I need a few good jokes for the weekend

[wiffleball 4,650]

clean/dirty - doesn't matter. Bring on the funny hahahas.

 

I'll start

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

 

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

 

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

 

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

 

"A sea gull ###### in my eye," the pirate replies.

 

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

 

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[Electric Mayhem 35]

What sits on the bottom or the ocean and shakes?

 

 

A nervous wreck

[brinett9 0]

ask redtodd.

 

he has a 14 minute bit on ovaltine that'll make you pee your pants.

[thetxstang 0]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men

along the roadside eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to

eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the

lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife and SIX children with me!"

 

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as

large as the limousine was.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind.

 

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my

place............

 

 

 

 

 

The grass is almost a foot high."

[shmonkeys 0]

What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

pump-kin

[wiffleball 4,650]

 

The grass is almost a foot high."

 

 

[thetxstang 0]

 

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000, 000.00 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000.00 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000.00 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You screw her again."

[GobbleDog 822]

What were Nicole Simpson's last words?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!"

[thetxstang 0]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

 

It was an impossible decision because they were both super employees.

 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

 

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

 

"Can't you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap."

 

 

A penguin was having some problems with his car, so he took it to the garage to get it repaired. The mechanic told him it would probably be a couple of hours, so he decided to walk across the street to the mall and pass some time.

 

So he shopped, looked in the stores, then went to Ben & Jerry's to get a snack. Since penguins have only flippers, and no thumbs or fingers, he had difficulty eating and got his sundae all over himself.

 

A little while later, he went back to the garage.

 

The mechanic said: "Well, it looks like you blew a seal".

 

The penguin replied: "No, its just ice cream."

[p.man 7]

This girl who lives at home with her father is really fat and ugly, and hasn't had a date in years.

One day her father comes home from work and sees his daughter going crazy on the couch while using a vibrator. The father starts with Oh my gosh! What is going on here! His daughter while crying says,

"Listen dad, everyone hates me because I'm ugly and too fat. I can never get anyone to date me.

What else am I supposed to do? The father leaves shaking his head from side to side.

About 2 weeks later the daughter comes home from work and sees her father on the couch with the vibrator. She says, "Dad, what do you think you're doing? As she started to talk he stops her and says, "Now now sweetheart, I don't see anything wrong with your father sitting on the couch, watching the game, and having a beer with my son in-law."

[wiffleball 4,650]

A guy's at the gym in the locker room. He seems this other fella with absolutely NO axx-crack. No Anus. - Nothing - Sealed up tight. He just has to ask:

 

"Hey man, what happened to your butt?"

 

"Well, a few years ago, I was walking on a deserted beach when I tripped over this bottle. I opened it up and sure 'nuff, a Genie popped right out. This genie proceeds to tell me that in his gratitude he'll give me one wish." And I said "No Shiit!"

[Foamfinger 0]

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door only to see a snail on the porch. The man picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

 

Two years later, the man once again hears a knock at the door. He opens the door only to find the same snail on his porch. The snail says, “What the fock was that all about?!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

POW

 

Veal

[parrot 789]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

 

"Who are you?" he asked.

 

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

[frank 2,152]

 

 

A penguin was having some problems with his car

 

 

 

I was already laughing.

[wiffleball 4,650]

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

 

[TommyGavin 790]

the Yankee$ will win the World Series this year.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Good one 'eh ?

 

[rallo 132]

"If you woke up naked, at a campsite, with a used condom hanging out of your arse would you tell anyone???"

 

"no"

 

"Wanna go camping???"

[Toro 1]

What do women and computers have in common?

 

You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.

[Electric Mayhem 35]

A 350 lb. gorilla escapes from the zoo and finds its way into a man's yard and make it him home - tearing up shrubs and making a general mess on the place.

 

The man, witnessing this from his house, calls the local animal control and they tell him to sit tight - they are sending over a specialist.

