Getting divorced...

[peenie 1,690]

maybe marriage is bullsht.

i mean, who can stay in love forever?

i think love must be a fleeting feeling.

maybe the day to day involvement sucks the love out of you.

i'm so sorry tas.

i hope you can work things out amicably.

 

(or maybe you're a cheater!!! all those gorgeous women in hawaii!!)

[TheNewGirl 1,031]

And you're also getting a lot of really sh!tty advice here.

 

Mistake #1 - Moving out. She gets the upper hand on the house.

 

Mistake #2 - Leaving the kids with her "most of the time because they're so attached to her." She gets the upper hand on the kids and will leverage that for the maximum of cash and prizes she can get.

 

Mistake #3 - Don't you EVER deed the house to her while remaining on the mortgage. Frankly, it shocks me to my core that so many people do this. If you're on the hook for the house, be on the hook for whatever equity that there may ultimately be. To relinquish any actual claim to the real estate while remaining financially responsible for payment (and leaving your credit at SERIOUS risk in someone else's control)... may be the most retarded focking thing anyone can do.

 

You obviously have a lot to learn. Consult an attorney sooner rather than later. You've already worsened your position on all of the most important things to you going forward and those mistakes are not easily undone nor overcome.

 

I gotta agree with Meph on all of this.

 

Especially putting YOUR credit in her hands in regards to the house. She has the power to fock you over big time. And if she's still not gotten used to this whole thing, there is plenty of room for her to get pissed off about something, and then fock you over some more.

 

I am VERY sad to read this though. I don't like hearing about anyone getting divorced or separated. I know you said it's been over for a while, but did you ever consider counseling or anything like that? Different interests and different friends isn't a big deal, IMO...but I guess the love part would bother me. If my husband decided that he wasn't in love with me any more, I'd be devastated.

 

Good luck.

[Chronic Husker 85]

maybe marriage is bullsht.

i mean, who can stay in love forever?

i think love must be a fleeting feeling.

maybe the day to day involvement sucks the love out of you.

peenie, we already know the reason you aren't "involved" is that you've never sucked the love out of anyone.

 

Good luck, TAS.

[penultimatestraw 473]

It doesn't sound like you have any hard feelings, but if you do, purge them from your heart. I've seen too many of my friends go through divorce and never trust women again.

 

And while it's true things can get ugly, especially with kids, divorce can be accomplished without too much financial hardship. I was fortunate and didn't even needed a lawyer.

 

Once you are unattached, I recommend a sexual safari in a foreign country - Japanese women love guys from HI!

[IGotWorms 3,315]

Meph: you sound like one of those people that spends tens of thousands of dollars and years of their life fighting for every last scrap in the divorce. You gotta take the long view with these things. Get the best deal you can get for yourself on an amicable basis and get out.

[Gepetto 988]

You're screwed if you trust her, or anyone for that matter. Get the divorce finalized ASAP. Don't give her the house. Don't move out. It's your house. Also, my condolences. She's the enemy now, no longer on your side, you have to realize that for your own good.

[shotsup 832]

Man Falcon AND TAS both getting a divorce - I''m jealous you two will be out focking young hot chicks all the time yet here I am busy being happily married.

 

Seriously it sucks and good luck to both of you and most of all to the kids involved.

 

PS TAS you said you have a 22 year old and you were with her for (I think) 15 years - divorced before ?

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Seriously. Take my advice.

[Eagles Green 34]

So your kids are going to be raised by a single mom in Hawaii?

 

That's chapter 1 in the book titled: "How I became a Tranny on Meth".

[penultimatestraw 473]

You're screwed if you trust her, or anyone for that matter. Get the divorce finalized ASAP. Don't give her the house. Don't move out. It's your house. Also, my condolences. She's the enemy now, no longer on your side, you have to realize that for your own good.

She's not the enemy, she is still and will continue to be an important part of his life. I'm all for protecting oneself financially and legally if necessary, but this sort of animus and mistrust is a recipe for long term unhappiness.

 

Aren't good people supposed to turn the other cheek and love their enemies?

[cbfalcon 824]

Man Falcon AND TAS both getting a divorce - I''m jealous you two will be out focking young hot chicks all the time yet here I am busy being happily married.

 

Obviously it all sucks, but this is the upside.

 

My split isn't 100% public yet but enough people know so that it's spreading via word of mouth. And I'm shocked by the number of girls that have been on the periphery in recent years that are now all over me. Girls that purported to be friends with the wife, GF's of friends, etc.

