The Friendship Recession: Americans Without Friends Increased 400% Since 1990

[Blue Horseshoe 348]

 

 

The Friendship Recession

.....Richard Reeves, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, discusses the importance of friendships and the potential “friendship recession.” He notes that loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes per day, but measuring and quantifying friendships is difficult. According to Reeves, an ideal number of close friends is around three or four.....But alarmingly, 15% of young men today report having no close friends, compared to 3% in the 1990s. The COVID pandemic has further tested friendship networks, with women being the most affected due to their friendships’ reliance on physical contact. Other factors likely have contributed to the decline in friendships in the 21st-century U.S., including geographical mobility, parenting demands, workism, and relationship breakdowns.....

....Reeves emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and nurturing friendships as they don’t form spontaneously. Admitting the desire for friends requires vulnerability and openness, which may be difficult for some individuals...Over the past three decades, the number of close friends Americans have has plummeted....This friendship recession is particularly bad for men. The percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half since 1990, from 55 percent to 27 percent. The study also found the percentage of men without any close friends jumped from 3 percent to 15 percent, a fivefold increase....Single men fare the worst. One in five American men who are unmarried and not in a romantic relationship report not having any close friends.....

.....The bad news doesn’t end there. Not only do men have smaller friendship circles, they report being less emotionally connected to the friends they do have. Both men and women benefit from developing strong emotional bonds with their friends.....The study finds that women report far higher rates of emotional engagement with and support from their friends. This type of intimacy matters. Americans who receive regular emotional support from their friends are far less likely to report feeling anxious or alone than those who do not, and this is true independent of how many friends they have.....There are structural factors at work as well....we found that higher rates of loneliness among Millennials was due primarily to lower religious involvement, lower marriage rates, and greater geographic mobility. Once accounting for these factors, Millennials were not lonelier than Baby Boomers. If men are marrying later than women on average and are less connected to religious communities, it may further exacerbate the friendship gap.....

....A final explanation may be found in changes in the workplace. The most common place Americans develop close friendship is on the job. Most men and women say they formed a close friendship at work. But as Americans work longer hours, switch jobs more often, and increasingly avoid coming to the office at all, developing workplace friendships may prove more difficult.....One of the most important things that friendships require is time. In adolescence, Americans prioritize their friendships in a way they do not at any other point in their life. At age 18, we are spending more than two hours a day, on average, with our friends, but this drops precipitously over the ensuing decade. By the time we reach middle age, Americans are devoting only about 30 minutes a day to maintaining their friendships. This is simply not enough. We should rededicate time to fostering friendships, at work, in our neighborhoods, and even online. Few investments provide such an immediate and enduring reward while entailing so little risk....

https://bigthink.com/series/explain-it-like-im-smart/friendship-recession/

https://www.nationalreview.com/2021/07/american-men-suffer-a-friendship-recession/

 

[weepaws 3,194]

I wonder f the internet has anything to do with that.  Thanks OP.  

[Drizzay 722]

Do you guys count as my friends?

[frank 2,307]

 

[frank 2,307]

 

[JustinCharge 2,397]

If you ever go into a Denny's, they often have framed photos of Denny's from decades past hanging on the walls.   One of them in particular shows a lunch counter from probably 60 years ago.  You'll notice every seat at the counter is filled, and adults in suits and work clothes are sitting there eating lunch, and they are all talking and smiling and being extroverted and friendly.  Then you look around the Denny's of today and you'll see the lunch counter is gone.  Its all isolated booths, and creepy people with tattoos and ragged clothes are sitting there quietly, hunched over their food like animals, no-one talking, no-one daring to eye a stranger as if they are in the ghetto and if you make eye contact someone will shive you.

Social skills in America have utterly collapsed.  America has changed from a friendly people looking to make a better future to a bunch of confident punks trying to get theirs at the expense of others.

