Unfit parents

[MLCKAA 415]

So, a friend of mine is pregnant. I've known her for about 13 years and NO, the baby isn't mine.

 

As long as I've known her she's been pretty flighty. She's an artist and has never had a stable job. Her interest shifts from one medium to the next. In 13 years she has lived in Chicago, Seattle, Indy, Baltimore, DC, Bloomington (IN) and some little hick town. All of those moves were because she was "tired" of the city, not moves for opportunity or career.

 

She was a lesbian (or living that lifestyle) until 2 years ago. She lost her virginity a year ago and now is pregnant by only the 2nd dude to ever nail her.

 

So, I got an e-mail a few weeks ago and she told me she is pregnant. She went on to tell me that because of the pregnancy (not totally sure what that means) she quit the only promising & steady paying job she's ever had and moved back home to live with her mom and step-dad. Here's a rundown of her current status, heading into motherhood:

 

* Single

* 32 years old

* unemployed

* lives at home with parents

* no health insurance

* no career aspirations

 

Here is the kicker-- she tells me the father of this unborn baby is excited and eager to be a parent, but she basically dislikes him and is trying to prevent him from having a part in the child's life. She told me he "annoys" her and she "doesn't care for him" at all and, so, has chosen to try to exclude him from the child's life. She even told me that because he is not a US citizen (he is a Nepalese buddhist here legally), she hopes he has no/limited parental rights.

 

I am totally disgusted by it. I think it is one of the most loathesome things a person can do to keep a willing parent out of the life of their child. She is very excited about the baby herself, so how can she justify denying the rightful father of the same happiness? If this baby is a blessing to her, it is every bit as much a blessing to the father.

 

What really throws me is that this behavior is so out of character for her. I have always known her as a very peaceful, kind, loving, fair, generous woman. Such a heinous decision is so unlike her.

 

thoughts on how I should tell her that she is being a hideous skank?

[VikesNation 0]

Maybe TNG should sell them her treadclimber machine.

[MLCKAA 415]

Maybe TNG should sell them her treadclimber machine.

 

 

Either this is a stupid comment or a wisecrack so brilliant that it went right over my head. Either is a reasonable possibility.

[ROBOKOP 0]

Unfortunately in this day and age, unfit parents are the majority. The only thing you can do is make sure your kids have the best possible life you can give them.

[VikesNation 0]

Either this is a stupid comment or a wisecrack so brilliant that it went right over my head. Either is a reasonable possibility.

Why can't it be both?

[Eagles Green 34]

can size on the ex-dyke

 

[MLCKAA 415]

can size on the ex-dyke

 

 

 

Oh, real nice. She's the Lipstick variety of ex-lesbian. A seriously attractive redhead. I got to kiss her and feel around on her once for like an hour and a half when we were younger and she hadn't gotten any affection in a while. Apparently she thought that fooling around with me was the next best thing to fooling with another woman. Doesn't say much about me.

 

Anyhow, I'm really disappointed with the way she's acting with her pregnancy. Any advice?

[Eagles Green 34]

Oh, real nice. She's the Lipstick variety of ex-lesbian. A seriously attractive redhead. I got to kiss her and feel around on her once for like an hour and a half when we were younger and she hadn't gotten any affection in a while. Apparently she thought that fooling around with me was the next best thing to fooling with another woman. Doesn't say much about me.

 

Anyhow, I'm really disappointed with the way she's acting with her pregnancy. Any advice?

 

Advice?

 

ok, answer the can size question.

[MLCKAA 415]

Advice?

 

ok, answer the can size question.

 

 

THEY'RE REALLY NICE! That's the best answer you get tool.

 

 

 

sorry for the name-calling, man.

[p.man 7]

I don't think she will be able to keep him from seeing the baby.

He could either take her to court for visitation rights. Or he could probably win custody of the baby if he's in a more stable/financial/emotional position. This could get ugly if he stands up to her.

Also, if she didn't like him than why did she have sex with him? They should have used protection.

I wouldn't beleive anything she say's.

[TerrySilver 0]

kick her down a flight of steps

[biscuitman357 0]

Any advice?

