Help BLS decide his fate

[remote controller 136]

http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u115/rc..._if_serious.jpg

I was being totally serious. She is really pretty and you typed some great stuff about her. The plus column blew away the negative column.

[kutulu 1,559]

If you can find any woman that can stand to be in your presence for more than five minutes without puking and gluing her eyelids shut you should hold onto her like grim death.

[joeshushu 51]

She is really cute but I see an episode of "COPS" in your future.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

Pic of woman:

http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x199/fr...Xmas2009011.jpg

 

 

She tells me one night, out of nowhere, that after we started chatting online and arranged to see each other, that she went out with friends, got drunk (she's decided to start drinking and dating again this past May) and ended up bringing a strange man home. Said she felt horrible about it. Divulged details I would have been fine without knowing...I didn't even want to know anyway. I'm still not sure why she told me this.

 

 

I believe we are now to the point in this conversation that the rest of us NEED to know the details.

[BLS 313]

Tell her you would like to help the crazy ex with his recovery by working it out with both he and her. Suggest going back to the shooting range for a fun activity. Then the unfortunate accident happens. Oops.

 

Just curious but you say that your job is 5 hours away in Wisconsin. Would she be OK moving to Wisconsin with you if you eventually did that?

 

 

My company opened a new office in Wisconsin about 5 hrs from my home. I'm living in an apt here getting this office up and running.

I drive home occassionally on the weekends, etc. We've discussed it, and yes, I think she'd be HAPPIER to move anywhere, but near him (ex BF).

 

She's pretty much willing to do anything.

[BLS 313]

UPDATE:

 

I emailed her last night. Her responses are in each question you'll see below.

 

BRAD is her ex husband (first child)

 

1. Do you believe you broke a promise to quit smoking with me?

 

 

Yes, not intentionally though. It just took me longer than expected when the weather was nice and I still wanted to have some drinks.

 

 

2. Have you painted your room yet?

 

 

My room is painted. My mom did the corner one day quick without asking/telling me and then bought a gallon because I to I need another coat.

 

 

3. Do you feel that drinking in your past attributed to, or was the cause of some of your previous problems? Drinking has been very destructive to my relationships, not because of my drinking. I feel MY drinking has really only hurt myself by staying in bad situations.

 

 

4. What other rooms need to be painted? liv rm, dining rm, kitchen, 2 baths and austins room & my room another coat

 

 

5. What do you think else is needed to do to your house to have it ready to put up for sale? I just started my list. I need to walk around my house and mark additional things to be done. painting of those rooms, redo paint on the 3 doors, some trim the dog scratched up and to replace the screen door.

 

 

6. Are you still planning on having a garage sale? Yes, in the spring I was thinking April, not sure when to put the house up for sale.

 

 

7. Have you talked to Brad again about taxes for this year? No, we have not revisited this yet. Waiting for him to get info back to me and go from there. Perhaps, I can always claim austin and we agree on some sort of rebate that's fair to him.

 

 

8. Have you seen your bill(s) for Austin’s arm? No that wouldnt get those until beginning of next month at least.

 

 

9. If so, have you discussed with Brad his half of the bill? Yes, gave him different worse case senarios of maximum out of pocket we would be responsible for.

 

 

10. What is your stance on drinking/smoking going forward, when we are with each other, etc? Need another page to answer this one

 

 

11. Did you find another time for a flight up? requesting time off

 

********************************************************************************

*********************************************

 

1. She admits to breaking her promise to me about the smoking bit.

2. This is a good one. She said she needed to finish painting her room that she had painted a couple years back. She couldn't get into one corner of the room because there was a very heavy computer desk there. I went down over Thanksgiving and moved it for her so she could paint it. I went down again in Xmas time and it still wasn't painted. I asked her about it numerous times. Aparently she told her Mom, who was also down over Xmas time (stayed longer than I did) and apparently Mom painted the wall for her.

 

3. She fails to mention that drinking led to her bringing home a strange dude.

 

4. Seems to me like there's a shitload of painting to do before June.

 

5. Seems to me like there's a shitload of other work to do before June.

 

6. self explanatory

 

7. Ex Hubby wants to claim kid this year on taxes, but if he files, he gets only like $700 back. If she files, she gets like $6k back. I'm trying to convince her to tell him she'll claim him, and pay him the $700.

 

8 & 9. Their son broke his arm a week ago badly...surgery etc. Going to be spendy. Want to make sure ex Hubby is going to pay his fair share.