[GutterBoy 2,899]

3 hours ago, JustinCharge said:

 

Social skills in America have utterly collapsed.  America has changed from a friendly people looking to make a better future to a bunch of confident punks trying to get theirs at the expense of others.

You're actually correct about something.

What if the attitudes we created in the 80s of materialism, individualism and cutthroat success have led to a society where people only care about themselves and their own well being.

[listen2me 23 1,873]

My local diner has a lunch counter where many regulars sit.  Everyone talks to eachother.   The woman owner who also does most all the waitressing doesn't write anything down and knows everyones name.  

Society has definitely went introvert.  I think much more so in bigger cities.  

[dogcows 1,030]

Meanwhile, Words with Friends went up 400%.

[edjr 6,593]

I flew to Vegas last June to meet with Bert. I am focked. 

[Fnord 2,275]

This is why I still play fantasy football.

One weekend every year, a dozen of us, along with a few hangers-on, get together "for the draft." Our league is entering it's 26th season, no one really cares about fantasy anymore, some guys don't even pay attention to the NFL. We're there for each other.

For a couple days in late August we eat, drink, smoke, joke, and toke. At some point we set aside a few hours for the draft, but the real event is just guys hanging out, catching up, having fun and laughing a lot.

We've gone through marriages, divorces, having kids, relocations. We've been together as we buried each other's parents, spouses, and even kids. Dealt with cancer, organ transplants, and now someone transitioning. I hope everyone has something equivalent in their lives. Don't know what I'd do without those guys.

[MTSkiBum 1,620]

I don't have very many friends.

At any one time I might have 3-4 friends, right now I have 2 friends and then another acquaintance/occasional fishing buddy.  In addition one of my "friends" lives in Denver and we only hang out a few times a year. Although we play fortnite together 2-3 times a month and catch up that way.

This doesn't bother me, I spend time so much time with my family i find it tough to make time for what little friends I have. I am not sure how i could make time to have more friends.

[jerryskids 6,799]

On 6/20/2023 at 3:21 AM, GutterBoy said:

You're actually correct about something.

What if the attitudes we created in the 80s of materialism, individualism and cutthroat success have led to a society where people only care about themselves and their own well being.

It actually started in the 60s/70s, as I'll discuss below.

10 hours ago, MTSkiBum said:

I don't have very many friends.

At any one time I might have 3-4 friends, right now I have 2 friends and then another acquaintance/occasional fishing buddy.  In addition one of my "friends" lives in Denver and we only hang out a few times a year. Although we play fortnite together 2-3 times a month and catch up that way.

This doesn't bother me, I spend time so much time with my family i find it tough to make time for what little friends I have. I am not sure how i could make time to have more friends.

I'm similar, as is my wife.

I'm really interested in this topic, and recently heard a podcast from "No Stupid Questions" in the Freakonomics network that discussed the difficulty of making friends as an adult:

https://freakonomics.com/podcast/is-it-harder-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/

In it they talked about the decline of the "3rd place."  The first two places are home and work -- Americans used to attend a bunch of additional places which led to friends - like church and bowling.  They talked a lot about bowling because it was the title of an apparently well-known book by a sociologist who studied this phenomenon:

https://www.amazon.com/Bowling-Alone-Collapse-American-Community/dp/0684832836?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1686332808&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=freakonomic08-20&linkId=0e7fd6d3a6d75d868f287fe08cb2a4b0&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl

Quote

Updated to include a new chapter about the influence of social media and the Internet—the 20th anniversary edition of Bowling Alone remains a seminal work of social analysis, and its examination of what happened to our sense of community remains more relevant than ever in today’s fractured America.

Twenty years, ago, Robert D. Putnam made a seemingly simple observation: once we bowled in leagues, usually after work; but no longer. This seemingly small phenomenon symbolized a significant social change that became the basis of the acclaimed bestseller, Bowling Alone, which The Washington Post called “a very important book” and Putnam, “the de Tocqueville of our generation.”

