What is your best joke?

[GuidingLight 3]

I need funny, fast..... tia

[MDC 5,931]

A pirate walks into a bar and he's got a wheel sticking out of the crotch of his pants.

 

The bartender says "Hey, did you know you've got a wheel sticking out of the crotch of your pants?"

 

The pirate says "Arrrrr ... it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

***

 

What's the number 1 gay bar pickup line?

 

Can I push your stool in?

 

***

 

How do gay guys fake an orgasm?

 

They spit on your back.

 

***

 

What does grandma's ###### taste like?

 

Depends.

 

 

 

 

 

[IndyTom 0]

'A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

 

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

 

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

 

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

 

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

 

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

 

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

 

"But ya f*ck one goat..."'

[p.man 7]

A woman's cleaning her teenage son's room when she finds an S&M magazine.

She tells her husband, and then says, "What should we do?"

He says, "I'm pretty sure we shouldn't spank him."

 

 

 

Three guys are arguing at a party about who has the best memory.

The first guy says, "I can remember my mother putting on my diaper."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember being born."

The third guy says, "That's nothing. I can remember going to a party with my father and coming home with my mother."

[Thornton Melon 546]

A termite walks into a bar, picks out and empty barstool, sits downs and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[rallo 132]

i only have one joke i can think of right now... i've said it around here before... it's kinda funny.

 

it's a pick-up line

 

"wanna go to dinner and a movie??? by dinner i mean sex, and by movie i mean we're taping it"

 

 

 

 

 

wait a sexist joke i just thought of...

 

"why don't women need to wear watches??"

 

"because there is a clock conviently located on the stove..."

 

now get back in the kitchen and make me a sammich

[JT 137]

I was having lunch with Charles Manson, and he looked at me and said "Am I crazy, or is it hot in here?"

[p.man 7]

Redtodd did a show for two hundred midgets.

He got a standing ovation and didn't even know it.

 

[p.man 7]

A daughter lives at home with her father. The father walks in to find his daughter doing herself with her vibrator. He says, "My God! What are you doing?"

She says, "Dad, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband." A few minutes later, her mother walks in, and she's doing herself with the vibrator again.

She says "My God! What are you doing?" She says "Mommy, I'm forty years old. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'll never get married. This is my husband."

 

The next day, the mother and daughter go out shopping. When they get home, they walk into the family room, and there's the father...he's got a beer in one hand, and he's got the vibrator sitting next to him on the couch. His daughter says, "My God! What are you doing?" He says, "Listen, I don't see anything wrong with having a beer and watching the game with my son-in-law.

[Giants Fan 85]

A guy is stranded on a desert island for 16 years, and one day he finds a lamp in the sand on the beach. He starts to polish the lamp, and POOF! A Geenie appears.

 

"It's about friggin time!" says the Geenie. "I've been in that lamp for 108 years! Oh ... you, yeah I guess I owe you some wishes."

 

"Great!" says the guy, "I want a yacht, loaded with cash, $1 million dollars"

 

"Whoa, who, whoa ... that's 2 wishes, a yacht and a million dollars?" says the Geenie

 

"Ok, make it 10 million then .... 2 wishes."

 

"Five, I'll even throw in a Ferrari. 1 more."

 

"Ok ... I want a bridge from here to Hawaii, so I can just drive back here whenever I want, it's kinda like home now ..."

 

"Do you have any idea what that would take?" barks the Geenie, "We'd need to hire engineers, and there's crazy labor and construction costs ..."

 

"Ok. OK!" ... says the man. "I just want to understand women then. How they feel, what makes them tick, so I will always know the perfect thing to say to any woman I meet."

 

and the Geenie says, "You want 2 lanes or 4?"

[Drizzay 648]

I've posted this one before, but....

 

Did you here the one about the giant with diarrhea?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh yea, it's all over town!

 

[p.man 7]

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.

After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."

That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He says, "To the kitchen."

She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."

She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She says, "You forgot my focking toast."

[iceblumist610 0]

My favorite racist joke. . .

 

Why do black people smell?

 

 

So blind people know who to hate.

 

(although, the racist joke on the Boondock Saints was pretty sweet too)

 

My favorite sexist jokes. . .

 

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

 

 

 

Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

 

 

 

 

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

 

 

Because she's a woman.

 

 

 

 

Inoffensive jokes are worthless.

[lambert58 56]

My Brother's son was born without any eyelids. The first couple of days they had to keep patches over his eyes to keep the light out.

 

When he was circumcised they used the excess skin to graft eyelids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His vision is fine but he is a little c0ck eyed..

[football_scooter 0]

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.

After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."

That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He says, "To the kitchen."

She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."

She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She says, "You forgot my focking toast."

 

never heard this one before...made me lol.

 

The pirate "driving me nuts" is an old favorite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So a guy walks into a bar & sits down. Joint's empty except for the barkeep, who's cleaning up around the bar, restocking, etc.

 

Guy orders a beer, and the bartender goes back about his business at the other end of the bar.

 

Out of nowhere, he hears a voice! "Wow, you look terrific!"

 

Guy looks around - no one. Just the bartender 20' away.

