Parental Advice

[Cuse9 128]

Okay since we're all experts at everything in here and we all have an opinion I would appreciate some input on this situation:

 

My wife and I have custody of her niece and nephew (5 & 6 years old). Anyway the boy has a problem with treating all girls in his life like complete crap. He's got into quite a bit of trouble when it comes to disrespecting women.

 

So, here's the situation:

 

Boy goes out to eat with wife and her mom. He didn't want to eat. Well, then my wife comes home to get ready for work. The kids stay with grandma. They do some running around and they stop at Sterlings to get gas. The boy says he's hungry and grandma says too bad you should have ate earlier. He whines and she gives in. She tells him he can go inside Sterlings and get something. She gives him $2. Well, he picks out candy, she says no candy. He throws a fit and lays on the floor inside the store. She literally had to drag him out the store to her car. He then uses his feet to prevent her from getting in the car.

 

For me this was totally unacceptable. I made him stand in a corner, write "I will be nice" about 25 times on a piece of paper, took away his PS2 and said bedtime was 7:30 (normally it's 8:30). I said for one week bedtime was 7:30. Did I come down hard on him....absolutely. But this is about the 10-15th time he's gotten into trouble in the past month and a half by disrepecting women. I wanted to go a little overboard so the message got pounded into his head. My message is you cannot keep treating your mom, aunt, grandma, sister, teacher and any other women this way.

 

The next day my son had a game. I got home at about 7:00. My wife wasn't home yet. She, her mom and the kids went to the store. They get home at 8:10 and they stopped at a restaraunt to get something to eat. I was/am not happy about this at all. Now my entire punishment was for what?! I've consistantly said he knows he can get away with everything with the women in his life and that's why he treats them like crap. By my wife keeping him out until 8:10 and taking him out to eat again, I think once again, he got away with treating women like crap. I (the male figure) punished him for what he did. My wife and her mom (the one he disrespected in the first place) then take him to the store and out to eat and gets him home 40 minutes past the time I set for bed.

 

My wife says big deal, they had to eat. She also thought the 7:30 bedtime was a onetime thing. So, should I be upset or am I wrong.

 

Sorry to drop my problems on you all, but Dr. Phil was busy and I just needed to vent a little anyway.

 

Any input would be appreciated!!

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Okay since we're all experts at everything in here and we all have an opinion I would appreciate some input on this situation:

 

My wife and I have custody of her niece and nephew (5 & 6 years old). Anyway the boy has a problem with treating all girls in his life like complete crap. He's got into quite a bit of trouble when it comes to disrespecting women.

 

So, here's the situation:

 

Boy goes out to eat with wife and her mom. He didn't want to eat. Well, then my wife comes home to get ready for work. The kids stay with grandma. They do some running around and they stop at Sterlings to get gas. The boy says he's hungry and grandma says too bad you should have ate earlier. He whines and she gives in. She tells him he can go inside Sterlings and get something. She gives him $2. Well, he picks out candy, she says no candy. He throws a fit and lays on the floor inside the store. She literally had to drag him out the store to her car. He then uses his feet to prevent her from getting in the car.

 

For me this was totally unacceptable. I made him stand in a corner, write "I will be nice" about 25 times on a piece of paper, took away his PS2 and said bedtime was 7:30 (normally it's 8:30). I said for one week bedtime was 7:30. Did I come down hard on him....absolutely. But this is about the 10-15th time he's gotten into trouble in the past month and a half by disrepecting women. I wanted to go a little overboard so the message got pounded into his head. My message is you cannot keep treating your mom, aunt, grandma, sister, teacher and any other women this way.

 

The next day my son had a game. I got home at about 7:00. My wife wasn't home yet. She, her mom and the kids went to the store. They get home at 8:10 and they stopped at a restaraunt to get something to eat. I was/am not happy about this at all. Now my entire punishment was for what?! I've consistantly said he knows he can get away with everything with the women in his life and that's why he treats them like crap. By my wife keeping him out until 8:10 and taking him out to eat again, I think once again, he got away with treating women like crap. I (the male figure) punished him for what he did. My wife and her mom (the one he disrespected in the first place) then take him to the store and out to eat and gets him home 40 minutes past the time I set for bed.

 

My wife says big deal, they had to eat. She also thought the 7:30 bedtime was a onetime thing. So, should I be upset or am I wrong.

 

Sorry to drop my problems on you all, but Dr. Phil was busy and I just needed to vent a little anyway.

 

Any input would be appreciated!!

You are correct for the discipline on the child. That is not overboard in my book and there is no way that you want a kid to act up like that, particularly in public.