 

I'm not posting that to brag (maybe a little). But a guy's confidence in himself when his marriage is falling apart, compared to his confidence as he finds out all these chicks have wanted him all along creates an interesting juxtaposition.

[Mephisto 15]

Meph: you sound like one of those people that spends tens of thousands of dollars and years of their life fighting for every last scrap in the divorce. You gotta take the long view with these things. Get the best deal you can get for yourself on an amicable basis and get out.

 

No. I sound like the guy who did everything possible to make divorce amicable and keep things as "normal" as possible for the kids... until a lawyer got into my ex's ear and told her she could have this and that and this and that and this and that, but the best way to maximize her take was to file for full custody of the kids... and then months after we had agreed to share custody, I was blindsided by a lawsuit...

 

What YOU sound like is the guy who believes everything can be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts and everyone lives happily ever after.

 

All I'm saying is that IS great, but until all the unicorn farts have been bottled and your flower garden is in full bloom with a big, beautiful rainbow beaming overhead - ALWAYS be on your guard.

 

And if you don't believe what I've warned against is the greater reality - you're just stone focking dumb.

[Mephisto 15]

I'm not posting that to brag (maybe a little). But a guy's confidence in himself when his marriage is falling apart, compared to his confidence as he finds out all these chicks have wanted him all along creates an interesting juxtaposition.

 

You know what it creates? Problems. Big focking problems. Keep your d!ck in your pants until it's all over. Ignore this advice at your own peril.

[cbfalcon 824]

You know what it creates? Problems. Big focking problems. Keep your d!ck in your pants until it's all over. Ignore this advice at your own peril.

 

Meh. We decided to split in September. 6 months later and she is already seeing someone. I'm seeing a couple people, but staying away from the girls that could cause drama. (For now ) Most importantly, I know how to keep my activities on the down low just in case.

[peenie 1,690]

peenie, we already know the reason you aren't "involved" is that you've never sucked the love out of anyone.

[Rusty Syringes 478]

[TAS 2]

The house has been an albatross for both of us. Pretty much the only reason we had not done this sooner...well not the only but one of the reasons. She does not particularly want to be friends, but does understand we need to be civil for the kids sake. We both agreed it would be best if I moved out. We were not seeing eye to eye on various things and did not want that to bleed in to our family time. I moved in with Moms for the time being.

 

Nothing has been etched in stone yet, but we have worked out a preliminary payment plan....splitting debt, money for the kids, mortgage (she would assume with me off completely), etc.

 

It is sad, but am excited to move on...so is she (her words). The further I step away the more confident the correct decision was made. I really don't think I could look back at my life when I was 60 and been "happy" staying in it. We are both young enough (41) to pick up the pieces and forge ahead and see what else life has in store.

 

Thanks to all for the well wishes and advice (Mephisto, IGW, Pats), it is much appreciated.

[Mephisto 15]

No problem. My wish for you is that your family comes out on the other side of this as happy and healthy as possible and with minimal conflict. One can hope it's a smooth as you plan for it to be.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

No. I sound like the guy who did everything possible to make divorce amicable and keep things as "normal" as possible for the kids... until a lawyer got into my ex's ear and told her she could have this and that and this and that and this and that, but the best way to maximize her take was to file for full custody of the kids... and then months after we had agreed to share custody, I was blindsided by a lawsuit...

 

What YOU sound like is the guy who believes everything can be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts and everyone lives happily ever after.

 

All I'm saying is that IS great, but until all the unicorn farts have been bottled and your flower garden is in full bloom with a big, beautiful rainbow beaming overhead - ALWAYS be on your guard.

 

And if you don't believe what I've warned against is the greater reality - you're just stone focking dumb.

 

You have warned against a possible reality, sure, but it doesn't turn out that way in every divorce. If you approach it with that kind of attitude (assuming your ex is an evil shrew who lives only to screw you out of your hard-earned money) then it definitely won't be an amicable split.

 

Protect yourself, yes. Automatically assume it will be a battle to the death: maybe hold off on that until you have solid reason to believe it to the be the case.

[peenie 1,690]

tas, are you currently seeing someone else??

[TAS 2]

tas, are you currently seeing someone else??

 

No...not to say that there have not been a lunch or 2.

[JT 137]

Sorry for the split(s). Hoping for the best for you and your children.

 

Have to echo the sentiments of those telling you to cover your ass and quickly.