 

 

Cut her off. I.E. stop being her friend, stop talking to her, stop interacting with her. If you both have mutual friends, advise them of whats going on, let them know what you are doing and suggest they do the same. Tell her why you are doing it.

 

I don't really believe in acting on judgement about someone elses life. I.E. everyone has their own life to live and if they screw it up, thats on them. However when you are talking about a child, by saying and doing nothing, you imply your approval.

 

Since its not your place to approve or disapprove, the best strategy is the exit strategy ( which is really a disapproval but in a context you can justify)

 

She obviously doesn't see the consequences of her behavior, once she starts losing 'friends' then she probably will. All the talking to her in the world won't change her.

 

Don't make the mistake of being a 'friend' where theres nothing in it for you. I'm not even talking about sex. But sounds like, this person, that shes a taker, shes always been a taker, she will always be a taker. I.E. the friendship is one sided and you support her but thats all there is. Sure she might be hot, but unless you are nailing her, being her 'cry in pillow' friend is really a toxic situation.

 

Tough situation for that kid. Good luck man.

[shovelheadt 62]

I don't think she will be able to keep him from seeing the baby.

He could either take her to court for visitation rights. Or he could probably win custody of the baby if he's in a more stable/financial/emotional position. This could get ugly if he stands up to her.

Also, if she didn't like him than why did she have sex with him? They should have used protection.

I wouldn't beleive anything she say's.

 

That's a fact. She will not keep him out of the baby's life unless he gives up. The flip side though is that she'd pretty much have to be caught dealing crack before she's lose custody. So if he presses the issue, he'll be paying child support.

 

Cut her off. I.E. stop being her friend, stop talking to her, stop interacting with her. If you both have mutual friends, advise them of whats going on, let them know what you are doing and suggest they do the same. Tell her why you are doing it.

 

I don't really believe in acting on judgement about someone elses life. I.E. everyone has their own life to live and if they screw it up, thats on them. However when you are talking about a child, by saying and doing nothing, you imply your approval.

 

Since its not your place to approve or disapprove, the best strategy is the exit strategy ( which is really a disapproval but in a context you can justify)

 

She obviously doesn't see the consequences of her behavior, once she starts losing 'friends' then she probably will. All the talking to her in the world won't change her.

 

Don't make the mistake of being a 'friend' where theres nothing in it for you. I'm not even talking about sex. But sounds like, this person, that shes a taker, shes always been a taker, she will always be a taker. I.E. the friendship is one sided and you support her but thats all there is. Sure she might be hot, but unless you are nailing her, being her 'cry in pillow' friend is really a toxic situation.

 

Tough situation for that kid. Good luck man.

 

I agree with this totally, with one addition. Don't just disappear, tell her how focked up she is on the way out. Something along the lines of "I never took you as the type that would put your own feelings above the welfare of a child".

 

Also agree with whomever said not to believe a thing she says.

[Ilov80s 0]

Unfortunately in this day and age, unfit parents are the majority. The only thing you can do is make sure your kids have the best possible life you can give them.

 

In this day and age, and the day and age before that, and the day and age before that, and so on...

 

Cut her off. I.E. stop being her friend, stop talking to her, stop interacting with her. If you both have mutual friends, advise them of whats going on, let them know what you are doing and suggest they do the same. Tell her why you are doing it.

 

I don't really believe in acting on judgement about someone elses life. I.E. everyone has their own life to live and if they screw it up, thats on them. However when you are talking about a child, by saying and doing nothing, you imply your approval.

 

Since its not your place to approve or disapprove, the best strategy is the exit strategy ( which is really a disapproval but in a context you can justify)

 

So you should stop being her friend and stop talking with her I.E. exit strategy, but at the same time you can't say nothing and do nothing because there is a child involved? Sounds like contradicting advice I.E. bad advice.

 

The lady obviously has had a world of issues and is now bringing a child into the mess. Is this the time to show her how good of a friend you are by turning your back to her?

[biscuitman357 0]

Ceasing to be the womans friend is 'doing' something.