 

10. I haven't gotten the other page yet.

 

[BLS 313]

I believe we are now to the point in this conversation that the rest of us NEED to know the details.

 

 

When we first started chatting on Facebook in early August, she was stilll 'dating' a guy. Nothing serious, and she said the guy didn't really seem that into her. We actually talked about the relationship and I told her "he's just not that into you". A few weeks later he told her he wasn't interested and she felt pretty low because of it. Her friends took her out on the town to watch a UFC fight (she loves UFC stuff) at a local bar. I guess a big fight broke out in the bar, and a bunch of people left and decided to go to a strip club. (which is ironic, because she will NOT watch porn because she says those people are "far away from god in their hearts and are dead inside")

 

Apparently there they ran into some guys and one of them starting sweet talking her, saying she was beautiful, etc.

She said she was feeling down by being dumped and this guy made her feel good, so long story short she ended up bringing him home.

I guess her son knew she brought someone home and was making a huge stink, so she made the guy leave at 1am.

But she admitted to partially having sex with him.

 

Now, on one hand, hey...we weren't dating. She owed me nothing.

And she fully came clean with me a few weeks later because she said she felt horrible for being weak and for waiting 7 years for the right man and she felt like she blew it on this random jerk. She legitimately felt bad about it (I beleive that 100%...she was borderline crying).

 

So there's your story.

[BiPolarBear 476]

Get out. You will be involved with a guy for the rest of your life that may decide to put a cap in you any given day.

 

Good to hear she can be honest about all her bad choices. Find somebody that makes good choices and lies a little more.

 

Good luck BLS. I understand your wanting to start a life with a family and all.

[MedStudent 56]

I don't think anyone can really tell if its worth it for you to stick with this chick.

 

For myself, I would give this chick the ax. Too much baggage. I'm not against kids but if you do marry or move in with this chick, your exit strategy will be blown up by the kids. If the chick ends up being a bit psycho, you might not want to leave her because you could become attached to the kids.

 

Personally, i am wary of people who are fockups and then find god. It tells me they are easily brainwashed. But thats just my own personal theory.

 

But I am not in your shoes BLS. My circumstances are so different from yours that its tough for me to say whats best for YOU.

 

Correct me if I am wrong on any of these assumptions:

 

You are in your late 30's. You live in a rural part of Minnesota where there probably is not a big selection of single women over 25. You don't meet a lot of women. Or should i say, you don't meet a lot of women that you are attracted to. So, you meet this woman who you like and are attracted to. you are getting tired of looking for the right woman. Sure she has some baggage but you feel like you are running out of time. You like kids and want to have one of your own, who you can teach how to hunt and watch football games with (lets hope its a boy). You suspect this chick may not be totally stable but you enjoy her company and really want a breeding partner. She has a pyscho ex boyfriend that may come after you but deep inside your hunter soul, you have always wanted to bag a human.

 

Maybe if i was in your shoes i would stick with this chick.

[patweisers44 709]

Dude, just read this entire thread. You have some major decisions on your hands, my friend and i wish you the best. My two cents on some issues:

 

**Her ex'es are always gonna be in the picture. That fact alone is gonna cause major havoc in your relationship with this woman. And you have this x2 and in one case, a long-distance cause of stress.

 

**The drinking/not drinking and smoking/not smoking things are major issues as well. Rules or guidelines that you give yourself cant or wont work for her and vice versa. Every situation is different. You may have a few drinks to relax or whatever and she is gonna use that as an excuse to have a few to de-stress. Other than the Hemi Charger incident (and to be honest i dont know/recall if that was even alcohol-related), i dont recall you having alcohol "issues" but it certainly seems as though she does. If you "Quit" drinking for her sake, you will regret the decision and be resentful. She has alcohol issues for sure and part of dealing with them is to eventually be able to be around others that are drinking. I have never smoked cigarettes so i cant really offer much there, other than dont subject the kids to it...if you are gonna smoke, do it outside.

 

**It sounds like she is looking for someone to take care of all the mundane things in life and be a guiding force. But when it comes to the other things in life (kids and their dads, smoking, etc) she thinks she knows best. A relationship is hard enough to foster, not to mention adding in becoming a stepdad...especially if you have no say in matters. From my standpoint it sounds like you are good enough to put a roof over their heads and be a stepdad however/whenever she says. But ultimately, she is gonna have the say. Part of maintaining a household/family is keeping control of any situation that arises. When your opinions are discounted or discarded and your decisions are questioned or only applicable to one kid or the other or whatever, its gonna become maddening for you.

