Poll: Best Movie Monologue

[Giants Fan 85]

Are those not the 3 best monolgues in American film? To date?

 

Sigh.

 

Was supposed to be a poll.

 

Quint in Jaws: "Japenese submarine slammed 2 torpedoes into our side chief."

 

Dr. Lechter in Silence of the Lambs: "You know what you look like to me ... Clarice."

 

Tony Montana in Scarface: "You're all a buncha foking aszoles ... you NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME!"

 

My top 3, anyway.

[Giants Fan 85]

Chief Brody: What's that, there on your arm?

 

Hooper: Let me guess ... Mother!?

 

Quint: Nah, Mr. Hooper .... that was the U.S.S. Indianapolis. Got that removed.

 

Hooper: You were on the Indianapolis?

 

Chief Brody: What happened?

 

Quint: Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian .....

 

Robert Shaw ..... died too young. He was a great actor in his day. My vote. I know all 3 by heart ... that's the hardest one to do. If you watch Jaws closely, you'll see it's 2 takes. Too hard in 1 take.

 

Secondly, I gotta go with Pacino. Scarface. He shoulda won an Oscar for that.

 

"Bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson, baseball player ... bossom's mate. Thought he was asleep, Reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, like a kinda top, up-ended ... well ... he'd been bitten in half below the waist."

[Team Revell 0]

I'd have to give it to Marlon Brando in Julius Caesar.

[Snoopy1 0]

The pizza delivery guy in Anal Intruders 6

 

"Where do you want it, miss?"

[porkbutt 861]

i gotta agree with GFIAFP on this one. best speech ever.

 

"Sometimes that shark looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a shark is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be living... 'til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... oh then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. The ocean turns red, and despite all your poundin' and your hollerin' all those sharks come in and... they rip you to pieces."

 

 

 

 

"So, eleven hundred men went into the water. 316 men came out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb"

[Giants Fan 85]

Robert Shaw. A great actor. He shall be missed.

 

Have a little drink to Robert Shaw, well we'll have a little drink for Robert Shaw.

 

Fairwell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies ...

[RLLD 3,455]

Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men....you cant handle the truth....simply crassis

[Giants Fan 85]

Of those three I mentioned ... only 1 got best actor.

 

"Remember how all those boys found you, all the tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of geting out, getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F. B. I."

 

Pacino .... no best actor for Scarface?

 

Wha jou think thas funny?

[mighty_thor 115]

From its a wonderful life, Jimmy Stewart: "Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you're talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you'll ever be... I know very well what you're talking about. You're talking about something you can't get your fingers on, and it's galling you. That's what you're talking about, I know. Well...I've said too much. I -- You're the Board here. You do what you want with this thing. There's just one thing more, though. This town needs this measly one-horse institution if only to have some place where people can come without crawling to Potter."

 

Apocalypse Now, Robert Duvall: "You smell that? Do you smell that? ... Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like ... victory. Someday this war's gonna end .."

[peenie 1,690]

off the top of my head:

godfather

don corelone during wedding of his daughter when some guy asks to avenge rape of his daughter and during meeting of heads of mafia (was that godfather II?)

 

chasing amy

hooper @ comic book convention

 

gladiator

marcus aurelius right before his murder when informing comodus that maximus would be emperor

[Cruzer 1,992]

Braveheart had a good one too - W.Wallace's speech on the battlefield.

[kutulu 1,548]

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that sh1t for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some sh1t this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that sh1t ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

 

Jules

[Dick Cheney 1]

Fletcher in Liar Liar-

 

You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! *Slut*!

 

[PIK 95 2]

How about this one from Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon at a job interview.

 

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a ######. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

[hoytdwow 202]

Dennis Hopper's in "True Romance" is pretty good...the whole "Sicilians are part eggplant" speech.

[peenie 1,690]

Dennis Hopper's in "True Romance" is pretty good...the whole "Sicilians are part eggplant" speech.

 

I JUST RENTED THAT MOVIE THIS WEEK!!! i'd never seen it before and had no idea what it was about. it was off the chain! i couldn't believe that speech! i was like, "omg!! no he di'int...omg, he is so dead..."

 

i rented it because so many geeks said they felt that was slater's best role. i wanted to check it out and was truly satisfied.

