Motivation Using Negativity

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

My father used this tactic from the time I could walk until the day I graduated high school. He believed that fear and failure was the greatest motivator. And it worked. For the most part.

 

I didn't see the correlation growing up. Being told I'd probably become a ditch digger and a Fawking dumb ass if I stayed the path I was heading made me despise him. And I didn't understand that he was challenging me to be better. Being a teenager that knows everything had its privelages.

 

Looking back, I understand. Fast forward to today. I've been the most positive father I could be compared to him. No matter the situation, I find a positive attitude or spin with my daughter. Even when I find and use constructive criticism, I I so in a way that we (in my mind) walk away from respectfully.

 

So last week we leave a softball game that she pitched in. She's a good pitcher but lacks speed. She's average height and build. Never had a great pitching coach that coached her the way she could have been. The park we are at concentrates all if the resources toward the boys .The other girls from the other parks are big and have been brought up through the system from day one (6 year olds) She's got accuracy but no power.

 

She told me point blank "Daddy. I know I'm smaller. I know I haven't had the best coaches! But I'm going to learn by the middle of the season to pitch faster and be like them!"

 

I sat back realizing she probably didn't need any extra motivation. Shes a go getter. But I heard my Dads voice say "You're not as big as those girls. You haven't been coached as well as them. Just stick to what you do and do your thing. You can't be them."

 

So I listened to my dad's voice. Spoke it. And cringed doing it. What did she do? Added seven mph to her fastball in less than a week after her and I had a few practices. Unreal.

 

And what did she say as to what motivated her? "Told you I could do it!!!"

[Big Blue 06 195]

Congratulations! Being negative worked in this case. I still don't think I'll do it; just not my style.

[IGotWorms 4,057]

There's quite a bit of evidence that positive reinforcement works far better than punishment as far as molding behavior. So I am going to make a really conscious effort to focus on that as my son gets older.

[Djgb13 2,339]

Everyone has their own methods of parenting/coaching. My method would be a mix of positive and negative motivation. Cause there are times when one is called for over the other

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

Congratulations! Being negative worked in this case. I still don't think I'll do it; just not my style.

Not my style at all either. It's one of those things. You never know what works with kids. I call her a kid, but she's not. I'll be teaching her how to drive this summer. We argue like ShoNuff and RP sometimes.

 

Scared shitless already when I have to tell her to turn right or left. Got one way figured out but the other is anyone's guess. Ugggghhhhh!

[Sho Nuff 720]

I think it depends on the kid.

Some can take that...others shut down.

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

I think it depends on the kid.

Some can take that...others shut down.

How were you brought up? If you don't mind me asking?

[Sho Nuff 720]

How were you brought up? If you don't mind me asking?

Never hard thing where i despised my family or anything. Both my dad and step dad (lived with mom and step dad) would offer encouragement...but never the "youre the best" type stuff. Give constructive criticism and tips or help me wirk on things i needed help with.

 

Try to do similar with my son (having coached him for 2 years of soccer and niw one season of basketball )

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

Never hard thing where i despised my family or anything. Both my dad and step dad (lived with mom and step dad) would offer encouragement...but never the "youre the best" type stuff. Give constructive criticism and tips or help me wirk on things i needed help with.

 

Try to do similar with my son (having coached him for 2 years of soccer and niw one season of basketball )

Cool!

[TimmySmith 2,782]

Motivation needs to be mixed up. People tune out repetition.

[Sho Nuff 720]

Cool!

 

Helped I played sports that they had been involved in for the most part (not sure either of them really played basketball). But both did with baseball.

 

Soccer, I thankfully had a lot of help from an assistant who had played in college...I only played when I was like 8 and 9 before just playing baseball.

He plays travel now and is beyond anything I could have taught him.

 

But I definitely see in coaching that some of the kids can take a bit more criticism and the negative and some have to be more positively reinforced or they lose their confidence.

[posty 2,613]

Sounds like steroids to me...