 

It sounds as though you love alot of things about this relationship, just not necessarily this person. Somebody earlier (Me_2006 ?) said that you were very detailed in your description of the negatives, but her positives were "shes a nice person" or that she gives you back rubs and bj'ers. This is a clear sign of having a decision in mind and looking for it to be reinforced. Well, i think this thread and comments like mmmm...bbeeers et.al. are doing some serious reinforcing.

 

All this being said, good luck with your decision and if you wanna talk further (especially about the drinking or stepdad things) out of this forum, shoot me an email. darishp@dteenergy.com

[bostonlager 2,497]

Wassup Fruitjacket??

 

 

I believe I'm a few years younger than you, but have been in a very similar situation in the past. I was with my ex for just shy of 2 years and she too had more baggage than most major airports. She too had been previously married to an assdart 3 kids (same guy) that would beat her and treat her really bad. It made things really tough always knowing that at any point bostonlager might have to put a deer slug in the deadbeat if he ever got ballsy and decided to show up on my doorstep. I was not a big fan of the kids early on but they did begin to grow on me as the relationship went by.

 

 

Long story short, I broke things off with her a few months back. Bostonlager just isn't the same without her. The baggage was worth it and I see that now.

[BLS 313]

Wassup Fruitjacket??

 

 

I believe I'm a few years younger than you, but have been in a very similar situation in the past. I was with my ex for just shy of 2 years and she too had more baggage than most major airports. She too had been previously married to an assdart 3 kids (same guy) that would beat her and treat her really bad. It made things really tough always knowing that at any point bostonlager might have to put a deer slug in the deadbeat if he ever got ballsy and decided to show up on my doorstep. I was not a big fan of the kids early on but they did begin to grow on me as the relationship went by.

 

 

Long story short, I broke things off with her a few months back. Bostonlager just isn't the same without her. The baggage was worth it and I see that now.

 

 

Brother from another mother...where have you been lately?

Good to see you around.

 

You see the thing is her and I click in many ways.

But it's her lack of motivation that concerns me. We have little "things" that nobody else and I have had before and they aren't insignificant.

If one were to believe in fate, then this girl is for me. I'll spare you all the details, but it doesn't get much more storybook than this.

 

it's just that if she moves, that's IT. It's all or nothing and I seriously do not want to be that guy who gets her to uproot her and her kids and move 1000 miles for a guy who won't stick around because things go sour.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation BL.

What finally broke the camel's back for you guys?

[edjr 5,645]

ABORTION!

[BLS 313]

OK...So update on the emails first.

 

 

I emailed her questions and her replies are in RED.

1. Do you feel like I'm overreacting about you smoking when we promised to quit together? I feel like you being so angry and hurtful does not merit what I have done. There are more condusive ways to express your hurt/anger/sorrow. Always and that is something I need to fine tune as well.

 

2. Do you believe you would have brought home that guy from the bar if you were sober? No, never. Do you still believe your drinking isn't destructive? Yes, my drinking again in this short amount of time has not made me feel 'good' about myself at all. Even though at times it has been harmless and fun.

 

3. It seems to me there is A LOT of painting and work to do before June. When and how are you/we going to get it all done? My mom insists on having Jose do the big work ~ and I do most of the smaller rooms(ang and Todd may help) I have requested April 5th, 6th and 7th off and hope to get garage sale and painting completed in those days. Would love for you to come down on friday or sat before to go to Biltmore.

 

 

 

4. Here's the big one.

 

Would you be willing to accept a condition of a ZERO contact policy with Paul if you were to move up here? (Yes, that includes Lucas not seeing him) Zero means ZERO. No texts, no phone calls, no letters, no emails, no nothing.

 

 

No. I would rather deal with things as we go with Lucas and his wanting to see his Dad. He has no rights, so I have all the power already. It would definately be conditional (like only times with family and auntie) but I don't think I could deny him seeing the family when Paul couldn't be there). I would not be afraid to pull out all the stops if Paul was threatening again to me or Lucas well being. He would then loose all contact at that point. No holidays or supervised visits when family is there.

 

 

See and then she goes and says "I have this stuff all planned out, and no I don't think drinking is doing me any good".

Which is good, but then #4....basically she's saying "Nope....Lucas will still see Paul (crazy EX)".