Bowling Alone surveyed in detail Americans’ changing behavior over the decades, showing how we had become increasingly disconnected from family, friends, neighbors, and social structures, whether it’s with the PTA, church, clubs, political parties, or bowling leagues. In the revised edition of his classic work, Putnam shows how our shrinking access to the “social capital” that is the reward of communal activity and community sharing still poses a serious threat to our civic and personal health, and how these consequences have a new resonance for our divided country today. He includes critical new material on the pervasive influence of social media and the internet, which has introduced previously unthinkable opportunities for social connection—as well as unprecedented levels of alienation and isolation.

At the time of its publication, Putnam’s then-groundbreaking work showed how social bonds are the most powerful predictor of life satisfaction, and how the loss of social capital is felt in critical ways, acting as a strong predictor of crime rates and other measures of neighborhood quality of life, and affecting our health in other ways. While the ways in which we connect, or become disconnected, have changed over the decades, his central argument remains as powerful and urgent as ever: mending our frayed social capital is key to preserving the very fabric of our society.

That was written in 2000 originally, but the 2020 edition apparently adds a lot about the internet into the discussion.

In reading the intro I saw the author referenced a more recent book called The Upswing, where he compares the individualism of the late 1800s to that of today, and how in between we had improved in community.

https://www.amazon.com/Upswing-America-Together-Century-Again/dp/1982129158/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1XYV8NN2BUMY&keywords=the+upswing+how+america+came+together+a+century+ago&qid=1687404344&sprefix=the+upswing%2Caps%2C161&sr=8-1

Quote

From the author of Bowling Alone and Our Kids, a “sweeping yet remarkably accessible” (The Wall Street Journal) analysis that “offers superb, often counterintuitive insights” (The New York Times) to demonstrate how we have gone from an individualistic “I” society to a more communitarian “We” society and then back again, and how we can learn from that experience to become a stronger more unified nation.

Deep and accelerating inequality; unprecedented political polarization; vitriolic public discourse; a fraying social fabric; public and private narcissism—Americans today seem to agree on only one thing: This is the worst of times.

But we’ve been here before. During the Gilded Age of the late 1800s, America was highly individualistic, starkly unequal, fiercely polarized, and deeply fragmented, just as it is today. However as the twentieth century opened, America became—slowly, unevenly, but steadily—more egalitarian, more cooperative, more generous; a society on the upswing, more focused on our responsibilities to one another and less focused on our narrower self-interest. Sometime during the 1960s, however, these trends reversed, leaving us in today’s disarray.

In a “magnificent and visionary book” (The New Republic) drawing on his inimitable combination of statistical analysis and storytelling, Robert Putnam analyzes a remarkable confluence of trends that brought us from an “I” society to a “We” society and then back again. He draws on inspiring lessons for our time from an earlier era, when a dedicated group of reformers righted the ship, putting us on a path to becoming a society once again based on community. This is Putnam’s most “remarkable” (Science) work yet, a fitting capstone to a brilliant career.

I haven't read either book yet, but the pod is 45 minutes and worth a listen.   

[frank 2,307]

 

[frank 2,307]

 

[frank 2,307]

 

[GutterBoy 2,899]

I have a core group of 4 friends that I've had since college, fraternity brothers.  We're scatted over the east Coast and get together about once a year.  Then I have local friends that I've made from the community, mostly through kids activities, coaching, etc.  During covid I lost contact with all my local friends.  Started to reconnect a bit this past year but not like it was.

I was approached recently at an event from a guy that runs a men's fitness program that is geared around being social as well.  I may check that out.

[listen2me 23 1,873]

Jesus, I don't want to get old.

[Bier Meister 1,710]

i have to say that recently, more than any other factor, work has interfered with my social life. I receive a lot of spontaneous contact from clients which dampens off -work activities.

