Voicemail I woke up to

[OldMaid 1,838]

There's solid reasons why I'm nervous about going the reporting him route, out of the gate. If I talk to someone in his family first, it seems like the safer route to go.

 

As far as why I've talked to him since, it's been a mixture of caring about his well-being, enjoying talking with him, and at times to ground him. He isn't an idea to me, I've liked the person he is (sans illness). We haven't had solid contact. It's been like going a month or two not talking, some contact for a couple weeks, another month or two not talking, rinse, repeat.

I get that... but you have to know that continuing down this path, isn't healthy- for either of you. So, there's got to be an underlying reason for doing so. I'm just wondering what that is.

[naomi 350]

Avoiding the unknown of what not responding to him would net. If I don't have to find out, and enjoy the contact (when he's not doing this weird stuff), it's just the easier road. I've also been hoping he's getting his life together in the meanwhile, and that would strengthen him all around. Best case scenario... he would get healthier (not because of me, just life moving forward) on his own, and our history wouldn't be the big deal that it is when he's in whatever phases he gets in. He was supposed to be finishing up diesel tech school, but I recently found out he took a long break from it and might resume in late January.

[penultimatestraw 473]

 

The only way to do that is not respond to anything. It makes me uncomfortable to not have a pulse on to what degree his anger, etc., is at, but there isn't an alternative. I didn't know his issues are as deep as they are, but he's actually been committed before (years ago I think). At first I thought his lack of perspective (when I first started realizing it) was selfishness, but it's literally sickness. He was never a jerk to me when we were going out. He was more about trying to be the perfect boyfriend and then sometimes using it as leverage 'I can't believe you, when I...'

Codependent. You are not responsible for his wellbeing. Silence is exactly what he needs and deserves.

[wiffleball 4,679]

Wow. What did you do that deserves his hatred? Let's not play innocent here. When a guy says "I really focking hate you", it's not like the blather than comes from a woman's ovaries, he has a reason for saying that. So stop playing the victim, what exactly did you do or say to derive that? I'm always derisive of anyone who only presents one side of the story.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

Call the cops. Don't wait.

[drobeski 3,061]

Does he enjoy violent video games ? A lot ?

[Old School 360]

Seriously- if you won't notify authorities, and continue to interact with this nutjob- have you shared the VM with a friend, and let them know about your concerns? Not his mommy, an actual friend who you can confid in?

 

When you end up missing, or dead, it might help authorities to have a starting point in the case.

[BiPolarBear 476]

You know your life is in danger, right?

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

Sounds to me like the nor cal geek contingent needs to pay this guy a friendly visit, maybe fock him up a little.

 

Or since it's sux, prolly best to just hire some messicans.

[JT 137]

Codependent. You are not responsible for his wellbeing. Silence is exactly what he needs and deserves.

 

This. You keep digging deeper for justification to stay in contact with him: restraining orders can push people over the top, better to speak with his family than authorities, hoping he gets straightened out, blah blah blah. You wouldn't engage in this kind of crap unless you got something out of it.

 

You need to hope that you get straightened out and, as what is presumably an adult woman, stop having relationships that are dealt with on a junior high level. He's some guy; you're some girl. It didn't work out, possibly for many reasons, but essentially because he's goofy and you feed off weird dynamics that are doomed from the start. Just stop it. Work on having a real life with a real relationship, not somebody that is pre-destined for failure so you can alternately moon over "what could be if only" and "if only I could fix him".

[JT 137]

Sounds to me like the nor cal geek contingent needs to pay this guy a friendly visit, maybe fock him up a little.

 

 

 

Lord, no. She'd marry him then. Y'know, to help him.

[peenie 1,702]

do not call the police on this guy.

he just sounds like he made one of those drunk calls to an ex.

just ignore it.

don't call him, move on...even if you still care about him.

he'll be okay. just be firm about not getting back with him/not seeing him/not calling him so he progresses properly and doesn't get mixed messages from you.

there are other healthy adjusted men out there for you.

as women we like to fix men, help them etc., it's the nurturers in us, but it's a waste of your precious time.

[penultimatestraw 473]

Wow. What did you do that deserves his hatred? Let's not play innocent here. When a guy says "I really focking hate you", it's not like the blather than comes from a woman's ovaries, he has a reason for saying that. So stop playing the victim, what exactly did you do or say to derive that? I'm always derisive of anyone who only presents one side of the story.

She probably broke his heart, and continues to string him along by keeping in contact.

[BiPolarBear 476]

She probably broke his heart, and continues to string him along by keeping in contact.

 

You don't think this could be the same guy that "just loves to get cards" so she wanted to send him one after they broke up. You know; the guy that everybody on the bored told her to stay away from.