 

Divorced after almost 20 years together. I requested it, though it came as no shock due to issues that had plagued our relationship for almost half those years.

 

Because it was my idea, I offered a very generous settlement; basically she was going to get all the assets and I was going to take all the debt. In addition, I offered to pay part of the house that was going to remain hers. No kids.

 

I was a fool, operating out of guilt, much of which was unfounded. Even went to the point of writing a draft of the agreement that we had hammered out over many a painful and contentious hour. Our mutual goal was no lawyers, just a dissolution.

 

Within three days she talked with her friend whose Dad is a lawyer, served me with papers to evict me from the house, etc. Forutnately, she was not smart enough to grab that copy of the offer I had made. I immediately got my own lawyer and ended up with a far, far better deal. In retrospect, what I had offered would have broken me financially over time, and my generosity wouldn't have made anything any more amicable.

 

As someone else said, all it takes is one person to get in her ear. Best of luck.

[Mephisto 15]

You have warned against a possible reality, sure, but it doesn't turn out that way in every divorce. If you approach it with that kind of attitude (assuming your ex is an evil shrew who lives only to screw you out of your hard-earned money) then it definitely won't be an amicable split.

 

I didn't say it turned out that way in every divorce. And keeping in mind that it may happen doesn't guarantee a disaster, either. Dumbass.

 

Protect yourself, yes. Automatically assume it will be a battle to the death: maybe hold off on that until you have solid reason to believe it to the be the case.

 

No one suggested that it would "automatically" be any such thing. But take it from someone who entered a divorce process accepting that it was over and doing the easiest, least-hassle way and preparing everything to focus around easing the transition on the kids... you absolutely can go to the mailbox and find a lawsuit for full custody staring you in the face. And if that's what happens, you need to understand that s/he has had time to prepare everything for that end and you have a WHOLE LOTTA catching up to do... if you ever do.

 

When the "solid reason" comes - it's too focking late, genius.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

No one suggested that it would "automatically" be any such thing. But take it from someone who entered a divorce process accepting that it was over and doing the easiest, least-hassle way and preparing everything to focus around easing the transition on the kids... you absolutely can go to the mailbox and find a lawsuit for full custody staring you in the face. And if that's what happens, you need to understand that s/he has had time to prepare everything for that end and you have a WHOLE LOTTA catching up to do... if you ever do.

 

When the "solid reason" comes - it's too focking late, genius.

 

So instead you scheme against each other for years, always making sure you have the upper hand in an imaginary battle of wits. Here's a tip: IT'S OVER. That's what a divorce is. Act like it's over, move on, and you'll be a much happier person for it. It does take two for this to work, yes, but it definitely won't work if you approach it like a neverending battle from the very beginning.

[Gepetto 988]

So instead you scheme against each other for years, always making sure you have the upper hand in an imaginary battle of wits. Here's a tip: IT'S OVER. That's what a divorce is. Act like it's over, move on, and you'll be a much happier person for it. It does take two for this to work, yes, but it definitely won't work if you approach it like a neverending battle from the very beginning.

 

Wake up! Were talking about until the divorce is finalized.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

Wake up! Were talking about until the divorce is finalized.

 

Are you? Because a person can move for a change of custody or child support after the divorce is finalized. What you are really talking about is how you are going to live your life and treat your ex and most importantly your children until the last kid turns 18. That's when it's really finalized.

[shotsup 832]

No...not to say that there have not been a lunch or 2.

 

Was this lunch or two in the Best Buy parking lot by chance ??

[shovelheadt 62]

Sorry for the split(s). Hoping for the best for you and your children.

 

Have to echo the sentiments of those telling you to cover your ass and quickly.

 

Divorced after almost 20 years together. I requested it, though it came as no shock due to issues that had plagued our relationship for almost half those years.

 

Because it was my idea, I offered a very generous settlement; basically she was going to get all the assets and I was going to take all the debt. In addition, I offered to pay part of the house that was going to remain hers. No kids.

 

I was a fool, operating out of guilt, much of which was unfounded. Even went to the point of writing a draft of the agreement that we had hammered out over many a painful and contentious hour. Our mutual goal was no lawyers, just a dissolution.

 

Within three days she talked with her friend whose Dad is a lawyer, served me with papers to evict me from the house, etc. Forutnately, she was not smart enough to grab that copy of the offer I had made. I immediately got my own lawyer and ended up with a far, far better deal. In retrospect, what I had offered would have broken me financially over time, and my generosity wouldn't have made anything any more amicable.