 

Regardless of whether she totally agrees, your wife has got to back you up on this and enforce the rules. Otherwise, she is undermining your authority. Unless she wants you to do the same to her (which would be total anarchy), then she has to have your back. You have to be a team in this or you will fail.

 

Now, go in there and punch the kid in the face.

[Durtee 0]

You are correct for the discipline on the child. That is not overboard in my book and there is no way that you want a kid to act up like that, particularly in public.

 

Regardless of whether she totally agrees, your wife has got to back you up on this and enforce the rules. Otherwise, she is undermining your authority. Unless she wants you to do the same to her (which would be total anarchy), then she has to have your back. You have to be a team in this or you will fail.

 

Now, go in there and punch the kid in the face.

[wiffleball 4,695]

Look at this as an opportunity.

 

Your wife screwed up. The kid needs to learn how to treat women.

 

Sodomize the wife in front of the kid - sans lube.

 

Then tell the kid "THIS is how you treat women who don't behave!"

 

Two birds. One Stone.

[NorthernVike 2,081]

I'd extend the 7:30 bed time for another day so he does not think he got one free.

 

Disciplining children is tough, especially if they are not your own. Good luck, you are going to need it.

 

Google search for child discipline

[edjr 5,783]

Why do these kids have no parents?

 

mayhaps this little boy killed them both and you're next?

[RLLD 3,588]

Stick your finger in his ass

[wiffleball 4,695]

I'd extend the 7:30 bed time for another day so he does not think he got one free.

 

 

Excellent advice. Right now, kid thinks he got away with something. This is an invaluable way to restore the original punishment.

 

 

But I agree with the OP. The wife is doing nothing but enforcing his bad behavior. Kid needs a strong female influence something fierce.

[phillybear 365]

Make the little punk drink a bottle of ammonia. That'll learn him.

[Eagles Green 34]

I will never understand trailer park behavior.

[wiffleball 4,695]

I will never understand trailer park behavior.

 

Ah, don't say that. With Obama's stimulus plan and a little sacrifice on your part, you ought to be able to move on in to your own little slice of aluminum heaven before you know it!

[gocolts 300]

I will just say this. You have to be careful on how you discipline a 6 year old. You have to be careful not to go overboard with punishment or you will do no good and it's like shooting yourself in the foot. Their sense of time is way different than older kids and adults. Punishment for a month(I realize you did not punish him for a month, just an example) is probably to harsh as the child we not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Plus, you have to consider that someone, maybe your wife, has to be there and make sure the punishment is kept up which can be more difficult for the parent/guardian than the child itself. I think you would be better served with punishment that wasn't so long for such a young child. The experts always say the punishment should be age appropriate. Like time outs for example, should be 1 minute per age.

[JackARoot 2]

Yeah, it can be real tough. Epecially with grandmas who are pushovers (my mom is one). I've learned that you just cant place grandma in the position where she is asked to enforce the rules surrounding dinner.

 

It can be difficult, but more consistancy in the routine surrounding dinner is what's needed. It's not really that he's disrespecting women. It's that kids always test the limits, so if the authority figure gives in the lesson is lost. The consistency is a tool that will help you get through it. You kinda set yourself up for failure when you imposed a punishment that you couldn't follow-through with.

 

As was stated above, maybe a shorter punishment would have worked better for this age. You have to figure out somthing that they really care about so it will get their attention (PS2 grounding was a good idea), but maybe for a shorter time period (a day or two works for mine, I have a 9, 5 and twin 3 year old boys).

 

You and your wife really need to communicate and work as a team. Also, try to stay positive and consistant. Anger will backfire on you (believe me, I know). Sounds like these kids might have had it rough since you have custody of them now (sounds like parent problems?). Sometimes you can head-off problems by working on their emotional needs before it blows up. My kids really like helping me cook (gives them a since of accomplishment) and they are more likely to eat it when its done.

[ToadSprocket 12]

Somethingt that stood out to me was the 10-15 act ups in the past. we have 2 kids and when my wife and I say something, we mean it. 2 is as far as it goes. We stop it right there. If you have to tell a kid something over and over, you're just telling them it's ok to do whatever it is. JMHO

[JackARoot 2]

Just an example, tonight I got home from work and one of my twins came up to me and asked if he could have some cereal. I told him no, I was getting ready to to make tacos for dinner. He started to lose it and throw a fit. I asked him if he would like to help me make the tacos. He immediately cheered up and said yes and got on with it. He's only three so he can't do alot, but I let him stir the meat, put in the taco seasoning, put in the tomatoe sauce, etc.

