Geeks who have lived with elderly parents

[IGotWorms 3,315]

Got a question for those who have had their elderly parents or in-laws living with them.

I may have a situation where my folks and I will build together on a plot of land. They live in the area part time so it’d be convenient for them. Would be convenient for me too as far as the kids and such and also increases budget on what you can build with two households chipping in to some degree on road, well, septic, landscaping etc.

So here’s my question—potentially being able to build this situation from square one, what would you recommend? Like they have a large suite in the house itself or something fully self-contained like a sorta duplex style thing or large guest house or what have you.

Basically we don’t want to be on top of each other yet it’d be great if they didn’t have something they had to maintain entirely separate. I’m thinking something like a large separate first floor with own kitchen, laundry etc, basically entirely self contained with separate entrance but also stairs up inside so ability to just go back and forth within the house. Or maybe basically a house with another small house right next to it, maybe joined or at least very close to it. Trying to think what could be decently economical yet give everyone the space and independence they want.

TIA!

[vuduchile 1,941]

We planned to convert our detached garage into a guest house for my MIL earlier this year.  
 

That idea crashed and burned when we found out her finances were a mess.  
 

She’s now living in our guest room and both my wife and I wish she wasn’t.  
 

I suggest a separate house if you can do it.  Build it with aging in place in mind. No stairs, curbless showers, etc.  

[Cloaca du jour 2,064]

I dont have geek money so my inlaws live in a spare bedroom..

Its a nightmare

[IGotWorms 3,315]

1 minute ago, Cloaca du jour said:

I dont have geek money so my inlaws live in a spare bedroom..

Its a nightmare

Whether I can actually pull it off is unknown 

[MDC 5,892]

Detached suite for your mom please. I don’t care where you put dad.

[Brad GLuckman 518]

2 hours ago, Cloaca du jour said:

I dont have geek money so my inlaws live in a spare bedroom..

Its a nightmare

Expand on this please. My MIL is only late 60s but my wife has hinted that her Mom moving in might be necessary down the road because she has nobody else. She has nobody else because she is just awful. What is it like?

[IGotWorms 3,315]

29 minutes ago, Brad GLuckman said:

Expand on this please. My MIL is only late 60s but my wife has hinted that her Mom moving in might be necessary down the road because she has nobody else. She has nobody else because she is just awful. What is it like?

God help you  

[Cloaca du jour 2,064]

My FIL is awesome...my MIL is a control freak on oxygen with copd.  She doesnt move except to go to the bathroom and eat and to the car. She orders her husband around.  They also have a grandson with 3 kids..age 21..drug user who has them so buffaloed they think he is a wonderful father..he cant hold a job for 2 weeks.  No car..and his baby mama is too stupid to apply for wic.  He will call up at 10pm and need a ride...or picked up.  Or he will ask 2 70year olds to watch his kids so he can go "to the park" code for getting high.  My FIL cant chase after 2 kids....the 3rd is the infant which MIL just sits and holds.  

MiL is also a hoarder..we get zulilly packages daily...for baby clothes for the grandsons hoard...but she doesnt give them to them because the wear em once and never wash them.  See my sister in law is worthless...4 kids..2 fathers..2 are retarded like the father..one who went into military killed himself..the last is the wonderful grandson with the 3 kids...4 is on the way.

My garage is a freaking disaster with the crap they buy...2 dead scooters that need batteries..a used lawn mower etc..you have no idea.

FIL is awesome...MIL makes it hell.  They infected us with covid because they go out to eat 2-3x a day...go to mall...etc. She is diabetic and doesnt monitor it very well.

I knew it would be a challenge...but I didnt think it would be this bad.  

[Hardcore troubadour 12,652]

58 minutes ago, Cloaca du jour said:

My FIL is awesome...my MIL is a control freak on oxygen with copd.  She doesnt move except to go to the bathroom and eat and to the car. She orders her husband around.  They also have a grandson with 3 kids..age 21..drug user who has them so buffaloed they think he is a wonderful father..he cant hold a job for 2 weeks.  No car..and his baby mama is too stupid to apply for wic.  He will call up at 10pm and need a ride...or picked up.  Or he will ask 2 70year olds to watch his kids so he can go "to the park" code for getting high.  My FIL cant chase after 2 kids....the 3rd is the infant which MIL just sits and holds.  

