ELEVATORS

[wiffleball 4,660]

Some simple rules for using that little magic box that takes you from one floor to another.

 

 

1) When the bell dings and the doors slide open, if you're waiting for an elevator - GET THE FOCK ON as quickly as possible. The other people IN the elevator already shouldn't have to wait there while you amble as if you're on your way to the gas chamber. In short, Walk Quickly In.

 

1a) A corollary to the WQI rule: When several people are waiting for the same elevator and you're the first one in line, stop focking lollygagging you fat axx and get the fock in the elevator - and once you're in there, don't slow down, don't stop, get to the BACK of the focking box ASAP so the other 5 people behind you aren't getting whacked by the elevator doors. I swear, these HAVE to be the same people who walk into the grocery store and just STOP right in the entrance.

 

2) ...Which leads us to #2: "Walk Quickly OUT". I don't know how many times the doors have slid open, I'm walking toward the elevator at an angle - a good several seconds are passing and, as I step IN to the elevator, there's some idiot (usually a woman) who's on some kind of 7-second delay standing in the back of the elevator by herself who only then starts walking out. Look, you know what floor you want, you're alone in the elevator, you know when you're going to reach that floor - Why the FOCK aren't you standing right by the doors? And why does it take you so long disembark a 3X3 box for Chrissake??

 

2a) The corollary to the WQO rules is this: The elevator gives you both visual and audio clues as to when exactly the doors are going to open. If you can't manage to pick up on those little clues while scrolling for "paenis enlargement" on your BlackBerry - DON'T USE THE FOCKING THING! I don't know how many times I've started to walk into an elevator - only to be met by some focktard diicking around with his blackberry.

 

3) You are NOT a little Teapot. Unless are alone, it is NEVER approriate to stand in an elevator with your hands on your hips like you've just peed in the snow and are admiring your handiwork. Men should never have their hands on their hips anyway. (at least not the straight ones). You're taking up FAR more real estate than you need to.

 

4) Get off the focking cell. You're 2 minutes away from being OUT of the building and in your car. You can check on your Aunt Ida's yeast infection then. Until then, we don't want to hear about it.

 

You've been warned.

[Vikings4ever 496]

Always, always, always hold the fart in until you hear the ding for your floor.

[JScott 20]

I'll add to the list...

 

5) FACE FORWARD!!! The people in the back face forward, the people in the middle face forward. So WHY do the focks in the front on the side feel the need to face sideways

[wiffleball 4,660]

I'll add to the list...

 

5) FACE FORWARD!!! The people in the back face forward, the people in the middle face forward. So WHY do the focks in the front on the side feel the need to face sideways

 

 

[remote controller 136]

Always, always, always hold the fart in until you hear the ding for your floor.

So you let it rip on the way out?

[jerryskids 5,295]

Maybe if you took the stairs more, you wouldn't be such a fat ass.

[Sergeant Bri 0]

Elevators elevate the SBD into an art form.

[Vikings4ever 496]

So you let it rip on the way out?

Works great for silent-but-deadlies. By the time the smell spreads, you're gone.

 

All the fun of farting in elevators, with none of the blame.

[Electric Mayhem 35]

If you make eye contact with an approaching straggler, you must hold the door. And that means actually hold the door, not pretend to try and find/press the 'door open' button while the doors close. if you can avoid eye contact by hiding to the side of the door or looking elsewhere you are free to let it close.

 

If the elevator is jammed and you are in teh front, get out when it stops to let others off. Dont cram into other people trying to make room for the guy in the back that has to get out. It won't leave without you. I promise.

 

Let chicks in before you. Let them out before you. It's polite, you look good doing it, and you can check out their tushies without consequence.

[kutulu 1,556]

I'll add to the list...

 

5) FACE FORWARD!!! The people in the back face forward, the people in the middle face forward. So WHY do the focks in the front on the side feel the need to face sideways

 

 

When I'm in the front I always face the back...I love making people feel uncomfortable.

 

[Sergeant Bri 0]

6) When summoning the elevator, if the UP button is already lit, there is no need to press it. Believe it or not, you're really no better at pressing the UP button than anyone else.

