worst date ever!

[steamypoop 0]

so i had my first eharmony date on friday night and now i'm starting to wonder whether getting laid is worth it.

 

i suggested that we meet at applebees because they have a terrific menu really something for everyone and because they have a $20 for one appetizer and 2 entre deal! so i figured this date wouldnt cost me much until i'm sitting at the bar and sheila walks up. her pic was kind of grainy and hard to see but let me tell you if ever a girl online says she's "pleasantly plump" or has "a few extra pounds" i think you can count on a beast. i'm talking chins on top of chins rolls you could see right thru her sweater etc. but you know what? like i said i'm not much to look at either and i'm not picky, so the girl's fat whatever? still i ordered a pitcher of margaritas right away and figured i'd just keep drinking until this girl looked kind of human and it sort of worked, 7-8 glasses in and i'm thinking she's sort of no worse than rosie o'donnel really, maybe in the dark you'd think she's cute etc. and i think she's digging me, we're talking about our cats and how much we enjoy watching two and a half men, i made a few jokes about that show the office you know, just small talk. sure she ate most of the blooming onion but it looks like sheilas having fun and by the time her special steak wtih lobster and cheese filling comes she's rubbing my leg under the table and says i can take her home so i'm thinking tonight's the night!

 

bad mistake. first of all man i thought my apartment was bad but hers smelled like cat pee and she had all these porcelain dolls all over the place, kind of creepy you know? right. but whatever, we go in and she starts kissing me and we're going over to the bed. with most of her clothes off we're talking loads of hangy fat and stuff but it's dark, i can't see a whole lot. i've finally got my clothes off too and our bellies are against each other about to stick it in when sheila tells me to go down on her cause she can't cvm otherwise. i'm already having trouble holding onto my hardon, not just cause i've got some erectile dysfunction but man this chick doesnt look good. so i take off the granny panties and its like she's got an afro in a leg-lock, no joke you could fit a small turkey in that navel and there's a dark bushy happy trail all the way down. i spread her legs open and her thighs make this noise like pealing a fruit rollup off a window and the stink was like the seaport on a hot day. so i told her i needed to go pee first and climbed ou tthe window, quick got in my car and went home.

 

im starting to think getting laid might not be worth it!

[Bill E. 703]

You told that very well. Maybe e-Harmony will use it in their next radio commercial. LMFAO!!!

[FlaHawker 24]

so i had my first eharmony date on friday night and now i'm starting to wonder whether getting laid is worth it.

 

i suggested that we meet at applebees because they have a terrific menu really something for everyone and because they have a $20 for one appetizer and 2 entre deal! so i figured this date wouldnt cost me much until i'm sitting at the bar and sheila walks up. her pic was kind of grainy and hard to see but let me tell you if ever a girl online says she's "pleasantly plump" or has "a few extra pounds" i think you can count on a beast. i'm talking chins on top of chins rolls you could see right thru her sweater etc. but you know what? like i said i'm not much to look at either and i'm not picky, so the girl's fat whatever? still i ordered a pitcher of margaritas right away and figured i'd just keep drinking until this girl looked kind of human and it sort of worked, 7-8 glasses in and i'm thinking she's sort of no worse than rosie o'donnel really, maybe in the dark you'd think she's cute etc. and i think she's digging me, we're talking about our cats and how much we enjoy watching two and a half men, i made a few jokes about that show the office you know, just small talk. sure she ate most of the blooming onion but it looks like sheilas having fun and by the time her special steak wtih lobster and cheese filling comes she's rubbing my leg under the table and says i can take her home so i'm thinking tonight's the night!

 

bad mistake. first of all man i thought my apartment was bad but hers smelled like cat pee and she had all these porcelain dolls all over the place, kind of creepy you know? right. but whatever, we go in and she starts kissing me and we're going over to the bed. with most of her clothes off we're talking loads of hangy fat and stuff but it's dark, i can't see a whole lot. i've finally got my clothes off too and our bellies are against each other about to stick it in when sheila tells me to go down on her cause she can't cvm otherwise. i'm already having trouble holding onto my hardon, not just cause i've got some erectile dysfunction but man this chick doesnt look good. so i take off the granny panties and its like she's got an afro in a leg-lock, no joke you could fit a small turkey in that navel and there's a dark bushy happy trail all the way down. i spread her legs open and her thighs make this noise like pealing a fruit rollup off a window and the stink was like the seaport on a hot day. so i told her i needed to go pee first and climbed ou tthe window, quick got in my car and went home.

 

im starting to think getting laid might not be worth it!

 

[Mookz 1,348]

Can I have her number?

[Riddlen 1]

easily my fav alias right now.

 

next time could you please shut the window? Mom said one of her cats got out and she was PISSED and I had to look for that focker for an hour.

