) Colin Kaepernick – His name sounds like some kind of ancient astronomist, and he’ll be chucking the pigskin all the way to Uranus!

 

Didn't Kap chuck it past Uranus last year? :nono:

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tanatastic    2,061

tanatastic
Posted

There just isnt a picard facepalm meme pic big enough for this guys yearly predictions. Yet I cant look away!

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posty    2,296

posty
Posted

this is the definition of goiing against the grain here, boys.

 

can you bump previous yr's iterations, please?

maybe provide a linky in this thread?

2013: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=421916

2012: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=405063

2011: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=387359

2010: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=366637

2009: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=347013

2008: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=321797

2007: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=281036

2006: http://www.fftodayforums.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=221957

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phillybear    364

phillybear
Posted

The Soilost needs no testimonials, but nonetheless.... his picks are hotter than the girl Brent Musburger was drooling over in the bowl game. I won 7 fantasy football championships last year despite never joining any leagues. Ukraine and Russia are in a war just to be the first to get a gander and these prognosticating pearls that shine brighter than Michael Irvin's wardrobe. Empty your mind of all previous misconceptions as it were your bowels as you prep for a colonoscopy and let The Soilost's knowledge build a little bird house in your soul.

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dehaven123    31

dehaven123
Posted

 

thank you!

well, at least its fun read. that in itself is worth it!

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tanatastic    2,061

tanatastic
Posted

Great work. Special shoutouts go to 2013 having Gabbert and tannehil as top 10 qbs with no brees or peyton even on the list. you can see a pattern of early years having decent picks and going out on moderate limbs, to lately just using random names that make funny jokes. Epic stuff.

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MTSkiBum    1,595

MTSkiBum
Posted

Bishop Sankey and montes ball 1/2. 

 

I don't think the 2014 rankings worked out.

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