[Mephisto 15]

All of those suck.

 

The only important one is... WAIT FOR THE FOCKING PEOPLE TO GET OFF THE ELEVATOR BEFORE YOU START RUSHING YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE ELEVATOR SO THAT THERE ISN'T THIS BIG, HEAPING COLLISION OF BODIES AND BODY PARTS AT THE OPENING OF THE DOOR!

 

But hey, thanks for trying.

 

When I'm in the front I always face the back...I love making people feel uncomfortable.

 

Do you also take your time and look everyone in the eye with a creepy smile on your face?

[wiffleball 4,660]

6) When summoning the elevator, if the UP button is already lit, there is no need to press it. Believe it or not, you're really no better at pressing the UP button than anyone else.

 

 

Yeah, but if 3 or 4 people press it, then the Elevator KNOWS that there's a bunch of people down there waiting for it and hurries down far more quickly.

 

If you make eye contact with an approaching straggler, you must hold the door. And that means actually hold the door, not pretend to try and find/press the 'door open' button while the doors close. if you can avoid eye contact by hiding to the side of the door or looking elsewhere you are free to let it close.

 

If the elevator is jammed and you are in teh front, get out when it stops to let others off. Dont cram into other people trying to make room for the guy in the back that has to get out. It won't leave without you. I promise.

 

Let chicks in before you. Let them out before you. It's polite, you look good doing it, and you can check out their tushies without consequence.

 

 

Good suggestions - especially the 2nd one. I do the 3rd one, but it focking frustrating and inefficient. I let a herd of wimmens off, then I'm stuck behind their slow axxes until I can find a way around them. If I could just get out in front, everybody'd be happier. (and by everybody, I mean "me").

 

Sometimes, courtesy sucks.

[Mephisto 15]

Yeah, but if 3 or 4 people press it, then the Elevator KNOWS that there's a bunch of people down there waiting for it and hurries down far more quickly.

 

 

Wasn't thah an SNL skit or Mad TV skit? A couple of people waiting for the elevator get impatient and just start pressing the button repeatedly... when the door opens, everyone is all in a heap and intertwined on the floor, struggling to get up?

[wiffleball 4,660]

Wasn't thah an SNL skit or Mad TV skit? A couple of people waiting for the elevator get impatient and just start pressing the button repeatedly... when the door opens, everyone is all in a heap and intertwined on the floor, struggling to get up?

 

 

I didn't see it, but it made me anyway.

[jerryskids 5,295]

All of those suck.

 

The only important one is... WAIT FOR THE FOCKING PEOPLE TO GET OFF THE ELEVATOR BEFORE YOU START RUSHING YOUR FAT ASS INTO THE ELEVATOR SO THAT THERE ISN'T THIS BIG, HEAPING COLLISION OF BODIES AND BODY PARTS AT THE OPENING OF THE DOOR!

 

But hey, thanks for trying.

This is true and was a glaring omission from wiff's list of rules.

[Sho Nuff 720]

Some simple rules for using that little magic box that takes you from one floor to another.

1) When the bell dings and the doors slide open, if you're waiting for an elevator - GET THE FOCK ON as quickly as possible. The other people IN the elevator already shouldn't have to wait there while you amble as if you're on your way to the gas chamber. In short, Walk Quickly In.

 

 

2) ...Which leads us to #2: "Walk Quickly OUT". I don't know how many times the doors have slid open, I'm walking toward the elevator at an angle - a good several seconds are passing and, as I step IN to the elevator, there's some idiot (usually a woman) who's on some kind of 7-second delay standing in the back of the elevator by herself who only then starts walking out. Look, you know what floor you want, you're alone in the elevator, you know when you're going to reach that floor - Why the FOCK aren't you standing right by the doors? And why does it take you so long disembark a 3X3 box for Chrissake??

 

 

Ummm...this causes a huge problem.

 

With 1....you walk the fock on only after others can get the fock off. I want to propose legislation that makes it ok for me to punch you in the face if you try getting on the elevator before I have a chance to get off. No repercussions to me for punching you...you just have to take it for being a complete and utter moron.

[wiffleball 4,660]

Ummm...this causes a huge problem.