[heavy-set 39]

i have given up on dating.

 

or the females have given up on me

[The Elevator Killer 554]

so i told her i needed to go pee first and climbed ou tthe window, quick got in my car and went home.

 

 

 

I did this once. I used to go to this bar in the French Quarter where a waitress would always flirt with me. I got drunk one night and she took me home. She went into her bedroom and undressed with the door open. When she took off her blouse I could see the strech marks on her stomach. It looked like a road map. I laid down on the couch and pretended to be passed out. She tried to wake me but I just kept on playing dead.

 

I waited a few hours so I knew she would be asleep and called a cab and got the fock out of there.

[Cruzer 1,995]

i suggested that we meet at applebees....

Nothing good could of come of this.

[NorthernVike 2,086]

 

i suggested that we meet at applebees

 

 

What web site did you use? feedthepig.org

[Rusty Syringes 478]

Post of the year!

 

[vuduchile 1,945]

Awesome!

[Eagles Green 34]

 

Nice job Burt/Rusty/Newbie

[MedStudent 56]

i spread her legs open and her thighs make this noise like pealing a fruit rollup off a window and the stink was like the seaport on a hot day.

 

"Thats Gold Jerry! Gold!"

[Teekizzy 2]

i suggested that we meet at applebees because they have a terrific menu

 

I'm going to need some time to get past this. Give me a second.

[GutterBoy 2,899]

Somewhat amusing story.

 

The author is trying to paint the steamypoop characer as a complete disaster of a man. Nice attempt but he pushes it too far to make is believable. Otherwise nice effort though.

[steamypoop 0]

so get this, sheila must be even more hard up than me because she left me FIVE messages yesetrday saying what a nice time she had at dinner and she was sorry i had to run but she understands that it must have been an emergency etc. and she really thinks we had a serious connection and this could be the start of something big etc. now she wants to go out to the macaroni grill on friday and maybe rent a rod schneider movie or a romantic comedy or something and cuddle together on the couch but every time i think of that smell i feel like i'm going to lose my cookies!

 

listen i'm not much to look at, i know. i'm 5'8 with my shoes on and pushing nearly 3 bills. i'm bald, twice divorced, live in a basement apartment and work in a mail room. i've got no savings, no friends and few prospects. so i know that guys like me arent going to be sleeping with cindy crawford or whoever. i can deal with a fatty. hell, i'm so embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of someone else i'd almost prefer it if she's a fatty! but is it too much to ask for basic genital hygiene here so it doesnt smell like cod in a blender? is that too much to ask?

 

is this really my lot in life?

[GutterBoy 2,899]

Now you're just trying too hard.

[nikki2200 4]

 

i spread her legs open and her thighs make this noise like pealing a fruit rollup off a window and the stink was like the seaport on a hot day.

 

 

That may be the funniest sentence I have ever read in my life.

[nikki2200 4]

Somewhat amusing story.

 

The author is trying to paint the steamypoop characer as a complete disaster of a man. Nice attempt but he pushes it too far to make is believable. Otherwise nice effort though.

 

I didn't get the impression he was going for "believable" here.

[Teekizzy 2]

I'm waiting for some sweet pun spice out of steamypoop...

[Eagles Green 34]

the blooming onion

The blooming onion is at Outback

[Mookz 1,348]

steamypoop, I'm thinking maybe invest in some of that stuff that coroners rub beneath their noses before they go to work on a mutilated corpse. Then close your eyes and have at it.

[vuduchile 1,945]

so get this, sheila must be even more hard up than me because she left me FIVE messages yesetrday saying what a nice time she had at dinner and she was sorry i had to run but she understands that it must have been an emergency etc. and she really thinks we had a serious connection and this could be the start of something big etc. now she wants to go out to the macaroni grill on friday and maybe rent a rod schneider movie or a romantic comedy or something and cuddle together on the couch but every time i think of that smell i feel like i'm going to lose my cookies!

 

listen i'm not much to look at, i know. i'm 5'8 with my shoes on and pushing nearly 3 bills. i'm bald, twice divorced, live in a basement apartment and work in a mail room. i've got no savings, no friends and few prospects. so i know that guys like me arent going to be sleeping with cindy crawford or whoever. i can deal with a fatty. hell, i'm so embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of someone else i'd almost prefer it if she's a fatty! but is it too much to ask for basic genital hygiene here so it doesnt smell like cod in a blender? is that too much to ask?

 

is this really my lot in life?

 

Your combined gunt/gock will make intercourse impossible. Oral is your only option. Man up tubby!.

[KSB2424 3,148]

You should've gone to Red Lobster.

[vuduchile 1,945]

You should've gone to Red Lobster.