[hoytdwow 202]

I JUST RENTED THAT MOVIE THIS WEEK!!! i'd never seen it before and had no idea what it was about. it was off the chain! i couldn't believe that speech! i was like, "omg!! no he di'int...omg, he is so dead..."

 

i rented it because so many geeks said they felt that was slater's best role. i wanted to check it out and was truly satisfied.

[Rusty Syringes 478]

Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

[D_House 0]

How about this one from Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon at a job interview.

 

Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a ######. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

[MicktheGreat 1]

While the Jaws speech is certainly up there, my favorite monologue (or sort-of-monologue) is Alec Baldwin's speech as Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross. He's only in the movie for like 5-10 minutes at the very beginning, but that speech absolutely steals the show and sets the tone for everything that follows.

 

I don't have the whole thing in front of me...but here are some excerpts (courtesy of IMDB.com):

 

BLAKE: "We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

 

BLAKE: "What's your problem, pal? You see this watch? You see this watch? That watch costs more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much did you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a sh!t. Good father? Fock you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here--Close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse you c@cksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it...leave."

 

BLAKE: "You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close sh!t. You are sh!t. Hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going out. (*Someone complains about the leads being "weak"*). "The leads are weak." The leads are weak? You're weak! I've been in this business fifteen years--(*Interrupted...Blake is asked for his name*) Fock you! That's my name! You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an $80,000 BMW. That's my name!"

 

BLAKE: "Put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers..."

 

[Toro 1]

Hello, little man. Boy, I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your Daddy’s. We were in that Hanoi pit of hell over five years together. Hopefully, you’ll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your Daddy were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Coolidge would be talkin’ right now to my son Jim. But the way it worked out is I’m talkin’ to you, Butch. I got somethin’ for you. [The Captain pulls a gold wrist watch from his pocket] This watch I got here was first purchased by your great-granddaddy.

 

It was bought during the First World War in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. It was bought by private Doughboy Erine Coolidge the day he set sail for Paris. It was your great-granddaddy’s war watch, made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. You see, up until then, people just carried pocket watches. Your great-granddaddy wore that watch every day he was in the war. Then when he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the watch off his wrist and put it an ol’ coffee can. And in that can it stayed ’til your grandfather Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again.

 

This time they called it World War Two. Your great-granddaddy gave it to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane’s luck wasn’t as good as his old man’s. Your granddad was a Marine and he was killed with all the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death and he knew it. None of the other boys had any illusions about ever leavin’ that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your 22-year old grandfather asked a gunner on an Air Force transport named Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he had never seen in the flesh, his gold watch.

 

Three days later, your grandfather was dead. But Winocki kept his word. After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad’s gold watch. This watch. This watch was on your Daddy’s wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew if the gooks ever saw the watch it’d be confiscated. The way your Daddy looked at it, that watch was your birthright. And he’d be damned if any slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hid something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

[parrot 789]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

[Sober Kid 0]

Braveheart had a good one too - W.Wallace's speech on the battlefield.

 

And if he were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.

 

[Cruzer 1,992]

D-Day (Bruce McGill): War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.

Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Otter (Tim Matheson): [whispering] Germans?

Boon (Peter Riegert): Forget it, he's rolling.

Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough... [thinks hard] the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go! [runs out, alone; then returns] What the ###### happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer -

Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Bluto: We're just the guys to do it.

D-Day: Let's do it.

Bluto: LET'S DO IT!!

[golden eagles 0]

Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon

 

 

 

Sort of came true, huh...

[JT 137]

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

 

Therapist (Carrie Fisher): Oh no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.

 

Dr Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

 

Therapist: You know, we have to stop.

['Verbal' 0]

Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

[brinett9 0]

A couple of monologues that need to be mentioned here:

 

1. Any Given Sunday

 

2. Patton

 

I don't know what to say really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives, all comes down to today. Now either we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play -- till we're finished. We're in hell right now gentleman. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the ###### kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back, into the light. We can climb out of hell, one inch at a time.

 

Now I can't do it for you, I'm too old. I look around I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I made every wrong choice a middle aged man can make. I, uh, I pissed away all my money, believe it or not, I chased off anyone who's ever loved me, and lately I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

 

Y'know when you get old in life things get taken from you, I mean that's that's that's part of life. But you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, and so is football. Because in either game, life or football, the margin for error is so small, I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it, one half second to slow or to fast, you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break in the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the ###### difference between winning and losing. Between livin' and dying. I'll tell you this in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die who's gonna win that inch , and I know that if I'm going to have any life anymore it's because I'm still willin to fight and die for that inch. Because that's what livin is. The six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now, I think you're gonna see a guy who will go that inch with you. You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you're going to do the same for him.