 

As someone else said, all it takes is one person to get in her ear. Best of luck.

 

Here's to hoping you kept a copy of your original offer, wiped your ass with it, and stuck it on her forehead as you were leaving the courthouse.

[Mephisto 15]

So instead you scheme against each other for years, always making sure you have the upper hand in an imaginary battle of wits. Here's a tip: IT'S OVER. That's what a divorce is. Act like it's over, move on, and you'll be a much happier person for it. It does take two for this to work, yes, but it definitely won't work if you approach it like a neverending battle from the very beginning.

 

You've got quite the imagination there, Wormsy. I take it you've never been divorced and understood that with so much at stake, ignoring what divorce lawyers and the family court system do to promote the adversarial post-marital relationship is dangerous to you and your children.

 

But you go right on recommending the falsehood of blissful ignorance.

[penultimatestraw 473]

You've got quite the imagination there, Wormsy. I take it you've never been divorced and understood that with so much at stake, ignoring what divorce lawyers and the family court system do to promote the adversarial post-marital relationship is dangerous to you and your children.

 

But you go right on recommending the falsehood of blissful ignorance.

I've been divorced, and agree with IGW. He isn't advocating ignoring lawyers or acknowledging that divorce can get ugly. He merely is recognizing that your attitude and approach can promote a worse outcome to an already bed situation. It also is not the foundation to reentering a healthy relationship.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

I've been divorced, and agree with IGW. He isn't advocating ignoring lawyers or acknowledging that divorce can get ugly. He merely is recognizing that your attitude and approach can promote a worse outcome to an already bed situation. It also is not the foundation to reentering a healthy relationship.

 

Exactly.

 

I'm not saying you should be stupid. Obviously you need to watch out for your own interests. But you should at least try to resolve things amicably before going all scorched Earth.

[Mephisto 15]

I've been divorced, and agree with IGW. He isn't advocating ignoring lawyers or acknowledging that divorce can get ugly. He merely is recognizing that your attitude and approach can promote a worse outcome to an already bed situation. It also is not the foundation to reentering a healthy relationship.

 

Yes, he is doing exactly that. Read the sh!t he's written. I've warned against possible negative outcomes for not paying attention, keeping your nose clean, and keeping meticulous records. I've warned against not doing anything that would put yourself in a worse position if you want to maximize the time you have with your children post-divorce. I've warned about not making foolish decisions that will hurt you for the rest of your life and put your credit at risk in the power of another person's control.

 

I have not advocated ANYTHING remotely resembling scorched earth. I've advocated smart planning, wise decision-making and self-protection.

 

And all Wormsy has had to say in response to any of it is that my attitude is not conducive to an amicable, butterflies and rainbows result and gone even further, to claim that I've advocated something akin to a "scorched-earth" approach.

 

He's also completely wrong.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

Yes, he is doing exactly that. Read the sh!t he's written. I've warned against possible negative outcomes for not paying attention, keeping your nose clean, and keeping meticulous records. I've warned against not doing anything that would put yourself in a worse position if you want to maximize the time you have with your children post-divorce. I've warned about not making foolish decisions that will hurt you for the rest of your life and put your credit at risk in the power of another person's control.

 

I have not advocated ANYTHING remotely resembling scorched earth. I've advocated smart planning, wise decision-making and self-protection.

 

And all Wormsy has had to say in response to any of it is that my attitude is not conducive to an amicable, butterflies and rainbows result and gone even further, to claim that I've advocated something akin to a "scorched-earth" approach.

 

He's also completely wrong.

 

Everything you've posted in this thread reeks of scorched Earth.

 

Had you simply said: "make sure you are smart, make sure you protect yourself, and keep in mind that your ex can file for a change of custody or alteration of child support down the road" then I would have agreed with you. But instead you are acting like you have to treat this thing as a war from day one. It might end up that way, but hopefully you can avoid it with a little tact and foresight.

[Mephisto 15]

Everything you've posted in this thread reeks of scorched Earth.

 

Had you simply said: "make sure you are smart, make sure you protect yourself, and keep in mind that your ex can file for a change of custody or alteration of child support down the road" then I would have agreed with you. But instead you are acting like you have to treat this thing as a war from day one. It might end up that way, but hopefully you can avoid it with a little tact and foresight.