 

With 1....you walk the fock on only after others can get the fock off. I want to propose legislation that makes it ok for me to punch you in the face if you try getting on the elevator before I have a chance to get off. No repercussions to me for punching you...you just have to take it for being a complete and utter moron.

 

 

That's where the "as possible" comes in. I agree with being able to punch the doosh who's so self centered that he can't possibly imagine anyone getting OFF the elevator when he wants to get ON. I'm talking about the turds who take way too long to shuffle on the elevator once the doors open and it's all clear.

 

Just had that happen to me today. We have banks of two elevators on either side of the elevator lobby (4 total). The entire elevator lobby probably isn't more than 4 paces. Stand the fock in the middle. The fockers just kinda amble their way from one side to the other - no sense of urgency - they SEE us in there. If the doors started to close on their lazy axxes, they'd expect us to keep them open. Seriously, they couldn't have shuffled any slower if they were in leg irons.

[nospk 230]

How about these 2:

 

1. Take a fockin bath/shower so I don't have to smell your stink.

This is mainly directed at foreigners. We have water and soap

in this country so USE IT OFTEN!

 

2. If you are an old lady, don't cover up your stinkin body with some fockin

perfume that smells like Glade Lilac Powder air freshener that makes

me gag worse than your stink smell would.

[phillybear 365]

When positioned in the back of the elevator, you should turn around and stare at the back wall, to ensure that you will not accidently look anyone else in the eye, and it discourages conversation. This is also known as The Blair Witch.

 

No conversation is allowed. I don't care if you think the weather is nice, or you like my tie, or someone on the fourth floor is about to set off a dirty bomb. Whatever you want to say is not important, you self indulgent twat.

 

Wheelchairs are to be banned from elevators. You take up too much focking space. I swear to all things holy, if I see someone in a wheelchair try to board an elevator, they will receive a beating from me.

 

When a dozen crapper busting fatties get on board and cause the total weight aboard the elevator to shoot way past the maximum pounds allowed, I start to jump up and down in order to force the elevator cable to snap. Hey, I might die, but at least these focks who are too stupid to understand math will die too.

[Toro 1]

Me and you, your momma and your cousin too

Rollin down the strip on vogues

Comin up slammin Cadillac doors

 

[remote controller 136]

When positioned in the back of the elevator, you should turn around and stare at the back wall, to ensure that you will not accidently look anyone else in the eye, and it discourages conversation. This is also known as The Blair Witch.

 

No conversation is allowed. I don't care if you think the weather is nice, or you like my tie, or someone on the fourth floor is about to set off a dirty bomb. Whatever you want to say is not important, you self indulgent twat.

 

Wheelchairs are to be banned from elevators. You take up too much focking space. I swear to all things holy, if I see someone in a wheelchair try to board an elevator, they will receive a beating from me.

 

When a dozen crapper busting fatties get on board and cause the total weight aboard the elevator to shoot way past the maximum pounds allowed, I start to jump up and down in order to force the elevator cable to snap. Hey, I might die, but at least these focks who are too stupid to understand math will die too.

pretty good sammich

[MDC 5,934]

1. When you get off the elevator, do not stand in front of the doors - obstructing everyone else's entrance to the elevator - while you look down both hallways trying to figure out which way to go. You are going to make us miss the elevator.

2. Unless you are physically disabled, do not ever ride an elevator one floor if there is a flight of stairs you can take. Please note that obesity and laziness are NOT disabilities.

3. When riding the elevator, do not listen to your iPod so loud that everyone in the elevator can hear every note of what you're listening to. Absolutely do not hum or sing along to your iPod.

4. Do not hold the elevator for a colleage for longer than a moment. If your coworker can not make it down the hall and into the elevator within a few seconds, he or she can catch the next ride.

5. Do not ever under any circumstances hold the elevator open between floors so that you can continue/finish your conversation with a coworker who is exiting said elevator.

 

There may be one more.

[remote controller 136]

If your with your wife or girlfriend make sure she wears no panties under her skirt. It's a tip!

[Sergeant Bri 0]

If your with your wife or girlfriend make sure she wears no panties under her skirt. It's a tip!

this is much more important on an escalator.

