Very Serious Parenting Question

[mmmmm...beer 691]

If I had a daughter I might spank her as old as 25........

 

INNAPROPRIATE!!

[listen2me 23 1,544]

If I had a daughter I might spank her as old as 25........

 

Seriously I was thinking spanking was for 3-about age 5 or 6.

[Big_Pete 0]

Your kids are playin' ya, bra. They know they focked up, BF put them in their place and now they are crying to you because they know you will throw a sh!t fit and the man spending everyday raising your kids won't be able to spank them again.

I think this is the case as well.

Look the BF is a father figure to them, or should be. Yes yes, I know he isn't the father, isn't the step father, and he's "just" the boyfriend. But the point is that the kids are HIS responsablity. I know you will argue that they aren't, but they are. He's providing for them. He's buying clothes, buying groceries, putting a roof over their head, taking time off of work if needed etc.... The kids NEED a father figure. I know it hurts that you are so far away, but you need to think about what is best for the kids and not necessarily what is best for your ego. Agreed that there should have been a time long before this that a parenting/discipline talk should have happened, but it didn't, time to move on. It's been 2 years, so whether you like it or not, your kids to a degree see him in more of a parenting way than just your ex's boyfriend.

But since your kids saw you, they are going to test the boundaries and try to undermine the boyfriend because they know emotions are going to be high.

If the boyfriend loves your ex, and loves your kids, then he has every right to try to help raise them the best way that they see fit, and an occasional spanking, or spankings as often as warranted are part of that. Kudo's to him for not letting the kids run amok. Kids need discipline or else they'll grow up to be burnouts and dropouts. He obviously cares enough to try to raise them right. Put your ego aside and try to understand that.

[$epphori$ 118]

well I appreciate all the comments and opinions. The BF does work, and provide partially. The X also works..I also send them $$$ every month...and I am the one who gets the shiat end of the stick. For what I can see he is a good dude. This is just all knew to me and I am trying to sort all this out.

[Bert 1,091]

well I appreciate all the comments and opinions. The BF does work, and provide partially. The X also works..I also send them $$$ every month...and I am the one who gets the shiat end of the stick. For what I can see he is a good dude. This is just all knew to me and I am trying to sort all this out.

 

Props to you for caring and don't feel to bad it's tuff having kids.

 

I don't have kids but most of my friends do have children. Some are divorced some are not. Some of the kids are good kids some of them are not. The only thing they all have in common is that all the parents are blind (a little in the best cases and totally in the worst) when it comes to their kids.

[$epphori$ 118]

I think this is the case as well.

Look the BF is a father figure to them, or should be. Yes yes, I know he isn't the father, isn't the step father, and he's "just" the boyfriend. But the point is that the kids are HIS responsablity. I know you will argue that they aren't, but they are. He's providing for them. He's buying clothes, buying groceries, putting a roof over their head, taking time off of work if needed etc.... The kids NEED a father figure. I know it hurts that you are so far away, but you need to think about what is best for the kids and not necessarily what is best for your ego. Agreed that there should have been a time long before this that a parenting/discipline talk should have happened, but it didn't, time to move on. It's been 2 years, so whether you like it or not, your kids to a degree see him in more of a parenting way than just your ex's boyfriend.

But since your kids saw you, they are going to test the boundaries and try to undermine the boyfriend because they know emotions are going to be high.

If the boyfriend loves your ex, and loves your kids, then he has every right to try to help raise them the best way that they see fit, and an occasional spanking, or spankings as often as warranted are part of that. Kudo's to him for not letting the kids run amok. Kids need discipline or else they'll grow up to be burnouts and dropouts. He obviously cares enough to try to raise them right. Put your ego aside and try to understand that.

 

I am...and I thank you for explaining it this way. Hard to swallow, but I do want what is best for them.

[$epphori$ 118]

Props to yo for caring.

 

 

Thank you for noticing

[BLS 313]

my oldest has been talking back alot...being dissrespectful to the BF.....the bottom line is they r not his kids and outa respect he should have talked to me...the way I see it..he is basicly saying fvck you to me by not thinking of how I would feel about this situation

 

 

I'm pretty sure you're just a pussie based on your statements so far.