[IGotWorms 3,427]

 

You don't think this could be the same guy that "just loves to get cards" so she wanted to send him one after they broke up. You know; the guy that everybody on the bored told her to stay away from.

But she knew it'd mean a lot to him! And what better way to allow a person to move on then to do gestures that you know will really hit em where they hurt

[OldMaid 1,838]

You don't think this could be the same guy that "just loves to get cards" so she wanted to send him one after they broke up. You know; the guy that everybody on the bored told her to stay away from.

 

I heard the voicemail and immediately thought of ChronicHusker.

[nobody 2,102]

Calling his mom is a really terrible idea. Just magnificently terrible. What if she says you called? Now you're stuck dealing with a whole other issue he wants to hate you for. Just lose his number. It really is the simple.

[nobody 2,102]

Side note: He got more stars next to his nametag than anyone else for the holiday season. You get one if a customer goes to the trouble of commending your good service to management. His room for stars got maxed out.

That's a good sign of sociopathic behavior. He has the ability to morph into was his mark wants him to be. My guess is he thought he could make you break your vow of celibacy, and hates you because he failed.

[penultimatestraw 473]

do not call the police on this guy.

he just sounds like he made one of those drunk calls to an ex.

just ignore it.

don't call him, move on...even if you still care about him.

he'll be okay. just be firm about not getting back with him/not seeing him/not calling him so he progresses properly and doesn't get mixed messages from you.

there are other healthy adjusted men out there for you.

as women we like to fix men, help them etc., it's the nurturers in us, but it's a waste of your precious time.

This. All these scaredy-cats worried about him doing something drastic have been watching too much tv.

[Gepetto 1,003]

No wonder he hates you. You keep leading him on. Stop all contact or marry him. Pick one.

[naomi 350]

Calling his mom is a really terrible idea. Just magnificently terrible. What if she says you called? Now you're stuck dealing with a whole other issue he wants to hate you for. Just lose his number. It really is the simple.

 

When she verified his bipolar (and minimized it) she said to not let him know she discussed it with me because he would get mad. I was hoping she wouldn't mention it to him either, so that worked out.

 

He texted me a couple hours ago and I shot back in a firm and clear manner. That's the healthiest, realist way things have ever gone. That has happened before and I can't remember how things resumed again, but I just need to not simply listen later when he 'apologizes' and reminds me that I've harmed him too, because it's like telling him that's an acceptable way to look at things. I'll go with not responding if he contacts me down the line. It would make me uncomfortable blocking his number though, because of things he has said before. If he ever comes acrosss like he's completely out of it and still upset with me, I'm going to want to know that's going on with him.

[IGotWorms 3,427]

"I shot back"...why? What was the purpose?

[DankNuggs 305]

Lol, pretty funny drunk message. Guy sounds like a raging alcoholic. He sounds like NZoner looks

[naomi 350]

"I shot back"...why? What was the purpose?

 

:50-1:18 especially, and his note at the end of the video. It's the opposite of my personality.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvuTZT9vnJI

[penultimatestraw 473]

"I shot back"...why? What was the purpose?

The guy lived his entire life before meeting Naomi, yet now she must hang around in case he needs saving? And she doesn't understand how her contact could possibly hurt more than help.

 

Plus, Naomi isn't exactly great at minimizing her words.

[gocolts 300]

Not trying to sound like an ass here Naomi, but the reason he talks to you like this is because you tolerate it.

 

It is like the women that stay with dudes that cheat. Once you take someone back that has crossed that line, you are giving them permission to cross that very line. You do not really want to give them permission, but that is the message it sends, regardless of intentions or even discussions/agreements a couple might come to when one is caught. That is why so many continually cheat, there are always folks who will put up with that kind of thing.

 

You could substitute beating with cheating as well. Once a chick takes a dude back that beats her, she is saying she will tolerate the beatings.

 

Which brings me to this question. I hope you do not consider this getting too personally, considering what we are discussing here. I can tell everyone something very personal if it will help. If it is something you do not want to answer, I understand. I think it will make a significant difference in helping me(Maybe some others too) understand some of this.

 

This guy ever tell you he loved you???

 

 

 

[mobb_deep 919]

Is his name Gepetto, by any chance?

[naomi 350]

Not trying to sound like an ass here Naomi, but the reason he talks to you like this is because you tolerate it.

 

It is like the women that stay with dudes that cheat. Once you take someone back that has crossed that line, you are giving them permission to cross that very line. You do not really want to give them permission, but that is the message it sends, regardless of intentions or even discussions/agreements a couple might come to when one is caught. That is why so many continually cheat, there are always folks who will put up with that kind of thing.