 

What Im saying is if you say anything at all, you are really ending the friendship anyway. Its not someones place to tell someone else how to raise their kid, even if they are right.

 

If you say nothing, you have to live with it. That by saying nothing and continuing on, you silently approve. By doing nothing, you are approving of whats going on. Too often people who watch other people beat their kids say "Its none of my business" But what does that really say?

 

Its pointless to be friends with someone who has a situation with their child you don't approve of. It will always frustrate you. Why even bother dealing with it? People might say - Thats not dealing with the problem. Well sometimes dealing with the problem is putting yourself in a position where you don't have to deal with the problem.

 

The real 'bad advice' is to continue to enable this woman by being there for her and being her emotional pillow and crutch, just like its sounds like her parents are doing. Shes 32 years old. Shes beyond the stage in her life where you can write off her behavior as youthful ignorance. Now its just ignorance.

 

Removing yourself as a friend,and telling them why, shows - Negative behavior = consequences. Even if it saves the kid only one beating, thats more good than most of the other people in her life will do for that kid.

[MLCKAA 415]

Thanks for all the input.

[Ilov80s 0]

Ceasing to be the womans friend is 'doing' something.

 

What Im saying is if you say anything at all, you are really ending the friendship anyway. Its not someones place to tell someone else how to raise their kid, even if they are right.

 

If you say nothing, you have to live with it. That by saying nothing and continuing on, you silently approve. By doing nothing, you are approving of whats going on. Too often people who watch other people beat their kids say "Its none of my business" But what does that really say?

 

Its pointless to be friends with someone who has a situation with their child you don't approve of. It will always frustrate you. Why even bother dealing with it? People might say - Thats not dealing with the problem. Well sometimes dealing with the problem is putting yourself in a position where you don't have to deal with the problem.

 

The real 'bad advice' is to continue to enable this woman by being there for her and being her emotional pillow and crutch, just like its sounds like her parents are doing. Shes 32 years old. Shes beyond the stage in her life where you can write off her behavior as youthful ignorance. Now its just ignorance.

 

Removing yourself as a friend,and telling them why, shows - Negative behavior = consequences. Even if it saves the kid only one beating, thats more good than most of the other people in her life will do for that kid.

 

So the best way to deal with the problem is to not deal with the problem?

[redtodd 7]

Beg her to give it up for adoption.

[edjr 5,611]

Unfit parents? In the US of A? Say it isn't so!!!

[Big Blue 06 195]

If you've really been friends with her for so long, it's your responsibility to say something to her. Tell her that you care about her and the baby and you don't think what she's doing is acceptable behavior. Just sit her down and have a chat with her. Someone needs to point out to her the error in what she's doing and who will do it if not her good friends?

[davebg 0]

You need to tell this person that you can no longer be friends w/someone who finally decided to lose her virginity at the age of 30 an didn't invite you to play Christopher Columbus by helping her to discover the New World.

[Dick Cheney 1]

Have her make Nepalese guy jealous by hooking up with a 14 yr. old boy (or girl)

[mighty_thor 115]

Mybe you don't know all the facts. Do you really know the father well? She may have some good reasons for not wanting the father around. If you have been her friend for 13 years, I would not hastily throw that away. If this was my friend I would try to give her some support. If you stay her friend and she has a boy then maybe you could even take the kid to a ballgame when he gets older or teach him to throw a curve ball. My brother actually did this for an ex-gf who got knocked up by another guy. He helped her out with her boy (not his kid) and he actually ended up being a kind of big brother for the boy and has remained friends with this kid who is now graduating high school. I certainly would not expect you be the kids father figure but helping the kid out would be a more noble thing to do than cutting off a friendship and declaring that this baby is doomed.

[Spider fantasy 0]

Sounds like she just wanted a sperm donor. Everything else aside, if she is excited about the baby, she may make a good mother, but she' s setting hereself and the child up for living off her parents and not knowing independence. I guess if they don't care, why should you?

[biscuitman357 0]

So the best way to deal with the problem is to not deal with the problem?

 

Thats the thing, this is not the OP problem. This is a problem of a woman he knows. He is not 'obligated' to deal with anything.