 

If you don't approve, don't leave their mom, or don't have kids.

 

THAT's why I don't have kids and ain't ever getting married. Fock all that sh1t.

It's ridiculous the sh1t some people put up with after seperating.

[kilroy69 994]

Thank you for noticing

It really is great that you care.

 

Can I ask you a question?

 

Are your parents still together?

 

 

Mine are not and I am giving you advice based on my past experience. My parents were divorced when I was 8 and we went through the same type of thing.

[ERZER 0]

we r in the process of divorcing, as far as the kids know we already r. Yes I am mad he spanked them, No didn't beat'em. I still do not approve of this. Yes it would be ok for my X to spank them, she is their mother....he is not a step dad..he is a live in BF..and even if he was married to her I still would not approve. They way I see it, if she can't control the boys, they can come live with me. Of course she would never allow that.

 

 

Kind of a difficult situation your X has put you, the FBF, and more importantly the kids.

 

Regardless, you say the guy is a good guy and maybe he is, but you and he are going to have to come to an understanding on how the kids are going to be disciplined. I personally don't have a problem with a pop on the butt once in a while; since he is the defacto male figurehead in their daily lives, he should receive the same respect you would. Therefore I'd say as long as it was justified and above all not abusive, you need to stand by the FBF.

 

For the love of your kids, I'd say you do since posting this, you "adults" had better work this out with the kids (a.k.a brats) understanding the ground rules. If you don't, things are going to turn ugly and the kids will be making you and the X pay for years to come.

 

 

A man can be a BF until he is banging another mans wife when he knows she is married, then he is a FBF

[$epphori$ 118]

It really is great that you care.

 

Can I ask you a question?

 

Are your parents still together?

Mine are not and I am giving you advice based on my past experience. My parents were divorced when I was 8 and we went through the same type of thing.

 

yes my parents are still togther...36 years.

 

My X's never were 2gether...she was raised by her grandmother...

I was willing to stand by my marriage thru thick and thin...but in the end I could'nt fight her any longer...and she left for the 4th and last time...seeing how it was killing the kids..I decided to never go back or even try too...this has helped the kids be a bit more grounded...but in the end she moved away b4 I could stop her...and this is something I have to live with

[$epphori$ 118]

It really is great that you care.

 

Can I ask you a question?

 

Are your parents still together?

Mine are not and I am giving you advice based on my past experience. My parents were divorced when I was 8 and we went through the same type of thing.

 

I am sorry about ur expierence..it is tough what our kids have to go thru. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. I just want them to be happy and loved.

[jerryskids 5,207]

bottom line is he should have called me and said : bra your kids are getting outa hand..and I feel they may need to be spanked and I am wondering how you feel about this.

Normally if there is an issue my X calls me and I set them str8 via phone..and they listen to me...I feel it may be a control issue with the BF

Wrong. If you haven't already, you/X/BF need to talk about how situations will be handled in the future. A model where you need to be called in real time to handle every disciplinary situation is stupid and unmanageable.

[kilroy69 994]

I am sorry about ur expierence..it is tough what our kids have to go thru. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. I just want them to be happy and loved.

Oh I am not. My parents can not even be in the same room together to this day. And they have been divorced for 25 years. My mom got remarried to a GREAT guy. As much as I love my real dad my stepdad was as much or more important to me. He really was one of the best guys you will ever meet in your entire life. We did go through the rough patches about spanking and him not being my dad but he never spanked us for no reason. We always deserved it. When he died it was like my real dad died.

 

The only reason I asked is because if you have went through it you may be able to ID what your kids are doing. Which is trying to stir sh!t up. I mean if he is beating them I understand you having problems with him. However if he spanked them because they were bad then they deserved it. Kids ALWYS push the limits to see how far they can go. And in a situation like that they know that you are not going to be happy, even if it was done in their best interest.

[$epphori$ 118]

Wrong. If you haven't already, you/X/BF need to talk about how situations will be handled in the future. A model where you need to be called in real time to handle every disciplinary situation is stupid and unmanageable.