 

That's a team gentlemen and either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals. That's football guys. That's all it is. Now, What are you going to do?

 

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball player, the toughest boxer. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.

 

Now, an Army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating.

 

We have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We’re going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel.

 

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out under fire. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.

 

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. Let the Hun do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose.

 

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great World War II, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled ###### in Louisiana."

 

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be

proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle – anytime, anywhere.

 

That’s all.

[gocolts 300]

Jaws: Quints speech. "You know the thing about a shark, he's got black eyes, lifeless eyes ..

 

[brinett9 0]

Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.

[pj66jp 0]

Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

 

My favorite

[Vince44 202]

Nick Nolte's character in Blue Chips, at the end when he was talking about basketball, college, and money.

[crocodilecj 0]

Clint Eastwood's "....Do ya' feel lucky, punk?" monologue in DIRTY HARRY

[NAn 39]

Some good ones.

 

Tony Montana at restaurant, Jules quoting bible, Walken on 'the watch' some of my faves.

 

Good catch with Baldwin's 'motivational speech' too...not a big a movie as the others but that was a great monologue and great dialogue throughout (actually Pacino's sales pitch in the bar, where he doesn't even bring up what he's selling till the end is great too).

 

Here's one that hasn't been mentioned, and it's not so much for the monologue but the scene itself and what it represents:

Michael Corleone sitting in chair describing how he's going to kill Solozzo and police captain Mcloskey.

 

The straight laced, war hero who swears he'll never be a part of his family's 'business', calmly, reasonably, calculating, explaining how he'll commit murder setting table for him as the next 'Godfather'.

 

And ends it with: 'It's not personal Sonny, it's only business.'

 

With the slow camera zoom till it's just him in chair filling the screen...one of the best (subtle) scenes of all time.

[pingpong 0]

Well, I believe in the soul, the cack, the puszy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

[PIK 95 2]

Clerks:

 

Randal: Oh fock you! Fock you, pal! Jesus, there you go: trying to pass the buck! Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! (mimics) "I'm not even supposed to be here today" You sound like an azzhole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here - you're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you over-compensate for having what is basically a monkey's job. You push focking buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You - you're so obsessed with making everything seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante - and badly I might add. I work in a shatty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right man, he has no delusions about what he does. Us - we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people who come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so focking advanced, what are we doing working here?

love

 

 

Mallrats:

 

Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Renee, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

 

Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his azz. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your azz too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy

 

 

Chasing Amy (Not really a monologue, but funny as hella):

 

Hooper X: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, is introduced USUALLY by my white artist names. They got SLAPPED with racist names that singled them out as Negros! Now--my book, "White-Hating Coon", don't have any of that bullshat. The hero's name is Maleequa and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet while all you European motherfockers were all hiding out in caves 'n shat, terrified of the sun. He's a strong role-model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell ya: the chickens are coming home to roost, y'all. The black man is no longer going to be playing the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We're keeping it real! And we're going to get respect by any means necessary.

Holden (Ben Affleck): Ah, c'mon, that's a bunch of horseshat! Lando Calrissian was a black guy, y'know, he got to fly the Millenium Falcon! What's the matter with you!

Hooper: Who said that?

Holden: (standing up) I did. Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science fiction fantasy.

Hooper: Hey, FOCK Lando Calrissian!

(Holden shrugs and sits down)

Hooper: Uncle-Tom nigga, heh. It's always some white boy got to invoke the holy trinity. Bust this! Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother-man down--even in a galaxy far far away. Check this shat. You got cracker farmboy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy blond hair blue eyes. Then you got Darth Vader, blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian god!

Banky (Jason Lee): (standing up) What's a nubian?

Hooper: Shut the fock up! (Banky sits down) Now. Vader, he's a spiritual brother, down with the force and all that good shat. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a lightsaber, and the boy decides HE'S gonna run the whole focking universe! Gets a whole KLAN of whites together and they go bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star! Now what the fock do you call that?

Banky: Intergalatic civil war?