[RLLD 4,145]

On Dickie V's twitter today he posted "the 4 words every coach should use" and it was something like "I believe in you", but one person responded with "shut your ugly faces" and I laughed, alot......

[MDC 7,156]

On Dickie V's twitter today he posted "the 4 words every coach should use" and it was something like "I believe in you", but one person responded with "shut your ugly faces" and I laughed, alot......

My football coach in HS would give a speech at the end of the season about how nothing would happen if you didn't train in the offseason.

 

"All those guys from Eastside, Paterson, Clifton Heights etc are going to come back bigger, stronger, faster and nothing is going to happen to you."

 

I found that to be a motivator.

 

As a parent, employee and manager I find the carrot + stick approach works best.

[hoytdwow 202]

The beatings will continue until morale improves!

[RLLD 4,145]

My football coach in HS would give a speech at the end of the season about how nothing would happen if you didn't train in the offseason.

 

"All those guys from Eastside, Paterson, Clifton Heights etc are going to come back bigger, stronger, faster and nothing is going to happen to you."

 

I found that to be a motivator.

 

As a parent, employee and manager I find the carrot + stick approach works best.

 

My coach would say stuff like what we did in practice or in the game is what we would do in life. If you give up out on the field, you will give up when life is tough. He said that football was more than a game, it was as important as math class in determining who would be, maybe more important. He said that everything we were doing was defining who we would become and we needed to train ourselves to be hard against what life had in store, just like preparing for the next opponent....it resonated for me.

[Magnificent Bastard 190]

Edjrs world of Warcraft leader is very encouraging

[lickin_starfish 1,893]

The key is that you taught her to blame some of her inadequacies on the coaches. People should never have to claim 100% of the blame.

[RLLD 4,145]

I always tell my kids the same thing when I coach them, always leave the field/court knowing you gave your best, no one can ask any more than that. And if you know you gave 100%, your absolute best, and still did not win you need to be OK with that. If you love playing a sport, success is not limited to the numbers on a scoreboard......

[mmmmm...beer 790]

When I came up on the road you could do it that way, nowdays the privledged little ones that have never been told no in their whole lives break down crying and quit.

 

We've raised a generation of "when it get hard or tough, just quit" adults.

[RLLD 4,145]

When I came up on the road you could do it that way, nowdays the privledged little ones that have never been told no in their whole lives break down crying and quit.

 

We've raised a generation of "when it get hard or tough, just quit" adults.

when it gets tough just blame someone else, the police, government, racial bias"

[posty 2,613]

So for those that are coaching soccer, lacrosse or basketball, what do you think about conditioning for kids that are 9-11 years old?

 

Do you think you should be doing conditioning at practices as well as teaching skills and other things?

[RLLD 4,145]

So for those that are coaching soccer, lacrosse or basketball, what do you think about conditioning for kids that are 9-11 years old?

 

Do you think you should be doing conditioning at practices as well as teaching skills and other things?

 

No. At that age it is about having fun and getting them to learn in the process. It should be an experience that results in a positive view of the sport at the end of the season. Rotating among every position, regardless of the score or outcome.

 

They may stop playing that sport, and even if they stay eventually they will be pigeonholed into a spot, so early on it should be about playing....for fun....for the love of playing.

 

Conditioning is not a pleasant experience, and smaller kids just don't get much benefit out of it; if anything, stretching.

[BudBro 173]

My father used this tactic from the time I could walk until the day I graduated high school. He believed that fear and failure was the greatest motivator. And it worked. For the most part.

 

I didn't see the correlation growing up. Being told I'd probably become a ditch digger and a Fawking dumb ass if I stayed the path I was heading made me despise him. And I didn't understand that he was challenging me to be better. Being a teenager that knows everything had its privelages.

 

Looking back, I understand. Fast forward to today. I've been the most positive father I could be compared to him. No matter the situation, I find a positive attitude or spin with my daughter. Even when I find and use constructive criticism, I I so in a way that we (in my mind) walk away from respectfully.

