vuduchile 1,945 Posted January 18, 2011 The secks to whacking ratio thread got me thinking about how and where I've spanked it over the years. It got me thinking about some of the ridiculous lengths I've gone to just to get a nut. I think I've jerked off at every single place I've ever worked. I've spunked at home, in the car, in bathrooms, in the garage, in the woods, on an airplane, in a treehouse, at my in-laws house, at my grandma's house, and behind a doghouse. Few places are off limits. But the sickest, most shameful time and place I've ever slapped it around was when I was returning home from a trip to Disney World with the wife and kids. Yes, we'd just spent 5 glorious days with Mickey and the gang, reinforcing our strong family values and overall wholesomeness. I don't know. Maybe all that goodness was just too much. It wasn't like I needed to get laid either. The wife and I went at it 3 or 4 times during the vacation. I can't explain it, but I suddenly found myself in the middle of nowhere, wearing sweatpants, slightly horny, and bored outta my skull. It was 2 am, and I was driving through rural Georgia. Not another car in sight. Both kids were asleep in their car seats, and the wife was asleep behind them in the third row seat. There was a chance one of them could wake up, but I had a semi and the urge to see if I could get away with this was overwhelming. I could've stopped and gone into a truck stop, but those places are gross, and jacking off at a truck stop had been crossed off my bucket list years ago. Besides, I was trying to make up for lost time, and we didn't really need any gas or corn nuts. When I reached behind me to see if I could find the box of tissues and instantly laid my paws on the brand new box, the decision was made. I whipped it out, tugged it a few times, tossed a load into a handful of tissues, threw the tissues into the Hardees bag and kept on driving. I've never felt so alive, yet so thoroughly disgusted. What's the most awesome/awful time and place you've ever pounded one out? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cbfalcon 825 Posted January 18, 2011 I CANNOT comprehend ever putting myself in a position to easily be caught doing the deed by my daughter. Rumors are that David Duchovney's daughter caught him doing that and it lead to him going to sex rehab and getting a divorce. If so, what a lame way to cause a divorce. As for my weirdest place? I've done it next to the wife while she slept. I've done it on the morning and evening commute to and fro work. But these answers seem mundane compared to in the car with the whole family. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingMN 273 Posted January 18, 2011 Focking awesome!!!!! I can't compete....I'm boring and chaste.....or maybe I've just got a bit more self-control. Looking forward to hearing from The Pope on this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mookz 1,338 Posted January 18, 2011 Focking awesome!!!!! I can't compete....I'm boring and chaste.....or maybe I've just got a bit more self-control. Looking forward to hearing from The Pope on this. I'm betting the inside of his confessional booth looks like a Jackson Pollock. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
listen2me 23 1,836 Posted January 18, 2011 I've never felt so alive, yet so thoroughly disgusted. Basically everywhere for me, but nothing really close to on the way back from Disney World with the wife and kids in the car. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
29 Guests 29 Posted January 18, 2011 I'm betting the inside of his confessional booth looks like a Jackson Pollock. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NorthernVike 2,083 Posted January 18, 2011 Back in college I'm bar-tending this wedding. It's set up in a big ballroom like they are expecting three to four hundred people. They have maybe sixty in the room and hardly any of them are drinking and the ones that are are sipping. I'm bored as h3ll and standing behind the bar, the closest table is prolly fifty feet away. So, while staring at the few decent looking wimmens in the room I start to get a chubby. Wearing loose pants I figure I can rub one out and pull up fast if need be. Every thing is going fine until out of the corner of my eye I see my boss coming in to check on me. I bend over the ice tub and literally stick my d1ck in the ice to hide myself from the boss. I tell him every thing is slow and I've got it under control. As he is leaving and I think I'm in the clear...the bride and groom are standing at the focking bar wanting Kamikazes and the shaker is behind me. If I turn around I'm busted, I get lucky and they only wnat two of them so I grab two glasses and make a makeshift shaker out of them. I dig one glass into the ice making sure to rub my cack on it in the process, make them their drinks and send them on their way. So now I'm standing there with a frozen d1ck and wet pants and no way to finish what I started. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