MiL is also a hoarder..we get zulilly packages daily...for baby clothes for the grandsons hoard...but she doesnt give them to them because the wear em once and never wash them.  See my sister in law is worthless...4 kids..2 fathers..2 are retarded like the father..one who went into military killed himself..the last is the wonderful grandson with the 3 kids...4 is on the way.

My garage is a freaking disaster with the crap they buy...2 dead scooters that need batteries..a used lawn mower etc..you have no idea.

FIL is awesome...MIL makes it hell.  They infected us with covid because they go out to eat 2-3x a day...go to mall...etc. She is diabetic and doesnt monitor it very well.

I knew it would be a challenge...but I didnt think it would be this bad.  

Kill her with a pillow. It will go down as Covid. 

[Voltaire 4,560]

7 hours ago, vuduchile said:

We planned to convert our detached garage into a guest house for my MIL earlier this year.  
 

That idea crashed and burned when we found out her finances were a mess.  
 

She’s now living in our guest room and both my wife and I wish she wasn’t.  
 

I suggest a separate house if you can do it.  Build it with aging in place in mind. No stairs, curbless showers, etc.  

Earlier this year?  I'm pretty sure that you told us this story about your MIL's disastrous finances at least a year, if not two years ago.

[Voltaire 4,560]

Sad that you all have bad experience with elderly in-laws moving in. I have no complaints. My MIL's cooking is awful but I have no actual complaints. She's always been helpful to have around. My FIL wasn't helpful at all, he was barely functional and needed care from his wife for the two+ years he was around, but I have not any bad feelings about him and am glad the two oldest got to know him (seven or eight years dead now).

I dunno, I saw my mother take care of my elderly grandfather, they had taken care of my great-grandmother, my aunt on the other side of the family took care of my grandmother, my sister has my mother living with her who helps with her kids, (everyone passed around my useless father, now he's in government custody). It's just been natural all our lives.

Now it's my turn. I don't blink. MIL (and the first few years FIL) have been with or near us for all but two of our fourteen years. It's now been ten straight years of living together with my MIL.

It's been my experience that it's naturally what families do with elderly relatives and I don't know of anyone with any complaints (other than hosting my bum dad). Too bad it's not working out for so many of the rest of you.

[Cloaca du jour 2,064]

6 hours ago, Voltaire said:

Sad that you all have bad experience with elderly in-laws moving in. I have no complaints. My MIL's cooking is awful but I have no actual complaints. She's always been helpful to have around. My FIL wasn't helpful at all, he was barely functional and needed care from his wife for the two+ years he was around, but I have not any bad feelings about him and am glad the two oldest got to know him (seven or eight years dead now).

I dunno, I saw my mother take care of my elderly grandfather, they had taken care of my great-grandmother, my aunt on the other side of the family took care of my grandmother, my sister has my mother living with her who helps with her kids, (everyone passed around my useless father, now he's in government custody). It's just been natural all our lives.

Now it's my turn. I don't blink. MIL (and the first few years FIL) have been with or near us for all but two of our fourteen years. It's now been ten straight years of living together with my MIL.

It's been my experience that it's naturally what families do with elderly relatives and I don't know of anyone with any complaints (other than hosting my bum dad). Too bad it's not working out for so many of the rest of you.

I agree...family takes care of family.  My FIL is awesome..watching the cancer eat him up is horrible.  My MIL...she is a bitter angry hag who thinks my kids are her slaves till they moved out

[TBayXXXVII 2,117]

My dad is 75, and living with my brother and SIL.  The house is 2 stories and his room is on the second floor, but they're going to convert the entertainment room into my dad's bedroom.  They're also going to add a full bathroom in there as well.

[Bert 1,091]

18 hours ago, IGotWorms said:

Got a question for those who have had their elderly parents or in-laws living with them.

I may have a situation where my folks and I will build together on a plot of land. They live in the area part time so it’d be convenient for them. Would be convenient for me too as far as the kids and such and also increases budget on what you can build with two households chipping in to some degree on road, well, septic, landscaping etc.