 

You could substitute beating with cheating as well. Once a chick takes a dude back that beats her, she is saying she will tolerate the beatings.

 

Which brings me to this question. I hope you do not consider this getting too personally, considering what we are discussing here. I can tell everyone something very personal if it will help. If it is something you do not want to answer, I understand. I think it will make a significant difference in helping me(Maybe some others too) understand some of this.

 

This guy ever tell you he loved you???

 

 

 

 

Ha. That's sweet gocolts.

 

If you want to dish anyway, go ahead.

 

Yeah he has told me that. He did early on. I didn't believe him because we didn't know each other well enough yet. And I don't believe him now either (said he still loves me last week), especially when he has logic like this (a text from earlier today) "you don't love me, so ###### you." I wouldn't have kept dating him if I didn't think he basically cared for me though. I think he thought he loved me, but I didn't trust his judgement on what love is, if that makes sense.

 

The first time he angrily ranted at/to me was after we first broke up, and it was over the phone. In person we've always been really peaceable even if something we were dealing with was still in play. Not saying that excused the phone stuff, it doesn't, but I do agree that if I had told him to ***** off with that (with different words) and meant it, the first time, he wouldn't have done it all the numerous times in between.

[RLLD 3,539]

"You done goofed!!"

[KSB2424 3,087]

Sounds to me like the nor cal geek contingent needs to pay this guy a friendly visit, maybe fock him up a little.

 

Or since it's sux, prolly best to just hire some messicans.

 

[vuduchile 1,941]

Naomi, take a step back and look at this objectively.

 

Staying in contact with him makes you about 50% as crazy him. Calling his mommy would push your loonometer up past 97%.

 

Tell him you're done, change your number, and move on with life.

[Frank M 181]

The problem isn't with the guy, naomi, the problem is with you. You need to figure out why you choose these projects that aren't capable of giving you what you need, or guys that are unavailable because they are already spoken for. What this kind of pattern suggests to me, and don't get all upset, I'm just basing it on your description of your employment, family life, and relationships, is that either you have some kind of mental issue yourself that needs addressing, or that you have ridiculously low self-esteem that no man on earth is going to change. I get the impression that you were somewhat raised by wolves and that you are still enmeshed pretty deeply in that weird family dynamic. So here's some advice from someone much older than you who's been married nearly 20 years with two kids, who's held a job since graduating college, and maintains healthy boundaries with his family, and it's going to be harsh:

 

Get a real job, no matter what it is, and if it's not the perfect one, stick with it for at least two years before trying to find the perfect one.

 

Set up boundaries with your family. If you live with them, move the fock out and live on your own. Your perspective will change quickly. Healthy adults do not have the kind of relationship with their families that you do.

 

Get some therapy to identify either a need for further help (medication, etc) or to discover the reason why you continually choose people to be in your life that are at the least unavailable emotionally, or at the worst, dangerous.

 

Do not date anyone for at least a year. Longer is better. Spend some time trying to find out about yourself and who you are. I doin't think you like or respect yourself that much. Someone who does doesn't continually invite the wrong people into their life. And for god's sake, stop interacting with the bi-polar drunk caller and/or his family. I'm sure he's an interesting challenge, but let's be real: normal people don't consider mentally ill people as potential partners if they are not actively trying to help themselves.

 

HTH

[IGotWorms 3,427]

Tough love but Frank M gets it

[JT 137]

Naomi, read what Frank M wrote and take it to heart.

[NorthernVike 2,080]

Is she dead yet?

[jerryskids 5,393]

The problem isn't with the guy, naomi, the problem is with you. You need to figure out why you choose these projects that aren't capable of giving you what you need, or guys that are unavailable because they are already spoken for. What this kind of pattern suggests to me, and don't get all upset, I'm just basing it on your description of your employment, family life, and relationships, is that either you have some kind of mental issue yourself that needs addressing, or that you have ridiculously low self-esteem that no man on earth is going to change. I get the impression that you were somewhat raised by wolves and that you are still enmeshed pretty deeply in that weird family dynamic. So here's some advice from someone much older than you who's been married nearly 20 years with two kids, who's held a job since graduating college, and maintains healthy boundaries with his family, and it's going to be harsh:

 

Get a real job, no matter what it is, and if it's not the perfect one, stick with it for at least two years before trying to find the perfect one.

 

Set up boundaries with your family. If you live with them, move the fock out and live on your own. Your perspective will change quickly. Healthy adults do not have the kind of relationship with their families that you do.