 

the X and I have discussed this...we agreed that nobody shall lay a hand on the kids but us.

[ERZER 0]

the X and I have discussed this...we agreed that nobody shall lay a hand on the kids but us.

 

 

That answers my reply for the most part, but if I were the FBF (which I wouldn't do that to another man), I'd get the fock out of the relationship. These kids are more than likely never going to respect this guy unless the two of you (X & you) make it clear he is an adult and they shouldn't disrespect him or they'll pay the price.

[jerryskids 5,207]

the X and I have discussed this...we agreed that nobody shall lay a hand on the kids but us.

So how is the BF to handle discipline? Timeouts? Take away video game privileges? Just wondering, since without such guidance, to say "you can't spank my kids" doesn't fix the problem.

[$epphori$ 118]

So how is the BF to handle discipline? Timeouts? Take away video game privileges? Just wondering, since without such guidance, to say "you can't spank my kids" doesn't fix the problem.

 

I have thought about this after reading some of the replies. I have called my X and apologized for being so angry. i also told her to have my son call me tonight to disscuss this, and to let him know that if he acts up then a spanking is in order from the BF. I have to take into consideration the BF's behavior all around, and he does care for my kids. Again thanks to all who replied..

 

for the record my X and I split up long b4 they met..I have nuthn against this man..or my X

[jerryskids 5,207]

I have thought about this after reading some of the replies. I have called my X and apologized for being so angry. i also told her to have my son call me tonight to disscuss this, and to let him know that if he acts up then a spanking is in order from the BF. I have to take into consideration the BF's behavior all around, and he does care for my kids. Again thanks to all who replied..

 

for the record my X and I split up long b4 they met..I have nuthn against this man..or my X

Good. Now that that is settled, let's get to the real questions:

 

Have you done pron with your X?

[$epphori$ 118]

Good. Now that that is settled, let's get to the real questions:

 

Have you done pron with your X?

 

 

lol..yeah...but the tape(VHS) is in storage in Florida.

 

but I have others more recent...

[Chargersin08 0]

Ok..I was married for 9 years and I have two boys ages 9 10. My X (we r still married) (oh yeah 34 DD) but they sag. has a live in boyfriend. He is a good guy. I have met him and they have been 2gether for 2 years now. They live in TN I live in MA. My kids came up recently cuz of a death in the X's family. We spent a few days 2gether b4 they had to go back. Since they got home they have been talking back alot and being angry that they r so far away from my family and myself. I guess something happened over the weekend and the boyfriend spanked my kid...fvck NO..that shiat don't fly with me. I don't care what my kids do, there is no excuse to lay his hands on them.,..Am I right with this? I mean I have a GF and she has a son, and if I was ever in a sitaution and my GF said I could spank her son I would NOT..I would speak to the father out of respect...and get his blessing.has anyone else been in this sitaution? and what did u do?

I would spank the BF right in the face with my fist. He doesn't sound like a good guy to me.

[gocolts 300]

he should receive the same respect you would.

Why should he get respect if he won't show the mother or the kids any respect???

 

Him living with them is outrageous enough. But for him to even think for a second that he can spank them is even more so.

 

MAYBE once they are married. I don't think the boyfriend has any business spanking. Step dad, sure. But boyfriend, no focking way.

 

Why can't the wife spank them when they fock up????

[$epphori$ 118]

Why can't the wife spank them when they fock up????

 

this was exactlly my point...she has all along...but I guess they r not listening to her recently....

[TheNewGirl 1,031]

First thing I'd do is get a focking divorce. That sh|t has got to be HELLA confusing for your kids.

 

Holy sh!t, yes.

[phillybear 364]

Once, when I was watching my fiance's 4 year old daughter, she knocked over my drink. Feeling like I had no choice, I got mad and beat that unsalvageable kid to death with a rake. When my fiance got home, I blamed the dog, which I promptly beat to death too. Then I dumped her at the funeral.

 

Good times, good times.

[gocolts 300]

this was exactlly my point...she has all along...but I guess they r not listening to her recently....

Interesting. My ex is having the same problem. Son doesn't want to listen to her.

