Either asking a guy out

[naomi 360]

Literal pie. Thought I would bounce this off you guys...

 

Situation: He's a coworker who's often my immediate boss on shift. We've been working together (super part time job for me) for a little over two years. At times I've slightly liked him but not in a serious way. It comes in phases. When not in that phase he has felt like a brother. Last Christmas he got my white elephant gift of movie tickets and chocolate, and vowed, while buzzed and teary-eyed, to take me to Mission Impossible 4. We didn't go, and I wasn't really banking on it either. He can be flighty and we both weren't driving at the time.

 

A couple months ago he was hospitalized with pancreatitis and a doctor told him that another drinking binge could kill him. He's 28. He hasn't been drinking since (to my knowledge) and I'm realizing that I'm definitely attracted to him when he's steadily in a sober state. A month or so ago we bonded as coworkers more because I opened up to him about dynamics at work that were lame, and mentioned how things go smooth when he's managing (wasn't flattery). I think that wound up meaning a lot to him though.

 

He's insanely extroverted and I used to chalk all of his flirting up to that. He's playful with the whole staff. He flirts in front of an audience, and that's mostly the point of it. Lately he's done some sweet stuff more one on one. I've been getting the impression around the last two weeks that he's been thinking about me differently, and I've definitely been thinking about him.

 

His dad passed away early this year, and between that and not drinking/drinking less, I think he's wising up some. He's been in trouble with the law for a couple different reasons. The last time was last year (not due to hurting anyone). My take is that he's been a dumb ass because of his alcoholism, but he doesn't have malice in him.

 

My prob: I'm hard to read. I'm not at all a socially touchy feely type (probably because my family, though close, isn't like that. Don't do hugs).

 

We worked opposite shifts the other day and when he came in for his, he gave me a hug from the side (one arm across my front, one arm across my back, wasn't expecting it) and squeezed pretty hard and held it for a little while. Pretty sure it wasn't to feel me up, didn't seem like that. It was comical and sweet at the same. I was friendly but was also really dazed and probably stiff during it despite him being a friend.

 

Things at my house were really stressful and busy today. While I was hungry to the point of feeling edgy and making some food, he called from work to see if I could work. I haven't worked on a Wed for more than a year. I had been thinking about him when he called, which made me be kind of cold on the phone out of self-consciousness. I had to figure things out and get back to him. When I did he sounded kind of cold. He was also really busy though.

 

My prob #2: Ideally I prefer the guy breaching things. But I realize being hard to read complicates things. In the past I've taken the first step because of that. It's been 5 years since I've actually liked a 'new' guy though. Also I guess him not having solid enough of feelings for me is a possibility. That would suck.

 

Last issue is screwing up our work chemistry. I need to get another job, but want to keep this one indefinitely, unless it became interpersonally uncomfortable. When I really like someone I have to be transparent and straightforward because I wind up acting funny holding it back. I've felt funny around him lately. Being weird to him today makes me want to text him and just let him know how I feel, in a way that shouldn't be that weird for him/us in the event he doesn't solidly feel the same. It's clear he definitely has some level of non-platonic feelings.

 

Otherwise I'll just save him back a piece of the blackberry pie I'm making for tomorrow, for a couple days from now when we work again. It's the safe way to go.

 

 

eta: holy crap, this was longer than I realized.

[wiffleball 4,797]

Huh, so what you're saying is, you're emotionally constipated,completely all over the board in terms of any adult feelings, have the communication skills of Hellen Keller and have the relationship skills of a lone Komodo Dragon on a remote archipelago of the Easter Islands.

 

Excellent.

 

 

Yeah, good luck with that.

[naomi 360]

My communication skills in these situations are fine, if I choose to communicate what I'm feeling. But physically yeah, I'm kind of Lillith from Cheers unless we've gotten to know each other way better, but I get compliments from guys on my smile. It's more of response to social touches thing than a facial expression thing. He definitely has no problem there.

[IGotWorms 4,063]

We worked opposite shifts the other day and when he came in for his, he gave me a hug from the side (one arm across my front, one arm across my back, wasn't expecting it) and squeezed pretty hard and held it for a little while.

 

:boner:

[IGotWorms 4,063]

Also: sh!t or get off the pot. Jesus, nothing's even happened between you two yet and already you've built it up into something massive in your head.