Even though I thought it was pretty clear that I'm saying this isn't something I want.

Now I can see where if someone asked to have the father out of her son's life where she'd say "No, that's not fair to ask", but we are talking about nutso here.

 

 

 

Medstudent, yes I'm 38. I don't live in Rural MN. I live about 15 miles from St. Paul in a suburb.

I'm sure there are plenty of single women over 25. I just don't go out much.

Now, is that a reason to stay with this girl, NO. And I know that.

If I was stuck on it, I wouldn't be asking these questions on a message bored.

 

Patweisers....yes I've had boozing issues before. Including the Charger vs. Tree incident. Capn' Morgan was riding shotgun and didn't tell me about the upcoming 90 degree corner.

I guess I don't see the 'she'd be in control' bit, because she's always saying she's never met a more dominant person.

She's even conceded to me that she believes the man should make the decisions in the relationship.

 

 

Bipolar...thanks man. The thing is she doesn't want to be near him either. Matter of fact, the plan to buy a house is mostly driven by moving OUT of my hometown to somewhere he cant' get to. Guy can't ever have a drivers license and has no money, so once we'd be out of town, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

[TheNewGirl 1,055]

IMO, I would get rid of her. You say that she has no drama, but then spout off about soooo much crap (yes, it's crap) going on in her life. Who really cares if her kids have different dads, but look at the dads. Or, at least the one. I mean, she will have ties to this guy FOREVER, and if you marry her, you will too. I mean, you are all ready concerned about the contact she/the kid will have with the dad, and honestly, it's really none of your business. It is between them, really, even if he is an abusive jerk. Why cause yourself that kind of drama and worry? If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to end it.

 

I think that you are looking for reasons to keep her because you think you need to get married and have children. But that doesn't mean that this is the woman for you. I think that you would be settling if you were to marry this woman, I really do. And I do think that eventually, you would end up regretting it at some point or another.

[LaChup 158]

How does she expect you to get over "that guy" when she can't get over Ole Man Hands?

[Frank M 181]

Do not settle. It's better to be alone than settle for someone who doesn't make you happy.

[bostonlager 2,497]

Brother from another mother...where have you been lately?

Good to see you around.

 

You see the thing is her and I click in many ways.

But it's her lack of motivation that concerns me. We have little "things" that nobody else and I have had before and they aren't insignificant.

If one were to believe in fate, then this girl is for me. I'll spare you all the details, but it doesn't get much more storybook than this.

 

it's just that if she moves, that's IT. It's all or nothing and I seriously do not want to be that guy who gets her to uproot her and her kids and move 1000 miles for a guy who won't stick around because things go sour.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation BL.

What finally broke the camel's back for you guys?

 

 

The relationship between she and I is much like you mentioned above. She was basically the female version of me. We had so many things in common and always enjoyed our time together. She too had a lack of motivation in certain areas, but that is a thread for a different day. There were somethings also that we did not see eye to eye on and even though they were not many things they did hinder our relationship at times and were the cause of the eventual crash. In the end as much as we had in common and as strong as our feelings were for each other I came to the conclusion that she and I just met each other at the wrong time in life. I still love her dearly, but at that particular point in my life I had to let go. I hope I made the right decision, but right now I question that decision everyday.

[Dongholster 0]

This hideous sweater ( http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x199/fr...Xmas2009011.jpg ) is reason enough to never have anything to with her ever again.

[Chronic Husker 85]

IMO, I would get rid of her. You say that she has no drama, but then spout off about soooo much crap (yes, it's crap) going on in her life. Who really cares if her kids have different dads, but look at the dads. Or, at least the one. I mean, she will have ties to this guy FOREVER, and if you marry her, you will too. I mean, you are all ready concerned about the contact she/the kid will have with the dad, and honestly, it's really none of your business. It is between them, really, even if he is an abusive jerk. Why cause yourself that kind of drama and worry? If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to end it.

 

I think that you are looking for reasons to keep her because you think you need to get married and have children. But that doesn't mean that this is the woman for you. I think that you would be settling if you were to marry this woman, I really do. And I do think that eventually, you would end up regretting it at some point or another.

 

Amen.

[BiPolarBear 476]

This hideous sweater ( http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x199/fr...Xmas2009011.jpg ) is reason enough to never have anything to with her ever again.

 

I bet the same sweater would look better to you if Tom Brady were wearing it.

[Dongholster 0]

I bet the same sweater would look better to you if Tom Brady were wearing it.