 

So last week we leave a softball game that she pitched in. She's a good pitcher but lacks speed. She's average height and build. Never had a great pitching coach that coached her the way she could have been. The park we are at concentrates all if the resources toward the boys .The other girls from the other parks are big and have been brought up through the system from day one (6 year olds) She's got accuracy but no power.

 

She told me point blank "Daddy. I know I'm smaller. I know I haven't had the best coaches! But I'm going to learn by the middle of the season to pitch faster and be like them!"

 

I sat back realizing she probably didn't need any extra motivation. Shes a go getter. But I heard my Dads voice say "You're not as big as those girls. You haven't been coached as well as them. Just stick to what you do and do your thing. You can't be them."

 

So I listened to my dad's voice. Spoke it. And cringed doing it. What did she do? Added seven mph to her fastball in less than a week after her and I had a few practices. Unreal.

 

And what did she say as to what motivated her? "Told you I could do it!!

During a conflict, 83% of men feel disrespected and 72% of women feel unloved. Your dad probably had a good-willed heart towards you when he used that tactic, but the way a male is wired made you "hear" it as disrespectful, as contempt. A man will usually flee the situation emotionally and even physically to try and deal with the pain of feeling contempt by another person, especially one he values. It happens in marriages, business environments, in everyday relationships. The only way to motivate a man is to provide him respect. He is wired naturally to give and receive respect.

 

With regard to your daughter, a man is not naturally wired to love. In the bible, a man is commanded to love his wife unconditionally because he isn't able to do it naturally. Women love naturally, but have no natural ability to reverence or honor a man. They believe a man must earn respect, so they are commanded to respect unconditionally.

 

Your daughter is motivated by face to face time with you. She tells you full stories in an effort to build rapport. Men want the bottom line up front, but that's not how chicks work. They are building relationship with you by telling you all the details and she wants your attention to "feel" like you love her. She isn't wanting the problem solved for her. She admitted at the end of your story that she fixed it herself. She just wanted to talk with you.

 

When chicks talk, we should have the courage to ask "Do you just need me to listen or is there a problem you would like me to help solve?" That way, you don't go off on a journey of problem solving when you weren't asked to, and have your feelings hurt when she really didn't want the solution you offered. Now that you know she "feels" loved when you just listen, it will give you more incentive to just love her.

 

When she says something to you that feels disrespectful (and she will, because she is female), it's fair to you to say "I'm sure you didn't mean to sound disrespectful when you said that. Did I come across as unloving when I said .....?" When you explain to her that you have a need for respect, she will work to be respectful. Good habits build good feelings. As you feel respected by her, you will love her even more.

 

Our culture has put full emphasis on love and has disregarded a man's wiring for respect.

[IGotWorms 4,057]

Now that I think about it probably one of the single biggest motivators in my life happened when my high school gym teacher cussed me out hardcore for "half-assing" everything in my whole g0ddamned life. He was right. I continued to do just that for years but those words took root somewhere and eventually had an impact

[posty 2,613]

No. At that age it is about having fun and getting them to learn in the process. It should be an experience that results in a positive view of the sport at the end of the season. Rotating among every position, regardless of the score or outcome.

 

They may stop playing that sport, and even if they stay eventually they will be pigeonholed into a spot, so early on it should be about playing....for fun....for the love of playing.

 

Conditioning is not a pleasant experience, and smaller kids just don't get much benefit out of it; if anything, stretching.

I understand having fun, but if the kids are getting killed in games because they aren't in shape, there is a good chance that they aren't having fun...

 

Of course it is tough to get in shape with one or two practices a week, but I think any conditioning is a good thing... It definitely shows me who has the desire...