[naomi 360]

The point of posting was to be persuaded to just let him know how I feel, or do something sweet...just because, and he can take the hint. The rest is context to inform the momentous decision.

 

I was going to shoot him a text tonight.

 

The uneasy part of it for me is potentially making work weird.

[Strike 6,016]

Naomi,

 

I'm always amazed at how much you over think things, especially when it comes to relationships. The first thing you have to be REALLY careful about is that you work with him. Not so much that you work with him, but that he's your supervisor regularly. It's not a good idea for subordinates to be involved with their supervisors. What kind of job is this anyways? No offense but it sounds like fast food. It does sound like you don't care that much about the job so maybe you're willing to risk the repercussions that can come from that type of relationship but do you need these people as a reference for a new job?

Anyways, other than that if you're really interested just let him know. But make sure you are because the risk is the loss of a friend as well as the awkwardness that can come from a situation like that.

 

But please, for god's sake, quit over thinking it.

[naomi 360]

Naomi,

 

I'm always amazed at how much you over think things, especially when it comes to relationships. The first thing you have to be REALLY careful about is that you work with him. Not so much that you work with him, but that he's your supervisor regularly. It's not a good idea for subordinates to be involved with their supervisors. What kind of job is this anyways? No offense but it sounds like fast food. It does sound like you don't care that much about the job so maybe you're willing to risk the repercussions that can come from that type of relationship but do you need these people as a reference for a new job?

Anyways, other than that if you're really interested just let him know. But make sure you are because the risk is the loss of a friend as well as the awkwardness that can come from a situation like that.

 

But please, for god's sake, quit over thinking it.

 

I think it's because I like him a lot, and it's rare for me to be attracted to someone (though I generally like people). And we're incredibly different people, except for sharing some of the same taste.

 

It's an entertainment centered business, family friendly by day, younger crowd by night.

 

A relationship between people with our respective roles has happened before, and it was completely fine rules wise. One of them quit after they broke up.

 

He wouldn't be a reference for me, the owner is. He's one of the owner's best friends. I know the owner from church. We're all basically young people.

[Mungwater 601]

Wasn't this from a saved by the bell episode when Kelly worked at the max?

[shotsup 835]

Wasn't this from a saved by the bell episode when Kelly worked at the max?

 

phag for knowing that

[shotsup 835]

He's been in trouble with the law for a couple different reasons. The last time was last year (not due to hurting anyone). My take is that he's been a dumb ass because of his alcoholism, but he doesn't have malice in him.

 

Been there done that.

 

Sorry Naomi but I think it would awkward if we dated.

 

Way too many words.

 

Just ask him out.

 

and finally I like Pie.

[jerryskids 7,082]

It seems like you are often attracted to guys who are somewhat troubled and (perhaps optional) in some state of pulling themselves out of it. Perhaps you empathize with the trouble, and see strength of character in the recovery? I would tell you to move on and find someone without the baggage, but that would be Groundhog Day, so I guess I should stop advising against it. So...

 

Did you send the text? How'd it go?

[wiffleball 4,797]

 

eta: holy crap, this was longer than I realized.

 

I get that a lot.

[Frozenbeernuts 2,331]

He does sound like he has more baggage than you would typically want in a mate. If the run ins with the law arr nothing serious it doesnt sound like a problem, though you shohldnt really be having multiple run ins after your early twenties.

 

Pick one, job or dude? Which ever one you care more about sbould be the direction you head.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,433]

What do you have to lose? Tell him how you feel. Maybe you will get your self a piece.

[Frozenbeernuts 2,331]

What do you have to lose? Tell him how you feel. Maybe you will get your self a piece.

If you act now you may get your turkey stuffed for thanksgiving.

[TimmySmith 2,783]

You sound lonely, and it is obvious you have certain defense mechanisms in place. Dating a work superior with a history of hard drinking and who knows what else is not a great idea.

[remote controller 143]

Ask him out to something like a walk through an art gallery, then a few drinks at a Resturant bar so you can sit and talk and not be herded through for a table. Nothing stressful, just a chance to learn about each other and talk.

 

.....oops...switch to coffee at a coffee joint!

[Old School 360]

When a guy feels comfortable enough to give a woman a hug- he senses when she stiffens up and doesn't take it well.

And when he finds an excuse to call her, even if it's about work- and she is cold and short on the phone.....

 

Well, you've basically told him to back off, without saying a word.