 

"No, really! Did you get a haircut? New suit? You look fantastic!"

 

Guy's really perplexed now.

 

"Man, that's one nice looking chin you've got there!"

 

He realizes it's coming from the bowl of coctail almonds in front of him. He says to the bartender, "hey man, what's with these nuts?"

 

Bartender says, "Oh, they're complimentary."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But that actually wasn't my best. My best is really, really offensive.

 

 

 

 

Child molester & a kid are walking into the dark creepy woods.

 

Kid says, "Mr., I'm scared!"

 

Child molester says, "you're scared?!? I've gotta walk out of here alone!"

 

[Giants Fan 85]

More desert island jokes:

 

2 male lawyers are stranded on a desert island, and after years of being stranded, they see a beautiful naked woman walking out of the waves.

 

"Do you see that?" says 1 lawyer

 

"Yeah, yeah ... I see it!" says the other

 

"She gorgeous!" says first

 

"Yep ... she sure is hot, and TOTALLY NAKED!" says the other lawyer

 

"Well, let's fock her!" says the first lawyer ...

 

and the second lawyer says, "Outta what?"

 

------

 

Guy is stranded on a desert island, gorgeous woman in a scuba style suit swims up.

 

"Hey, my boat sank over there, so I swam to this island. You wanna beer?"

 

"YOU HAVE BEER!?" exclaims the man,

 

"Sure," she says, "Funny I was just grabbing for anything I could ... grabbed a couple cold beers floating in the surf." and she undoes part of her diving outfit to reveal 2 ice cold beers. "Cheers! Hey, I sure could use a smoke ... you got a lght?"

 

"YOU HAVE CIGARETTES!?" exclaims the man

 

"Yeah, trying to quit, I have 2 left, 1 sec ..." and she takes off more of her outfit and produces 2 smokes.

 

"Say, " says the nearly naked woman, "You look like you've been here a long time ... you uh ... wanna play a round?"

 

"YOU HAVE GOLF CLUBS!?" exclaims the man

[Giants Fan 85]

It's all in how you tell it. Here's a crassic:

 

2 young women go to the zoo, and they come across the gorilla cage ... well Zeus, the silverback gorilla kinda smells some pheromones or something, and gets a massive erection. Massive ... like 2 feet. So the girls are flashing him and teasing him and taking pictures with a camera phone, when Zeus freaks out, runs up and bends the bars open, grabs one of the young girls ... and just starts going at it in the bushes.

 

Her friend freaks out, and runs to get the zookeeper, but it's like an hour before they can tranquilize the beast and they rush the poor girl to the hospital.

 

Her friend comes to visit and she says, "I'm so sorry ... I didn't know what to do ... tell me one thing, does it hurt?"

 

And the girl says, "Of course it hurts! He never calls, he never writes."

 

 

 

Those are my favorite jokes ... but that Geenie joke is the best, because you can tell it to a man or a woman, a Christian or a Jew ... abd everybody gets it.

 

I sigh when I tell it.

 

"SIGH ... you want 2 lanes or 4?"

 

But the joke is entertaining, and funny the whole way through (the annoyed Geenie). The punch line is great, but it's the whole story that makes it a good joke.

[p.man 7]

Two bananas are laying by a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Come on in! The water feels great!"

One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that sh!t?

 

 

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom, and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there's a whole wall full of fluffy toys.

Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys. He focks her. They get done, and he says, "How was I?"

She says, "Take anything from the bottom shelf."

[redtodd 7]

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.

After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."

That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He says, "To the kitchen."

She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."

She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She says, "You forgot my focking toast."

 

[Giants Fan 85]

Ever heard the clown joke?

 

The idea is, it goes on forever. Joke starts with a guy, chosen out of a crowd ... and made fun of by a clown., "Lok at this guy with the freckles and the curly red hair! I just dress up like this."

 

So, the joke goes on for like 20 minutes, guy goes to clown school, comes back, ready to take on the clown ... and he does the same joke, "Look at this guy, with the curly red hair ...."

 

And the guy says, "Hey .... fock you clown."

 

That's the punchline. After years of practice, that's what he come's up with. "Hey, fock you clown."

 

Great joke, IMO.

[Voice_Of_Reason 0]

Adam is talking to God. Adam says "God, I'm really lonely. The boy cows have girl cows. The boy horses have girl horses. Is there anything you can do for me?"

 

God says "Sure Adam. I can make your the most wounderful creature on the planet. I can make you the most gorgeous, smart, intelligent, sexy, creature to ever walk the earth. But it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg."

 

Adam thinks for a second..."What could I get for just a rib?"

[Mrdirt73 0]

Adam is talking to God. Adam says "God, I'm really lonely. The boy cows have girl cows. The boy horses have girl horses. Is there anything you can do for me?"

 

God says "Sure Adam. I can make your the most wounderful creature on the planet. I can make you the most gorgeous, smart, intelligent, sexy, creature to ever walk the earth. But it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg."

 

Adam thinks for a second..."What could I get for just a rib?"

See, even God isn't sure about the whole "you, your, you're" thing.

[redtodd 7]

Why did God create women?

 

To carry the semen from the bed to the toilet.