 

Also, people don't just naturally know how to effectively parent. My wife and I have taken a couple of different parenting courses. The most recent one was through the Learning Together Parent Education Center put on my Susan Tracy www.ltpec.org

 

It was easy because it was a weekly telephone conference course (I think seven weeks). Relatively inexpensive, and informative.

[Cuse9 128]

Why do these kids have no parents?

 

mayhaps this little boy killed them both and you're next?

Their dad (wife's brother) got a 24 year vacation for selling powder. The mom is piece of chit. She was given 2 years to get a place to live and find a job. She did neither. She likes to run with thugs. She's simply an idiot/trailer trash. So, we got legal custody. My wifes entire family is a bunch of convicts. That is another reason I am trying to get her nephew to take the right path, so he don't follow in his families footsteps. Due to me and my wife having normal jobs and living the way you are suppose to we were the only two people in the family that could take the kids.

 

By the way....got the kids home from school today. Told her nephew, "take your bookbag inside then come back out and help me carry in the trashcan." He never came back out. I feel like he now knows he don't have to listen to me because he knows my wife and everyone else will let him get away with stuff. So, I don't want to deal with him today and my 13 year old son is playing "dad" (I'm still in charge, figured it wouldn't hurt to let my son have a shot). I figured this a great lesson for both. Little guy has to follow my older sons rules and my 13 year old is learning what it's like to ask a kid to do something and they don't listen. He just told me a little bit ago..."Sorry for the things I did when I was little, man this is annoying!" Funny stuff there.

[Cuse9 128]

Somethingt that stood out to me was the 10-15 act ups in the past. we have 2 kids and when my wife and I say something, we mean it. 2 is as far as it goes. We stop it right there. If you have to tell a kid something over and over, you're just telling them it's ok to do whatever it is. JMHO

I 100% agree!! I have told my wife this over and over. I'm the only one that will discipline him?!

[JackARoot 2]

Their dad (wife's brother) got a 24 year vacation for selling powder. The mom is piece of chit. She was given 2 years to get a place to live and find a job. She did neither. She likes to run with thugs. She's simply an idiot/trailer trash. So, we got legal custody. My wifes entire family is a bunch of convicts. That is another reason I am trying to get her nephew to take the right path, so he don't follow in his families footsteps. Due to me and my wife having normal jobs and living the way you are suppose to we were the only two people in the family that could take the kids.

 

By the way....got the kids home from school today. Told her nephew, "take your bookbag inside then come back out and help me carry in the trashcan." He never came back out. I feel like he now knows he don't have to listen to me because he knows my wife and everyone else will let him get away with stuff. So, I don't want to deal with him today and my 13 year old son is playing "dad" (I'm still in charge, figured it wouldn't hurt to let my son have a shot). I figured this a great lesson for both. Little guy has to follow my older sons rules and my 13 year old is learning what it's like to ask a kid to do something and they don't listen. He just told me a little bit ago..."Sorry for the things I did when I was little, man this is annoying!" Funny stuff there.

 

 

Man you've got your hands full! Your kids are easier because you've had them since birth and you could head-off problems as they came up. Now you've got to turn around 6 years of neglect. You and your wife need to work together, and you should get some outside help/advice. If you don't, these problems could snowball and jeopardize your marriage.

[Cuse9 128]

Man you've got your hands full! Your kids are easier because you've had them since birth and you could head-off problems as they came up. Now you've got to turn around 6 years of neglect. You and your wife need to work together, and you should get some outside help/advice. If you don't, these problems could snowball and jeopardize your marriage.

Helk, you only know the half of it. I have a 13 year old son, 12 year old daughter and my wife and I have a 17 month old son. Throw in her niece and nephew and it equals, no time, money, room and I'm about out of patience all together. Marriage is already in jeopardy. We have "two families" living under one roof. Me and my two kids, my wife and her niece and Nephew and then my little guy is on both sides.

 

Right about now I would have to give life about a 2 on the scale of 1-10

[NorthernVike 2,081]

Are you getting any assistance from the county for taking in the little bastages? If so, send them to daycare and have the state pay for it. That way you can have YOUR family back, at least during the day and it may save you some $ feeding the little focker. Not to mention separating your kids from them.

 

You are doing them a huge favor trying to help them. But don't let it fock up your family.

[ERZER 0]

Let him watch the Shinning and tell him your name is really Jack....then give him the look every time he is out of line.

[Hurricane Ditka 0]

Just an example, tonight I got home from work and one of my twins came up to me and asked if he could have some cereal. I told him no, I was getting ready to to make tacos for dinner. He started to lose it and throw a fit. I asked him if he would like to help me make the tacos. He immediately cheered up and said yes and got on with it. He's only three so he can't do alot, but I let him stir my meat, put in the taco seasoning, put in the tomatoe sauce, etc.