 

Get some therapy to identify either a need for further help (medication, etc) or to discover the reason why you continually choose people to be in your life that are at the least unavailable emotionally, or at the worst, dangerous.

 

Do not date anyone for at least a year. Longer is better. Spend some time trying to find out about yourself and who you are. I doin't think you like or respect yourself that much. Someone who does doesn't continually invite the wrong people into their life. And for god's sake, stop interacting with the bi-polar drunk caller and/or his family. I'm sure he's an interesting challenge, but let's be real: normal people don't consider mentally ill people as potential partners if they are not actively trying to help themselves.

 

HTH

She should print this out and read it every day.

[DankNuggs 305]

Frank M dropping dimes

[penultimatestraw 473]

The problem isn't with the guy, naomi, the problem is with you. You need to figure out why you choose these projects that aren't capable of giving you what you need, or guys that are unavailable because they are already spoken for. What this kind of pattern suggests to me, and don't get all upset, I'm just basing it on your description of your employment, family life, and relationships, is that either you have some kind of mental issue yourself that needs addressing, or that you have ridiculously low self-esteem that no man on earth is going to change. I get the impression that you were somewhat raised by wolves and that you are still enmeshed pretty deeply in that weird family dynamic. So here's some advice from someone much older than you who's been married nearly 20 years with two kids, who's held a job since graduating college, and maintains healthy boundaries with his family, and it's going to be harsh:

 

Get a real job, no matter what it is, and if it's not the perfect one, stick with it for at least two years before trying to find the perfect one.

 

Set up boundaries with your family. If you live with them, move the fock out and live on your own. Your perspective will change quickly. Healthy adults do not have the kind of relationship with their families that you do.

 

Get some therapy to identify either a need for further help (medication, etc) or to discover the reason why you continually choose people to be in your life that are at the least unavailable emotionally, or at the worst, dangerous.

 

Do not date anyone for at least a year. Longer is better. Spend some time trying to find out about yourself and who you are. I doin't think you like or respect yourself that much. Someone who does doesn't continually invite the wrong people into their life. And for god's sake, stop interacting with the bi-polar drunk caller and/or his family. I'm sure he's an interesting challenge, but let's be real: normal people don't consider mentally ill people as potential partners if they are not actively trying to help themselves.

 

HTH

Excellent advice.

[naomi 350]

The problem isn't with the guy, naomi, the problem is with you. You need to figure out why you choose these projects that aren't capable of giving you what you need, or guys that are unavailable because they are already spoken for. What this kind of pattern suggests to me, and don't get all upset, I'm just basing it on your description of your employment, family life, and relationships, is that either you have some kind of mental issue yourself that needs addressing, or that you have ridiculously low self-esteem that no man on earth is going to change. I get the impression that you were somewhat raised by wolves and that you are still enmeshed pretty deeply in that weird family dynamic. So here's some advice from someone much older than you who's been married nearly 20 years with two kids, who's held a job since graduating college, and maintains healthy boundaries with his family, and it's going to be harsh:

 

Get a real job, no matter what it is, and if it's not the perfect one, stick with it for at least two years before trying to find the perfect one.

 

Set up boundaries with your family. If you live with them, move the fock out and live on your own. Your perspective will change quickly. Healthy adults do not have the kind of relationship with their families that you do.

 

Get some therapy to identify either a need for further help (medication, etc) or to discover the reason why you continually choose people to be in your life that are at the least unavailable emotionally, or at the worst, dangerous.

 

Do not date anyone for at least a year. Longer is better. Spend some time trying to find out about yourself and who you are. I doin't think you like or respect yourself that much. Someone who does doesn't continually invite the wrong people into their life. And for god's sake, stop interacting with the bi-polar drunk caller and/or his family. I'm sure he's an interesting challenge, but let's be real: normal people don't consider mentally ill people as potential partners if they are not actively trying to help themselves.

 

HTH

 

This isn't bad advice, but almost every part of it has been in focus to me for a little while. Real job, currently searching. Current job has been giving me more hours than I was hired for. Living situation, I'm aiming to either move out or be in a position where I could by next Fall.

 

Continually choosing people like this in my life...he's the first person I've ever dated who has legitimate mental illness, and the others weren't unavailable in some facet.

 

I definitely don't feel like I don't respect or like myself very much.

 

What is ego hitting to me is that simple stuff like get a good job, be self-reliant, date people with good character when you have your stuff together, don't hate yourself...is considered dropping dimes for me.

 

That said, I'll look to channel it into more resolve - giving honor to the fact you went to the trouble, and have the consideration, to write that out. That means something.

[naomi 350]

She should print this out and read it every day.

 

Good lord. Now I feel embarrassed.