 

A middle aged man named Frank shows up with a caged dog, a large syringe filled with a green fluid, a bunch of bananas and a large caliber pistol and promptly get to work explaining to the man how he expects to take care of the beast.

 

Frank: "OK sir, here's what were going to do. I'm going to throw the bananas at the gorilla to keep him busy. I will then release the door on the dog cage into the back yard. This is a special dog that has been trained to bite the family jewels and not let go for two full minutes. Then I'm going to go up on the roof. Once the dog has latched onto the gorilla's nuts, I will jump down from the roof and shoot him up with this syringe and he will fall asleep so we can drag him to my truck to be taken back to the zoo."

 

Man: "What about the pistol?"

 

Frank: "Good question. This is the most important part. You are going to hold the pistol. If I fall off the roof you have one job and one job only."

 

Man: "let me guess... shoot the gorilla?"

 

Frank: "Fock that! If I fall off the roof - shoot the dog!!!

[thetxstang 0]

"If you woke up naked, at a campsite, with a used condom hanging out of your arse would you tell anyone???"

 

"no"

 

"Wanna go camping???"

 

[frank 2,152]

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ignition Technition 0]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

 

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

[wiffleball 4,650]

I'm WAITING!!!

[parrot 789]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

[Ignition Technition 0]

Detective smith visits the morgue where he has 3 dead bodies waiting for the paper work to be written up on them. When the covers are pulled back he realises that each of the bodies have a stupid grin on their face, bemused he asks the examiner why they are smiling.

 

'Well the first man, MR Jackson, he passed away after winning the lottery, $109 million.....

 

"the second corpse, MR Jones, passed away whilst focking Pamela Anderson"

 

And the 3rd corpse, MR Wilson, passed away when struck by lightening'. Confused the inspector asked why on earth he was smiling if he was struck by lightening. ' because he thought he was getting his picture taken', replied the examiner.

[thetxstang 0]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

lollerskate! roflcopter!

[Ignition Technition 0]

A guy goes out , and spies a beautiful Chinese girl in the bar he's at. He starts to talk to her, the further the night goes on, the better things are going, so when she asks him if he wants to go to her place for a "coffee " he readily agrees.

 

Back at her flat the lights are low, Barry white is playing on the stereo, and she whispers in his ear suggestively " What do you REALLY want..? " he replies " How about a 69 ? "

 

At this she pulls away saying " If you think I'm going to start cooking at this time of night, you've got another thing coming."

[parrot 789]

AA woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog,and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

 

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

 

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

 

The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith".

[fastfish 0]

2 Iraqi families make it to America after years of trying. They were so happy the men make a bet...whoever is the most "American" after one year must buy the other family dinner at the best restaurant in town. One year later the men meet and the first Iraqi says "I just dropped the kids off at Little League, I'm driving a Chevy truck, my wife has joined the PTA and I'm having a Big Mac for lunch today". The 2nd Iraqi says "fvck you raghead"

[Ravens 03 0]

[brinett9 0]

2 Iraqi families make it to America after years of trying. They were so happy the men make a bet...whoever is the most "American" after one year must buy the other family dinner at the best restaurant in town. One year later the men meet and the first Iraqi says "I just dropped the kids off at Little League, I'm driving a Chevy truck, my wife has joined the PTA and I'm having a Big Mac for lunch today". The 2nd Iraqi says "fvck you raghead"

[ILikeVikes-84 0]

What is a gay horses favorite food?

 

 

HEEYYYY

[Vikings4ever 496]

What's the best thing about focking twenty seven year olds?

 

There's twenty of them.

[jets24 6]

So he says....No soap, radio.

[Flashover 0]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One condom turns to the other & says, "Wanna go in and get shitfaced?"

[brinett9 0]

take my wife.

 

i got nothin.

[randandy 0]

these two cannibals are eating a clown.

 

one cannibal asks the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

[shovelheadt 62]

What's the difference between an Arab with a dot on his forehead and one wearing a towell?

 

Pull start vs. Electric Start