[BunnysBastatrds 2,321]

During a conflict, 83% of men feel disrespected and 72% of women feel unloved. Your dad probably had a good-willed heart towards you when he used that tactic, but the way a male is wired made you "hear" it as disrespectful, as contempt. A man will usually flee the situation emotionally and even physically to try and deal with the pain of feeling contempt by another person, especially one he values. It happens in marriages, business environments, in everyday relationships. The only way to motivate a man is to provide him respect. He is wired naturally to give and receive respect.

 

With regard to your daughter, a man is not naturally wired to love. In the bible, a man is commanded to love his wife unconditionally because he isn't able to do it naturally. Women love naturally, but have no natural ability to reverence or honor a man. They believe a man must earn respect, so they are commanded to respect unconditionally.

 

Your daughter is motivated by face to face time with you. She tells you full stories in an effort to build rapport. Men want the bottom line up front, but that's not how chicks work. They are building relationship with you by telling you all the details and she wants your attention to "feel" like you love her. She isn't wanting the problem solved for her. She admitted at the end of your story that she fixed it herself. She just wanted to talk with you.

 

When chicks talk, we should have the courage to ask "Do you just need me to listen or is there a problem you would like me to help solve?" That way, you don't go off on a journey of problem solving when you weren't asked to, and have your feelings hurt when she really didn't want the solution you offered. Now that you know she "feels" loved when you just listen, it will give you more incentive to just love her.

 

When she says something to you that feels disrespectful (and she will, because she is female), it's fair to you to say "I'm sure you didn't mean to sound disrespectful when you said that. Did I come across as unloving when I said .....?" When you explain to her that you have a need for respect, she will work to be respectful. Good habits build good feelings. As you feel respected by her, you will love her even more.

 

Our culture has put full emphasis on love and has disregarded a man's wiring for respect.

 

 

This is what I need to work on in a big way. I'm always trying to fix and solve. That's some great advice. Thanks.

[RLLD 4,145]

 

 

This is what I need to work on in a big way. I'm always trying to fix and solve. That's some great advice. Thanks.

 

Same. Its the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus....and I try real hard to be the better partner, just wish my wife had the same desire.

[Sho Nuff 720]

So for those that are coaching soccer, lacrosse or basketball, what do you think about conditioning for kids that are 9-11 years old?

 

Do you think you should be doing conditioning at practices as well as teaching skills and other things?

 

Some, but I have just pushed conditioning on their own. A lot of them did quite a bit of that on their own.

Also depends on the level.

But we did not have enough time to really do much conditioning. They would run some...just to get used to the back and forth. But most of the time we were incorporating skills with the running/jogging. Keeping the ball at your feet for soccer...and being able to dribble with your head up for basketball.

Also with soccer...drills where two players are racing to the ball to beat the other one to it...whoever gets their first then turns it around to set up the offense, and the guy who "loses" goes into defense mode.

 

At that age though...they really need the simple skills reinforcement still. Dribbling and passing more than anything (for both sports)...they all love to shoot (again, in both sports) and most already know how to shoot.

[BudBro 173]

 

Same. Its the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus....and I try real hard to be the better partner, just wish my wife had the same desire.

Every husband wishes this. Have you ever been told that she doesn't have the natural capacity to respect you? i doubt you have. i hadn't.

 

Our culture tells that we just need to love more and love more and all will work out. But, that's not true. The study was from the Univ of Wash and Prof John Gottman https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman.

 

Gottman affirmed what was written 2000 years ago in Eph 5:33.

 

Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 

1Pe 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

 

1Pe 3:5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

1Pe 3:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

 

Col 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

Col 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

 

Pro 21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

 

Fascinating, in a strange way, eh? Of course, we are commanded to unconditionally love her first, and she is commanded to unconditionally respect us first....so neither can use it to manipulate or coerce the other. It's intended to be genuine.

 

 

 

Gen 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

 

The woman desires the position of authority that the man was given over her, so he defensively acts out the authority he was given over her. She is disrespectful of his position, and he is unloving in order to assert his power in that position.