vuduchile 1,945 Posted January 18, 2011 Back in college I'm bar-tending this wedding. It's set up in a big ballroom like they are expecting three to four hundred people. They have maybe sixty in the room and hardly any of them are drinking and the ones that are are sipping. I'm bored as h3ll and standing behind the bar, the closest table is prolly fifty feet away. So, while staring at the few decent looking wimmens in the room I start to get a chubby. Wearing loose pants I figure I can rub one out and pull up fast if need be. Every thing is going fine until out of the corner of my eye I see my boss coming in to check on me. I bend over the ice tub and literally stick my d1ck in the ice to hide myself from the boss. I tell him every thing is slow and I've got it under control. As he is leaving and I think I'm in the clear...the bride and groom are standing at the focking bar wanting Kamikazes and the shaker is behind me. If I turn around I'm busted, I get lucky and they only wnat two of them so I grab two glasses and make a makeshift shaker out of them. I dig one glass into the ice making sure to rub my cack on it in the process, make them their drinks and send them on their way. So now I'm standing there with a frozen d1ck and wet pants and no way to finish what I started. Wow. All that effort but no happy ending? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patriotsfatboy1 1,432 Posted January 18, 2011 There was this time that I was at work, had to be about 20 years ago. This was before the WWW, but we had those alt. newsgroups that you could get pics and stories on. I was working one weekend in the computer room (we had them back then) and was enjoying the quiet time with no one around. I had my guy out and was taking care of business. I didn't notice but one of my co-workers had come in to work as well. She asked if she could help me with that. She was real cute and I tried to cover it up. She said that I could finish and that she did not want to disturb me. She walked towards me and grabbed it and started working it like she had a lot of experience. I was , but really . After a BJ, we did it in various spots around the computer room. The disk drives back then were about the size of those small refrigerators and they vibrated a lot. That was by far the best experience I have ever had. alsonotreallythisisfromPenthouseforum Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingMN 273 Posted January 18, 2011 I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NorthernVike 2,083 Posted January 18, 2011 alsonotreallythisisfromPenthouseforum Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Franknbeans 46 Posted January 18, 2011 I whacked it when I was stuck driving home in a snow storm for 4 1/2 hours a couple of years back Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NorthernVike 2,083 Posted January 18, 2011 Some of you dumbfucks have had to been caught before. I've been close but never caught red handed. Let's hear it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingMN 273 Posted January 18, 2011 Some of you dumbfucks have had to been caught before. I've been close but never caught red handed. Let's hear it. Close....by my wife a couple of times and my old roomie. But never red and sticky handed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bad Santa 24 Posted January 18, 2011 Up on the rooftop reindeer pause Out jumps a horney Santa Clause Down thru the chimney with pemus in hand Masterbating as hard as I can Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! First I come in the stocking Of little Nell Oh, dear Santa Fill it well Give her a nasty Big surprise One that will spurt in her eyes Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! Next comes the stocking Of little Will Oh, just see what A glorious fill Here is my hammer And ball sack My butt is itching so stocking I whipe my crack Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mookz 1,338 Posted January 18, 2011 Up on the rooftop reindeer pause Out jumps a horney Santa Clause Down thru the chimney with pemus in hand Masterbating as hard as I can Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! First I come in the stocking Of little Nell Oh, dear Santa Fill it well Give her a nasty Big surprise One that will spurt in her eyes Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! Next comes the stocking Of little Will Oh, just see what A glorious fill Here is my hammer And ball sack My butt is itching so stocking I whipe my crack Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Ho, ho, ho! I'm about to blow! Up on the rooftop Click, click, click Humping the chimney with my Pr!ck! Just wow. and then some. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Pope 10 Posted January 18, 2011 When I was in college, I worked my way through school by delivering pizzas. One time this guy tried to pay with a check. When I told him we don't accept checks he started ranting and raving about how he was a big shot at the local paper. Naturally, I left with no tip. Then a few weeks later I saw I was delivering a pizza to the same address. I pulled into a park and gave his pizza a nice glazing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