[remote controller 136]

this is much more important on an escalator.

Point taken

[Mephisto 15]

Ummm...this causes a huge problem.

 

With 1....you walk the fock on only after others can get the fock off. I want to propose legislation that makes it ok for me to punch you in the face if you try getting on the elevator before I have a chance to get off. No repercussions to me for punching you...you just have to take it for being a complete and utter moron.

 

I think it should simply be legal to "check" them. Yeah, cross-check them with a briefcase or just deliver a body-check or a good, solid forearm.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

When you are the only one on the elevator on the way down to the main floor push every single floor so the people getting on have a long ride on the way up and run like hell

[thetxstang 0]

All right, be honest, which one of you is this guy?

 

[IGotWorms 3,385]

2. Unless you are physically disabled, do not ever ride an elevator one floor if there is a flight of stairs you can take. Please note that obesity and laziness are NOT disabilities.

 

This is my biggest pet peeve. I would even extend it to TWO floors, but maybe thats just me.

 

Honestly, if you can't walk up or down two flights of stairs (and its not due to a legitimate disability), just kill yourself.

[GobbleDog 822]

1. If you accidently push the wrong button... be a man! Exit the elevator at the wrong floor like you meant to go there and wait for the next one. Don't tell people you're screwed up and then push another button causing everyone to wait simply because your an idiot.

 

2. Never stand in front of the buttons like you're a paid elevator operator asking everyone who enters "which floor"? If they need a button pushed and can't reach it, they'll tell you!

[The Total Package 0]

Some simple rules for using that little magic box that takes you from one floor to another.

1) When the bell dings and the doors slide open, if you're waiting for an elevator - GET THE FOCK ON as quickly as possible. The other people IN the elevator already shouldn't have to wait there while you amble as if you're on your way to the gas chamber. In short, Walk Quickly In.

 

1a) A corollary to the WQI rule: When several people are waiting for the same elevator and you're the first one in line, stop focking lollygagging you fat axx and get the fock in the elevator - and once you're in there, don't slow down, don't stop, get to the BACK of the focking box ASAP so the other 5 people behind you aren't getting whacked by the elevator doors. I swear, these HAVE to be the same people who walk into the grocery store and just STOP right in the entrance.

 

2) ...Which leads us to #2: "Walk Quickly OUT". I don't know how many times the doors have slid open, I'm walking toward the elevator at an angle - a good several seconds are passing and, as I step IN to the elevator, there's some idiot (usually a woman) who's on some kind of 7-second delay standing in the back of the elevator by herself who only then starts walking out. Look, you know what floor you want, you're alone in the elevator, you know when you're going to reach that floor - Why the FOCK aren't you standing right by the doors? And why does it take you so long disembark a 3X3 box for Chrissake??

 

2a) The corollary to the WQO rules is this: The elevator gives you both visual and audio clues as to when exactly the doors are going to open. If you can't manage to pick up on those little clues while scrolling for "paenis enlargement" on your BlackBerry - DON'T USE THE FOCKING THING! I don't know how many times I've started to walk into an elevator - only to be met by some focktard diicking around with his blackberry.

 

3) You are NOT a little Teapot. Unless are alone, it is NEVER approriate to stand in an elevator with your hands on your hips like you've just peed in the snow and are admiring your handiwork. Men should never have their hands on their hips anyway. (at least not the straight ones). You're taking up FAR more real estate than you need to.

 

4) Get off the focking cell. You're 2 minutes away from being OUT of the building and in your car. You can check on your Aunt Ida's yeast infection then. Until then, we don't want to hear about it.

 

You've been warned.

 

If this stuff really bothers you that much, you have issues. May I suggest anger management classes?

[wiffleball 4,660]

1. If you accidently push the wrong button... be a man! Exit the elevator at the wrong floor like you meant to go there and wait for the next one. Don't tell people you're screwed up and then push another button causing everyone to wait simply because your an idiot.

 

2. Never stand in front of the buttons like you're a paid elevator operator asking everyone who enters "which floor"? If they need a button pushed and can't reach it, they'll tell you!