 

If they are not listening to her, it is for a reason. For example, my ex's problem is that my son begs her till she gives in, and she always gives in after a while. I don't cave like her. Maybe try and help her figure out what her thing is. He is also pissed at her for the divorce, and moving him away form all his friends.

 

I think it would just cause more problems for the kids than it solves with the new guy handing out discipline.

[Herbivore 905]

bottom line is he should have called me and said : bra your kids are getting outa hand..and I feel they may need to be spanked and I am wondering how you feel about this.

 

Talk to the BF man to man, if he refers to you as "bra", then spank him.

[kilroy69 994]

Once, when I was watching my fiance's 4 year old daughter, she knocked over my drink. Feeling like I had no choice, I got mad and beat that unsalvageable kid to death with a rake. When my fiance got home, I blamed the dog, which I promptly beat to death too. Then I dumped her at the funeral.

 

Good times, good times.

You are a sick fock. B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But funny non the less.

[DAVID RUFFIN 1]

Why should he get respect if he won't show the mother or the kids any respect???

 

Him living with them is outrageous enough. But for him to even think for a second that he can spank them is even more so.

 

MAYBE once they are married. I don't think the boyfriend has any business spanking. Step dad, sure. But boyfriend, no focking way.

 

Why can't the wife spank them when they fock up????

 

 

We finally have a winner.

[kilroy69 994]

Why should he get respect if he won't show the mother or the kids any respect???

 

Him living with them is outrageous enough. But for him to even think for a second that he can spank them is even more so.

 

MAYBE once they are married. I don't think the boyfriend has any business spanking. Step dad, sure. But boyfriend, no focking way.

 

Why can't the wife spank them when they fock up????

Whay makes you say that he does not respect the mother or the kids? I have seen nothing to indicate this?

 

Why is him living with them outrageous? They have been seperated for 2 years and live in different states.

[mmmmm...beer 691]

I have thought about this after reading some of the replies. I have called my X and apologized for being so angry. i also told her to have my son call me tonight to disscuss this, and to let him know that if he acts up then a spanking is in order from the BF. I have to take into consideration the BF's behavior all around, and he does care for my kids. Again thanks to all who replied..

 

for the record my X and I split up long b4 they met..I have nuthn against this man..or my X

 

Very nice... dude that is so the right answer. Hard as hell but it's the right answer. It also will show your son that it's ok for a man to admit a mistake and how to make things right when that mistake is admitted.

[Toro 1]

I have thought about this after reading some of the replies. I have called my X and apologized for being so angry. i also told her to have my son call me tonight to disscuss this, and to let him know that if he acts up then a spanking is in order from the BF. I have to take into consideration the BF's behavior all around, and he does care for my kids. Again thanks to all who replied..

 

for the record my X and I split up long b4 they met..I have nuthn against this man..or my X

 

My 2 cents...

 

Sounds like Momma is letting them get away with disrespecting the BF. Boys, especially at that age, need to know the boundaries. Mom might not be drawing them clearly.

 

Talk to the BF as well. Verbalize what you expect, in terms of punishment, and keep the communication open between you three. Whatever you do, don't let your children think that the BF has to "answer" to you because if they do, based on my previous observation, they are going to do whatever they want.

[Lionsjunkie 1]

Not sure if this has been said yet....

 

Fly down there and punch him in the face in front of the wife (ex) and kids

 

You're welcome...

[Strike 3,979]

My 2 cents...

 

Sounds like Momma is letting them get away with disrespecting the BF. Boys, especially at that age, need to know the boundaries. Mom might not be drawing them clearly.

 

Talk to the BF as well. Verbalize what you expect, in terms of punishment, and keep the communication open between you three. Whatever you do, don't let your children think that the BF has to "answer" to you because if they do, based on my previous observation, they are going to do whatever they want.

 

This from the guy who couldn't even get a dog to behave

[Toro 1]

This from the guy who couldn't even get a dog to behave

 

First your stalking TNG, now me.

[Me_2006 14]

I'll preface this by saying I obviously don't have kids and my parents have been together for 34 years now. So basically strictly opinion and thought, not experience.