 

A group of my friends in the wine community are getting together for what is going to be a very fun lunch tomorrow.  I had a meeting pop up for a new high end customer in Healdsburg which cannot be rescheduled.  very disappointing having to pass on many fun events.

[MTSkiBum 1,620]

12 hours ago, jerryskids said:

It actually started in the 60s/70s, as I'll discuss below.

I'm similar, as is my wife.

I'm really interested in this topic, and recently heard a podcast from "No Stupid Questions" in the Freakonomics network that discussed the difficulty of making friends as an adult:

https://freakonomics.com/podcast/is-it-harder-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/

In it they talked about the decline of the "3rd place."  The first two places are home and work -- Americans used to attend a bunch of additional places which led to friends - like church and bowling.  They talked a lot about bowling because it was the title of an apparently well-known book by a sociologist who studied this phenomenon:

https://www.amazon.com/Bowling-Alone-Collapse-American-Community/dp/0684832836?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1686332808&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=freakonomic08-20&linkId=0e7fd6d3a6d75d868f287fe08cb2a4b0&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl

That was written in 2000 originally, but the 2020 edition apparently adds a lot about the internet into the discussion.

In reading the intro I saw the author referenced a more recent book called The Upswing, where he compares the individualism of the late 1800s to that of today, and how in between we had improved in community.

https://www.amazon.com/Upswing-America-Together-Century-Again/dp/1982129158/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1XYV8NN2BUMY&keywords=the+upswing+how+america+came+together+a+century+ago&qid=1687404344&sprefix=the+upswing%2Caps%2C161&sr=8-1

I haven't read either book yet, but the pod is 45 minutes and worth a listen.   

 

Another reason is that fathers are spending more time with kids nowadays compared to historical average. 

The more time you spend with your family the less time you will have for friends.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-4-how-mothers-and-fathers-spend-their-time/#:~:text=Fathers have nearly tripled their,mothers did in the 1960s.

 

[MTSkiBum 1,620]

55 minutes ago, listen2me 23 said:

Jesus, I don't want to get old.

Aren't we the same age?

[listen2me 23 1,873]

49 minutes ago, MTSkiBum said:

Aren't we the same age?

Possibly close.   Ill be 35 in August.  

[MTSkiBum 1,620]

7 minutes ago, listen2me 23 said:

Possibly close.   Ill be 35 in August.  

Ok, I thought you were a few years older. I am 5 1/2 years older than you.  It is not age that kills friendships, it is kids.

[Blue Horseshoe 348]

 

 

The Terrible Price of Our Epidemic of Male Loneliness

.....The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness. Baker describes men as cut off from friendships by the rigid over scheduled demands of the American dream; the demands of work and family, car pools and commutes.....describes his own limited social life as being made up of “friends at work and at the gym,” friends, who he calls, “accidents of proximity.”.....He agreed that my story was very typical. When people with children become overscheduled, they don’t shortchange their children, they shortchange their friendships. “And the public health dangers of that are incredibly clear,” …Loneliness has been linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke and the progression of Alzheimer’s. One study found that it can be as much of a long-term risk factor as smoking.....”

.....A 2010 AARP study shows that 1 in 3 Americans, age 45 plus, are chronically lonely. And those numbers are up from 1 in 5 just ten years earlier. That’s 44 million men and women, at risk, right now, today. And long term chronic loneliness indeed is equal to smoking as factor for early mortality but the story here isn’t just one of health risks.....Our American epidemic of loneliness is degrading our collective social contract which relies on healthy diverse connected communities to bridge across a vast range of social, religious, racial and political tensions. People trapped in isolation cannot access community. Community falters without human beings who can engage those around them.....a researcher from Britain’s University of Oxford presented study results that most guys understand intuitively: Men need an activity together to make and keep a bond. Women can maintain friendships over the phone…Dudes aren’t going to maintain a bromance that way, or even over a once-in-a-blue-moon beer. We need to go through something together. That’s why, studies have shown, men tend to make their deepest friends through periods of intense engagement, like school or military service or sports. That’s how many of us are comfortable....