vuduchile 1,945 Posted January 18, 2011 When I was in college, I worked my way through school by delivering pizzas. One time this guy tried to pay with a check. When I told him we don't accept checks he started ranting and raving about how he was a big shot at the local paper. Naturally, I left with no tip. Then a few weeks later I saw I was delivering a pizza to the same address. I pulled into a park and gave his pizza a nice glazing. Messing around with Altar Boys is one thing. But, I can't condone messing around with something as sacred as pizza. Give yourself 3 Hail Marys and 18 Our Fathers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Pope 10 Posted January 18, 2011 Messing around with Altar Boys is one thing. But, I can't condone messing around with something as sacred as pizza. Give yourself 3 Hail Marys and 18 Our Fathers. If I change Pizza for Altar Boys can I get off. OH YES I CAN!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BunnysBastatrds 2,336 Posted January 18, 2011 I was dating this girl (36C) in college and we had been together for a few months. We had the ses all the fawking time. Before we went out, when we got home, in the morning, at lunch, blah blah blah. So we go out one night and didn't have time before we left for the ses, so she tells me after being at the bar for an hour it's time to go to the car. We get in the car and I'm pulling down my Z-Cavaricis and shes pulling her panties off and I ask her out of the blue if she will show me how she takes care of herself. She was a little stunned as I hadn't asked her to do that. I told her I had never seen a woman do that before so she reved up the engine and before I knew it, the helicopter was going full speed. As I was admiring and learning a few new moves, she said she had never seen a guy get off solo and we should do this together. I'm going to town, she's going to town, and in a few seconds we both go off. As we sat there laughing and cleaning up, we get a knock on the window. It was a copper. Copper: Roll down the window sir. (Old fawker had a huge smile on his face) Me: Hello officer how are you doing this fine evening. Copper: Is this your car? Me: Yes sir. Is there a problem? Copper: Please step out of the vehicle and keep your hands where I can see them sir. (I hadn't pulled my pants completely up but my junk was in my underwear and if I moved just right, he might not notice) Usually catch you kids out here fawking but this is the first time I've got the dynamic duo playing with themselves. if you wear a rubber you won't get AIDS dumbshit. Those pants look kind of ghey so I don't know what I've got here. Pull em up. Me: We ran out of them sir. I was just trying to be creative. Copper: (Shakes his head in disgust) I'm gonna let you off on a warning. Rubbers cost fifty cents in the bathroom. She's been doing that for years. Step it up son! (Walks off laughing) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JackARoot 2 Posted January 19, 2011 I just rubbed one out to a picture of Edjr Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nikki2200 4 Posted January 21, 2011 I just read this thread. I think NortherVike's peemus in the ice bucket wins. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SUXBNME 1,461 Posted January 21, 2011 One time I jacked off all over my sister when she was sleeping Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
listen2me 23 1,836 Posted January 21, 2011 One time I jacked off all over my sister when she was sleeping did she have any funny looking kids? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shotsup 832 Posted January 21, 2011 Doesnt beat junk on ice or wild ride home from Disney ...... Woke up with some nice wood and looked forward to beating that thing in the shower - get into bathroom and look in the mirror SH1T I need to shave...... So I shave with one hand and try to keep the boat afloat with the other. It was a funny mess - shaving cream on my balls .... never got to bust that nut. Not easy to stare at yourself in the mirror and mantain a hardon - unless your name is newbie and or sux. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MedStudent 56 Posted January 21, 2011 This happened to a guy I used to know when i was younger. He was a friend of my brothers and I never liked the guy, he was a few years older than me. Anyways, my brother heard a story about him from another friend who still keeps in touch. This guy installed cable TV. Not sure if these people were having the cable installed or were getting it repaired. But he knocked on the door and the 17 year old daughter answered the door and she was the only one home. she led him down to the basement to work on the TV and left him alone. Apparently the chick was totally hot so he decided to rub one out in the basement. The girl came back and caught him in the act. He was like: "Oh, I'm sorry don't tell anyone. I have a wife and a daughter and I'll lose my job." The girl said ok. But she ended up telling her parents who called his company and all hell broke loose. Somehow his wife got involved and he apologized to everyone and he had always been a good employee. so he was able to keep his job. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NorthernVike 2,083 Posted January 21, 2011 This happened to a guy I used to know when i was younger. He was a friend of my brothers and I never liked the guy, he was a few years older than me. Anyways, my brother heard a story about him from another friend who still keeps in touch. This guy installed cable TV. Not sure if these people were having the cable installed or were getting it repaired. But he knocked on the door and the 17 year old daughter answered the door and she was the only one home. she led him down to the basement to work on the TV and left him alone. Apparently the chick was totally hot so he decided to rub one out in the basement. The girl came back and caught him in the act. He was like: "Oh, I'm sorry don't tell anyone. I have a wife and a daughter and I'll lose my job." The girl said ok. But she ended up telling her parents who called his company and all hell broke loose. Somehow his wife got involved and he apologized to everyone and he had always been a good employee. so he was able to keep his job. This story could have been so much focking better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
parrot 789 Posted January 21, 2011 The secks to whacking ratio thread got me thinking about how and where I've spanked it over the years. It got me thinking about some of the ridiculous lengths I've gone to just to get a nut. I think I've jerked off at every single place I've ever worked. I've spunked at home, in the car, in bathrooms, in the garage, in the woods, on an airplane, in a treehouse, at my in-laws house, at my grandma's house, and behind a doghouse. Few places are off limits. But the sickest, most shameful time and place I've ever slapped it around was when I was returning home from a trip to Disney World with the wife and kids. Yes, we'd just spent 5 glorious days with Mickey and the gang, reinforcing our strong family values and overall wholesomeness. I don't know. Maybe all that goodness was just too much. It wasn't like I needed to get laid either. The wife and I went at it 3 or 4 times during the vacation. I can't explain it, but I suddenly found myself in the middle of nowhere, wearing sweatpants, slightly horny, and bored outta my skull. It was 2 am, and I was driving through rural Georgia. Not another car in sight. Both kids were asleep in their car seats, and the wife was asleep behind them in the third row seat. There was a chance one of them could wake up, but I had a semi and the urge to see if I could get away with this was overwhelming. I could've stopped and gone into a truck stop, but those places are gross, and jacking off at a truck stop had been crossed off my bucket list years ago. Besides, I was trying to make up for lost time, and we didn't really need any gas or corn nuts. When I reached behind me to see if I could find the box of tissues and instantly laid my paws on the brand new box, the decision was made. I whipped it out, tugged it a few times, tossed a load into a handful of tissues, threw the tissues into the Hardees bag and kept on driving. I've never felt so alive, yet so thoroughly disgusted. What's the most awesome/awful time and place you've ever pounded one out? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Meglamaniac 397 Posted January 21, 2011 Shortly after I got divorced I moved in with a Frat brother and his girlfriend. After a few months thier relationship kind of went south and she didn't come over much. I was on the sofa one afternoon and the mood hit so I strated tugging away. To my horror in walks the old girl friend to return some of my buddy's stuff, I'm busted mid stroke, she just looks and laughs and says, "don't worry I've seen on of those before" and goes on about her business. Needless to say the mod was shot for me even after she leaves. About 20 minutes later the phone rings and its the ex on the phone, she says that she felt bad for interupting and she wanted to help. Now we all know that a buddys ex is offlimits, especially when they just broke it off, she gets that and says she can help over the phone and proceeds to walk me through a nice duel little masturbation session over the phone. First and only time I ever had phone sex and I must say it was very nice. Never saw or heard from her again Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Headslap75 0 Posted January 21, 2011 This story could have been so much focking better. My thoughts exactly Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BunnysBastatrds 2,336 Posted January 22, 2011 Shortly after I got divorced I moved in with a Frat brother and his girlfriend. After a few months thier relationship kind of went south and she didn't come over much. I was on the sofa one afternoon and the mood hit so I strated tugging away. To my horror in walks the old girl friend to return some of my buddy's stuff, I'm busted mid stroke, she just looks and laughs and says, "don't worry I've seen on of those before" and goes on about her business. Needless to say the mod was shot for me even after she leaves. About 20 minutes later the phone rings and its the ex on the phone, she says that she felt bad for interupting and she wanted to help. Now we all know that a buddys ex is offlimits, especially when they just broke it off, she gets that and says she can help over the phone and proceeds to walk me through a nice duel little masturbation session over the phone. First and only time I ever had phone sex and I must say it was very nice. Never saw or heard from her again Hope you got a three piece with a side of mash potatoes and a biscuit with that sh!t! . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BunnysBastatrds 2,336 Posted January 22, 2011 This happened to a guy I used to know when i was younger. He was a friend of my brothers and I never liked the guy, he was a few years older than me. Anyways, my brother heard a story about him from another friend who still keeps in touch. This guy installed cable TV. Not sure if these people were having the cable installed or were getting it repaired. But he knocked on the door and the 17 year old daughter answered the door and she was the only one home. she led him down to the basement to work on the TV and left him alone. Apparently the chick was totally hot so he decided to rub one out in the basement. The girl came back and caught him in the act. He was like: "Oh, I'm sorry don't tell anyone. I have a wife and a daughter and I'll lose my job." The girl said ok. But she ended up telling her parents who called his company and all hell broke loose. Somehow his wife got involved and he apologized to everyone and he had always been a good employee. so he was able to keep his job. My car battery has better siffers than that. And I'm not Irish. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BiPolarBear 483 Posted January 27, 2016 A marine from Camp Pendleton told me that he was part of an effort to catch a thief on base who was stealing money out of a coke machine at night. They set up a sting with the lights out. After a while, they heard some movement and rushed the area. It was some poor pfc who was just trying to rub one out behind the machine. They had to write it up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tanatastic 2,062 Posted January 27, 2016 I have told the story before but whatevs. At a car dealership I worked at I was in the bathroom whacking as usual. A guy comes into the stall next to me with his little girl, maybe 4, 5yrs old. So im there trying to finish and this little girl is going tinkle and singing while im next door trying to concentrate. I was going to stop and wait for them to leave but said screw it and silently roped in a calf anyway. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DankNuggs 305 Posted January 27, 2016 Went out drinking with some buddies, roommate had to work next day early. We come back and he's passed out naked on the couch with a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Jergen. He is way out of it and staggers to his room with the tv remote thinking he's concealing the jergens bottle. Hilarity ensues Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nobody 2,615 Posted January 27, 2016 I tried to whack it in the car on the ride home, and ended up killing myself in when I wrecked the car. Didn't finish. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KSB2424 3,148 Posted January 27, 2016 You people are animals. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
joeshushu 51 Posted January 27, 2016 At a pool in a motel while on vacation with my parents. I must have been in my teens so was lying on my stomach facing the pool, and there were these two European women frolicking in the pool. Sounded like German accents so these girls were picking each other up and tickling each other under the water. I couldn't help myself but grind into the cement while pretending to tan. Nice 38Ds splashing in the water. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
parrot 789 Posted January 27, 2016 Rubbed one out in the shower after nasal surgery and made my nose start bleeding after several days of no bleeding. Wife asks "WTF?" "Must be the humidity in there." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