Hooper: Gentrification!! They gonna drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote-unquote safe for white folks! In "Jedi," the most insulting installment when Vader's beautiful black visage is SULLIED when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty old white man! They trying to tell us that deep inside, we all wants to be WHITE!!!

Banky: Well, isn't that true?

(Hooper pulls out a gun, releases the safety, kicks over the podium and shoots Banky several times, and Banky falls, clutching his chest. All the other speakers and audience members (excluding Holden and Alyssa who we are about to meet) dive for cover or scatter screaming as...)

Hooper: (shooting into the air): Black rage!!! Black rage!!! I kill all white folks I lay my motherfockin' eyes on!!

(But don't worry everyone, Banky's fine, it was just blanks in the gun and a completely staged publicity stunt for Hooper's comic book title)

 

 

Dogma:

 

Jay: You know that guy, too? That fockin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tats in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shat about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fockin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fockin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby ###### anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little biatch with a skinned knee and shiat. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fockin' fat man weep. Anyway all of John Hughes movies take place in Shermer, Illinois, where all the hunnies are top shelf but all the boys are whiney puzsies-except Judd Nelson man, he was fockin' harsh. So me and "Lunchbox" here figured we could live like fatrats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer. So we collected some money we were owed and boarded a bus. But you know what we found out when we got here? There is no Shermer Illinois -- movies are fockin' bullshit man!

[PIK 95 2]

A couple more funny ones.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shat? What's this bullshat? I don't fockin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the focks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have focked you in the azz Saturday. I fock you in the azz next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus Quintana: You ready to be focked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fock you up.

The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shat with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your azz and pull the focking trigger 'til it goes "click."

The Dude: Jesus.

Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody focks with the Jesus.

[peenie 1,690]

Chasing Amy (Not really a monologue, but funny as hella):

 

Hooper X: For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, is introduced USUALLY by my white artist names. They got SLAPPED with racist names that singled them out as Negros! Now--my book, "White-Hating Coon", don't have any of that bullshat. The hero's name is Maleequa and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet while all you European motherfockers were all hiding out in caves 'n shat, terrified of the sun. He's a strong role-model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause I'm here to tell ya: the chickens are coming home to roost, y'all. The black man is no longer going to be playing the minstrel in the medium of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We're keeping it real! And we're going to get respect by any means necessary.

Holden (Ben Affleck): Ah, c'mon, that's a bunch of horseshat! Lando Calrissian was a black guy, y'know, he got to fly the Millenium Falcon! What's the matter with you!

Hooper: Who said that?

Holden: (standing up) I did. Lando Calrissian is a positive role-model in the realm of science fiction fantasy.

Hooper: Hey, FOCK Lando Calrissian!

(Holden shrugs and sits down)

Hooper: Uncle-Tom nigga, heh. It's always some white boy got to invoke the holy trinity. Bust this! Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother-man down--even in a galaxy far far away. Check this shat. You got cracker farmboy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy blond hair blue eyes. Then you got Darth Vader, blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian god!

Banky (Jason Lee): (standing up) What's a nubian?

Hooper: Shut the fock up! (Banky sits down) Now. Vader, he's a spiritual brother, down with the force and all that good shat. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a lightsaber, and the boy decides HE'S gonna run the whole focking universe! Gets a whole KLAN of whites together and they go bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star! Now what the fock do you call that?

Banky: Intergalatic civil war?

Hooper: Gentrification!! They gonna drive out the black element to make the galaxy quote-unquote safe for white folks! In "Jedi," the most insulting installment when Vader's beautiful black visage is SULLIED when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty old white man! They trying to tell us that deep inside, we all wants to be WHITE!!!

Banky: Well, isn't that true?

(Hooper pulls out a gun, releases the safety, kicks over the podium and shoots Banky several times, and Banky falls, clutching his chest. All the other speakers and audience members (excluding Holden and Alyssa who we are about to meet) dive for cover or scatter screaming as...)

Hooper: (shooting into the air): Black rage!!! Black rage!!! I kill all white folks I lay my motherfockin' eyes on!!

(But don't worry everyone, Banky's fine, it was just blanks in the gun and a completely staged publicity stunt for Hooper's comic book title)

 

already listed by me.

[veebs4 2]

UNFORGIVEN, Final Scene (can't find an entire resource as for all the classic quotes).

['Verbal' 0]

Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

 

My favorite

 

 

Thanks!