 

No, I didn't. That's your story. I pointed out the mistakes he's already made, assuming he wants to keep his credit intact, continue to have claim on the home if he's going to voluntarily stay on the mortgage, and have more time with his children if that's what he so wants.

 

You turned it into something far more sinister than I ever did... and no amount of you coming back in this thread and repeating "scorched earth" is going to suddenly make me somehow having posted that.

 

So, you can choose to shut the fock up or you can keep claiming I did something I very clearly didn't do. For fock's sake, he even thanked me for the cautions and advice... and you're still coming back here b!tching like a focking kunt.

[shovelheadt 62]

No, I didn't. That's your story. I pointed out the mistakes he's already made, assuming he wants to keep his credit intact, continue to have claim on the home if he's going to voluntarily stay on the mortgage, and have more time with his children if that's what he so wants.

 

You turned it into something far more sinister than I ever did... and no amount of you coming back in this thread and repeating "scorched earth" is going to suddenly make me somehow having posted that.

 

So, you can choose to shut the fock up or you can keep claiming I did something I very clearly didn't do. For fock's sake, he even thanked me for the cautions and advice... and you're still coming back here b!tching like a focking kunt.

 

kunt = scorched earth

 

(kidding)

[TAS 2]

No, I didn't. That's your story. I pointed out the mistakes he's already made, assuming he wants to keep his credit intact, continue to have claim on the home if he's going to voluntarily stay on the mortgage, and have more time with his children if that's what he so wants.

 

You turned it into something far more sinister than I ever did... and no amount of you coming back in this thread and repeating "scorched earth" is going to suddenly make me somehow having posted that.

 

So, you can choose to shut the fock up or you can keep claiming I did something I very clearly didn't do. For fock's sake, he even thanked me for the cautions and advice... and you're still coming back here b!tching like a focking kunt.

 

Not sure I made mistakes .....yet.

[Mephisto 15]

Not sure I made mistakes .....yet.

 

Yes, actually, you are correct in part... and in those parts I believe you not to be correct, they're solely my opinion (regarding taking less time with the kids in favor of mom), but have generally proven to be true over time in terms of the court maintaining status quo regarding custody.

 

HOWEVER - if that's what works for you, great! And if the schedule is flexible going forward between you and your ex, great!

 

Since you haven't signed over title to the house while remaining on the mortgage, you haven't actually made that mistake... yet.

[TAS 2]

Yes, actually, you are correct in part... and in those parts I believe you not to be correct, they're solely my opinion (regarding taking less time with the kids in favor of mom), but have generally proven to be true over time in terms of the court maintaining status quo regarding custody.

 

HOWEVER - if that's what works for you, great! And if the schedule is flexible going forward between you and your ex, great!

 

Since you haven't signed over title to the house while remaining on the mortgage, you haven't actually made that mistake... yet.

 

Fair enough.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

No, I didn't. That's your story. I pointed out the mistakes he's already made, assuming he wants to keep his credit intact, continue to have claim on the home if he's going to voluntarily stay on the mortgage, and have more time with his children if that's what he so wants.

 

Go back and re-read the thread. One of the first things I asked Tas is if he really wanted to stay on the mortgage for a house he didn't own. I pointed out the same stuff you have but the difference is in approach: I suggested that he at least try to work something out with his wife thar would be workable for both; you launched straight into a tirade involving lawyers and the courts and long, bitter legal battles.

 

So, you can choose to shut the fock up or you can keep claiming I did something I very clearly didn't do. For fock's sake, he even thanked me for the cautions and advice... and you're still coming back here b!tching like a focking kunt.

 

Excuse me for accusing you of scorched earth tactics. Clearly you would never do that.

[Mephisto 15]

Go back and re-read the thread. One of the first things I asked Tas is if he really wanted to stay on the mortgage for a house he didn't own. I pointed out the same stuff you have but the difference is in approach: I suggested that he at least try to work something out with his wife thar would be workable for both; you launched straight into a tirade involving lawyers and the courts and long, bitter legal battles.

 

At no time did I suggest he go all scorched earth. You claimed I did. I didn't. End of story.

 

 

 

Excuse me for accusing you of scorched earth tactics. Clearly you would never do that.

 

Not unless someone accused me of something I didn't do. Calling you a whiny dooshbag still doesn't suddenly mean I suggested to TAS in any way that he go scorched earth or otherwise antagonize his STBEX.

 

Now, you gonna keep coming back here making false claims and try to backpedal your way out of it or are you going to shut the fock up, kunt?

 

My money is on the latter.