Now if you want to change that impression, you need to do something.

 

Invite him out to a _____ whatever, coffee, show, movie, dinner.

 

And if it goes well, you can invite him back to the house for a piece of pie.

[tikigods 76]

eta: holy crap, this was longer than I realized.

 

I get this a lot, too. I'm a grow-er, not a show-er.

[naomi 360]

It seems like you are often attracted to guys who are somewhat troubled and (perhaps optional) in some state of pulling themselves out of it. Perhaps you empathize with the trouble, and see strength of character in the recovery? I would tell you to move on and find someone without the baggage, but that would be Groundhog Day, so I guess I should stop advising against it. So...

 

Did you send the text? How'd it go?

 

Didn't send it. Decided it's better to play it safe and compensate for sending negative signals with food. And hopefully I'll have another job soon and will be more comfortable with the potential of complicating that one.

 

Attraction wise, aye. I've gotten to the point that someone who doesn't seem basically mentally healthy and reliable character wise is not at all appealing. You're right on the empathizing. Nothing bad personally happened to me but I didn't grow up in a happy-go-lucky environment, so guys who have only known a comfortable lifestyle are hard to relate to.

[naomi 360]

He does sound like he has more baggage than you would typically want in a mate. If the run ins with the law arr nothing serious it doesnt sound like a problem, though you shohldnt really be having multiple run ins after your early twenties.

 

Pick one, job or dude? Which ever one you care more about sbould be the direction you head.

 

One was a DUI and then a failure to appear regarding it. Last year it was something with his now ex-gf. He wound up having her move out. She was also a drinker and would get mad a lot and destroy his stuff. I don't know the details but during one of their fights I think someone called them in, and he was put in jail for his behavior with the cops. The vibe I got from her when our paths crossed is that she was trouble, but I try to not 100% assume he didn't act in some despicable way on top of getting on the cops' bad side.

[DankNuggs 305]

You sound like a wack job. Are you Asian? Tell him you possess 'the third muscle' and ask if he's ever sampled it.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

What do you have to lose? Tell him how you feel. Maybe you will get your self a piece.

 

Her virginity?

 

Seriously Naomi, to answer, if you are interested, just ask him out. He will probably find it flattering. Of course, he may know the seeks is not on the menu, and that may be a problem, but what why not give it a shot?

 

My number one piece of advice to people younger than me is, that as you age, its the shots you don't take that you regret, not the ones that fail.

[nospk 230]

pie.

[cbfalcon 827]

I actually give you credit for realizing he sent some signals and that your coldness justifiably ended things unless you decide to become the initiator.

 

Most chicks are so focking stupid that they would simply expect a guy they don't like to get the message and leave them alone, but they would expect a guy they do like to ignore your ice queen actions and keep trying.

 

It's a cliche because its true. But we regret the things we don't do much more than the things we try and fail at. You like him. Nut up and make a move. But you've in essence already shot him down, so any move you make will need to be aggressive and obvious. Normally I'd suggest pulling him into an empty room and giving him a blow job, but in this case.......no, actually that's still what I would suggest. Give him a blow job, then see if that leads anywhere.

[gocolts 300]

You sound lonely, and it is obvious you have certain defense mechanisms in place. Dating a work superior with a history of hard drinking and who knows what else is not a great idea.

I am a little surprised by this. One thing I do know, if she gets involved with this guy she can not complain later that he drinks too much because she is going into this knowing that.

[titans&bucs&bearsohmy! 2,745]

I actually give you credit for realizing he sent some signals and that your coldness justifiably ended things unless you decide to become the initiator.

 

Most chicks are so focking stupid that they would simply expect a guy they don't like to get the message and leave them alone, but they would expect a guy they do like to ignore your ice queen actions and keep trying.

 

It's a cliche because its true. But we regret the things we don't do much more than the things we try and fail at. You like him. Nut up and make a move. But you've in essence already shot him down, so any move you make will need to be aggressive and obvious. Normally I'd suggest pulling him into an empty room and giving him a blow job, but in this case.......no, actually that's still what I would suggest. Give him a blow job, then see if that leads anywhere.

 

Always solid advice for dealing with a guy Naomi...when things are heading south, put it in your mouth.

[MDC 7,881]

Wake him up with a blow job.

[swirvenirvin 25]

WTF, I thought this thread was about andre ethier asking a guy out.

