We need a new Joke thread!!

[Cloaca du jour 2,066]

Everything is depressing lately.

 

[fandandy 3,311]

That's not very funny.

[Mike Isles 583]

We found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra. Nobody is taking it harder then my grandma. 

[RaiderHaters Revenge 3,605]

been doing a lot of work on Bumble and Tinder lately

Last 3 women I was with all told me I have the biggest D1ck in the country

unfortunately I just got back from Japan

 

[RaiderHaters Revenge 3,605]

Recently discovered there are two types of women in this world

Those who suck d1ck and

Those who WANT to suck d1ck

apparently my ex wife was the first when she was with me, but the latter when the pool boy was around

but I guess I should have known something was going on, we didnt even have a pool

 

[TK0001 97]

Did you guys hear the one about the kids burning alive in a school bus?

[Mrs. Voltaire 46]

A woman goes to see her doctor.

"Well Mrs. Johnson what seems to be the problem?"

"Doctor, it's kind of embarrassing, but I seem to have a horrible case of flatulence. It happens very frequently and sometimes I can't even tell it did."

"I will be right back Mrs. Johnson, stay right where you are."

Five minutes later the doctor walks back into his office holding an eight foot pole with a hook on its end.

"Oh my goodness, what are you going to do with that?".

"I'm gonna open the window, it stinks in here."

[TK0001 97]

A blind man walks into a bar. He can't see, so he just walked right into it. The bartender says "holy sh!t man, are you alright?" The blind man says no I think I broke a couple ribs.

[fandandy 3,311]

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit went to a blood bank to donate some blood. The nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type was.

The rabbit, unable to understand human speech, promptly shat on the floor and hopped away.

[Mrs. Voltaire 46]

A priest, a jew and a spaniard are in a boat.  The Priest says, "One time during confession, some dude told me he light someone's house on fire after a poker game".  The Jew says, "wow, well I'm guessing they were slow playing their hands".  And then the Spaniard points into the water and says "Whale Sh!t"

[Djgb13 2,338]

There was this blind man that was feeling his way down the street with his stick. He walked past this fish market, stopped, and took a deep breath then said *snif* “wooooo...good morning ladies” 

[MDC 5,902]

10 minutes ago, TK0001 said:

A blind man walks into a bar. He can't see, so he just walked right into it. The bartender says "holy sh!t man, are you alright?" The blind man says no I think I broke a couple ribs.

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because he couldn’t see that well.  

[Hardcore troubadour 12,708]

14 minutes ago, TK0001 said:

A blind man walks into a bar. He can't see, so he just walked right into it. The bartender says "holy sh!t man, are you alright?" The blind man says no I think I broke a couple ribs.

What’s a couple rib? 

[TK0001 97]

1 minute ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

What’s a couple rib? 

Buck fitty.

[posty 2,296]

21 minutes ago, TK0001 said:

Buck fitty.

Those are some pretty cheap ribs...

[Cloaca du jour 2,066]

What is George Floyds favorite color

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neon

[edjr 5,586]

I happy the Dems control everything

[Strike 3,998]

Ees a Ham Bush

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry I only remember the punchline

[edjr 5,586]

2 minutes ago, Strike said:

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."



[bostonlager 2,467]

17 minutes ago, Cloaca du jour said:

What is George Floyds favorite color

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neon

No need to make fun of George Floyd. He is celebrating 10 months of sobriety tomorrow. 

[jerryskids 5,215]

56 minutes ago, fandandy said:

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit went to a blood bank to donate some blood. The nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type was.

The rabbit, unable to understand human speech, promptly shat on the floor and hopped away.

I was totally going to type the real version of this, I just heard it for the first time a few days ago.    

[Old School 360]

Yer Mom

[Old School 360]

I was going to tell a carpentry joke.

I wasn’t sure it woodwork.

[fandandy 3,311]

3 minutes ago, jerryskids said:

I was totally going to type the real version of this, I just heard it for the first time a few days ago.    

What's the real version of it?  I just found it online.  I LOL'd.

[Hardcore troubadour 12,708]

6 minutes ago, bostonlager said:

No need to make fun of George Floyd. He is celebrating 10 months of sobriety tomorrow. 

Ha! It’s funny, because he was a dope fiend! 

[jerryskids 5,215]

1 minute ago, fandandy said:

What's the real version of it?  I just found it online.  I LOL'd.

Something like... a priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.  The rabbit says, “I’m type-O”

Total dad joke.   

[TBayXXXVII 2,130]

Date rape drug?  It's all bullsh!t.  Anyone who claims they were drugged and got raped is lying.  I have proof.  I've taken it tons of times and never got laid once!

[Cloaca du jour 2,066]

I asked my dad for the wifi password

He says

HueyDeweyLouieMinnieMickeyPlutoDonaldDopeyColumbus

I was like wtf is that???

He said when he set it up it was supposed to be 8 characters and a capital.

[fandandy 3,311]

9 minutes ago, jerryskids said:

Something like... a priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.  The rabbit says, “I’m type-O”

Total dad joke.   

  That's what I was thinking when I read it, then the punchline.  Funny stuff.

[TK0001 97]

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod up and down forever." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I focked up."

[jerryskids 5,215]

12 minutes ago, TK0001 said:

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod up and down forever." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I up."

That had a lot of potential until you forgot that this place has a language filter.   

[TK0001 97]

6 minutes ago, jerryskids said:

That had a lot of potential until you forgot that this place has a language filter.   

Fixed. 

[Mrs. Voltaire 46]

Awesome joke TK :yes:

[NorthernVike 2,080]

44 minutes ago, Strike said:

Ees a Ham Bush

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry I only remember the punchline

[Strike 3,998]

55 minutes ago, jerryskids said:

Something like... a priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.  The rabbit says, “I’m type-O”

Total dad joke.   

You know where the best place is to keep all your dad jokes?

 

In a  Dad-A-Base

 

[posty 2,296]

A man woke up from a drunken stupor in a dark alley to find a man standing over him.

“Who are you?”, the drunk asked. “I am a genie, and I will grant 3 wishes to you, and you only have to grant one wish to me that won’t require any magic”. The guy agreed.

“First, I want a million dollars, no make that TWO million dollars”.
Okay, granted. When you go to the bank later you will see 2 million dollars in your account.

“Second, I want to have as many beautiful women as I want”.
Okay, granted. When you go home later there will be many women for you to choose.

“Third, I want to live forever, happy and healthy”.
Okay, granted. You will never grow old and feeble.

“Wow, that’s great. What do you want from me?”
The genie tells the guy to bend over and drop his pants. He does, and the genie has his way with him for a little longer than a few minutes.

After a while, and when the genie is zipping up his pants and is done, he asked the drunk how old he was. “I’m 35”, the drunk answered. The genie said to him, “And you still believe in genies?”

[bostonlager 2,467]

1 hour ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

Ha! It’s funny, because he was a dope fiend! 

I have been trying to come up with a really good George Floyd joke. One so good it takes your breath away. 

[GobbleDog 822]

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

Just Juan

[Big Guy 1,400]

it's an old one but....

 

"Did you here Micky Mouse is divorcing Minny?"

 

no why?

 

"she's focking Goofy!"

[OldMaid 1,838]

In before NV ruins this thread with the longest joke in history.