[BudBro 173]

 

Some, but I have just pushed conditioning on their own. A lot of them did quite a bit of that on their own.

Also depends on the level.

But we did not have enough time to really do much conditioning. They would run some...just to get used to the back and forth. But most of the time we were incorporating skills with the running/jogging. Keeping the ball at your feet for soccer...and being able to dribble with your head up for basketball.

Also with soccer...drills where two players are racing to the ball to beat the other one to it...whoever gets their first then turns it around to set up the offense, and the guy who "loses" goes into defense mode.

 

At that age though...they really need the simple skills reinforcement still. Dribbling and passing more than anything (for both sports)...they all love to shoot (again, in both sports) and most already know how to shoot.

 

Sho Nuff, have you seen the skills stuff at I'm Possible http://main.possibletraining.com/? Micah Lancaster has a bunch of really great basketball stuff on youtube. He trains Kyrie Irving and a bunch of other nba guys. My 5th graders have been using the medicine balls and slide cones this season. They have improved tremendously...though they don't love it. It's definitely new and different basketball training.

[Sho Nuff 720]

 

Sho Nuff, have you seen the skills stuff at I'm Possible http://main.possibletraining.com/? Micah Lancaster has a bunch of really great basketball stuff on youtube. He trains Kyrie Irving and a bunch of other nba guys. My 5th graders have been using the medicine balls and slide cones this season. They have improved tremendously...though they don't love it. It's definitely new and different basketball training.

Ill check it out. ..thanks.

[kutulu 1,659]

GFY

[jerryskids 6,579]

There's quite a bit of evidence that positive reinforcement works far better than punishment as far as molding behavior. So I am going to make a really conscious effort to focus on that as my son gets older.

 

This is true. In our taekwondo we are fairly advanced in doing this; the basic concept is "praise-correct-praise". Example:

Kid does a side kick. Instructor: "That was a really strong kick!" (high five) "Now, let's try turning your foot this way." (Kid does some kicks, shows some improvement). Instructor: "Great job, that looks even better!"

 

As the kids get older, you need to make sure your initial praise is not bullshiot, because people can recognize false praise.

 

Thing is, positive reinforcement is very difficult because in many ways it goes against our nature; we tend to notice and focus on the negative. If you have a bunch of young kids who are supposed to stand on their stars (star stickers on the floor), and a couple of kids aren't, your gut reaction is to tell them to get on their stars. But if instead you pick out one kid who IS on his star and say "great job standing on your star!", the other kids will instantly jump to them. It's amazing to watch actually. Works with adults too, although at some level we are thinking "yeah crap, I know what he is really saying is that I'm not on my star."

[posty 2,613]

Sho Nuff, have you seen the skills stuff at I'm Possible http://main.possibletraining.com/? Micah Lancaster has a bunch of really great basketball stuff on youtube. He trains Kyrie Irving and a bunch of other nba guys. My 5th graders have been using the medicine balls and slide cones this season. They have improved tremendously...though they don't love it. It's definitely new and different basketball training.

Yeah I will check this out as well... Thanks...

[kutulu 1,659]

Eat a bag of d1cks.

[jerryskids 6,579]

Eat a bag of d1cks.

 

Congrats on 50K posts. That's a special tier of pathetic. Three of them were good, including this one.

[kutulu 1,659]

 

Congrats on 50K posts. That's a special tier of pathetic. Three of them were good, including this one.

 

50K dont matter. just as long as yer doing good my friend

[kutulu 1,659]

 

Congrats on 50K posts. That's a special tier of pathetic. Three of them were good, including this one.

 

Hey I think I might come to zona sometime soon. How about we swap bitches or at least bang our own wives doggie style in the same room while they make out with each other.

[jerryskids 6,579]

 

Hey I think I might come to zona sometime soon. How about we swap bitches or at least bang our own wives doggie style in the same room while they make out with each other.

 

Sounds interesting but unfortunately my wife is not into chicks and has this weird monogamy concept of marriage.