 

 

 

 

1. It's tough to think of someone else acting as you. While you may hold no hard feelings toward he or your ex, it's difficult to think of someone "replacing" you in a sense when you feel that they don't have the authority to do so. Whether or not he has the "authority," he has the reality of it and to refuse to let him discipline your children in the way he and your ex deem appropriate would do a disservice to your children.

 

 

2. It looks like you got a tough end of the deal here with the way the separation and everything happened, but to take that angst and direct it towards some sort of territorial ego at the expense of your children would just make things worse.

 

 

3. Being 9 and 10, the kids are a little old for spankings anyway because they're now at the level where the physical punishment isnt the only means of discipline and communicating their negative behavior. Especially with the attitudes kids that age get, they're clever enough to pull the "you arent my dad!" thing out of their bag of tricks and it can be tempting for him to feel a need to show his authority ad command their respect. Both parties can be at fault there and it's a difficult scenario both ways...but the kids have been exposed to this long enough that SOMEONE should have fully discussed their new life to them and explained the parameters of it. The lack of communication towards the children in this situation would make me more angry than someone who has cared for them for 2 years disciplining them physically. Basically, I'd just sit down and discuss it all with them. Even if it means taking the high road, you've gotta do what's best for the kids here, and while I think they're too old for it, if that means a spanking--so be it.

 

 

 

GL man. I'm sure it's tough, but don't take it personally as hard as that may be.

[wiffleball 4,645]

Yeah, I gotta go with the OP's original frame of mind here. One, it concerns me that a live-in BF situation should be happening for 2 years with kids in the house. And if that's the case, you sure as hell shouldn't send anything other than whatever can be directly attributed to the kids.

 

But more importantly, I grew up with a Child Abuse investigator. If the cat sees fit to spank your kids without consultation - AS A LIVE IN BF - It concerns me what he'd do as he feels more and more comfortable (i.e. Divorce is final). Most good men would have trouble with that. He's spoken with you before, it's not as if you're nowhere to be reached.

 

Personally, I'd be leery. As a man and a father, I'd approach both the ex and the dude. Ex will instantaneously side with the BF, but you need to make your concerns known. "Look, if they're that much of a handful that you're resorting to corporal punishment, maybe we need to either have them move here with me or get a social worker involved. Either way, I'm concerned that you're spanking my kids without at least bringing me into the loop. Maybe I could have talked to them and straightened them out - or warned them that I'd signed off on spanking if they don't shape up. But unilateral decisions on something like hitting my kids is just not gonna fly man."

 

That's my 2 cents. Everybody's an expert. It's your kids. I think the paragraph above is pretty damn reasonable for a responsible father. Without involving you on such an escalation ahead of time, mooching BF is setting ALL of you up for the kids to play against each other. - Bad parenting. Bad thinking.

 

Good luck man. Gotta suck. Wish you the best.

[Strike 3,979]

First your stalking TNG, now me.

 

I'm pretty sure you started it today by insulting me in my TNG nagging thread. But, with your limited mental capacity, I can understand why you'd think otherwise short bus.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

I'm pretty sure you're just a pussie based on your statements so far.

 

If you don't approve, don't leave their mom, or don't have kids.

 

THAT's why I don't have kids and ain't ever getting married. Fock all that sh1t.

It's ridiculous the sh1t some people put up with after seperating.

 

 

Your unborn children and the rest of society appreciate it

 

 

 

As far as the problem at hand, you are between a rock and a hard place. The best thing you can do is talk calmly with teh X and the BF and set some ground rules for the future.

 

Best of luck dude, I don't know what I'd do with out my kids.

[The Moz 69]

If the kid was acting up - he deserved a spanking ! The guy is pretty much his dad ( since they live in Ten ) now as shitty as that might be to hear as he is there all the time and you're not.. He is in much more of parenting role than you are with those kids as he's around them all the time - you have said he is a good guy so he prolly had a good reason for it and the kids are likely pissed and trying to play you against him.

 

The real question here is - WTF did you allow your ex to move your Kids a thousand miles away from you ??? I am pretty sure she would need your consent there.