 

DUMB

[The Moz 71]

Your "coldness: you showed this was most likely your sense of reason helping you in spite of yourself. Make him a pie and count yourself as dodging a bullet as you said he A. Got himself in trouble with the law B. has health issues C. at least was a heavy drinker (likely doing something else now if he can't drink) and D. is your boss.

 

Or just quit your job and blow him then revel in your own stupidity.

[IGotWorms 4,063]

One was a DUI and then a failure to appear regarding it. Last year it was something with his now ex-gf. He wound up having her move out. She was also a drinker and would get mad a lot and destroy his stuff. I don't know the details but during one of their fights I think someone called them in, and he was put in jail for his behavior with the cops. The vibe I got from her when our paths crossed is that she was trouble, but I try to not 100% assume he didn't act in some despicable way on top of getting on the cops' bad side.

 

The guy has a DV rap on his record and you're thinking about getting involved with him? That's just dumb. You can find a much better guy than that, even if you're determined to find a reclamation project.

[Chronic Husker 86]

Good Lord. What a bunch of crap.

 

naomi is leaving a major part out. Know all the Bible dogma naomi posts that you collective assclowns can't ever understand? naomi will never be with anyone that doesn't believe the exact same as her. That is first and foremost.

 

That idealism really narrows down the field. Obviously, there's no way this dude fits that mold. So, I don't know if this is a look at me thread or what. I mean, what the fock is the point of spending five seconds on someone that doesn't fit an ideal that she won't hedge on? Get somebody interested and then drop it on them, "Hey, you believe all the same exact stuff I believe, right? Oh, you don't? Sorry bout that."

 

 

She needs to have enough respect for guys not to even waste their time.

 

Beyond that, she needs to get her shiot together before she puts any focus on guys to begin with. I'll leave it at that.

 

After she gets her shiot together, she needs to either find a guy at church or open an account at christianmingle and start from there.

 

Because as it is, she has the same chance of developing a rewarding relationship with this dude as she does of waking SUX up with a blow job Christmas morning.

[montana 89]

Start wearing knee pads to work....he'll understand.

[Blitzen 1]

Your "coldness: you showed this was most likely your sense of reason helping you in spite of yourself. Make him a pie and count yourself as dodging a bullet as you said he A. Got himself in trouble with the law B. has health issues C. at least was a heavy drinker (likely doing something else now if he can't drink) and D. is your boss.

 

Or just quit your job and blow him then revel in your own stupidity.

 

Come on...what could possibly go wrong?

[NorthernVike 2,095]

It sounds like you should start out slow. Maybe a ghey guy. Have you considered dating SUX?

[jerryskids 7,082]

Good Lord. What a bunch of crap.

 

naomi is leaving a major part out. Know all the Bible dogma naomi posts that you collective assclowns can't ever understand? naomi will never be with anyone that doesn't believe the exact same as her. That is first and foremost.

 

That idealism really narrows down the field. Obviously, there's no way this dude fits that mold. So, I don't know if this is a look at me thread or what. I mean, what the fock is the point of spending five seconds on someone that doesn't fit an ideal that she won't hedge on? Get somebody interested and then drop it on them, "Hey, you believe all the same exact stuff I believe, right? Oh, you don't? Sorry bout that."

 

 

She needs to have enough respect for guys not to even waste their time.

 

Beyond that, she needs to get her shiot together before she puts any focus on guys to begin with. I'll leave it at that.

 

After she gets her shiot together, she needs to either find a guy at church or open an account at christianmingle and start from there.

 

Because as it is, she has the same chance of developing a rewarding relationship with this dude as she does of waking SUX up with a blow job Christmas morning.

I was wondering about the whole fundamentalist angle. Maybe she works at a bible-based theme park?

[Chronic Husker 86]

I was wondering about the whole fundamentalist angle. Maybe she works at a bible-based theme park?

No.

[jerryskids 7,082]

No.

Chuck-E-Jeez?

[MDC 7,881]

Honestly, if this insanely extroverted alcoholic has been sending subtle clues for a year I suspect he's either not interested or flirts with everyone to get an ego boost out of mind tripping chicks like you, or he strings a bunch of women along to see what he can get from any / all of them. Nothing you said sounds like this is the early stages of a healthy satisfying relationship. And you sound awfully desperate letting this years long flirtation develop into something more, in your head only.