So here’s my question—potentially being able to build this situation from square one, what would you recommend? Like they have a large suite in the house itself or something fully self-contained like a sorta duplex style thing or large guest house or what have you.

Basically we don’t want to be on top of each other yet it’d be great if they didn’t have something they had to maintain entirely separate. I’m thinking something like a large separate first floor with own kitchen, laundry etc, basically entirely self contained with separate entrance but also stairs up inside so ability to just go back and forth within the house. Or maybe basically a house with another small house right next to it, maybe joined or at least very close to it. Trying to think what could be decently economical yet give everyone the space and independence they want.

TIA!

The fully contained is the best idea for your sanity but a large suite in the house will probably make it easier to sell.  Good Luck.

[lod001 1,237]

Flew to Ohio twice in the past 2 months and stayed with my 94 yo dad and 92 yo mom.

No fuckin mask. We have hit the point where it is just a bad flu and treatable. 

 

[TimmySmith 2,782]

Separate guest house.  No brainer.  

[IGotWorms 3,315]

39 minutes ago, lod001 said:

Flew to Ohio twice in the past 2 months and stayed with my 94 yo dad and 92 yo mom.

No fuckin mask. We have hit the point where it is just a bad flu and treatable. 

 

For 90+ year olds? I mean I’m not gonna judge whether you should wear a mask when visiting your own parents, but that attitude is reckless.

[lod001 1,237]

You see how over the top, wearing a mask is.

[tubby_mcgee 686]

Careful they don't end up in an elderly care facility.  That sh#t can be devastating.  My dad paid around $300,000 for my mother's stay in one.  It was draining him dry. I think at the tune of $9k per month. Had he ran out of cash...and he eventually would have...they start taking retirement funds, property, etc.   She died before it got to that point...but...just an FYI for everyone.

Move your parents assets out their names at least 5 years before they enter a elderly care facility.   Let the assets be "theirs" -- they drive them, they use it, they spend it, they own/have use etc...just get it out of their name. If not...its fair game for them to grab. 

[lod001 1,237]

6 minutes ago, tubby_mcgee said:

Careful they don't end up in an elderly care facility.  That sh#t can be devastating.  My dad paid around $300,000 for my mother's stay in one.  It was draining him dry. I think at the tune of $9k per month. Had he ran out of cash...and he eventually would have...they start taking retirement funds, property, etc.   She died before it got to that point...but...just an FYI for everyone.

Move your parents assets out their names at least 5 years before they enter a elderly care facility.   Let the assets be "theirs" -- they drive them, they use it, they spend it, they own/have use etc...just get it out of their name. If not...its fair game for them to grab. 

This is correct. Unfortunately we did not do dad takes care of mom with some outside help. Those places will drain the finances fast.

[tubby_mcgee 686]

12 minutes ago, lod001 said:

This is correct. Unfortunately we did not do dad takes care of mom with some outside help. Those places will drain the finances fast.

Yes...but....if Dad can't do it....(my dad couldn't, nor could we find a nurse that we could pay) ...you don't have any options.  Dad still worked (and still does-sun up to sun down)

 

Also referring to above stuff you mentioned......Remember: 15 days to flatten the curve.   Those same experts that said that...are saying "masks are essential"

[vuduchile 1,941]

9 hours ago, Voltaire said:

Earlier this year?  I'm pretty sure that you told us this story about your MIL's disastrous finances at least a year, if not two years ago.

It was right around the first of the year.  Maybe right at Xmas, but definitely not a year or two ago.  

[vuduchile 1,941]

9 hours ago, Voltaire said:

Earlier this year?  I'm pretty sure that you told us this story about your MIL's disastrous finances at least a year, if not two years ago.

 

[MTSkiBum 1,594]

Eventually you will want to date/marry again.

I think living with your parents could negatively effect this.

[IGotWorms 3,315]

4 hours ago, MTSkiBum said:

Eventually you will want to date/marry again.

I think living with your parents could negatively effect this.

True 

[wiffleball 4,640]

Good advice here in. Master suite on the main floor. No stairs, handicap friendly. Will increase your resale value big time.

 

Two kitchens is usually killer for property taxes. But I guess it depends on where you live. But it's pretty unnecessary. Unless you have a truckload of money.

 

Separate entrance, again with no leading stairs, is a really handy idea.