 

Many chefs believe that combining seafood and cheese is a culinary sin.

 

After reading this thread, I'm beginning to understand why.

[phillybear 366]

i'm 5'8 with my shoes on and pushing nearly 3 bills.

 

And you somehow climbed out a bathroom window to escape. Mmm Hmmm.

 

rent a rod schneider movie

 

Words that must never be spoken. Derpa Da Derpa FAIL.

 

this could be the start of something big etc.

 

You should see her bowel movements.

 

i can deal with a fatty. hell, i'm so embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of someone else i'd almost prefer it if she's a fatty! but is it too much to ask for basic genital hygiene here so it doesnt smell like cod in a blender? is that too much to ask?

 

She gets nekkid. You go to the bathroom and do a rub and tug and fill up your cupped hand. Walk back out into the bedroom and throw contents of hand into her face. You've just preformed the Spiderman. Leave happy and content.

[Mookz 1,348]

And you somehow climbed out a bathroom window to escape. Mmm Hmmm.

 

He probably took the frame and part of the wall with him, but he was motivated.

[phillybear 366]

He probably took the frame and part of the wall with him, but he was motivated.

 

So this is like an episode of the Munsters where everybody exits through the nearest wall. I suppose retarded people try to walk through walls, but they typically aren't properly motivated. You have to swear to them a bowl of chocolate pudding and a clean diaper is on the other side of the bricks. Wham. Wham. Wham. But I digress.

[FlaHawker 24]

so get this, sheila must be even more hard up than me because she left me FIVE messages yesetrday saying what a nice time she had at dinner and she was sorry i had to run but she understands that it must have been an emergency etc. and she really thinks we had a serious connection and this could be the start of something big etc. now she wants to go out to the macaroni grill on friday and maybe rent a rod schneider movie or a romantic comedy or something and cuddle together on the couch but every time i think of that smell i feel like i'm going to lose my cookies!

 

listen i'm not much to look at, i know. i'm 5'8 with my shoes on and pushing nearly 3 bills. i'm bald, twice divorced, live in a basement apartment and work in a mail room. i've got no savings, no friends and few prospects. so i know that guys like me arent going to be sleeping with cindy crawford or whoever. i can deal with a fatty. hell, i'm so embarrassed to take my clothes off in front of someone else i'd almost prefer it if she's a fatty! but is it too much to ask for basic genital hygiene here so it doesnt smell like cod in a blender? is that too much to ask?

 

is this really my lot in life?

 

 

See, you've pushed the envelope too far. The first post was a crassic; now, you've entered bad sitcom territory. You should have left well enough alone.

[Mookz 1,348]

i have given up on dating.

 

or the females have given up on me

 

I hear you, guy. That's pretty much where I am. We should have a contest to see who can "get laid" first. Loser commits suicide.

[drobeski 3,061]

I hear you, guy. That's pretty much where I am. We should have a contest to see who can "get laid" first. Loser commits suicide.

you need a good regular friend with benefits, can't beat it...no commitments, just good late night and mid afternoon sex.....

[edjr 6,588]

how very sanctuarian of you.

[FlaHawker 24]

 

She gets nekkid. You go to the bathroom and do a rub and tug and fill up your cupped hand. Walk back out into the bedroom and throw contents of hand into her face. You've just preformed the Spiderman. Leave happy and content.

[eaglesinmylifetime 0]

I hear you, guy. That's pretty much where I am. We should have a contest to see who can "get laid" first. Loser commits suicide.

 

Count me in. 5-7, 260.

 

I think you're doing it wrong, though, OP. Asians seem to dig the beer gut ... Must be a Buddha thing. Go find an Asian woman.

[Mookz 1,348]

Count me in. 5-7, 260.

 

I think you're doing it wrong, though, OP. Asians seem to dig the beer gut ... Must be a Buddha thing. Go find an Asian woman.

Cool, dude.

 

GoColts should get in on this too.

[Mookz 1,348]

you need a good regular friend with benefits, can't beat it...no commitments, just good late night and mid afternoon sex.....

 

Well, yeah.

 

I also need $500k and the power of flight.

[drobeski 3,061]

Well, yeah.

 

I also need $500k and the power of flight.

me too :sadface:

[jets24 6]

I didn't get the impression he was going for "believable" here.

 

 

Yeah. Kind of like your alias?

[NorthernVike 2,086]

Yeah. Kind of like your alias?

 

 

 

 

 

Also. Jets, sorry to hear your wife is cheating on you with steamypoop.

[nikki2200 4]

Yeah. Kind of like your alias?

 

Will you get over it already? That's the only thing you had to comment on this whole thread? I think you know that I am really Nikki and you're just trying to talk to me or something. It's dumb.