 

If I get bad service in a restaurant, what do most restaurants do? Sometimes they comp your meal. Sometimes they comp your meal and give you a voucher for a free meal. Why do they do that? Because the absolute worse thing you can do to their business is never come back and tell all your friends that they shouldn't come back either. Even moreso than restaurants, car mechanics. Eventually, they screw enough of the locals, and word gets out on them and they never see another local dime. How man mechanics live simply off of word of mouth?

 

You vote with your feet. The loudest thing you can say is simply never coming back.

 

The OP doesn't really have a problem, he has a moral dilemma. At what point do you impose yourself in someone elses business? Even if you are friends, no one wants to be told how to raise their kids. If you do it, you will irreparably damage that friendship forever. And since the OP doesn't want to live with saying nothing, to live with doing nothing about it at all, he can always 'disapprove' in the one way he can justify. Just walk away and tell the lady why hes killing their friendship.

 

Its the one way of 'doing' something in a context where you will get some effect and in a context where you are disapproving in a context that the OP can justify. (i.e. if you are going to kill the friendship anyway, which you would do anyway just by bringing it up, then might as well make that shot count. Its not the OP place to tell someone how to raise their kid, it is his place however to decided if he wants to be friends with someone anymore)

[MLCKAA 415]

Mybe you don't know all the facts. Do you really know the father well? She may have some good reasons for not wanting the father around. If you have been her friend for 13 years, I would not hastily throw that away. If this was my friend I would try to give her some support. If you stay her friend and she has a boy then maybe you could even take the kid to a ballgame when he gets older or teach him to throw a curve ball. My brother actually did this for an ex-gf who got knocked up by another guy. He helped her out with her boy (not his kid) and he actually ended up being a kind of big brother for the boy and has remained friends with this kid who is now graduating high school. I certainly would not expect you be the kids father figure but helping the kid out would be a more noble thing to do than cutting off a friendship and declaring that this baby is doomed.

 

 

See, this is what I figured. When she first told me she was pregnant and didn't want to have him involved, I assumed the explanation would be that he turns out to be thie major scumbag and she just didn't realize it at first.

 

But when I asked her for an explanation she REFUSED to give one, saying that she chose not to explain and that she would make the right choices for herself and her baby.

 

So, it leaves me thinking that if she had a legit reason then she would explain it to a friend. Instead she has stonewalled me about it. She senses that I disapprove and has basically been shutting me down since revealing the pregnancy. I'm still giving her the benfit of doubt, but all signs point to she is making a really selfish decision.

[SouthGeorgia 2]

You seem like a really decent person that she is counting on to be her friend through this tough time in her life. My advice to you is invite her over for dinner,listen to some music and when she least expects it,shoot her in the back of the head with a highpowered nailgun. Then take one of her eyes out and skullfock her.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

This situation is not uncommon. There are women who are looking for a hookup (variety of reasons which we don't have to get into) and they have no emotional attachment to the man. Having a child is a serious situation which essentially ties you to that person for the rest of your life. If this is a one-nighter, then can you realistically say that you are ready to have that guy (who may be an ass) in your life.

 

I can understand it.

 

That being said, I have also seen women who are selfish and are the ass in this equation. Be prepared that you might be dealing with the "asser" or the "assee"

[drobeski 3,061]

the only advice I can give is to mind your own buisness ?

[brinett9 0]

Be prepared that you might be dealing with the "asser" or the "assee"

Is "assee" an insult like "asstard" and "assnozzle" or is this some special case?

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Is "assee" an insult like "asstard" and "assnozzle" or is this some special case?

 

I was trying to bring a legal feel for the whole "assxxx" craze that we have. I hope that I have not jumped the shark.

[brinett9 0]

I was trying to bring a legal feel for the whole "assxxx" craze that we have. I hope that I have not jumped the shark.

On the contrary, you may be opening up a whole new field of assjurisprudence.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

On the contrary, you may be opening up a whole new field of assjurisprudence.

 

I may make a motion tomorrow for official recognition of such terms. Lord knows that there are plenty of asses in the courthouse on a regular basis.