....a set of rigid expectations that define what a “real man” is. Rule #1 of the Man Box? Real men don’t show their emotions, other than perhaps anger and excitement. The rules go on, but for our purposes, we’ll focus on the deep seated prohibition against emotional expression by men.....Why does our culture of male emotional toughness prohibit men’s emotional expression? The short answer is because, ridiculously, we have gendered emotionally centered capacities like empathy, care giving and nurturing .....Many boys never have the opportunity to explore and grow these relational capacities at all, taught from birth instead to “man up” and “be a man” elevating toughness and assertiveness over connection and empathy. Which leaves millions of men with only emotionally guarded ways of forming friendships. They simply lack the relational capacities to connect emotionally.....

....The end result for men is higher rates of violence, drug abuse, unemployment, alcoholism, divorce, and suicide. Men are lashing out, unable to manage the challenges of unemployment or aging, unable to resource themselves via real and vibrant friendships in their lives because they are trapped in a model of manhood that does not allow them to ask for help....

https://remakingmanhood.medium.com/the-terrible-price-of-our-epidemic-of-male-loneliness

 

*******

Something to observe is this kind of discussion did not enter the mainstream MSM until it started costing "money" 

People not seeking the "optimal" earning path, no matter the brutal sacrifice, and also foregoing having children, means hurting the overall tax base. Now and in the future. 

If you create a society, via active public policy, that punishes the everyday average person. They aren't going to want to have children. The "elites" can't have their cattle if the "cattle" stop procreating. You can put your foot on someone's neck and make it impossible for them to retire or buy a home or afford a current college education, but you can't ( as of yet) put a gun to their head and force them to have children, or more children. 

[JustinCharge 2,397]

A big problem is that people dont want to be nagged.  Sports used to be an escape and social activity.  Now its filled with helicopter parents nagging or social justice warriors nagging.  A bowling league will get infected by both as well now.  Even bars are filled with political statements now.  
 

All the meetings places and watering holes are infected.  And you cant just remove it as it is pervasive.  You cant say “i want to separate politics from sports” when they paint political messsaging in end zones, the announcing teams do political human interest stories, and run entire video montages during games that are political.  So people just stop going to social events and its harder to make friends. 

[Blue Horseshoe 348]

 

 

Florida woman spiked man's drink with cockroach spray after they met at a bar, authorities say

.....A Florida woman allegedly spiked a man's drinks with Raid roach spray after the pair met at a local bar. Veronica Cline, 29, is charged with poisoning food or drink, the Volusia County Sheriff's Office said Friday.....Deputies were called to a home in Deleon Springs around 4:30 a.m. where they met the man, who had become ill. He said he came home with Cline after she asked him to continue drinking with her.....He said he had two drinks and began feeling sick. Cline allegedly admitted to him to spiking the two drinks with the roach spray....

...."The victim told deputies he was vomiting for about 30 minutes before he was able to call for help," the sheriff's office said. "He became sick again while providing his statement to a deputy."....Cline wasn't at the home when deputies arrived. A law enforcement K-9 tracked her down and she was taken into custody. She was being held in the Volusia County Branch Jail without bond pending her first court appearance...Authorities didn't reveal if Cline provided a motive for the alleged poisoning.....

https://www.yahoo.com/news/florida-woman-spiked-mans-drink-191158471.html

 

****

A larger question becomes what are the practical mechanisms to "meet" new people? Once you get out of college, the world tends to get smaller for most people. There are some heavy drawbacks by getting "too close" to people that you work with, and every other venue ( gym, social groups, hobby groups, etc, etc) also carries some basic risk to it. You can do more to get to know people you don't know already, but then there's the investment of time and risk. 

I'm not saying people shouldn't take some risks in life, but clearly social norms across the board are starting to erode and that complicates things even more. 

[Blue Horseshoe 348]