The Soilost 28 Posted August 17, 2006 FINALLY, IT'S HERE! For those of you who don't know me, I'm one of the best fantasy football forecasters on the Internet. Who predicted Brandon Stokely's stellar season two years ago? ME. Who predicted Emmitt Smith's return to fantasy football prominence two years ago? ME. Who said Priest Holmes was washed up last year? ME. Why am I so good? Because I've developed a software program that takes into account myriad variables, from weather to a player's off-season conditioning, from family history to crowd support. The number of variables I've factored into my problem now totals more than 50, and like the makers of Coca Cola, I need to keep a majority of them a secret for fear that I'll be ripped off. Rather than include the usual + and - , along with predicted fantasy points scored, I'm just going to provide the rankings. Good luck, guys! QUARTERBACKS 1.) Peyton Manning - The old "man" in this family. 2.) Carson Palmer - Transplanted nutria tendon won't affect Kit Carson's game at all, fellas! 3.) Eli Manning - Could be among the best. 4.) Tom Brady - Here's the story, of a lovely lady ... 5.) Matt Hasselback - Welcome to Planet Matt. 6.) Jake Delhomme - Has the potential to be a Top 5 QB. 7.) Ben Roethlesberger - Him and his bionic face have something to prove 8.) J. Losman - Lose the hose will blast his receivers with touchdowns. 9.) Drew Brees - Breeze right into the stat book, baby ... 10.) Phillip Rivers - Don't be a dumbass and sleep on this guy. He's a rising star. RUNNING BACKS 1.) Frank Gore - Even the matadors are peeing their britches. 2.) Shaun Alexander - Annual No. 2 pick, as always. 3.) Larry Johnson - Electric Larryland in KC, baby! 4.) L. Tomlinson - A damn good running back. 5.) Steven Jackson - This guy is a horse. A safe No. 5 pick. 6.) Clinton Portis - He seems to be excited about what's going on with his team. 7.) Chester Taylor - Chester the End Zone molester. 8.) Willis McGahee - Hee hee, don't tell anyone! 9.) Willie Parker - Willie make it? YES HE WILL!!! 10.) Rudi Johnson - Not the biggest Johnson on the board. WIDE RECEIVERS 1.) Marvin Harrison - He be STARVIN' for more TDs this year. 2.) T. Housemanzotter - Welcome back Zotter! 3.) Donald Driver - Makes Minnie look like a ninnie. 4.) Reggie Wayne - John Wayne would be proud. 5.) Torry Holt - The Torry Story goes on. 6.) Chad Johnson - Bad Chad keeps putting his money where his piehole is. 7.) T. Owens - Owens Country Sausage is always good on a Sunday. 8.) Roy Williamson - Roy Williamson's Roast Beef A-Sammich! 9.) Andre Johnson - Carr's breakout season will put some sparkle into Andre's game. 10.) Larry Fitzgerald - A bargain at No. 10 here. Well, that's it, guys. I don't bother with the kickers and defenses, because you're just going to draft them late anyway. Good luck, and godspeed! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Shepherd 10 Posted August 17, 2006 I want what he's drinking. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fizzelps 0 Posted August 17, 2006 7.) Chester Taylor - Chester the End Zone molester. Gold....pure gold! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TD Ryan2 315 Posted August 17, 2006 *tear* this is focking beautiful man. finally someone with the balls to put some real rankings out there. I still owe it to you Soilost; many a championship I have won following your seemingly outlandish software predictions. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jgcrawfish 232 Posted August 17, 2006 *tear* this is focking beautiful man. finally someone with the balls to put some real rankings out there. I still owe it to you Soilost; many a championship I have won following your seemingly outlandish software predictions. You've got to be kidding?! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Polamalu43 0 Posted August 17, 2006 you sure put a lot of work into those crazy a$$ rankings. I was wondering how many of your top 10 rankings flop. Fun read though Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PackYourNut 47 Posted August 17, 2006 Who is going to be throwing the ball to Lee Evans? Did Jim Kelly come out of retirement... Please advise, oh FF Savant! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TD Ryan2 315 Posted August 17, 2006 Who is going to be throwing the ball to Lee Evans? Did Jim Kelly come out of retirement... Please advise, oh FF Savant! you take the Soilost with a grain of salt. in '04, He predicted Stokely to be the #1 overall WR too... sure, he was off a bit... Stokely wasn't #1 at year's end... but the Soilost was the ONLY one that even had Stokely on the radar. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phillybear 365 Posted August 17, 2006 I have spent many a sleepless night in anticipation of the best rankings by anyone this side of the universe (curse you, Zarquon #12 :shakesfist: ). These rankings have eclipsed all my expectations. In fact, my panties are moist. Thank you, Soilost. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Soilost 28 Posted August 17, 2006 You've got to be kidding?! I have a proven track record, son. You should listen to me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jgcrawfish 232 Posted August 17, 2006 I have a proven track record, son. You should listen to me. Don't get me wrong, I like the cajones you show making your predictions...but you lost me at Lee Evans. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