 

Also, people don't just naturally know how to effectively parent. My wife and I have taken a couple of different parenting courses. The most recent one was through the Learning Together Parent Education Center put on my Susan Tracy www.ltpec.org

 

It was easy because it was a weekly telephone conference course (I think seven weeks). Relatively inexpensive, and informative.

[Hurricane Ditka 0]

Helk, you only know the half of it. I have a 13 year old son, 12 year old daughter and my wife and I have a 17 month old son. Throw in her niece and nephew and it equals, no time, money, room and I'm about out of patience all together. Marriage is already in jeopardy. We have "two families" living under one roof. Me and my two kids, my wife and her niece and Nephew and then my little guy is on both sides.

 

Right about now I would have to give life about a 2 on the scale of 1-10

Take a look in the mirror bud. Throw out everything you mentioned about the kids. If you marriage is in jeopardy and you are on a phillybear scale of misery you can NOT be an effective parent in my opinion without casting some of your own misery upon them.

 

Being a parent is a full time job and mothers never get enough credit (especially the ones with saline breastages). Try righting the marital ship and see how much easier being a parent will be.. If that won't work take your 2 kids and run away as fast as you can.

 

Just curious, if your "wife" has a 17 month old.... How long have you been married?

[jets24 6]

The one thing I need to know before offering advice is

 

focking CAN SIZE of your wife?

[gocolts 300]

Helk, you only know the half of it. I have a 13 year old son, 12 year old daughter and my wife and I have a 17 month old son. Throw in her niece and nephew and it equals, no time, money, room and I'm about out of patience all together. Marriage is already in jeopardy. We have "two families" living under one roof. Me and my two kids, my wife and her niece and Nephew and then my little guy is on both sides.

 

Right about now I would have to give life about a 2 on the scale of 1-10

 

Damn dude, I don't know how long you have been doing this but be very careful. It is great and all that you guys want to help these kids. I think it is outstanding what you are doing for these kids. Above and beyond the call of duty. But don't let the price be your whole family. That's much too high a price.

 

Your main obligation is still your children. I realize you know this, just want to make sure you don't forget. There may come a point where you can no longer do this for them is what I am trying to say. You and your wife have to make sure it doesn't ever get to that point. Hopefully that point will never come and everything works out and you can give this kid the guidance he needs. But if it does, it is not a failure on your part. Don't forget that. Just want you to be cautious and have realistic expectations.

 

Maybe since these are foster children in a way, there is some services that could help you out here. Like some kind of counseling specializing in thee types of situations kids get stuck in when both their parents are not in the picture. Just throwing something out there.

[rallo 132]

i totally agree with you... if he disrespects women... then for punishment the women must be able to uphold the stipulations (in order to reinforce respect and therefore the women must command respect) the problem seems to be that the women fail to discipline him... so i feel in this situation that they aren't helping

 

see in my family it was opposite... my mom dished out all of the punishment (grounding etc)... while i seemed to be more afraid of my dad... i found that i had to stay on my mom's good side, because she was more strict with punishments

[Cuse9 128]

Take a look in the mirror bud. Throw out everything you mentioned about the kids. If you marriage is in jeopardy and you are on a phillybear scale of misery you can NOT be an effective parent in my opinion without casting some of your own misery upon them.

 

Being a parent is a full time job and mothers never get enough credit (especially the ones with saline breastages). Try righting the marital ship and see how much easier being a parent will be.. If that won't work take your 2 kids and run away as fast as you can.

 

Just curious, if your "wife" has a 17 month old.... How long have you been married?

The seventeen month old is ours, my wife and I. We've been married for four years, but been together for ten years. While I appreciate your input, in this case it's not the mother that is not getting enough credit. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, but my wife runs a store and works until about 7 or 8 during the week and until midnite on Fri and Sat. Most of the time I'm the one that is with all five kids. If she has them for more than a couple hours she'll call her mom or something because she can't handle it. So, sometimes the dads get shafted on credit too.

[Mephisto 15]

You and your wife MUST be on the same page when it comes to discipline. Your punishment was not "overboard" for the ongoing behavior and your wife undermined your efforts, therefore sending mixed signals to the child. DO NOT fall into the "way until your father comes home" trap of discipline, where mom is always the "good cop" and you are always the "bad cop." It will result in a complete failure, or at the very least - the child will be a maniac for your wife and others while being the good little boy when you're around.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Seems to me like you need to have a talk with the womenfolk. Of course he doesn't respect them. He walks all over them.

 

If a kid of mine laid down in the gas station, and made me drag him out, that little bastage would have some hell coming his way. Something along the lines of "Here's two pounds of broccoli, eat it you little fock."

 

But then, I don't have any kids, thank Jeebus, so what the fock do I know.

[JackARoot 2]

Sounds like you are really down right now, but don't throw-in the towel. You've got lots of options that you need to seriously consider. NV and others have a good point. You need to consider whether you really want to take on these two kids. You can't lable this boy as the problem child in your mind or that is all he will ever be to you. He's learned that he can get his way from his bio parents. If you are gonna keep custody, then it is your job to re-train him.

 

Ask yourself if you are willing to take on this monumental effort. If your not, then call CPS and tell them you can't handle them and they need to be placed elsewhere. If you are, then you and your wife need to circle the wagons and get on the same page on how to handle the discipline. Get some expert advice. If Grandma is gonna help, then she needs to be on board too. But don't just give up and let the train-wreck happen. Something has to change and if you don't take the initiative to change it, then change will happen anyway but you won't have any control over how the change does happen.

[Snoopy1 0]

Since your wife screwed up, she should get a 7:30 bedtime also for the next week.

[pingpong 0]

Parenting is very hard. While the kid is living with you, you and your wife are the parents. You can't change 6 years of neglect overnight. You need to lay down rules, and make sure the kid knows the consequences. You and wifey must then agree to enforce the consequences. Leave grandma out of it, since she is not with the kid 24/7. It may take a while, but once the kid knows the rules, he will play by them.

My S-I-L (~44-40-44) has 12 year old triplets and 7 year old twins. She does not discipline them, and every one of them is a dis-respectful P-O-S IMO. She is simply too lazy and selfish to parent them. We on the other hand spent 7 very hard years parenting our kids, and they are as nice and respectful as can be. They also are very affectionate, and get the attention they need by not throwing tantrums and acting like idiots. It is hard work, but worth every minute.

[MLCKAA 422]

I have not read the other responses. Know this: by objective standards, my 4.75 yr old daughter is the definition of a good kid. She has an extremely pleasant demeanor and treats everyone well. She is a constant pleasure to have as company. So, bear that in mind as you read over my input.

 

It is critical that parents support one another in disciplining children. If it can be avoided, never punish in the heat of the moment. Send the kid to his room, and give the punishment thought and discussion with the woman. Both parents must agree that they'll follow through with the punishment.

 

I suggest the book "Raising Great Kids" by doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Its good advice on teaching kids to behave well by choice rather than with resentment or out of fear. I think you can turn that kid around very, very quickly with some minor tweaks and changes to your current parenting style.

 

One thing the aforementioned book emphasizes is the need for your parenting to be a balance of both discipline and love. It won't work if one of you is always tough on him and one of you is always easy on him. He'll exploit one of you and hate the other, and will turn out dysfunctional and non-productive.

 

Parenting is your responsibility. You have a duty to nurture the boy into a well adjusted and productive member of society. Parenting is not merely co-habitation with a kid. Its a moral obligation to make the child into the most outstanding individual you possibly can for the greater benefit of the rest of society.

 

I think you need to emphasize these points to your wife.

 

I will gladly mail you my copy of "Raising Great Kids" if you e-mail me.

 

MLCKAA

[IGotWorms 3,475]

You gotta get your wife on board. Sit down with her, lay out how sh!tty this kid is acting (she knows, but you gotta drive it home anyway), and explain to her that this *cannot* continue and that you will not succeed in correcting his behavior without her support. She'll probably think you are being too hard on him or something, but you've got to explain to her that things will be much more difficult for this kid down the road if you don't correct this sort of behavior early.

[jerryskids 5,459]

This may be a nit, but I don't see any evidence of "disrespecting wimmen", rather I see "disrespecting authority figures who neither command nor demand respect." In this case they happen to be wimmen. If the pattern continues it could become a more permanent disdain for wimmen, but he seems a bit young for that at this time.

 

Also a +1 to everyone who said that you and your wife need to be on the same page. As for grandma... show her how to grab the short hairs on the back of a neck. Next time the kid sprawls on a convenience store floor, tell her to calmly pick him up by such hairs and escort him to the car. Also teach her a proper reverse punch, keeping the wrist stright, thumb out, and hitting with the first two knuckles. The next time he blocks her with his legs, tell her to administer one such punch to his thigh, push his leg out of the way while he is wailing, and get in the car. No words thru either of these activities, as he is looking for attention, and talking to him provides some. I would be very surprised if she needed to do it a second time.

 

HTH

[thetxstang 0]

This is a matter a good ol' fashioned beating would quickly remedy. Get to work!