[He Like Me 0]

Racist but still funny.......

 

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?

 

"I freed who?!"

 

[peenie 1,699]

these are funny jokes

[cmh6476 766]

my real life stories are better than jokes i have

[kilroy69 1,013]

man walkes into a bar and says hey barkeep I bet you 100 bucks I can make that horse out there laugh.

 

Barkeep thinks it over and says ok you got a deal. Man walks out whispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts to laugh.

 

The man comes in to collect and starts feeling bad for the old barkeep. So he offers him double or nothing if he can now make him cry. The barkeep agrees thinking that there is no way its going to happen.

 

The man goes out and shows something to the horse and he starts just bawling his eyes out.

 

Man come in to get his money and the barkeep says I will give it to you on one condition. You have to tell me how you did it.

 

The man says well to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger D!ck than him.

 

Barkeep says well how did you make him cry?

 

The man says " I showed him"

[p.man 7]

Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He examines her.

He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen."

When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a huge

mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, and stands on the

mirror. She's just about to look down when her husband walks in early from work.

He says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "Ummm...I'm just exercising."

He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

 

 

A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys. He throws the monkey a peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.

The guy goes, "Yuk!"

He throws the monkey another peanut. The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his rear end, pulls it out, and eats it.

The guy goes, "Yuk!"

He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very stupid monkey."

The zookeeper says, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first."

[zmanzzzz 1]

why do black people smell?

 

so blind people can hate them too.

[phillybear 365]

What's brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

A stick.

[Big_Pete 0]

A guy is on a medical leave of absence from work to get a sex change.

When he comes back to work, all his co-workers start talking about him

A few of them come up to him and say "wow, so you really went through with it huh? so tell me, how painful was it?

The new female said "well, it wasn't too bad except for this one part.... that REALLY hurt"

They asked "was it when the had to chop off your balls?"

"nope" replied the new woman

"was it when they had to chop off your peemus?"

"that really didn't hurt much either" said the woman

"so then it must have been when they gave you breast implants, right?"

"nope, not that either" said the chick.

"then tell us, what part of it was so painful????"

to which she replied "it was when they had to suck 2/3 of my brain out"

[Toro 1]

What's long and hard on a Mexican?

 

Third grade.

[zmanzzzz 1]

why do women have vaginas?

[Voice_Of_Reason 0]

Why you don't read Men's questions to Dear Abby very often...

 

Dear Abby,

 

I think my wife is cheating on me. She comes home late at night. She never drives up to the house. She parks down the road and walks in. I asked her who she was with, and she always tells me it's nobody I would know. Just friends from work. I've really start to worry about it. I decided to find out the truth. So I decided last night to watch her come home. I parked my motorcycle on the side of the house to catch her getting out of the car. As I waited for her I noticed a small leak coming from the manifold. Do you think it's something I could fix, or should I take it do the dealer?

[flap 1]

Driving past a farm, a man is surprised to see a pig with what looks like a wooden leg. Curious, he stops to see what's going on.

 

Upon meeting the farmer he asks, "Does that pig really have a wooden leg?"

 

The farmer replies, "Oh...That's my prize pig Wilbur - smartest pig I've ever seen. Last year I was out in the field when the tractor flipped and I was pinned under the wheel. Darned if Wilbur doesn't run over, dig my legs free, and pull me clear. If that weren't enough, just last month I was startled in the middle of the night by a rattling noise. It was Wilbur - banging his snout against the window to wake me up just in time to put out a fire in the barn. It would have ruined me."

 

"So, why does he have a wooden leg?", asks the traveler.

 

"Well", says the farmer, "with a pig that smart, you really hate to eat them all at once."

[thekris 0]

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

 

Not being retarded

 

 

 

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician? He worked it out with a pencil

[parrot 789]

Three kids come into the kitchen for breakfast. First kid says "I want some focking french toast Ma." The mother turns and slaps him knocking him off his chair, and sends him back to his room.

 

Second kid says "All right, more focking french toast for us!" Mom knocks him off his chair and he's off to his room too.

 

Finally, Mom asks to the third kid what he wants for breakfast and he says " I don't know, but it sure ain't focking french toast."

[Rusty Syringes 478]

Question:

 

What's another name for Boy George's overcoat?

 

 

 

Answer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FRUITJACKET!!!!!!

[paulinstl 295]

Dr. Rosenpen!s comes home from work one day and sees his girlfriends' suitcases in the entry hall. He asked her where she was going. She said "I heard you were a pedophile, so I'm leaving!". Dr. Rosenpen!s said, "Pedophile? That's an awful big word for a 12 year old."

 

A baby seal wals into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, The bartender asks what kind. The baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club."

 

A guy goes in for a physical. He has a carrot in his ear, a stalk of celery up his nose and a loaf of french bread stuck up his ass. The doctor walks and says "I can tell you right now, you're not eating right."

[football_scooter 0]

Eskimo take his car to the mechanic. Hour later he comes back to see what's wrong with it.

 

Mechanic says, "I think you blew a seal"

 

Eskimo replies, "let's not get personal here - just tell me what's wrong with my car!"