 

Only slightly. Those stripes are horrendous

[gocolts 300]

OK...So update on the emails first.

I emailed her questions and her replies are in RED.

1. Do you feel like I'm overreacting about you smoking when we promised to quit together? I feel like you being so angry and hurtful does not merit what I have done. There are more condusive ways to express your hurt/anger/sorrow. Always and that is something I need to fine tune as well.

 

2. Do you believe you would have brought home that guy from the bar if you were sober? No, never. Do you still believe your drinking isn't destructive? Yes, my drinking again in this short amount of time has not made me feel 'good' about myself at all. Even though at times it has been harmless and fun.

 

3. It seems to me there is A LOT of painting and work to do before June. When and how are you/we going to get it all done? My mom insists on having Jose do the big work ~ and I do most of the smaller rooms(ang and Todd may help) I have requested April 5th, 6th and 7th off and hope to get garage sale and painting completed in those days. Would love for you to come down on friday or sat before to go to Biltmore.

 

 

 

4. Here's the big one.

 

Would you be willing to accept a condition of a ZERO contact policy with Paul if you were to move up here? (Yes, that includes Lucas not seeing him) Zero means ZERO. No texts, no phone calls, no letters, no emails, no nothing.

 

 

No. I would rather deal with things as we go with Lucas and his wanting to see his Dad. He has no rights, so I have all the power already. It would definately be conditional (like only times with family and auntie) but I don't think I could deny him seeing the family when Paul couldn't be there). I would not be afraid to pull out all the stops if Paul was threatening again to me or Lucas well being. He would then loose all contact at that point. No holidays or supervised visits when family is there.

See and then she goes and says "I have this stuff all planned out, and no I don't think drinking is doing me any good".

Which is good, but then #4....basically she's saying "Nope....Lucas will still see Paul (crazy EX)".

Even though I thought it was pretty clear that I'm saying this isn't something I want.

Now I can see where if someone asked to have the father out of her son's life where she'd say "No, that's not fair to ask", but we are talking about nutso here.

Medstudent, yes I'm 38. I don't live in Rural MN. I live about 15 miles from St. Paul in a suburb.

I'm sure there are plenty of single women over 25. I just don't go out much.

Now, is that a reason to stay with this girl, NO. And I know that.

If I was stuck on it, I wouldn't be asking these questions on a message bored.

 

Patweisers....yes I've had boozing issues before. Including the Charger vs. Tree incident. Capn' Morgan was riding shotgun and didn't tell me about the upcoming 90 degree corner.

I guess I don't see the 'she'd be in control' bit, because she's always saying she's never met a more dominant person.

She's even conceded to me that she believes the man should make the decisions in the relationship.

Bipolar...thanks man. The thing is she doesn't want to be near him either. Matter of fact, the plan to buy a house is mostly driven by moving OUT of my hometown to somewhere he cant' get to. Guy can't ever have a drivers license and has no money, so once we'd be out of town, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

He has no rights for a reason. Another way you can look at this is that you can break it off for the kid, Lucas. If they do not move up with you, the likelihood of this meetings goes down quite a bit. I mean, right now they are what 1000 miles away.

 

I don't like the part of her not being one of the supervisors during his supervised visitations either. Seems............odd is the nicest way I can put it.

[ADD1CT36 1]

for some reason, this song keeps coming to mind...

 

I hear the train a comin'

It's rolling round the bend

And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5Ts4M3irWM

[MedStudent 56]

for some reason, this song keeps coming to mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5Ts4M3irWM

 

I keep thinking about the crazy ex boyfriend and the song that comes to my mind is:

 

I can’t seem to face up to the facts.

I’m tense and nervous and I... can’t relax.

I can’t sleep, cause my bed’s on fire.

Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire.

 

Psycho Killer

Qu'est-ce que c'est? [What is it?]

fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa better

Run run run run run run run away

OH OH OH

 

[jerryskids 5,311]

She told me (and I believe her) that if she moves back to MN to be with me..she'll never walk away from our relationship. She said once she's committed, she's in the for the long haul.

 

...

 

2 Kids, 2 different Dads. First one she dated and married. They were together for 7 years, dated for 6 of them. When they got married he said he wanted kids. They got pregnant, he started stepping out (unknown to her) and he told her over the phone the night she gave labor to their son he was seeing someone else. They divorced, she was stuck with child.

I kinda stopped reading this abortion of a thread here.