zmanzzzz 1 Posted August 17, 2006 I have a proven track record, son. You should listen to me. you need more people to vouch for you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Return of the King 0 Posted August 17, 2006 I am surprise you don't have ALex Smith at #1 for qb. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildbluefan 0 Posted August 17, 2006 This ranks right up there with FANTASY FOOTBALL INDEX magazine , putting TATUM BELL on last year's cover !!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RicemanX 20 Posted August 17, 2006 I believe in this more than I believe in most fantasy mags. But do I think it is over 60 % accurate...nah. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
listen2me 23 1,592 Posted August 17, 2006 By putting all mid-level guys or guys who arnt even on the radar in a top 10 you are bound to get one in the top 15 or so....(stokely) Your flop/break out ratio has to be damn bad.... good read tho...something different.... If your serious then Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Know Doubt 0 Posted August 17, 2006 I am surprise you don't have ALex Smith at #1 for qb. He didn't make the list. He's #11. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrassyKnollSniper 0 Posted August 17, 2006 Don't get me wrong, I like the cajones you show making your predictions...but you lost me at Lee Evans. You got farther than I did. I quit reading at "Wali Lundy". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chronic Husker 85 Posted August 17, 2006 The Soloist helped lead me to my league's championship game two of the last three years. He picked up prognostication-wise where t.j. booker left off. Why else do you jerks think he writes for the website? I'm planning on taking these lists to my draft tonight and if I'm lucky I might get the Texans trifecta of Lundi, Johnson, and Carr. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
listen2me 23 1,592 Posted August 17, 2006 1.) Lee Evans - With Moulds gone, Evans is pure money.2.) Troy Williamson - Koren Drunkagain is in trouble, so now it's the Troy show. 3.) Steve Smith - I've never liked this guy, but I suppose he belongs in the Top 5. 4.) Reggie Wayne - John Wayne would be proud. 5.) Torry Holt - The Torry Story goes on. 6.) Chad Johnson - Bad Chad keeps putting his money where his piehole is. 7.) Matt Jones - Jonesing to fill Jimmy's shoes. 8.) Nate Burleson - Don't wait on Nate. 9.) Andre Johnson - Carr's breakout season will put some sparkle into Andre's game. 10.) Larry Fitzgerald - A bargain at No. 10 here. Well, that's it, guys. I don't bother with the kickers and defenses, because you're just going to draft them late anyway. Good luck, and godspeed! by the way i still think troy will is slated as the number 3 WR....he is more of a slot guy.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Franknbeans 46 Posted August 17, 2006 I just soiled myself Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
adam smitty 0 Posted August 17, 2006 How's Stokley gonna do this year? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_scooter 0 Posted August 17, 2006 you take the Soilost with a grain of salt. in '04, He predicted Stokely to be the #1 overall WR too... sure, he was off a bit... Stokely wasn't #1 at year's end... but the Soilost was the ONLY one that even had Stokely on the radar. no, he wasn't. several of us were talking about Stokley, and I had actually spent a 12th round pick on him, all before Soloist came along. And his prediction wasn't that he'd have a great season, his prediction was that he'd be the #1 FFB WR. An interesting, but fairly vanilla list. Basically took everyone else's top 10 and rearranged them with some outlandish changes. Coincedence that it came out after the consensus geek rankings? I think not. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Soilost 28 Posted August 17, 2006 How's Stokley gonna do this year? Maybe a late-round pickup, but otherwises avoid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
parrot 789 Posted August 17, 2006 several of us were talking about Stokley, and I had actually spent a 12th round pick on him, all before Soloist came along. Wow, a 12th rounder?! Clearly you were expecting big things! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ojmcsimpson 0 Posted August 17, 2006 He didn't make the list. He's #11. Actually Charlie Frye was 11th Alex came in at 12. Soil also told me yesterday not to take Marshall Faulk because he will be hurt. and HE WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Striker99 0 Posted August 17, 2006 *tear* this is focking beautiful man. finally someone with the balls to put some real rankings out there. I still owe it to you Soilost; many a championship I have won following your seemingly outlandish software predictions. Amazing!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Baby Jesus 0 Posted August 17, 2006 Soilost, have you thought of selling your computer program to interested parties? I don't know what values your computer program computates, but your predictions have been spot on for a few years now. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_scooter 0 Posted August 17, 2006 Wow, a 12th rounder?! Clearly you were expecting big things! No, but it was a more accurate selection than soloist's "#1 overall WR" prediction. Soilost, have you thought of selling your computer program to interested parties? I don't know what values your computer program computates, but your predictions have been spot on for a few years now. Actually he was wrong about everything last year. hth too bad the database got scrubbed or I'd resurect the classic 2005 predictions. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Soilost 28 Posted August 17, 2006 No, but it was a more accurate selection than soloist's "#1 overall WR" prediction. Actually he was wrong about everything last year. hth too bad the database got scrubbed or I'd resurect the classic 2005 predictions. No, I most certainly was not. While it looked like some of my picks were busts during the first half of the season, those players broke out during the second half and underscored the prediction prowess. I haven't reached the point where I can narrow things down to games or even specific plays, but I'll get there some day. As for the question about the sales potential of my software, I just haven't had the time to progressively pursue it. It's kind of an irony, because I'm working two jobs right now to pay alimony to a wife who left me for the Direct TV installation guy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
football_scooter 0 Posted August 17, 2006 No, I most certainly was not. While it looked like some of my picks were busts during the first half of the season, those players broke out during the second half and underscored the prediction prowess. I haven't reached the point where I can narrow things down to games or even specific plays, but I'll get there some day. As for the question about the sales potential of my software, I just haven't had the time to progressively pursue it. It's kind of an irony, because I'm working two jobs right now to pay alimony to a wife who left me for the Direct TV installation guy. pure gold, Johnny....pure gold. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mack Daddy 0 Posted August 17, 2006 Useful for Sleeper picks, but other than that this is pure garbage. Who in their right mind will select Lee Evans as the #1 WR??? Like someone said in an earlier post, you are bound to get one right when you put a bunch of sleepers in your top ten. Could you please post your top ten for the past three years so we can see your other "Gems"? That might hold SOME weight with me, a little MAYBE..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GrassyKnollSniper 0 Posted August 17, 2006 Soilost, have you thought of selling your computer program to interested parties? I don't know what values your computer program computates, but your predictions have been spot on for a few years now. You can make your own. All you need is a list of NFL players, a wall, and a couple of reasonably sharp darts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mack Daddy 0 Posted August 17, 2006 You can make your own. All you need is a list of NFL players, a wall, and a couple of reasonably sharp darts. Now that is classic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
listen2me 23 1,592 Posted August 17, 2006 You can make your own. All you need is a list of NFL players, a wall, and a couple of reasonably sharp darts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteWonder 2,248 Posted August 17, 2006 i dont know whats funnier, the rankings themselves or the retarded comments he put after them... "da-do ron ron ron" ? are you focking kidding me? im driving in my carr.... oh i get it because carr is like car with an extra r, good one Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KSB2424 3,087 Posted August 17, 2006 Never, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of the Soilost. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jgcrawfish 232 Posted August 17, 2006 No, I most certainly was not. While it looked like some of my picks were busts during the first half of the season, those players broke out during the second half and underscored the prediction prowess. I haven't reached the point where I can narrow things down to games or even specific plays, but I'll get there some day. As for the question about the sales potential of my software, I just haven't had the time to progressively pursue it. It's kind of an irony, because I'm working two jobs right now to pay alimony to a wife who left me for the Direct TV installation guy. Prolly cause he's good laying cable...oh yeah, and because even your average DUMBARSE DirectTV install shmuck knows that Lee Evans ain't gonna be the #1 WR in the league in this lifetime or any other. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Soilost 28 Posted August 17, 2006 pure gold, Johnny....pure gold. No kidding. I'd like to see someone else try to factor in how the nation's terror threat level affects crowd motivation and player performance. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites